i thought that you were heaven sent
i had no idea of the hell you'd bring
thinking of all the time we spent
screaming when we should sing

you left me hurt, left me bent
left me feeling that bitter sting
wondering where the heaven went
struggling with a broken wing

I wrote about how the birds still sang
The morning you left me
And the trees were still green
I wrote about how the world doesn't stop
Even when mine is crumbling

I walked around you
seven times
under that canopy
and you smashed that glass
our hearts flew
         and all around us
Cheers
Then moving down the line
with these mixed up mashed up
years
Three growing precious seedlings
in our shared garden
         fertile soil, tender new leaves
blessings of fruit and flowers
                     cornucopias of sheaves
As we battled side by side
when hard times
           demanded nourishing:
Little bud born before her time
                 now a blossom flourishing
Little man struggling with his anger
                        calmer in his essence
Angel child's illness
and recovery:
a blessed efflorescence
Yes this woman is thankful
appreciative beyond words
and simultaneously so weary
                         of always struggling to be heard
yes, deep inside
long years remaining
              invisible
less and less warmth
of emotional and physical
and now, somehow
        your motivation has been tossed
  the way to each others' spirits
in raging heartwaves- lost
If this sacred bond
was written in fire
Baby, you have left me to burn
The only way to save myself
is to search for all I yearn
I made myself into what I thought
you wanted
Pushed my soul into a tiny box
now it simply won't stay in
and I bust open all the locks

I put out the fires
       of the stars in my eyes
to try and fit your flow
in the process
lost myself in the abyss
ignoring my inner glow
    
Well
my darling it is time
to be released from darkness
if you will not
take my hand
if you will not
run with me
if you will not
accept my hands of help
if you will not
be willing
at all
I will walk seven times  around the fire
I will smash the glass of my heart
I will pick up those pieces
and hold them up to the stars
I will be rebuilt,
taking back the constellations

I will throw them back
into the vastness
of creation
I will honor our process
before I gently, firmly,
take apart
the sweet universe
we have constructed
finishing the start
we will protect our flowers
And you will wonder
as you turn
into earthen fossil stone

Why on earth,
why in heaven's name
are you suddenly
alone

I'd heard, that when one door closes
Another opens
When she closed her door to you,
I opened mine
Still, you looked at that closed door
When it rained
My door stayed open
It snowed
I kept that door opened
You went right on
Eternally watching her closed door
Mine stayed open
The trouble with an open door,
Is that people can come in
And take
They took
Still, you watched her closed door
Now, I have no door left to close

You are the bright oasis in a dark lonely desert.
You are the playful butterfly kissing my cheek.
You excel at pulling my heart strings,
But the social butterfly you are-
You forever flutter to flower to flower;
Petals licked and devoured.
Anything serious teeter-totters.
Anything Real topples over.
You ARE a Great Escape.
One to ride and pass over;
A brief flash and thunder.
Oh, what a Scream you are!
I want to scream.

I feel so stitched together, like a rag doll -
not one worn down from being loved too much,
but one who has been ripped apart by loving too much.
And each lover picked me apart stitch by stitch – undone.
Then I’m left in threads: I am fully exposed.
How can that be, after spending years –many more all told –
sewing myself back together, my needle and thread fighting
to keep up. I naively trusted each lover when they promised
to mend me. What if someone had told me twenty years ago:
If you fall in love, never fully trust them, and ask yourself –
does he love me more?
I didn’t know then, I wasn’t so undone –
I could have stayed together.

© Sia Jane