thoughts fragment
until hardening to cement
locking me in fear

I asked for your hands
You gave me knives

I asked for the truth
You gave me lies

I asked for laughter
I was given cries

I asked for honesty
I was awakened by infidelity

I asked for hope
I was given ropes

I asked for a little rest
I was given death

Well there's the new satisfaction of
feeling
nothing

New rites of passage only attained
through
cutting

There's that new longing, for ringing in an empty
head

That new desperation for devils that leave you
more than
emotionally
dead

i’ve got an itching to create
more and more scars across
my wrist
thighs,
hips,
but i have to hold back because
i cannot achieve greatness by
hurting myself and loathing myself

i’ve learnt to love myself but we all
have our horrid moments at 4:52am
thinking of how it all was and how we
don’t know how it all will be.

The sun in the air is a pinprick
And heaven is leaking through
Birds shot forth as arrows
Rip through divine scenes
Of colorful vibrance
With their songs
Infecting my idle tongue
With rhythms of untold tomorrows
Living inside of the holy kaleidoscope
Shaken in an infinite snow globe
The time is melting down the brick of city walls
To pool in the streets
Like gasoline rainbows
Clipped winged angels eating Eden
Without any notion of good and evil
Black and white
Reality flickers like static
And I am a man
Lost in the sanctity
Of a wonderfully calm
Vast sea

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

Fire drips from my teeth
I eat stars for breakfast
and **** on planets
like gobstoppers
You don't see me
I am far too big
But when I reach you
Planet Earth
Your time has come