Wish I could look at you.
Wish that these demons calling to me wouldn't be the last to see me.
They scream to me in a familiar voice, the one voice I'd wanna hear.
Yours.
But I know once I awake I'll see my greatest pain.
My biggest regret.
My deepest fear.
I'll see you in that revolving door once again.
When you decided I was no longer what you wanted
When you gave me everything then took it away when you left in silence that turned into a black memory crammed so far down the bottle I forgot it was even there.
You changed my world and plagued everything and everyone around.
Because every little thing you used to do calls to me asking me to remember, to see it once again.
And the birds in the freezer in my heart have become so still and quiet.
My pupils grow smaller and smaller every day because in my world that used to be so bright and full of life has become so dark and small.
And I can't come to terms with living in a world without us.
So I look-
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you

loving you was like the split second when you die and are revived
i felt like i had nothing but matches and gasoline
i was nothing but an unfinished book that the author didn’t want to finish
when i met you everything changed
i had learned the peace of healing
i learned the grace of forgiveness
i became whole
the fire that once burn my brain with anxiety was finally calmed
it was like driving under a bridge in the rain
i felt excited and quiet for once in life
now you’re gone and so am i
i don’t remember how to heal without you so i’ll just wait until you come back through that door
i will wait until you remember what it felt like calm the storm
walk across the ocean back to me and tell me i am worthy of life again.

Whenever I die
I don’t want people to lie
And say I was nice
That wouldn’t be right
Tell them how I felt inside
How easy it was to make me cry
How I’d jump from guy to guy
That I wasn’t easy to love
And I rarely felt like I was enough
I believed in God above
But living it out was really rough
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
I could be mad and if you’d seen it
You’d know I say thing and not mean it
Tell so many lies that I’d believe it
Say I’d love them then I’d leave em
I never shared what was mine
And I wasted too much time
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
To the people I hurt I would apologize
Though I always thought I was right
I’d be crying and say I was fine
And I’d feel lonely most of the time
If it’s not too much to ask
Do me a favor one last time
Tell them who I am
Whenever I die

Its been so long I'm starting to wonder if I have anything left to say
Its been so long I have an entire new life but here I am again
Here I am running back to the same paper and pen
Running back to write about you.
Its been years. I'm wondering why I'm even thinking about it in the first place.
Maybe its because someone had asked me if I was okay, I said yes.
But what I should've said was I'm trying.
I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
God knows I'm unraveling.
God knows I'm anxious.

I'm 22 now.
But truthfully I feel like I've been dead since 2014.
I feel like I'm in another person's body.
Just existing.
Because all I remember are the ways you made me feel alive and its killing me.
It's been killing me slowly like a cigarette.
And I keep coming back because I'm addicted because this is the only life I've known.
Eagerly inhaling your secondhand smoke.
I'm afraid I'll waste away like this.
I'm afraid I feel helpless.
I feel trapped in you.
I'm afraid.

Its like I speak but the words vanish like dust
Because it just goes in one ear and out the other
Just like you always seem to go in one door and out the other
And its like I'm buying your happiness
Because you smile at my expense
But  you can never get enough so you take every ounce of love I have for you and spend it on messages you would never let me read
Its just hard because we built this relationship out of your lies and my mustard seed faith stopped growing but I still kept coming back.
And why?
Maybe its because the pain is a reminder that the love was real
It's a reminder that "we" once existed.
That the hour of happiness existed before you relapsed and I found out.
You injected me with your demons, they lived in the house you built in my veins.
The blood that was once a vivid red, stayed blue because the only oxygen that would hit it would be consumed by the breaths you shared with her.
I inhaled your inability to love anybody other than you. Your secondhand smoke clouded my vision and took over my brain.
You became my every movement and response and the thing keeping me alive.
You were my rehab.
Took my every addiction and made it you.
And I couldn't stop. I just kept injecting you. I kept breathing you.
Then you left.
And I looked in the mirror and saw that I had become who you are.
I had mimicked your every emotion, expression, and words.
And I was nowhere to be found.

Selfish.
The only word that could replace my name
Because I’m never happy for anyone.
Yes I might be there for someone when they’re sad but when it comes to someone’s happiness, I don’t care.
And maybe that’s why I’m so angry all the time.
Not because I wish to be as happy as other people
But because when it came to you I wasn’t that person.
I wanted you to be okay. Happy.
I would cross oceans and search atlases to find you when you needed me.
I wanted you to be happy.
Because if you were happy that made problems seem a little lighter. They would be absent, even if it was just for a second.
I even stopped writing because I didn’t remember what it felt like to hurt anymore.
You made me hate that me that never wished anyone the best.
I said I’d always love myself more than anyone. I’d always care about my problems more than anyone else’s.
But I knew you were suffering so I did the unthinkable. I went against my instincts.
I let you go.
Because my selfish, jealous heart only held love for you.
And I needed to see that smile again even if I wasn’t the reason for it.
And I hope you feel free.

I'm trying to remember the last time I thought of you without thinking of "goodbye"
Every day just screams your silence that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I know that this lifetime might not have anything left for us and I've come to terms with it like when they ask if you accept the terms and conditions.
And I don't. I just can't.
Because if I keep walking without you it's like every single day we spent together was just a past time.
But if I turn around I might never move on.
And I know in time you will find another who will erase your memories with me, but I hope when you hear "Chasing Cars" it'll bring you back to that rooftop.
I hope you never find the courage to stop loving me because I know I'll never stop loving you
And when those days come and you just want to be someone else, I hope that you will call.
And I hope in time you find the satisfaction of being free.
I hope you find time to remember who you are and visit our past self.
I hope you remember the music we made and the notes we cracked, and the word we butchered, and the feelings we hurt, and the moments we hated, and the sins we committed.
Remember me. And remember you.

I don't know how the spark went out
but it did
did I lose that brightness in my eyes
or was my love just never enough
Whether the fire was put out or just vanished
it doesn't matter
Cause it still went out.

I think I'm losing you, but I will never regret choosing you
Because I am in love, and for now that will be enough
And the ones around me convince me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope.
But now I know even after you began to let your emotions slow the only reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never going to let go.

Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.
Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive,
Because I don't know a life in where I can't make things right.
And when life teaches you to drive and you finally say goodbye
And you won't let me stand by your side
Ill know that though some feelings are hurt, none will have died.
Cause I used to stay up at night and picture myself looking into your eyes
Shouting as you would sigh “how dare you think you can fall asleep with water dripping from the kitchen sink, how dare you think you can fall asleep with all these little leaks in this home we built in our dreams”

A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me.
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets.
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep.
Or at least the sinking feeling inside of me will decrease when the release of perceived dreams burn in the flame of feeling free.
So feel free to be free if that's what you need.

And if someday you feel alone and everything caves in when you try to breathe,
Know that you are not alone as far as I can see,
Because you were everything to me.
Through this I have realized that if I were God we would have all just died,
Because darling you were mine and now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can create is a projection of my own mind.
A dream of finding time to remind you that I'm still here and I'm not fine.
And darling if you're going to leave just remember who you are,
And do what you can to remember me.

Maybe someday we can talk about our past and we can talk about the weather.
Whenever you leave I don't care what I'm remembered for,
I just want to be remembered.
Because even if I failed you at least I tried,
And maybe our lives don't add up now but someday our graves will look the same when we both die.
And if I had a chance I'd give you one last kiss and I'd bite down on your lip
And I'd try to puncture it so you'll never forget that time,
But you'll always regret.
And darling I know sometimes life will take a turn for the worst,
And sometimes life will even hurt.
And I know some days, some days you'll be afraid of the lessons you'll have to learn
And some days you'll even feel burned,
And I want to let you know that I want to love you through them.

But I always get what I deserve.

I miss who I was before I met you. Before you were here I used to smile at seasons changing, now I dread the colder days.

2. I used to miss your laughter, now I miss the silence in my head. You once were my form of meditation, now I spend the days coloring because someone said it can be a type of therapy and Lord knows my therapist is tired of hearing the same story of a boy who keeps stealing my identity.

3. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder because I miss not being around you. I miss the days spent alone in my room reading novels so unrealistic but so desirable. Now I want nothing to do with anything because love is a four letter word and each letter stands for another reason that you couldn't stay.

4. I miss you before me. She loved you quite a bit.

5. I miss not writing about you. I used to stay afloat in my own but now I'm drowning in all the poetry that breaks me like your promises.

6. I miss waking without a reminder that I was never good enough and will never be good enough.

7. I miss my innocence. I reminisce on the times when I was oblivious to the evil in the world.

8. I miss belonging to myself. Because I know you're gone now but I still can't become my own. I can't get used to waking up alone.

9. I miss my laughter. The laughter you stole from me. I can't laugh at any jokes when my whole life has become one.

10. I miss the you before you became who you are now. You used to sing me to sleep and now you're the monster under my bed. You're the missed phone calls. You're the days spent at home alone. My mom asks me why I don't go out anymore, but she doesn't get it. I don't know why I'm surprised. I don't even get it.

Your call tastes like ***** and abandon houses
Your voice sounds like a dehydrated alcoholic in recovery
You say, "It's okay, nobody has to know"
You say its okay while your words betray the one who wouldn't ever find out.
Your paint yourself 20 different shades of colors that I've never liked.
I put my innocence in focus and sent you vulnerability
You stole my morals and fed my guilt like a church shuns the corrupt.
You stole my name and made it your own

Twelve hours later and I can't look at myself in the mirror
Twelve hours I wait for either a response or for time back
I don't even love you
But I do.
This is the last time I give more than I understand.

I can feel the laws from my childhood flee like ***** down the drain
I wanted to open the bottle of my innocence in celebration of how long its lasted
However you drank it as if it was yours to consume
I put my playlist on shuffle but all I hear are songs that remind me of you
You manipulated my voicemail while I counted dates like when they ask for the day of death
I would say, "He is still here
and I know he is still here because he took my name and made it his own.
He claws at my insecurities like a scratch off"
Nowadays when I look in the mirror all I see is all the things you stole from me.
They hang on the wall like a bad family photo.
But where are you?

I made the mistake of trusting you
and you made the mistake of believing that I was worth your time
Just let me pack up our promises and throw out the ones that weren't broken
I haven't woken up without my makeup still on for the past week
I just don't know to do with my love anymore.

I don't know exactly what happened
All I remember is my shower fresh hair
and your white tshirt.
I remember the heart ache
The urge to get rid of it some how.
I don't know if you made a difference
but you were there.
He just took another girl home so I needed to feel better
I needed to feel how he was making that girl feel
Tension builds. Faces touch.
Your hand ran down my spine.
Chills followed your fingertips
I heard you sing songs angels didn't know the words to yet.
I closed my eyes, the pleasure couldn't make up for the missing lyrics
Though we sang harmonies that fit the song, we were out of tune
Loneliness settled back into my heart
And this is all I've ever known about trying to move on.

It's not you, it's the fact that I never knew that your father was supposed to heal the wounds not cause them until I was 14.
It's not you it's the fact that I remember the cut on my mom's eye after my father threw a lamp at her. I remember the tears she cried. And when I asked her where she hurt she pointed to her heart.
It's not you it's the day my sister became homeless because she couldn't work because she was severely harmed in a car accident.
It's not you, but when I saw my old lover hanging from the ceiling I decided that would be the last time I ever put my happiness into the hands of anyone else.
It's not you but I know how love can rip you apart and I don't know if I can ever forget that and let you in.

I drink enough water until I can drown all of you out of me
because its so unfair that I love this more than you.
I really I could forget you as easily as I want you to forget all the things I ever said.
You said you were scared of relationships but really you're scared of having anybody care about you.
I said "I know how you feel when nobody is watching."
I begged you to stay with tear stained collars and a broken glass.
I begged pretending I didn't know of all the lies you told, as if I believed your excused.
It might not be as bad as it seems but I can't stop taking sleeping pills to forget your name and the way it sounded when you laughed.

It's been months in recovery.
I haven't cried on my bathroom floor in 229 days.
229 days. I thought I was fine.
But this feeling comes over me and I find myself slipping back into missing you.
Why did you do this to me? And your mom? And your little brother?
It's 2 am and I can't sleep.
I just keep hoping that this alcohol will wash away all my memories of you before you ended you. Ended me. Ended us.
That coffee shop still remembers me by name and they used to ask me where you were or how you were doing.. I guess my eyes hitting the ground was enough to make them understand because they stopped asking.
I wish you could come back, just five minutes.
Even if those five minutes were just a broken record replaying you calling me a "selfish *****" the last time I saw you.
Am I selfish?
I guess so because I never said what you needed to hear.
I was never enough because my demons had more power over me than I did.
I could never get rid of them and you knew that and you stayed...well as long as you could.
John. Your name sounds like an apology and coming home at the same time.
I wish you would'be stayed longer John..

I feel like my poems have just become a list of complaints but how can I find the beauty in this storm?
No church has ever heard as many prayers as that hospital room that night.
Your life hung in the house like a crucifix or an old family photo.
HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO GET THROUGH THIS?????
Did you think your absence would make anything better?
It hurts.
It's killing me.
You left in paragraphs. You said I'd be fine.
But when you left you took me with you.
Now my bathroom floor knows more about me than I do.
Now I see you everywhere. In the halls, in your sister's eyes, our coffee shop. oh God that coffee shop.
Your presence still paints the walls there.
The coffee isn't strong enough anymore.
All I taste is you.

No amount of love that you give me will make me love myself and I'm so sorry for that.

A TYPE OF LOVE THAT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN ED SHEERAN SONG
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT HAS ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER AGAIN
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT I TALK ABOUT TOO MUCH
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT IS MORE THAN JUST BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH

Please come back.
I know they say not to beg for someone who doesn't want you
but if I have to see you with her one more time I don't know what I'll do
I need you, nothing less, nothing more.
without you I feel so alone
My life, nothing more than a day spent on the floor.
My heart, just an abandoned home.
I didn't ask for much
I just wish you've would've called.
But all you gave was a selfish touch
And left as soon as I began to fall.
I'm not one for writing poems that rhyme.
But I wrote you so much in free verse you never gave a reply
So the more I wrote to you the more I felt like a waste of your time
You weren't just your body and your face for once in your life
You said thats why all your relationships have failed and maybe that's why now you don't even try.

I don't know what to write about anymore
because you haven't held my hands to stop them from shaking in almost 2 months.
You used to ask "whats wrong?" when you saw that my nails were getting short and now you don't even call.
You say, "Everything I've ever known has left me." as if I was never there in the first place.
I know you won't say it, but I know she borrows your clothes
and I think its messed up that I saw her wearing the shirt I bought you last Christmas.
You told me to move on because it would help me but you already know I break everything I touch so I'm scared to move anything because I might touch someone's heart.
I remember when you denied everything we ever had because it's hard to own up to having feeling for someone nobody wants.
They told you in your calculus class to solve the problems but I promise you they weren't talking about me.

Try not to be scared.
I know you said you don't believe in relationships because every single "real relationship" you've seen has failed
but I promise you we aren't them.
I know you don't think it could work but I promise I will work hard for you.
It's just that I feel the distance when you aren't here, whether its a room, a street, a city.
and that you brought life to this dead soul of mine.
I love you so much and I won't stop reminding you.
So don't be scared because I'm only scared when you aren't here.

It's 75 degrees outside
and I still feel cold
I still feel the fall
I still remember how autumn felt last October
I still remember you in that red plaid shirt that I loved
I still remember the emptiness of that coffee shop
you never showed up
I don't know why we thought we could last the four years that you needed to finish writing that chapter
You never showed up
But I can't stop seeing you.

Does she even make you feel like an Ed Sheeran song?

I miss walking into a "Good morning" from you. It always started my day off right,
2. I miss dancing with you, if you could even call it dancing because we are both so bad.
3. I miss the simplicity of our happiness. We would sit on a field and you always talked about how much you were going to miss me when I left.
My heart always sank in fear of the thought of leaving you but I thought about the many months ahead of us and it wasn't so bad.
4. I miss being jealous as crazy as it sounds. You would say "You're so selfish when its comes to me." Then I'd laugh but it was true. My eyes would sharpen when I saw with other girls...some were prettier, and smarter, and probably a better fit than me.
5. I miss your laugh. Oh god, what I would give just to hear you laugh.
6.  I miss your hugs. They always felt like coming home.
7. I miss biting your ear. It was so odd but I knew the easiest way to turn you on.
8. I miss your cuddles. Now I sleep alone.
9. I miss your hands and how your fingertips traced my body as if you were the artist and I was the painting.
10. I miss the way you made me feel secure and never alone. I guess I never realized the abandoned houses next to our coffee shop until I became one.

He lays on the bed.
Nothing but money on his mind.
He has to make a living, he has kids at home.
Times are tough.
When it rains it pours.

I lay next to him.
Feel his body next to mine.
My heart starts pounding as my fingertips trace his jawline.
Our faces touch, and a tear falls on his cheek.
I wipe my eyes, my whole body shaking.
He kisses me, his mouth with the taste of desperation and regret.

I break away from him, get off the bed, and hand him everything in my wallet.
His eyes turn red as his heart breathes for the first time.
"Are you serious? You don't have to do that."
My eyes fall.
"I know."
I walk out of his sanctuary and shut the door behind me.
That's when I learned the true meaning of selflessness,

"Have no regrets" they say but how can I not regret being the reason my lover is 6 feet under.
How can I not regret being the only reason my mom put up with my abusive father?
How can I not regret forgetting to tell my grandma, my hero, how much she meant when she was here?
How can I not regret beating up this guy's heart so much to the point he stopped showing up to school?
"Have no regrets because at one point it was all you ever wanted."
I never wanted any it.
I never wanted this life.
Having no regrets is for people who haven't made mistakes.

Will you come back?

You promised you wouldn't leave.
You said "no one is better than you"
You promised I meant something.
Now I'm not sure if I believe that.
I haven't got out of bed in 3 days.
I hope she tears your heart into pieces.
I hope her kisses taste like me.
I hope she shows you love then takes it away.
You wasted my time and I hope she ruins you.

The only thing I regret is believing for a second that I was someone worth loving.

You made me believe in people again.
That's the problem.
I should've known.

My god, I didn't know my heart could love someone this much.

I picked you every time.
I found you every time.
I knew you every time.
I loved you every time.
You hurt me every time.

I know you want her but I promise you its gonna be who stays up with you  until 5 am when you and your dad get in a fight and you need someone to talk to.
I know she's prettier but I promise you I'm gonna be the one who reminds you that your scars are the places where you are the strongest and to keep holding on.
I know she's smarter but I want to be the one who comes home and makes you dinner and asks you about your day.
I know she's funnier but I promise to laugh at all of your bad jokes.
I know you have history with her but we can write our own story.
I know she's better for you but I promise I'll be so alone without you.
I promise to love as hard as I can.

I think you're very inspiring and beautiful and I pray to God that there never comes a day where you don't see that.

When you start thinking about how much you miss me I hope you remember how many chances I gave you when you didn't deserve them and I hope you wish you could go back in time and remind me what it feels like to feel held.

Even if its not love, please don't leave me.
We can play pretend.

I'm trying to be fine without you
But I can't help but wonder if you ever keep yourself up at night wondering what I'm doing.
You gave me a chance I didn't deserve
But I really hope there's not a day you regret it.
I'm trying to move on but there's a part of me thats waiting for the phone call when you tell me you miss me.
Because I really miss you.
I know I didn't always treat you how you deserved but I always tried.
And I will always try to get you to come back.
I will always fight for us. For you.

There's a part of me that has to push you away.
I'm like a phone that can only dial 911.
This part of me screams at me like the silence at a funeral.
I've sent out many amber alerts to find the part of me that would let you in.
My mom says that I need to follow my heart but I can't look at my heart without covering in bruises because I can't help but blame it for all the scars left from another life.
You said, "You're something else." And thats the problem.
I have a reflection that looks like a mother burying her child.
I have a heart that feels like a birthday spent grieving.
I'm something else..I know.

I see those flowers sitting on the table. And all your pictures are face down so I don't have to be reminded. I called you and you didn't answer and I know I shouldn't be so surprised but I can't help it. I leave another message in hopes that you'll call me back. And all I know is the story that you left me with.

It all started on a day in October, the day before my birthday. You came up behind me and started playing with my hair. We barely knew each other. But just a few hours later we were on a bus holding hands in complete silence. It was awkward but nice. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt like that. We spent the next few months learning each other's favorite bands and what kind of coffee we liked. I learned that you used to deal with anxiety and you love iron man, and you learned why I'm scared of the dark and why Christmas is my favorite holiday. We let each other in.  

I remember when we were in the car and you were sad so I wrapped my arms around you for the next two hours and we fell asleep and I remember thinking it was alittle backwards but I also thought to myself I didn't know this kind of happiness was even possible and whenever we woke up you smiled and I laughed and it was all great in our little world.

I remember the day we went to the mall and you really wanted to take me to this weird restaurant and I said okay but I forgot my wallet and felt really bad when you handed me your card because you paid for breakfast and I felt like it put me in more debt because I was lucky just to be in the presence of the best person I'd ever met. My world became bearable when it combined with your world.

Now I think about all that we could've been and how easily it could've worked. But now you're there and I'm here and it's really not fair to be in love with you. Distance has really put a strain on our relationship and I see those flowers sitting on the table and I take them. I take them to that stone engraved with your name on it. All I know is that you don't know long distance until you're in love with a boy 6 feet underground.

I'm nervous to love you.
I know what its like to be left alone when my aching heart said too much.

I'm nervous to love you.
My father said I broke everything I touched.
Do you understand why I don't want to hold your heart?

I'm nervous to love you.
The last guy I loved left everything we had hanging on a ceiling.
He turned his red flannel into black suits and ties.

I'm nervous to love you.
I'm already a wreck.
I don't know if you will be able to see past that.

I'm nervous to love you.
I'm scared to rush into this.
I already feel so much.
I don't want to say goodbye to another person.
I'm scared you'll leave once you see the depths of my heart.

What do you do when you're in love with someone who doesn't understand why you scream yourself awake every night?

John.
Its been awhile.
But its your birthday.
I know I won't be able to write this without crying
but I'll try.
Its been a long year and a half without you.
I heard our song today and I knew that God must've been punishing me for not helping you.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that I am the reason you are not here anymore.
I'm sorry I pushed you away instead of helping you when you needed me the most.
I am so sorry that I can't help but think that I might as well have carved your name into that stone.
I'm sorry that I got to celebrate my birthday while yours is only celebrated through those who mourn you.
I am sorry that I allowed you to get close to me when I know I am a hurricane that feels no remorse when destroying peoples' homes and forcing them to find a new one.
I'm so sorry I didn't realize my heart beats for you until yours stopped beating.
I miss you terribly.
I hope you rest in peace.
I'll be living in guilt.

I would know you anywhere.

Take the time today to appreciate your favorite poet's work on HP, whether it be through a message or comment or liking their poems. Do so and tell me by liking/reposting this and I will show some appreciation to your work. It is always nice to feel like our creativity is inspiring to others. A simple comment could make someone's day.

1.I miss the way you laughed at my singing because you felt I always "tried too hard."

2. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder. It meant you cared. But now it means something else.

3. I miss how awake and alert you are in the morning. I miss pushing you and your too much energy self off because I wasn't awake enough yet.

4. I miss your sarcastic jokes that were always followed by a hug and a "I love you" with a chuckle.

5. I miss how silly our conversations were. We talked about everything and anything. You would say "How the hell did the universe come up with you?"

6. I miss the more deep conversations. You looked at the ground while my fingertips drew circles on your back. Your eyes would close and you slowed your breathing. I miss the stillness and that silence. Theres nothing I wouldn't give to trade this silence for that silence.

7. I miss the play fighting. I remember one time someone said "At first, I thought you guys were being serious but then I saw the way he looked at you." If only you could look at me like that again. Like nothing else mattered.

8. I miss your arms and the way it made me feel like I spent all of my life being in the wrong places. The only place, the one place, I belonged was in your arms.

9. I miss your awful jokes. I miss laughing not because I thought it was funny but because you said it and nothing made my heart feel more joy than you.

10. I miss you. I miss the amount of pride I felt standing next to you. I miss the fighting and the screaming and the slamming doors and the making up and the heartache and the pain. It was everything and nothing. It was painful but wonderful. It was all that I imagined love to be. I can't seem to say goodbye but I know you want me to.

As you know there is a part of me that has been suffering for awhile.
And I have tried so hard to push away these feelings of hatred out of my mind
but there is this void inside my heart that hasn't been filled.
When I met you it started to get better.
I started to smile again.
But being with you didn't fill the void that only self love can fill.
I thought that you would be able to fix me.
I thought that if you loved me enough that I would start to love me too.
but I was wrong.
Nobody can fix me except me.
I can't truly love anybody until I love myself and this is so hard to say.
Its hard because I'm hurting but I'm also hurting for you.
I picture you reading this and it breaks my heart.
This is so unfair to you.
But at this point in my life I have to help myself.
You did nothing wrong. This is all my fault and my problems.
You just loved me and you loved me so much that I couldn't bare the thought of being anything less than perfect for you.
This just isn't healthy. I need to get my thoughts back to a healthy place.
Please don't hate me.

1 5 3.

I watch tv to get my mind off you.
Three pills should clear my mind.
I shouldn't be reminded.
I don't want to remember the tears that fell when we figured out that this would never work.
I don't want to think about that goodbye kiss that tore every ounce of confidence in love I"ve ever had.
You said "I love you" as you kissed every memory away.
This isn't how things we supposed to end.
But we are emotionally damaging.
The more we try the more we fail.
We are trying to fight for what we had 8 months ago.
Its time to cut the rope in this tug of war.

I should tell you I pull away from hugs that last longer than 3 seconds.
I should warn you that my anger gets the best of me when I start to feel something.
It takes me awhile to adjust.
You're gonna have to be patient with me.

I know it may be hard to understand but my heart lets go before it even gets a grip.
I may not talk alot about my life but know that I am trying.
I  have been hurt so much before.
Try to be patient with me.

I've been down this road before and it left me with scars
so don't fret when my body tenses up when you grab my hand.
I'm starting to learn that the touch from a man isn't always full of empty promises and hurtful intentions.
You're gonna have to learn to be patient with me.