one religion, two religions
three religions, four
i;ve got lots and lots of choices
and more are coming to my door
follow us, believe in me
our church, knows the true way
I've got last supper steak knives
what else is there to say?

tv preachers in their pulpits
selling religion like a game
like the Catholic church indulgences
What they sell is still the same
Buy my onyx desk set
it will put you on the path
i sit at home and watch them
and God, I have to laugh

Wars are fought about who's God
Is better in the end
But, it's the same God and same son
that God chose for to send
Holy Ghosts and miracles
Generated for the flock
I bet dear old Pope Peter
Is just spinning 'neath his rock

Put a thousand prophets
in a room with the same book
and you'll get a thousand versions
of where to go and where to look
Religion is a business
Don't sell yourself to me
I believe in God Almighty
In the sky, or in a tree

I'll do penance if I'm told to
not because I didn't buy
the Bob Ross painted version
of the angels in the sky
I tried to follow Buddha
Because, like me, he's kind of fat
But, I couldn't cross my legs that way
It hurt me when I sat

Jehovah's, get me riled
Coming round right to my door
Giving me their magazine
Not saying what it's for
There are so many religions
None is right and none is wrong
But, truth be told I like the ones
That have a guy who hits a gong

Atheists, are different too
They don't believe in God at all
So, who's name do they yell out
When they get walloped in the *****?
I'd like to see religion
get monitored and have rules
like, how each group can advertise
and have a list of union rules

Don't tell me one is better
Be it Budhist or another
Deep down, regardless of belief
you are my sister, or my brother
Finally, the mormon church
Has elders, they're young men
For this I'd just love God to say
I'm coming down....to start again

A day for celebration
of being brought into her nest
A day when everybody says
My mother is the best

But, what about the other days
we do not recognize
Is your mother still the best one
Or is all you say just lies?

They give us life
They clean us up
give us strength
when we have none
even when they ground us
is she still the bestest mom?

Even on this day of days
That we celebrate all she did
When you try to make her happy
You are still her little kid

In our house when I grew up
Mothers Day was one for Dad
When mom could have the house alone
We'd all leave and she was glad

She loves you when you are not there
She is a mentor as you age
The things she said when you were young
Now make her sound more like a sage

So, take this time to celebrate
Your mother....have a laugh
Gather up the whole fam damily
And leave mom....to have a bath!!!!

The topic for today's selection

Is how to deal with your *******

The price is high to get a thrill

But, it comes in a small blue pill

If your private will not shoot

Or, your soldier won't salute

There's an answer from a lab

That comes to you in a small blue tab

If you have poor self esteem

This pill could just fulfill your dreams

If your pecker seems to wilt

This will give your kilt a tilt.

So, if your manhood is slightly flaccid

Like the waters of Lake Placid

One small pill will make a diff

It won't take long and you'll be stiff

It works deep down on your projection

And points it in the right direction

It helps the package in your trousers

And makes the women all say "wowsers!"

They tried a cream, now that is gone

They couldn't get their work gloves on

They say it works and really fast

And helps to make your love life last

Your girl will love it, that's the goal

For now you've got a brand new pole

Dr. Frankenstein, he brought life

But, no excitement for his wife

She wanted more than he could give

The Doctor's "Monster" didn't live

They say don't drink it with a beer

The side effects are ones I fear

They say that if your BP drops

There's chances that your heart could stop

And should it last for say....4 hours

You should take some cold, cold, showers

Then, if it's still petrified,

I guess...go take it for a ride

Apparently, when it's like this

It makes it really hard to ****

But, if this pill should make it stand

Don't go waste it in your hand

Don't buy generic, at least not yet

For there's no telling what you'll get

It may stand up, it may lay down

It might just turn a dark, dark brown

Remember, it's to give you pride

And make your smile ten feet wide

It's not to ask "what's in my pocket"

"Well, dear it's shaped  like a rocket"

It's something to improve your life

And return enjoyment to your wife

For now that she knows this stuff works

You won't be wasting it on  jerks

You'll  be home where there's no pressure

And having *** at your own leisure

So now, I'll end with some advice

And I don't want to have to  tell you twice

The next time you go to NIagra

Take along a few ******!

Head and Shoulders, knees and toes

That's the way the story goes

Here is something no one knows

To lepers...it's important

It's the inventory song

You may think that this is wrong

Put me back where I belong

But, lepers need to do this

Count your digits 'fore you leave

It's a fact you must believe

They're not out for to deceive

They need to inventory

If they count and all is there

They face the world without a care

They lose their parts, but not their hair

Their day will be successful

Head and Shoulders, Knees and toes

That's the way the old song goes

I've got four fingers and six toes

I guess I'll put some gloves on

The inventory song is neat

It teaches them, they need two feet

Or they can't walk down the street

It really is important

Gripping things is kind of tough

When digits...you've not enough

You know your fingers' with your stuff

You'll go and find it later

So, if you think that  this is wrong

And you do not like this song

Put me back where I belong

I think this song's a service

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes

I've a friend with half a nose

Now you know what no one knows

Inventory is required.
.

Today I got the "look"
You men know the "look"
Well, today I got it
And it wasn't from my wife
It was a scary "look"

When my wife gives me the "look"
I sit down, and shut up real fast
You can't win against the look
I know...I've tried
I lost...to the "look"
today I got it from a stranger

My wife is good with the "look"
A real professional
I'm sure there are days, I'm sure of this
That my neighbor sits down
And shuts up, in sympathy...
He knows someone is getting the "look"
He doesn't know who...but he sits down

today, I said something at work
And I got the "look"
I wasn't scared though
It wasn't my wife, what could happen?
I found out what could happen
Two more women....and a stronger look
Not as good as my wife though
But....I was looking for a chair in case

I've tried giving the "look"
Doesn't work....my wife laughs
says I look constipated
I can't do the "look"
I thought I had the "look" once
they called an ambulance
by the time I explained the "look" to the nurses
I was getting the "look" from the nurses
I gave up trying

they sent me home....by bus
they said I didn't deserve a cab
they called my wife....I sat down
I know she was giving me the "look" over the phone
She's good
I got the bus....sat down...tried to stand
Couldn't....I was still getting the "look"
Didn't see it...didn't have to...but I sat down
She is good!!

Last word of advice about the "look"
Don't argue....don't dare speak
and don't make eye contact....
you'll end up sitting down right there
You may *** yourself, and you may
Just admit to something you didn't do
That will get you another "look"
Just be smart...sit down and shut up
Wait an hour, and try to stand
If you can...you're safe
Beware the "look"
The most dangerous weapon in your woman's arsenal....

I don't know how old you are,
But you don't look your age.

Your skin is tight,
Your eyes are bright,
And yet
You loose your teeth at night.

I don't know how old you are,
But you don't look your age.

You don't walk
With a cane,
Wear a diaper,
Or leave a stain;
Usually you
Recall my name.
But then you have
Some nose hair
Like late September grain.

I don't know how old you are,
But you don't look your age.

You don't wear knee-highs
In Bermuda shorts,
Your moles are hairless,
You hide your warts,
Yet you don't play
Outside sports.

I don't know how old you are,
But you don't look your age.

Your hair's not blue,
Your ears are hairless;
There's things about you
That seem ageless.

I don't know how old you are,
But you don't look your age.

You swagger like an actor
On a curtain call;
It's hard to gauge
The age you wear
Since your overhaul.

I don't know the half of it,
But you don't look your age.