Cluttered, overwhelmed, what is left but total despair?
Try not to blow things out of proportion... but nothing is being blown.
This is the harsh reality.
Stoop down to my level. Try grasping the amount of pain in my being.
For once, take into consideration my emotions.
I'm done trying to make the best of things. Even then it did not turn out being enough.
Now is it clear how much I tried before?
Even when it was said that no effort was given?
Now i'm not pleasing you or anyone else and that, that is beginning to show its true colors.

Gifted boy, ever giving man.
You give and you give, hoping that it'll bring her back.
She, no longer the same, accepts and accepts, but still she ran.
Wandering, lost, looking for his north star
to lead him back home where he will no longer feel far
far from the ache , the loneliness, absence of love.
Little does he know, love is anything but a dove.

He persists and he struggles, ignoring what's within.
The call to something greater, another 'she' he can win.
The other 'she' waiting patiently for the lost, wandering boy

Waiting and waiting for her life-long joy
hoping and wishing that she is his all.
His everything, but his toy.

I walk and I glance.
To look at you and swoon.
To feel romance.
That lights me up like the moon.
God, you make me feel so safe.
God, I beg you, wrap me in your embrace.
For I want you and only you.
You. you make me feel so brand new.

You are left
left
left
with regret

He meets you and greets you and taunts you into playing with his building blocks of "what ifs" and "should haves"
A miserable play date
I stay and entertain him because he knows that that is what I deserve
I owe him time

i cant
you tell me i can
but in the end
I will prevail
because I got the good working for me
and you have nothing
nothing but despise, hatred and contempt working with you
those guys are out for you, not for you.
good luck

I am writing a poem that doesn't rhyme
to show you that I can survive
without you and your crooked smile
without you and your love that was so vile

I am writing a poem that is small
small like the idea that I am still in love with the thought of you

It is getting easier to be able to see the curves and crevices in my body
with my own two eyes

Not with the wandering eyes of the man on the street
Not with the teary eyes of love long gone
and not with the abusive perverse eyes that once stole my dignity

No! I am beginning to see, my vision is returning.
I can see what is before me and love it with the love that I was born with.

Thanks so much.

Alas, no.
No it is not...

Pushing.
Pulling.
Falling.
Defeat.
You've lost it all before.
What's their to lose?

Leaving you and forgetting you was one of the hardest things I had to do and Lord knows I have passed through some of the hardest times.
I honestly loved you with what seemed like everything I had to give.
Love I couldn't even reward myself with was lavishly placed on you.
Oh, how I miss those nights we'd spend together, embraced in each others ideas and care. We'd ooze about how we felt like one entity, our love so strong and tender. Slowly, we'd drift away from the problems that plagued us both, problems that haunted our every waking minute.
Two lost, tortured, tragic souls we were. You, more out of control then me.
Silly how I thought I could contain you, settle you down into my cold heart with hopes that your faux light would shine the way through the never ending darkness I would hide from.
Ill love you forever I'd say so foolishly, knowing that I would regret every word.
I never allowed myself to use those words with anyone, to anything. That was childs play and I was never a child.
But you, you deserved every word in the universe. You deserved anything that made you feel like the beautiful creature I saw you as.
I loved you I loved you and I say loved because I would be a fool
to be in love with you
still.

I write to you in high hopes
high hopes that you are doing just fine
I write to you in long terms
long terms filled with a load of forced gleam
This goes out in hopes that you have
found love
found happiness
stopped the pain
and moved on
I write to you in high hopes
high hopes that you are doing just fine
unlike me.

good feeling vibrating all through my bones and flesh
you know i'm big, i'm bad, you know it
shoulder shaking, head bopping, foot tapping, fingers snapping
*who's bad?

Never knowing exactly what to suspect, I creep into your new found light, your new found ray of warmth and cautiously, I lift my face towards it.
Basking in the ambiance, I ignore the piercing inner cries of self-defeat.
You have taken and abused so much from me.
No more.
This is mine and I plan on feeding every inch of my care, my value, my emotions into it.
The time has come to rise against and shun that which is not true.
*You never know until you find out.

the man with my heart
there you stand not knowing what you do to me
my stomach screaming, my insides reeling, playing hopscotch and jumping rope
your smile excites me, your goodness places me in a trance
those puppy dog eyes are begging to be played with
alas, you are far beyond me
in both age and experience
all you will ever see me as is a young lady
who knows where she is at
but nonetheless
is too young

little girl, don't be so sad

little girl, it can't be all that bad

little girl, learn to tie your shoe

little girl, come do this to me too

little girl, keep quiet
no one will love you like me

little girl, keep quiet
or else you'll be thrown into the sea

                                                            ­                    little girl, not so little anymore
little girl, her heart you tore                                                             
                                       
little girl, don't be so sad

little girl, it can't be all that bad

Long nights full of wonder and possibility. The grass beckoning to embrace the bodies that remain tingling. Walking through the streets in search of one another, leading up to the warmth from the heart of a lover. The sky large, Nay! Infinite, invites its visitors with a wide-eyed moon. Twinkling dots of heaven shining through illuminating the way for the pair of hearts that search for something greater that won't keep them apart.

Now kept apart, this something greater is not mutual.
The love one felt has died: faded.
The love the other felt lives on in motives not yet stated.

my mom is getting older
pushing 55
while i'm treading a mere 18
this shows and displays
alone, alone, how i'll always be without you
the lord knows i walk alone
he tries to walk with me as i run
into nothingness

You call my name and in an instant I feel comforted.
It is you for whom my heat yearns.
Still, I brush off the yearning and feed it second hand knock-offs.
Pulling away as if there is something I fear. Protection and safety satisfy this longing at times but this too will diminish soon.
Love is not the appropriate term, for I love sounds, phrases, words and sights. But none bring me the joy and relief that you're voice alone can bring me.
Alas, what does one murmur to oneself when trying to fathom your splendor?
Love does not and will never suffice.
Perhaps one day I shall be able to grasp what it is that you do to this ever beating, yearning, muffled heart of mine.

You were saying something, weren't you?
Saying how I couldn't do it?
Well guess what?
I did.
Who's thinking about you now, baby?
I got myself.
You have your music.
*Tragic

That moment
that fleeting sheer moment of time
where you gave it back
threw it back
all that I ever had to give you
You threw it back

Like unwanted seconds
Like it didn't mean anything
Like it means nothing to you
All that I have
means nothing

Still, I sigh and wallow and sink
in all the love
I have
and want to give to you.

Will school make me a better person or bitter and successful?
Have I really forgiven and have the deepest bleeding wounds begun to heal?
Will the man I sigh for hear my cry and pity me with a date?
Or will I wait around endlessly until I realize "Oh, its much too late..."
This and so much more troubles my eager mind
but Oh, I wont bother you anymore
No, I haven't got the time.

You know and I know and they know that there are those people that you have known about for the longest time
Those people who don't even exist in the back of your mind,
but you know that their existence is...
well...
in existence.
I am becoming friends with those kinds of people, people that make their nests in the deepest shadows of my subconscious.
Interesting human beings to say the least, each with their mandala-like moves and quirks that I have not yet memorized.
These are the people I am choosing to spend the moments that I have on earth with.
Interesting, don't you think?

It's like a stupid, ******* game of Jenga or building blocks.
A proud child will spend all their time building, constructing, carefully, and tediously placing one block atop the other.
A big beautiful tower.
Glowing, the child basks in the glory and contentment of having created such a beautiful thing from such hard work.
But alas, the tower crashes and falls.
Blocks spilling everywhere and in all directions.
Complete annihilation.
The child is devastated.
It must begin from scratch.
Picking up and also having to find where the pieces may have landed.
Tears in her eyes, she recuperates and she grudgingly must begin anew.
An entire new tower from the debris.

I am the tower.
I am the child.
I must begin again.

It's when you're in love.
With someone, something, somewhere.
You give your heart, your soul, your needs, your dreams, your memories, your time, your laughs, your eyes, your mouth, your everything.
It is accepted.
Then thrown to the floor.
Shattered.
Right there in front of you.
With full eye contact the whole time.
A smirk in place.
Laughter, even.
You are dumbfounded.
Why?
What was that?
What was that?
The trust is gone.
Your heart commences breaking.
It eats itself.
Your hands bleed.
Your hair falls.
Your mouth is shut.
Your fingers are cut off.
Your stomach is exposed.
Your thighs cut open and hollowed.
Your knees broken like eggshells.
Your feet peeled inch by inch.
Your toes yanked out recklessly.
Your toenails split in half, each one.
What are you now?
Who are you now?
Where are you now?
When will you be whole again?
You
are
destroyed
mutilated
broken
distorted
You are done.

Awaiting the arrival of a new day, emotions fluctuating ceaselessly. Cross legged on my fortress, I smile and stretch as my mind is full of linguistically witty poetry of Mr. Ohara.
Perhaps tomorrow shall  be a brighter day with new promises and feelings that will bring me temporary relief.
Temporary relief seeing as nothing is ever permanent. It's the darnedest thing, isn't it?
The uncertainty of it all.
We learn to accept.
We learn to keep going on.

i like to think that
i know what i am doing with myself
i am a liar
a compulsive liar