last night
I lost the best friend
I ever had

I hold myself
in contempt,
or I don't.
Either way
my day is spent
doing what I want,
wanting what I do.

There are two half-full cups of coffee on my desk
(and one in my car).
But you'd make me more in the morning
If I asked.
Like how you would drive my car in the rain,
Because I can't see the road
(even though I never told you I couldn't)
And then make me watch bad movies.
You're better than the rain,
You're the whole monsoon season,
Shaking the whole world up with yourself,
And making it better every time.

I should have asked you to take me for a drive.
I never had a moment alone with you.
We should have sat and cried.
There's little more to hold on to.

I hope you're feeling peaceful,
Someplace where you are loved.
The time has come and gone.
The time has come and gone.

I should have told you all
My deepest secrets.
I wonder what you'd have said
When I told you.
You would have love, I bet.
There is little left to hold on to.

I hope you're feeling wanted,
And that you're having a ball.
I hope you're where you want to be,
Or you're nowhere at all.

I should have had less
Fear of loving you.
We never had a moment
To clear the air.
I'd weep into your shoulder
Like a little child.

I hope you're feeling peaceful.
Someplace where you are loved.
The time has come and gone.
The time has come and gone.

I hope you're feeling wanted,
And that you're having a ball.
I hope you're where you want to be,
Or you're nowhere at all.

I hope you're feeling peaceful,
Someplace where you are loved.
The time has come and gone.
The time has come and gone.

I hope you're feeling wanted,
And that you're having a ball.
I hope you're where you want to be,
Or you're nowhere---

Somebody save me,
Before I pull my walls up and before my pride takes over.
I'm in need of saving.

Usually I'm not one for these humble words,
I'd rather ramble, stutter and diverse the topic
Throwing jokes in mid air for you to catch and forget the situation
Only to quickly build walls and listen to my inner demons telling me that I'm alright and that they'll save me.

Somebody save me
Because who I was is not who I am
And that's terrifying,
It's petrifying
And I can't help but shake.

Okay stop.
Truth is right now as we speak, I'm building walls.
Regretting every word that utters,
My inner demons are telling me to stop, they are telling me that I'm fine.
That these thoughts are just non existent.

And trust me I want to believe that.
I want to be able to follow their instructions,
Because truth be told they are the greatest distractions.
But these subliminal thoughts are killing me,
Taking away everything that defines who I am.

I don't know what to do.
'Talk', they say.
' I do' believe me I do.
But talking does not help when they don't listen and try to understand.
I am on the verge of losing myself.
And I keep talking, talking but they keep brushing me away.

"It'll get better, it's all in your head", they say.
Sometimes to be spontaneous they throw half heated "sorry" or "Wow, I never knew", but they did.

Somebody save me.
Because my inner demons are fighting my subliminal demons and it's tearing me to pieces.
One minute I know I'm not okay and the next I say I am.
A few seconds later I'm ****** up and I want to cry and the next my own tears make me feel awkward because I'm okay.

I'm afraid of going home.
The thought is bitter,
It makes me sour.
My inner demons say that it's because I'm a city kid it's a phase feeling.
My subliminal demons tell me , I have not accepted and therefore I'm haunted by what is not home.

I'm afraid of being alone.
Sure my inner demons are on high alert.
They make sure that I am distracted.
That I'm always busy, fiddling, reading,  something.
But the minute I zone out,
Like now, I don't breathe, I Witness my pain,
I feel it.
I'm not alright.
But thankfully just like now. My inner demons take those thoughts away.

Nobody save me.
I'm alright