Tonight,
like every night,
is the night I will lay
awake in bed till 7 am
while my brain makes
conclusions and draws
assumptions out of every
little thing I've ever done in my life.
Then the fears creep in.
The ones about whether I will
ever be a successful member
of the human race or if I'll just crash and burn
like my sister before me.
whether I will look at myself
the same way she did
when she thought of her two
beautiful children as she stuck
that last needle into her veins.
and I fear that love isn't real.
I fear its not real for me.
The last person who told me they
loved me probably meant it
but i didn't say it back.
I didn't say it back.
He looked at me as though
he understood but
I held his soul in my fingertips.
He looks at me now and I wonder
if he feels empty just as
empty as I do now.
I fear if I say those words things will
fall apart. I fear I will not feel
love enough to follow
in my sisters footsteps.
I fear I will be close enough
to him that our souls will cross
I fear we could be happy and I fear
once it happens it'll all fall apart
like all the others before him.
I fear the universe crashing and
burning around me
as my thoughts run around like
rabid dogs
biting every inch of
my insides that they can.
I breathe in the smoke
of sad tobacco and
feel nothing.
I light another and feel nothing
I feel nothing so often
Maybe I can't recognize when
I actually feel something.
I've felt like nothing for so
long how can I
love like before.
Sometimes.
I wish my sister and I
were closer.
not just half.
being related and being
family have no correlation
yet why do I worry
I will be influenced by her.
Tonight.
This morning.
I start my day.
I continue
as though the ghosts watching
me tear through my skin
leaving gaping sores
and cuts that I can feel
but my face stays calm.
I keep walking.
If he says he loves me tomorrow.
like I think he will
I won't say it back.
but I'll feel something.
so maybe it’s worth it.
Maybe I'll recognize how to feel
something again.