I went into that uncomfortable place
And because nobody could stand to visit
The place where I lived always
I died there, alone.

I can't. I just ******* can't.
I'm sorry.

I jump up onto the stage of life,
With a small curtsy to the audience
- is that obiesant enough, my Master? -
I begin my sad little dance.
First we look on the phone screen,
No missed calls, but for users and losers,
Next we check the email,
Ugh so much spam, so much junk...
So my sad little dance
Takes us to filter,
And we Search Search SEARCH
and find nothing.
"Mary" "Marylee" "daughter" "mom"
"Mother" "Maggi" "Mike" "Neil" "Nathan" "dad" "son" "Nathaniel"
Dance dance dance, so pathetic
Now bow. Bow in shame, bow in disappointment, no matter just BOW.
BOW, *****, your dance is over.

Dear Mom,

I despise you, and I think you should just
die and decay 'til you're nothing but dust,
Get out of my face and my home and my life,
Nothing you are has value.

In my 16 years there is nothing you've done,
No demons you've fought with, no battles you've won,
That can make you seem worthy of jack **** from me,
Because you're so ****** repugnant.

Strangers on the street don't get the stream of hate I give you,
And you can cry and beg all you want,
But this campaign of denigration
is all yours, Mommy.

No, there doesn't have to be a reason why.

I don't know how to live,
How to operate this body
Successfully
In this place that I thought
Was mine.

I don't know how to love,
How to share the value of
Mattering
When I've forgotten why I thought
I ever did.

I don't know how to hope,
How to fight thru hate and be
Standing tall
When ignorant haters and deceitful friends are
At the helm.

I don't know how to breathe,
How to act before I leave,
The things to say and do
Without Hope and Love
Here to guide me.

As a stranger to myself, I'm the only heart left here to say goodbye. So, on behalf of myself...
Goodbye.

Sirens signal my coming
with chirps and wails,
Primary lights flashing
to alert them to my presence.

My purpose pumps from a well
that is endlessly deep --
so deep, in fact, that
many shallow people have drowned here.

I don't falter, I don't pause,
I act with precision and skill
to give my charge his best chance
at seeing tomorrow.

Gloriously efficient,
Confidence and purpose
radiate from me
as my insides quiver with fear.

I had a friend whom I loved,
but she bedded with a beast.
The beast would beat her regularly,
twice daily at the least.

I begged her and I pleaded her,
“Please leave the beast today.”
No matter how I reasoned, though,
she said there was no way.

She said that she was happy there,
said she was in control,
said she wasn't being ****** into
the terrible black hole.

“Think about your kids,” I said,
“They need their mom to win
this battle with the pills that seem
to always draw you in.”

The sparkle in her eyes went dim,
her laughter sounded forced.
Every visit with her left my
worst fears reinforced.

Finally, I stood my ground,
said that she had to choose.
I thought I'd given her a path
that she could not refuse.

Alas, she chose the pills instead
of keeping me a friend,
this woman that I thought would be
my sister 'til the end.

She kicked me out, she carved me out,
she shut me out and then,
she denied me when I reached out for her
time and time again.

There was a time, however,
when she could not tell me no.
I was there to give her flowers
on her final trip solo.

I stood there at her graveside,
tears streaming down my face,
watching doves fly skyward
at her final resting place.