"Life is hard,"
she said,
"and life is sad.  Life is one
thousand crevices carved into your heartscape,
By human fingernails,
even your own."

"You will feel strongest, somehow,
when you cry.
You will feel that there is nothing left
that can harm you
and you will be wrong,
and you will be right.
And you'll beat into your head your own lessons
and others will beat the
kindness
and
empathy
right out of your mind.
You will be shaken,
rattled to your core
time after time,
and each time you'll find that your heartscape, your center is more
brazen than blind.
It has its own mind; It has never resigned.
Swim the caverns you've carved
into your insides and
realize -

You are not damaged, but exposed.  
Opened up like a
flower
blooming toward
the light."

My tired mind spins
and I draw it back in.
My thoughts throbbing to the beat of
"You hurt me
Like nobody else
and I
Let you."
And my guilt is your guilt
And I do not
Want it.
And I'm not sorry
For loving you
But for letting you back in
Time and time again - I just
Can't
Figure out when
Before breaking
I bent -

(I packed your **** while you were gone/I packed your **** because you were wrong.)

And I wouldn't, couldn't trade
Our breathless climb
To the cliff.
I will not forget and I cannot change it.
I only want
To erase
The memories of your
Hands
When they meant me
Harm,

and I forgive you anyway.

Not for your sake
But mine.

I am melting into place/
Thinking of somewhere else.
Every frantic glance
is a flash
Of something else I've felt and
My existence is longing/
My soul only yearns
While my mind on a kite string
Floats away with the birds
and I am bigger than this.

(I am more than a wish)

My guilt, like a rock,
It sinks in my skull
Slides down through my backbone
Is heavy to pull
(Only dragged by the fool)
Regret gathers and pools.

But my heart pumps this blood
as though it's paid wages/
Piano fingers shuffle chapters created by pages
Of books
Of mistakes
I have made through the ages.

Perhaps if I study enough
I will learn
And perhaps if I smoke
enough I will burn.



So I Burn The Effigy Doll
(how pale and small).

Sverre's morning-affirmation


I soar above my own boundless
Imagination
Looking down onto areas I visited
In dreams from as long ago
As my faintest childhood

I remember everything
This is myself seeing the
Sense in it all
It *all

I am large enough to eat
Universes
Strong enough to rip black holes
In the fabric of time and space
I laugh with the gods

I am the only
Border
I own the edge of everything
I am innermost and outermost

I know not how to
Talk down to
Myself

In all I see
In this world
I see me

There is something so grounding about the rumbling of a train going by,
   And then the soothing, settling of the surroundings as it runs off into a whisper, escaping the reaches of your eye.
I sigh.
   Another train, in opposite direction sliding by.
   I see in it the line drawing my potential demise and simultaneously untangling my turmoil inside.
I am fried.
I am fine.
   I am so drawn to these tracks where the machine-cars glide,
   A deep-seated need to witness
Their Force, their Direction, to Feel Alive.

(written by my Mother)

I've tried
but I can't stop
crying      for you

and I,
was real
But you
were not
because it was new to you

So one more time
I've been shown that I
Can't have much faith
in you

maybe
if you knew
how much I've wanted to