maxine

maxine Dec 2016

And I started to wonder if we were really ever anything
Because I thought we were in my head
I thought we were this beautiful thing
But in reality we were nothing
And I had hoped that it was the first one
But it turned out to be the second
I was second to everyone else
I gave and gave and gave until my heart gave out
And all you could do was stand and stutter when I asked for something in return
So you started to distance yourself and I started to stay up at night thinking about you
About the obvious connection we had but the fact that you didn't want me because you couldn't handle something real
I felt you cover me up with the covers when I fell asleep
And when you asked if you could give me a happy birthday kiss on my cheek
You gave me your sweatshirt
And you were the most unemotional person yet when I was leaving you cried
Now it's almost one year later and you pop up occasionally
Asking me how I am
Well here's how I am
I'm an emotional wreck
I miss our friendship
I think about you every night
I think about the what ifs
I wonder why you've lied to yourself for so long
And why you strung me along
You were perfectly imperfect
I threw myself at you and I must admit I regret it
Because I wish I could take back all the feelings I invested
In someone so broken
I go for the broken
I'm broken
I feel like nothing is real anymore
I'm jealous of others love one minute then the next I think love isn't real at all
I try to succeed and focus on school
But my depression and suicidal thoughts race and I always go back to thinking about you
You
Why can't you love me?
Why can't you see what I see?
Why are you so mean to you?
Why were you so mean to me?
You pushed me away
And now we're so far apart
Emotionally that is
Physically we are only 4 hours and 18 minutes away
I look it up from time to time
You meant the world to me
You were my best friend
And as I sit here and write this sappy ****
I realize just how much time I've wasted over you
My energy
My youth
3 years
I want to stop
I'd like to think I've matured since our escapade last year
I'd like to say I never think about you
I'd like to say that I don't smell the sweatshirt you gave me
I'd like to say that I've given up on you ever reciprocating the feelings I have for you
I'd like to say those feelings are gone
But I'd be lying to myself
I wish you'd stop lying to yourself
But what's the point
I should move on
I know
But as long as you continue to like my Instagram pictures
And message me occasionally
My 14th year of life will continue to be wasted on you
As was my 12th and 13th
I pray my 15th isn't

the reason i share my work is for someone else to stumble upon it and either 1. fall madly in love with me or 2. relate to it and not feel alone

#poem #poetry #sad #lonely #depressed #heartbroken #suicidal

maxine Nov 2016

Untitled

Nobody texts, nobody calls.
Nobody cares until they've found out that my blood has been splattered on the wall.

It's been awhile... I've been writing but haven't had time to upload them onto here. Been very depressed and gone through a lot, so if you aren't one for negativity my writing may not be for the faint of your heart.

#suicide #poem #poetry #sad #depression #abandoned

Nov 2016

Izzy

Depression

Depression is...
Drowning but watching everyone breathe
Playing hide and go seek; never to be found
Acting; but not for a play
Depression is me losing my mind behind closed doors
Depression is digging my grave
I have become depression,
**You're next...

#depression

maxine Jun 2016

The Human Race

life has been busy yet uneventful
which doesn't make sense to me
..people ask what my plans are and i have none and yet it seems like i'm busy
busy doing nothing
busy going insane
busy being stuck inside of my own mind all day everyday,
laying in my bed with depressing thoughts in my head
i haven't written and it's wearing on me
i'm tired but i haven't done anything exhausting
i'm just tired,
and i wish i could say i feel numb because then it would help explain everything to everyone and i could just say, "I'm numb."
i could say i don't feel anything but i'd be lying to everyone including myself
i'm a mess
i can't figure myself out
i am a very negative person
it's always been hard to be positive.. i've never known what positivity is really..
anyone i've ever been around has been a pessimist and so i always thought there was only one glass and it had to be half empty.
i'm half empty.
i am a loser.
i have no friends, (which i say because i do but it seems that none of them want to hang out with me because my summer is uneventful)
my life is uneventful.
it always has been.
i am an uneventful, boring person.
people tell me i'm funny and i should be a comedian..
but i don't think i'm funny.
i think i'm annoying,
i can't have emptiness (in all forms), or awkward silences filled with emotionless faces looking at each other but thinking they're staring at me
we're all crazy.
but maybe us crazy ones can see that we're crazy which make us better than the "normal" ones that judge others.
life isn't complicated but we make it..
us humans.
killing.
lying.
stealing.
judging.
us humans..
revolting creatures..
with our plans to have kids and get married,
have dinner with Susan and Brian,
go on vacation.
not realizing..
it doesn't matter.
because at the end of the day our lives are busy.. yet uneventful.

it's been awhile but i've missed writing and this came so naturally and i like this poem.
it's just something i've been thinking about lately and i think it's accurate.
we all have uneventful lives at the end of the day.
nothing really satisfies us,
the human race.
they call us that because we never stop going.
so therefore we need constant satisfaction.
but in the end..
we are all empty and boring.
running around with our uneventful lives.

#poem #poetry #depression #life #writing #idk #uneventful #tangent

maxine Apr 2016

Untitled

and i'll never live..
*i'll just exist miserably.

#suicide #poem #depression #life #death #help #suicidal