Waking up to hazy mornings.
To the bitter cold days of
Early Spring.

I've never seen such a beautiful sunrise.

Nine o' clock cigarettes during
The morning rush.
Saturday morning cigarettes
That muddle my head.
The chilly air mimics the smoke
Spewing from my lips,
Toxins sticking to my lungs
Like glue.

It's another day in Paradise.

The dishes in the sink
Pile up in mountains.
Like the skyscraper laundry stack
Overflowing in the hamper.

Just another day in Paradise.

The street lamps glisten as strings of pearls
Their light reflecting off the silver glare of traffic barrels.

The flowers have not arrived.
The flowers have not bloomed,
And the anxiety is killing me.
Killing me like the coffee craving
Pounding in my head.
The flowers are missing,
Hiding from the stinging cold
Of early Spring.

I've never seen such beautifully dismal skies.

In the mild conversations about the weather,
I tell them that it's never been better.
In a way, it's never been.

I walk down the battleground of sidewalk
And tree roots, the slabs of concrete
cracked and marred by Mother Nature's
Will.
Broken etchings of hopscotch
Blur on the gritty surface, besides
The rose bush peeking out through the
Fence.

They'll never fix these.

Because it's another day in Paradise.

Feet, they're wonderful things
to the body a purpose they bring
not very pretty at all
but when you are walking
or even standing and talking
thank them as they don't let you fall

that's right you can't win
they're as ugly as sin
go ahead paint the nails if you must
just be grateful they're there
you're not on your derriere
for your balance in them you can trust

june tenth
the pale lamp in my room is flickering again,
you told me fifty three times to fix it,
i never did.

september twenty-first
every morning i drink apple juice,
you liked orange juice and always asked me to buy some,
i never did.

september twenty-fifth
wednesday: the day you were born,
once you were gone i was supposed to forget,
i never did.

october third
halloween is coming up,
you told me to dress up as captain america,
i never did.

may second
it's spring time and the flowers are hopping up from their beds, (another thing i never did)
i can't believe the world still goes on but,
i never did.

may eighteenth
i read the fifth harry potter book,
i skipped two and four; you once told me to write my own story,
i never did.

may twenty-seventh
you always laid out my meds for me on our lillypad green paper napkins,
but whenever i'd take them you'd vanish, so,
i never did.

june first
i played a mel tormé record,
you said i had a better voice than him whenever i sang along but,
i never did.

june sixth
i cried for the first time in three days,
the world felt heavier today, i tried to let it crush me but,
it never did.

june tenth
now its been,
well,
time seems a bit funny to me now a days.
but i guess its probably been two months or so,
but the calendar says four years,
but the calendar wouldn't be the first thing to lie to me in here.
but i want to let you know:

i don't have lamps now,
i only am allowed water,
they never tell me what day it is,
i haven't even seen a halloween since your absence,
the only thing close to flowers in here is the pattern on my gown,
the "library" here *****, there is a total of nine books. they are all gross romance novels,
my meds now come in a tiny paper cup four times a day,
they only play country here and thats only on music therapy days,
the world floated up
                                    up
                         ­                 up
                                             ­   and away, i assume it took you with it,

i guess it is just and fair that this happened to me,
i mean look at all the things you asked that i did not do for you,
but i asked you one thing,
and you said you'd always be with me, but,
you never did
**no one ever did

Rise.

Find heavenly glow
radiated in cobble
piercing the cracks
of your foundation.

See glistening shore
brushing sand current
of waves crashing
into your erosion.

Hear gusts envelop
creatures gliding through
the howling shriek
from your air.

Feel fire upon
the scorched horizon
of your country
extinguished by me.

Rest.

Mama did you know
that your little boy
would one day start doubting?

Mama did you know
that your little boy
would one day be bullied?

He gets called stupid fat and emo
just because his music is called screamo
he hates himself to the point of insanity
just because other people have lost their humanity
all night he cries
and wishes that he dies.

Mama did you know
that your little boy
would one day cut his wrists?

Mama did you know
that your little boy
would never be kissed?

He gets beat up at in the hallways
It'd been like that forever and always.
He has had enough
the fight is just too rough.

He decides today is the day to die
and writes a note saying goodbye
he knows where daddy keeps his gun
and decides to have some fun.

Mama did you know
that your little boy
would never have a wife?

Mama did you know
that your little boy
would one day end his life?

Drowning in a deep black ocean
Entombed in a stone casket of my own making
Pain washes over me. Will it ever end or will I be
Ripped apart by the power of my own grief? It seems
Endless.
Sorrow is my world now, the only thing I know. This
Silence is deafening
In this hole I have dug
Outside, they see me smile, but
Nobody hears me cry