Even this subject to me is.. impure.
It's so agitating, why can I not forget?
Does the universe mean to keep it..
Locked inside of my head?

I want to forget the whole month,
Of that year.
I want to leave behind everything,
That I was too afraid to act out.
Everything that happened because,
I did not act out.
I was a weakling trapped inside of,
A lost girl.

Now I have been found,
In the best way possible.
Is it not supposed to be,
..easy now?

I suppose that's just not plausible.
After all I did somehow cause it all.
I kept it all shut inside for a while.
But it has to all spill out eventually.

It is so difficult to remain happy.
Or is it?
I shouldn't let this get to me,
But I am unclean.

What if no one truly wants me.
This is my greatest fear.

the day you left was the day i felt like laying a bed of cashmere
the scars in my arms were suddenly healed
the thoughts in my head got flushed away,
like darkness being overpowered by luminescence
shrieks of horror taken over by beautiful murmurs
**why didnt you leave a long time ago?

Sometimes,
I will myself
to forget
you hurt me,
and then I am
in pain.
Consumed by all
I didn’t do and
ravaged by what I did.
You are always
without guilt,
smoke in my lungs
as I ignite.
You were on fire
and I was so cold…
Sometimes,
when I am
burning
for the touch
of your hands
on my skin,
I distract myself
with the singe
of an overheating laptop
on my thighs,
thank god
I never let
your embers
land there,
and I write.
About how warm
my eyes are and how
someday, someone
else
will worship them
as they make me smile.
The heated hope
evaporates my tears
and sometimes,
I remember how
you made me combust.
Red. Red. Red.
I will smother
your memory
until it is ash
and you are
the only one choking
on smoke.
I am the fire.


**V. K.

and I know that as soon as she gets here, I will fall into her arms and weep.