February 25.
I’ll never forget that day.
It’s the day you came into my life after all.

When you sent your first Snapchat too me,
I swear your smile is what kept me intrigued.
The way you’d laugh at my silliness and stupid remarks.
Constantly sending me something just so you could see me smile.

I love the way you look at me.
The way your dark eyes held me captive to every word you’d say.  
The love and affection in them always left me speechless.
Your eyes told me everything,
From what hurt you the most to loving me.

It was the way you played video games.
How you were so concentrated.
The way your face would scrunch up when you were in a battle to not die.
That night you stayed at my moms with me,
You whined waiting for your turn.  

The first time you told me you loved me,
I laughed.
I couldn’t even think it to be true.
Yet here you were.
My knight in shinning armor, the one to sweep me off my feet.  

Those nights we stayed together always brought tranquility with it.
The countless jokes we had, the days with Harley, and the many bonfires.
Looking up at the stars where you lived was out of this world, literally.
Laying on your chest with your arms wrapped tight around me.
Keeping me safe.

It was the way you’d sing to me and hold my hand.
When you’d write about me and things made sense.
Laughing at my clumsiness and telling me “You’re a dork babe!”
Making sure I knew that you loved me something fierce.
Reassuring me to the best of your abilities.

To think you made a 180 in my life,
And I hoped you’d be my second chance.
Also hoping I didn’t **** it up first.

Eventually I did.

Lied to your face again.
And I will allow you to think of “how easy it is for me”
Because I deserve it.
I deserve the anger you have towards me.  
Or not.
I prefer not.
I can’t say that I love you because..
I slept with someone else.
I retaliated in a way that disgust me,
But that’s as it should be.

To stay stuck and horrid.

Every ounce of hope and regret is being pushed out of my mind.
We could never be.
Not with that hanging over my head.

You forgave me though.

I still can’t do it.
How could I?
With what I have done, I can’t excuse it.
I need to be here where I’m at.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong.
I know you wished for me to be the me you wanted.
I’m sorry I allowed myself to be engulfed by you again.

Your mere presence calms my soul.
I’m at peace,
But it’s wrong. I can’t accept it.
Too much has been done.

Happy Thanksgiving.
The day of giving thanks for all we have.
And I give thanks that I’m strong enough to do what I need too.

You won’t bring me down with your atrocious comments.
I won’t allow you to ruin me more than I already have.
I waved the white flag.
I surrendered.
It’s not enough.
I have to be punished for the choice I made for myself.
Tell me how can you play the game if only one is playing?

No more.
I’m taking a stand and I stand for myself.
We are going our ways and I’m fine with that.
I accept my choice, but there’s no need for me to hurt anymore.

One football field. One game. One team.
One girl.
Keep away for a football, yet little did I know that it was for my heart.
Kid love, just thoughts of love. Kicking shins and tackles in grass.
Climbing trees, fences, and private properties.
Soccer games were a must, even the one she scored on his team. He says it doesn’t count. 13 years old and one guy makes me rethink life.

What she thought she knew.
What she thought love was.
What she thought one boy could do was nothing compared to the others.
Something was different with this boy.
She followed him everywhere he went.
She let him influence her thoughts, her emotions and her heart.
She wondered why butterflies erupted in her stomach when she looked at him.

Brown orbs and black rimmed frames looked back hers.
His eyes told her stories, wondrous adventures, and scandalous ideas.
He warned her, she chose not to listen.
He told her her the dangers, it didn’t matter I’d follow him anywhere
This was it.

Flash forward leaving child play behind us.
Yet we are still climbing trees, fences and private properties.
Snarky comments, egos high and hormones on edge.
New challenges to face for teenagers, new assignments, and new personalities.
My focus was still him, made sure he stayed happy with his girls and vice versa.
Wearing your jersey on those Friday nights. Only i wore his number. Number 66/67.
Him in the stands sitting in the perfect position to watch me dance. She showed him the whole routine for this reason.
This was it.

April 26, 2016
This time blankets are laid on floors and the sky was a vast space of glitter.
A special occasion before prom. Their last prom.
Hands were held, lips were touched and her body was taken to another universe.
Nobody around to see what they truly were, themselves.
They watched the stars, he brought my favorite chips, a gallon water jug and candles.
The candles couldn’t light because of the breeze we had.
This one person took a hold of my heart without me knowing.
Broke my walls without trying.
This was it.

Moves were made, distance struck, and the two were in different cities.
Late night phone calls were the priority and visits were placed.
The first person to welcome her home to the last person to say goodbye.
Always like that.
Except.
She’s invited to family excursions, and their talks were getting longer than they were. Serious conversation was conversed.
He moved her back October 8, 2017.
This was it. Right?

Wrong.  
I hurt him too.
Because that’s who I grew to be. Heartless yet kind. A monster yet an angel.
We stopped talking for months,
Until two weeks after his birthday.
He calls me, I answer.
I always answered.
He told her he Loved her.
She cried harder.
He calms her down, singing his heart out to make her feel better.
Making your side comments that I loved.
Little did she know it was their last conversation.

April 8, 2018
Here lies the body of a sweet man. A man who had stuck by my side even when told not too. A man who held my heart from the beginning.
A man I was suppose to marry.
A man who placed wonderful and hurtful memories across my mind.
A man that was everything to me, is gone.

I place a red rose on his casket, a kiss for the afterlife, and a complete wreck of silent cries.
It wasn’t it and now she’d never know what could’ve been. She’d be stuck and lost. Forever in their memory, an everlasting love taken too soon.
This was it.
The end.

I have so much to say and choosing the right words is
Complicated.
My heart hurts again. Just like the day two years ago.
Why?
Is it really that hard?
I wonder these things and I try to be fine to think.
But when I do my heart just breaks.
My chest tightens with the rest of my body and I am curled into a ball on my bed.
It’s all too confusing and I don’t know how much I got left. I don’t know how many tears I’ve wept.
I’m tired.
I’ve dodged too many punches and I’m out of breath. So I’ll stop moving.
K.O.

Goodnight my love, it is time to lay our bodies to rest.
I stare at the wall, every way I sleep, there’s a wall. And as I stare into this wall I think of the day that has gone to past.
You of course.
Unfortunate conversation, more lies, and trying to keep a distance.
Strange as it may seem, I enjoyed it.
Your name popping up on my screen.
The calls.
The bantering.
But, all good things must come to an end, just as the day does.
A ghost of a kiss I send to you tonight and an apology for the morning.
For this will confuse you some more.

The day is over. You can be at peace.
Play your video games, listen to your songs, watch your shows and just relax.
The plans you have will be in your dreams and your dreams will become your reality. Keep dreaming Mi Corazón.
You will know when it’s time to rest. Until then be at peace.

Now though it’s time too sleep. Close my eyes and put my head on my pillow.
Letting my mind clear of all things coming and going.

I inhale.
I cannot hope and I cannot let you get to me again.
I exhale.
Inhale.
I need to hurt myself to be okay.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Everything has a path it leads to.
Exhale.
Inhale.
I love you.
Exhale.

Goodnight my Sun and Stars. May you forever stay bright. May the force be with you. I hope your journey goes well. God speed.