for Tascha

deep in the pond of unhappy, swimming,
drowning the next contemporaneous
depression thought quickly swallowed,
desperation in quick glances everywhere,
dawn is no consolation but just another
daily drawing tighter of twine cutting
disillusionment


dear god, commences every thought,
delayed answers have yet to arrive,
**** the deity's non-responsivness,
dare not say out loud lest,
deserved fates be worse, be realized,
didn't know? how can that be?
disguiser par excellent, I am the original
deceiver

But I never think about

death or dying, for that would be
defeat finale, a statute to, a status of none, a
destiny some wick spark, still insists can be
deferred

differed always,
diffidently, but grasping yet at the
double entendre that is my
dark vision of a future already past

May 2015

I'm scared of the tears

that I don't cry

The days like this

that I don't die

I'm scared of the pain

that slips my mind

It comes back harder

than what I left behind

©

finite are the days left to open up
to shed some light on the darker things
be honest

like how the old woman said
two months before she died she was
worried about me

she had seen her end
and I remember crying so hard
and long that night with her

but I couldn't see as she
did or
prophesy

as well
or look hopeless
amidst her agony

I didn't want to see:
now,
when it comes

time for me to look destiny
straight in his dark eye
I see her

reflection and it eases my
mind
kind of puts things

right into perspective
tends to make sense how time
eases the end

and I foresee when his death claw comes
reaching my throat
and the end

approaches
if someone I love says
as I did

don't give up, fight
for all you are
I may say

as she so softly said
to me, that night when she
passed

I am just so tired
and I will give up
and it will

be ok
and the world
will keep on spinning

Being alone is nice sometimes,
but it can be very lonely too.
Seeing all the fun that they can have
doing things you can no longer do.

It feels like God is picking on me,
saying "Haha look at you!
I'm going to give you the grandest dreams
but you'll be gone by 32."

I try to talk to the people around
although it seems that they don't understand.
I can't really do all the things I would like,
but i'm trying the best that I can.

I used to find pleasure in the simple things,
like a beer and a bask in the sun.
The era of joy and stars in my eyes
it seems is finally done.

So please reserve your judgements until you
can feel what I feel inside.
Don't tell me how to spend my time
when it's a pain to be alive.

I've been trying to find a way to live
while also struggling to survive.
So ******* until you've died and come back to life
before you could even drive.

And when I decide it's my time to go,
you can bet I won't be sober.
I bought the ticket, I took the ride,
but now Football Season Is Over.

I thought I was doing it right
Loving and caring
Protecting and nurturing
But it was not these things that you wanted
You did not want my watchful eye
You did not want my encompassing embrace
You wanted "freedom"
I offered you food
You preferred drink
I offered you health
You preferred death
I offered you home and hearth
You preferred open night skies
I offered you me
You preferred her
I offered you words
You wanted silent acceptance
I thought I was doing it right
Loving you the best way I knew how
Little did I know my love was too heavy
Too much
And too late

a tiny traversed vertical
noise a chatter
space a time thing
I go down to the cellar

cellular and wifi not here
to interfere
any more with
my deep seated rhythms

rhyme an ancient paradigm
with the oil burner by my side
the darkness mold and
mystery brewing

calm satisfied  cruel radar alone
in the cold dankness near I feel
a comfort bold almost
mystical

speak to me the altered states
the after day and nights became
a different dream
the awesomeness of letting loose

in a cellar a long lost muse
spoke and sung danced and
used my spirit my obtuseness
obvious

my sway to her tune my
feebleness all caught between
her haunting voice her croon
away I went to

dark alone but for her doom
an island there
in the middle of nowhere