At what point do you realise you're a number
How do I know that all these promises, you didn't whisper to them too
I say I've never felt this way, you say you love me
I can't stop holding myself up against them
And all I feel is scrutiny, inferiority and broken
I hate myself now for only seeing an act

On the journey from your mouth to my ears
All these words lose everything and end up empty
But I've never thought me good enough
And perhaps I never will

So the ones who come before me stand tall over me and promise to never let me go
Yet somehow in the dark, in the deep deep dark

I see you

You're alone and holding in your hands all the meaning from the words that were lost
You hold it up to me and look further into me than anyone has ever done before
And I break and the tears that leave me carry the doubt away into my pocket and form a weight
I kiss you and embrace everything you hold and make it my own
I fall into you and become aware of how much I love you

Until I reach into my pocket and they're there

Waiting to grasp my hand

Whisky, whisky.
My worst
Best friend.
You have embarassed us
Again.

Whisky, whisky.
One kiss leads to
Another.
Angry lover.
A terrible mother.

Warm. Sweet.
All a woman should be.
Smiling
With perfect
White fangs.
Whisky,

Whisky.
If we keep biting
And clawing at her
Heart, it's your
Fault
If I end up as single
As your malt.

i miss
the way
i miss you..........

She lives with her '70s condescending mom,
And her Gods are nonbelievers.
She sulks, swears 'n spits in air
Squandering in profound style
As she wears plaid shirts to
Jimmy Choos,
"feeds her cat, eats her dog",
Keeps a job, quits on true love,
Flirts in no faith with
the guys in the gym,
overlooks men at the bar,
Smiles at the kid in the park,
Laughs at celebrities' mishap,
Sleeps to Indie pop Rock
post two whisky shots.
But hey, she's too far from
any breakdown.

Complete the sentences:
I am:  so much more than I give myself credit for.
I want:  to smile, and mean it.
I wish:  so much didn't have to be a secret, because it's tiring.
I hate:  that I don't hate him.
I miss:  normal, even though I am not sure I know what normal is.
I fear:  nights, noises, intimacy.
I hear:  the unkind words in my dreams. But also the kind ones, when I'm awake. ( I just struggle to believe them, but I hear.)
I wonder:  if he's sorry.
I regret:  not telling sooner.
I am not:  what was done to me.
I dance:  only when I am drunk.
I sing:  in the car.
I cry:  at night, most nights, as quietly as I can.
I am not always:  OK when I say I am.
I make with my hands:  representations of how I see the world, but sometimes they are disturbing.
I write:  in my journal, almost every night.
I confuse:  people's busyness with uncaring.
I need:  to take better care of myself.
I should:  think positive.

...on my self-worth:

I am worthless, or close to it
I twist my self-worth to depend on the people I care about, so the smallest, most unintentional slight is taken with too much sensitivity
I don't deserve to be cared for
I am *****, and bad
I am at fault

...on my relationships:

I trust people I shouldn't too quickly, and people I should, not enough
I am emotionally needy, seeking constant reassurance that someone cares
At the same time, I push people away, testing their caring
Relationships with my parents are superficial
Relationships with my young siblings...were strained; now, they are better, but I am still unsure about how they really feel toward me

...on my views about ***:

*** is easily used for power
*** is easily made to be about control
*** is painful and causes guilt
*** is a way to make people want and/or need you, to make them want to be close to you

...on my life in positive ways- what strengths have I gained?*

+For all my emotional neediness, I am pretty self-sufficient- I know how to run a household and take care of a family
I am compassionate and empathetic
I am not broken, even with all I have been through- this shows me that I am strong
I know how not to parent

The truth it wavers
In mine eye
But the whiskey
It never lies
The smoked out burn
A liquid caress
That helps me slip out
Of my dress
And into bed
With book and glass in hand
To a peaceful
Troubled rest

This morning I rose before the sun, 
Stretched slowly and yawned wide,
Then drove to the skate park,
knowing it would be empty this early. 
I skated, really skated, 
braver away from others' eyes. 
Others trickled in over the hours. 
Sitting, resting on the bleachers
A question from another,
"why is no one skating?"
I, confused, reply incredulously
"Why are YOU not skating?"
His explanation saddens me. 
He doesn't skate, 
is twenty years old,
and so feels it's too late. 
I'm 26, I tell him,
I just started and I'm terrible. 

It's true. 
I'm unsure of myself
and my form
       is
   off
but I'm trying. 
We have this one life,
one chance. 
Why would you not try
for something 
you've always wanted to do
or something you love?
You don't have to be good,
but ****, 
you do have to try.

I know that in the past I hated being all alone.
I felt like no one love me nor cared about me.
I thought that I was alone because I was unlovable.
I thought that I was worthless, and too broken to be fixed.
But now I know that I am alone because God is fixing me.
He is healing me and repairing me into someone special.
I am going to become one of his masterpieces a work of art.
He loves me so very much that he wants to fix me up.
So never think that because you are alone that you are unlovable.

I am free, because Christ loves me enough to free me.
When we become free from sin and addictions of all kinds.
Then we are free indeed, to testified to Christ love for us.
We can do nothing on our own, only through Christ.
Can we give up on sins and addictions that holds us hostages.
Only through Christ that strengthen us do we have a testimony.
One that will reveal to the world that Christ is alive and well.