he filled my bones with
    moonlight and cicada songs,
his kisses tasted of
    slow lazy days
and even when i felt the seasons
    change,
i couldn't let him go

Right now it is pouring rain. A thunderstorm with lightning and all. It made me think of him.

I saw him on Thursday and the skies didn't look so pretty. "If the weather goes bad we can just dance in the rain, or kiss in the rain. Or whatever." I laughed a nervous laugh and we continued walking around downtown.

It was late- around 9 is when we were going to meet, but he had car trouble. I waited for him to get there outside on a bench. I was reading to pass the time. People started making me feel uncomfortable though. Some people slowed down when walking or driving past me; one person even felt the need to shout across the street at me, so when he said he finally made it, I immediately got up and started looking for him.

He were on the other side of the street. I was going to meet him over there, but he laughed at me before I could.

"What are you doing?" he asked. He had to shout so I could hear him from across the street.

"Going to the crosswalk to cross the street," I replied, but he was already running across the street- jaywalking, but he got to me faster so I didn't mind.

We made it back to the frozen yogurt place where I was waiting for him. While getting his yogurt, he and an older man in the store struck up a conversation. The older man asked, "Is this your wife?" and he immediately said, "Oh, no. Just a friend." No other conversation could be as  awkward while perfectly describing our relationship.

After he paid, we started walking around. I confessed to him that I avoid going places because I don't want to see my ex-boyfriend, and he understood. We went down another path to go where I would most likely not run into him.

We were cutting through a parking lot and his motto for me came up again. He always says I think to much- "You need to turn off your brain," he says. I try to listen, but it's much more difficult than I thought it would be.

After a while I started realizing that I was just a spastic, paranoid mess, and he noticed too. I decided that I needed tea to calm myself down so we walked back down to an ice cream shop that also sold tea and coffee.

We originally started out in chairs, but then we moved to one of the couches because it was more comfortable (and maybe we both just wanted an excuse to sit closer to each other). For some reason, my overly active mind seems to cease when he kisses me. Maybe I'm just feeling too much to process it or think of anything else, but my thoughts go silent. I never feel more alert. I may not hear things as well, but I never feel things more intensely.

By this point it was time for him to take me home. I didn't want to go home, but I had to. He started driving and I was just sitting quietly next to him. We had been listening to "Local Natives" the few times we were together, so it was fitting to play it then.

He kept telling me how attractive he finds me, and I know he means well, but after being demeaned by people who say they love you, it is hard to accept compliments or even just the truth. I tried not to be hard headed about it so I would just say thank you.

He wanted to drive the long route home so he would have more time with me. I wasn't going to complain or argue against him because I just wanted to be with him too. He parked at a stop sign so we could talk, and it was so nice to have someone who actually listened to me and didn't push me to do things that I didn't want to do.

We continued driving towards my house, but then he realized something was wrong with his truck, so he pulled over and assessed the situation. He asked me to use a phone as a flashlight, so I grabbed his and brought it out so he could see. Somethings make me want to assess certain situations, but I didn't want to do or say anything to ruin what was going on. I don't even know what was going on. All I know is:  our timing always *****.

The way he hugged me and held me before we got back in the truck made me never want to leave, but it was already past my curfew so I really needed to go. I wouldn't mind getting in trouble for being late because I was with him, but my parents thought I was out with other friends. That would have ended very poorly if they found out.

We got to my house and said our goodbyes. He is already back up in North Carolina now and I don't really know when I will see him again. I'm hoping soon.

I would like to say
you make me weak in the knees
but frankly
you make me forget I have knees at all
My ribs are rattling
heart is pumping
I feel alive with you

And I would bite my tongue gladly
for just another taste of yours;
For the way my name glazed off your front tooth.
Each syllable sticking to my collarbones,
leaving red marks on both cheeks.

I want to smell the scent of your laughter.
I want to feel the waves of your sighing chest
kissing the shores of my spine.
I want, again, for you to hold the glacial angles of my jaw,
because you are the only one
who fears not
of the winter that lies beneath my lips.

And sometimes our teeth would kiss if our mouths weren't moving fast enough.
Your nails clenched into the clay spaces between my ribs,
hoping to hold on just long enough
to make an impression on me,
but I don't think you realize
how deep your divots run.

So let me carve my initials into the peaks of your shoulder blades.
Let me write poetry on your skin.
Let me cover you in the ashes of a thousand goodbyes that echo too hot to let go.

Just let me stay.
Let me stay amidst the oak and sage of your backbone.
Let me stay nestled inbetween the dusk and summer,
of what's to come and what's to be.

i have watched the sun rise and set
in ten different states, and still, i have
found that none are as beautiful as you.

then it just stopped. the movement, the loudness of her world, silenced. her finger tips quit brushing my skin and her breaths became softer each time. longer than the one before. she grew still. and while i laid there, chest pressed against hers, i realized i had found the one thing ive searched for all my life; home.