i learned how
to diagnose myself
somewhere
along the way

trauma
dissociation
abuse
depression

so many words
to describe
who i may be

words i don't talk about

i worry about
drowning
in waters
no one can see
but me

These are not the times
for poetry…
For lofty prose or
roses budding in
warm sunlight
to gently perfume
the wind with
a delicate reminder
of tenderness.

These are the days of
****** knuckles;
chipped teeth.
The days of beating the truth from strangers,
then strangling that truth
with a piece of garden hose.
The bad days, the ugly days
when poets take up fighting and
fighters take to ******.
The goddammitfuckyou days.

Welcome to the clinched fist.
Beautiful things must be whispered.

I recognize
this ground
laced with stones
and poisoned barbs
hike barefoot here
unafraid

a barren desert
feels like home
when there is nothing
to be lost or gained

I have been here
many times before
stripped down naked
in the noonday sun
watching vultures
wheel and dive

as I dangle
twist and spin
ever the enabler
enabling

In Florida sometimes it rains so hard
that you believe that it can't possibly stop,
that it will just rain and rain forever.

Sometimes I'd wake to a storm late at night,
and I'd sit out on the porch.

You could smell the lightning, and the coolness of the storm would
make your hair stand;
I'd feel so alive.

Some nights I'd go out, and my father
would be sitting on the porch already.
Lost in the storm
or maybe
called to it.
We wouldn't talk,
but we'd be lost together
in the rain and thunder.

Sometimes I wonder what of him
is left in me.
I am not sure
if I am more afraid of there being
very little
or of there being a great deal,
but when it rains
I think about him on that porch;

I take a deep breath to staunch
That constant clang and clatter
Be still and follow the hunch
Before it’s too late to matter

I need a quiet place
A shift in space, a change in stealth
My next breath can create
Some room to gaze at something else

Soon I must take a break
I can’t settle down or think straight
Wrestling with those demons
I know not the time or the date

Looking back looks so abnormal
Deadly games of Red Rover
Spawning pages from my journals
Replaying over and over

I know not steps to take
On pathways for planting the seed
Peace, her elusive face
Turns away whenever I plead

Time to build that Safe House
Only I have the key to the door
Where peace and bliss abounds
I meet each holy moment and soar

Seek a new vision there
And learn to think more about others
Let go my tormented memories
Seeing All-my Sisters and Brothers

I find that peaceful space
Just to release what I don’t need
Harmony-Beauty-Love
Replaces all my soul has freed

Filling up my Heart Space
As soft as a sweet baby’s kiss
Some name the feeling Grace
I feel a sense of peace and bliss

I ask this of you, Lord
In your hands my fate lies
I've wandered in blindness
Please Lord open my eyes

Let your love fill me
Let your love heal me
Don't let life steal me
From your tender love

I prayed to you, Dear Lord
With these sighs my words poured
Please clothe me in your love
And hear your ev'ry word

I was tired and so lonely
My mind broken in shame
Until I was led to
Calling out in your name

Like gardens need water
Oh we reap what we sow
Your light in my path, Lord
Helps me see my faith grow

I feel heartbeats of Spirit
When it holds me so near
It's God's grace that saves us  
And erases all fear

I sing to you dear Lord
Like a child just been born
For love, strength and wisdom
You've been here all along

I let your love fill me
I let your love heal me
I won't let life steal me
From your tender love