Ellyn k Thaiden

Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2018

"We need to get you a key made"
First day in our new apartment
And I don't have a key yet
But I'm excited

Our words echo off the empty walls
And we argue over where the couch should go
We settle in, piece by piece
And everything is okay

"We need to get you a key made"
We've been living here for two months
Our habits are formed
There is ritual to the day

I try to find things to occupy my time
Projects and music and poetry
You go out every night
And I'm alone in an empty bed

"We need to get you a key made"
You aren't ever home
You've lost yourself
You are pulling away from me

"We need to get you a key made"
We fall apart
Piece by piece
You say you need space

We break up
I move out
I don't need a key anymore

This is all I could manage to write.

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2018

Drought

I'll ride this high
Until I die
That Ana high
Will keep you alive

She feeds you euphoria
She fills you with doubt
First there is a typhoon
But then there is a drought

But nevermind the downside
Ana can help you thrive
Eventually you'll feel so high
You will barely feel alive

I've been battling this since I was 17. You tell yourself you'll stop. You never do.

#ana #mia #ed #ednos #eating #disorder

Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2018

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep
Surrounded in shadows
The A/C hums and
Moonlight slips in through broken blinds
The shows about to begin

The blankets tangle around my legs
My body tosses left and right
Incapable of ignoring the voices
These memories
They shuffle through my head
Intruding my dreams
Invading my thoughts

I can't sleep
Films featuring fear race through my head
Each one a perfect cut
Of moments in my life where
I was no longer in control
Moments when I was helpless
Moments where I am trapped
Simply a bystander to my own life

Suddenly a new scene appears
Taking off it's long worn
Camouflage that is used to hide
Right in between all the other
Ghastly happenings of my life

I can't sleep
I stare at the stars on my ceiling
Feel myself drift off into space
So far away

This memory is new and it hurts more
Than when it first happened

I can't make it stop
The voices won't stay quiet
It won't stop playing in my mind
The film is ******* endless

I can't sleep

This is about intrusive thoughts and PTSD. And how sometimes you don't remember something right after it happened. Not till years later... Written during a fast at 3 at night so sorry if nothing makes sense rn.

#intrusive #thoughts #ptsd #triggers #sadness #i #cant #sleep

Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2016

You Can Never Say I Didn't Try

You never said thank you
But I was still there
You never said sorry
And at first I didn't care

I just cared for you
And your emotions and your life
Your strife and the weight of
Self torture you carried in your
Forearms and thighs, stomach and chest

I knew I could save you
I knew I could help you rest
Even if only for a moment
I could kiss your scars
Lick your wounds clean

And at that time I didn't
Understand
That people can be mean
To those they love

So on we went
While I tried desperately to pull you
Onto level ground
With misguided intent

You fought my help
Thrashing through life
Like a wounded animal
Scurrying from every booming sound

After your blind rampage you let me go
I was afraid I would never feel whole
But you made me realize
I was only trying to fix what was
So twisted and cracked in my own soul

You and I are similar
But not the same
Both trapped inside screaming
Punished by our own brains

The difference between you and I
Is you only understand sympathy
You mind can't grasp the concept
Of another's reality
You lack empathy

So I'm not going to get
Down on my hands and knees
And say "pretty please"
And apologize just because
You're too much of a coward
To admit when you've down wrong

I will not say sorry for existing
I will not apologize for having feelings
I will not beg for your attention
Even though the silence is chilling
I have decided to respect myself

By letting you go

#friends

Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2016

I'm Crossfadded and Exhausted

I'm never one thing
Constantly moving
Constantly changing

Constantly high
That's the only stable thing

I'm going to be twenty in a month
And I don't think I can make it much longer

This isn't so much of a poem
It's more of a ramble
Of my thoughts
That I can't say out loud
Because no one is listening

Lately the universe has been
Making me feel insignificant
And fragil
And idiotic
And all around depressed

I mean nothing
I am nothing
We all mean nothing

If we were to all die
Go extinct
The sun would still eventually die
New galaxies will be born
And I'm sure there is other life
Just waiting to destroy their homes
And taint their waters
And **** their vegetation

Nothing matters
At least not in my life time

Guess that's all I've got to say

Ellyn k Thaiden Jun 2015

Romaticizing Me

They kiss your arms and say you are beautiful. They trace old scars and say you are beautiful. They rub the cuts and say you are beautiful.

But I am not beautiful. This is not beautiful. This is a disaster, a walking wreck. While you all sleep sound at night we stay up, our fingers walking over our old friends and breaking skin with razor blades, unleashing memories. We are hitting our thighs with fists fueled with the words like "you woukd be prettier if..", reverberating through our skulls. We are chugging water and not eating in the hopes of obtaining a beauty that no one can or should obtain. We are purging the nourishment while you lay full, bellies satisfied.
While you had dreamless nights, we never left our night mares. The monsters from our dreams followed us into reality, but no one looks hard enough to see them but, only the already broken witness the events.

They say you are beautiful, but do they even know what they mean? What they are doing? Because this is anything but beautiful. This is a broken house of fire.

Ellyn k Thaiden May 2015

God Has No Power Here

Its midnight
And I feel like I am steadily
Whispering into everyone's ears
For them to lay down their guns
Loosen their nooses
Throw away their knives
And keep surviving until
It becomes thriving

But on the inside
In my fragmented ***** they call
My heart
I am breaking
Crumbling
Cracking and convulsing

And air is filling me up
But the will to live is dying

And I can't tell anyone because
Everyone is walking on the grand
Wall between life and death

How could God exist when we
Have the power to end it all
With the small jump off the step stool
Or the **** of the finger
How can something that is suppose
To control everything and see everything
Be so powerless when it comes to death

Why does this keep happening
Why won't it stop