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age
Cin Nov 2012
age
Cluttered, overwhelmed, what is left but total despair?
Try not to blow things out of proportion... but nothing is being blown.
This is the harsh reality.
Stoop down to my level. Try grasping the amount of pain in my being.
For once, take into consideration my emotions.
I'm done trying to make the best of things. Even then it did not turn out being enough.
Now is it clear how much I tried before?
Even when it was said that no effort was given?
Now i'm not pleasing you or anyone else and that, that is beginning to show its true colors.
2011
Cin Nov 2013
only god can judge you for what you have done to me
only god can judge you for what you have done to this family
only god can heal these wounds
only god can leave me in the darkness to face it on my own
it never mattered anyways
Cin May 2013
Gifted boy, ever giving man.
You give and you give, hoping that it'll bring her back.
She, no longer the same, accepts and accepts, but still she ran.
Wandering, lost, looking for his north star
to lead him back home where he will no longer feel far
far from the ache , the loneliness, absence of love.
Little does he know, love is anything but a dove.

He persists and he struggles, ignoring what's within.
The call to something greater, another 'she' he can win.
The other 'she' waiting patiently for the lost, wandering boy

Waiting and waiting for her life-long joy
hoping and wishing that she is his all.
His everything, but his toy.
waiting
Cin Aug 2013
Working through my emotions
and problems like a daily chore
to be completed
in the wee small hours of the morning.

Beautiful sadness, they say
How romantic

If that's the case then take your ******* beauty.
Id rather have ugly joy
then this menacing,
threatening melancholy
dressed up in gorgeous linens.

Just ******* let me live without you.
I need to get back! I NEED TO
Cin Jan 2013
I walk and I glance.
To look at you and swoon.
To feel romance.
That lights me up like the moon.
God, you make me feel so safe.
God, I beg you, wrap me in your embrace.
For I want you and only you.
You. you make me feel so brand new.
Cin Nov 2012
He never loved you. He used you to satisfy his own ****** needs.
He loves you. He wants you to stay because without you he dies. He is nothing. He is alone.
***** him.
You can't even take care of yourself.
Let him die.
Let him squirm.
Let him squirm, just like how you had to...
Because of him.
Make the pain seep in. Seep in.
Make him feel pain. Feel pain.
Make him human in that sense.
**Mr. ******* Perfect.
2010-11
recovering stages
anger writing
Cin May 2013
Burning candles, dim light
Much like my mind, trying to fight
for that last breath of oxygen to keep it going
The ember, the wick, ever-glowing
Fingers, 10 of them grasping the rectangular device
Reaching, yearning, for some type of advice
Advice from words, long forgotten, yet still spoken
the only words that speak from my heart; the ever-precious token
Heartless, bitter, cold
All words used to describe a broken girl
Just doing as she's told
"Go on," he said "give me a little twirl."
Cin Aug 2013
You are left
left
left
with regret

He meets you and greets you and taunts you into playing with his building blocks of "what ifs" and "should haves"
A miserable play date
I stay and entertain him because he knows that that is what I deserve
I owe him time
treading heavily
Cin Apr 2019
I dream of her and she is happy
She is smiling and she is running
free and without a care in the world
The sun is beaming, the water is cool and it reflects the bright sun
everything is a dream and things are the way they should be
I take care of you and no one can touch you
I am complete and you know you are loved
The dream has to end and I wake up to see your picture by my bedside
You are smiling and you are a small child
I will never forget those days we had
I wish I could be with you again
It has been two years since the day we did not get to say goodbye. I miss you and think of you and love you with every fiber of my being. I think of you today more than ever.
Cin Jun 2013
i cant
you tell me i can
but in the end
I will prevail
because I got the good working for me
and you have nothing
nothing but despise, hatred and contempt working with you
those guys are out for you, not for you.
good luck
i got this
Cin Nov 2013
I cant get you out of my mind and
I know i've been untrue
you're like the battery life on my phone
I see it going down
but I do nothing about it
instead I just use up all the juice
There you go
Cin Nov 2013
You were the fingers
that strummed my strings
the fingers that played beautiful melodies
with my aid, and my aid only
in my heart these songs would proclaim glory as as wonderous of that of an ever living God
songs of comfort and eternal love...

Now, my sweet boy, you have gone and I hope it is not far
without a word and without an explanation you have left my humble abode
Now all that is left is the memory of you and your sweet, warm love.
i miss you pedro and i will always love you
Cin Oct 2013
I am writing a poem that doesn't rhyme
to show you that I can survive
without you and your crooked smile
without you and your love that was so vile

I am writing a poem that is small
small like the idea that I am still in love with the thought of you
under 1 minute write
Cin Nov 2013
It is getting easier to be able to see the curves and crevices in my body
with my own two eyes

Not with the wandering eyes of the man on the street
Not with the teary eyes of love long gone
and not with the abusive perverse eyes that once stole my dignity

No! I am beginning to see, my vision is returning.
I can see what is before me and love it with the love that I was born with.

Thanks so much.
recovery is a long process that's for sure.
keep my in your prayers guys
please
Cin Nov 2013
Alas, no.
No it is not...
Cin Nov 2012
Pushing.
Pulling.
Falling.
Defeat.
You've lost it all before.
What's their to lose?
Cin May 2013
it was what you made me feel
your heart in mine; a deal
safety at its finest
you were my home
like lovers do, we slept in one another
our own private Rome
now I have gone, no longer yours
sang so softly and low
*"You do your thing, bby"
step at a time tbh
Cin Aug 2013
Leaving you and forgetting you was one of the hardest things I had to do and Lord knows I have passed through some of the hardest times.
I honestly loved you with what seemed like everything I had to give.
Love I couldn't even reward myself with was lavishly placed on you.
Oh, how I miss those nights we'd spend together, embraced in each others ideas and care. We'd ooze about how we felt like one entity, our love so strong and tender. Slowly, we'd drift away from the problems that plagued us both, problems that haunted our every waking minute.
Two lost, tortured, tragic souls we were. You, more out of control then me.
Silly how I thought I could contain you, settle you down into my cold heart with hopes that your faux light would shine the way through the never ending darkness I would hide from.
Ill love you forever I'd say so foolishly, knowing that I would regret every word.
I never allowed myself to use those words with anyone, to anything. That was childs play and I was never a child.
But you, you deserved every word in the universe. You deserved anything that made you feel like the beautiful creature I saw you as.
I loved you I loved you and I say loved because I would be a fool
to be in love with you
still.
if you knew me in person, you would think I was never capable of feeling or writing about this
Cin Oct 2013
I write to you in high hopes
high hopes that you are doing just fine
I write to you in long terms
long terms filled with a load of forced gleam
This goes out in hopes that you have
found love
found happiness
stopped the pain
and moved on
I write to you in high hopes
high hopes that you are doing just fine
unlike me.
quick write because I havent been writing at all lately.
I have a lot to say but no time. Havent even been able to journal lately
Cin Nov 2012
good feeling vibrating all through my bones and flesh
you know i'm big, i'm bad, you know it
shoulder shaking, head bopping, foot tapping, fingers snapping
*who's bad?
Cin Nov 2012
Never knowing exactly what to suspect, I creep into your new found light, your new found ray of warmth and cautiously, I lift my face towards it.
Basking in the ambiance, I ignore the piercing inner cries of self-defeat.
You have taken and abused so much from me.
No more.

This is mine and I plan on feeding every inch of my care, my value, my emotions into it.
The time has come to rise against and shun that which is not true.
*You never know until you find out.
Cin Nov 2013
the man with my heart
there you stand not knowing what you do to me
my stomach screaming, my insides reeling, playing hopscotch and jumping rope
your smile excites me, your goodness places me in a trance
those puppy dog eyes are begging to be played with
alas, you are far beyond me
in both age and experience
all you will ever see me as is a young lady
who knows where she is at
but nonetheless
is too young
age is but a number you say
Cin May 2013
little girl, don't be so sad

little girl, it can't be all that bad

little girl, learn to tie your shoe

little girl, come do this to me too

little girl, keep quiet
no one will love you like me

little girl, keep quiet
or else you'll be thrown into the sea

                                                            ­                    little girl, not so little anymore
little girl, her heart you tore                                                             
                                       
little girl, don't be so sad

little girl, it can't be all that bad
recovering still
Cin Nov 2012
In the darkness you don't know where you are, you don't see a thing.
In my darkness, you don't know who you are.
You feel things that make you certain that there could be nothing worse.
In my dark, all friends have two separate entities: Both untrustworthy.
In my darkness, you're nothing.
In my darkness, you drown, you suffocate, you're beaten down.
In my darkness, no one hears you, no one holds you, your soul bleeds.
A giant vulnerable wound.
It walks down a procession of darkness, head down, shrinking, shrinking as it becomes one with this darkness.
**Defeat.
2010-11
recovering stages
Cin Oct 2015
I have been living in what seems to me like the middle of nowhere
I have been studying the great masters of theology, literature, and philosophy.
I have been living in and out of people's lives and finding that in this I am still discovering more of myself.
(This is very far from the notion I previously held that I can only discover more of who I am through other people.0
But how? How? How?
I have been losing best friends. I have been losing independence. I have been losing ties with family.
Yet the world goes on and I go with it. I go with it to find what new seas are open to me and in doing so I am diving -- going into the deep -- and swimming into an endless abyss of wonder.
I am scared. Very scared. Terrified.
But I fear nothing.
my 3rd year of college as a full time student at a small catholic college in warner new hampshire
big leap from studying psychology while working as a waitress in a vietnamese restaurant in ocean side california.
Cin May 2013
Long nights full of wonder and possibility. The grass beckoning to embrace the bodies that remain tingling. Walking through the streets in search of one another, leading up to the warmth from the heart of a lover. The sky large, Nay! Infinite, invites its visitors with a wide-eyed moon. Twinkling dots of heaven shining through illuminating the way for the pair of hearts that search for something greater that won't keep them apart.

Now kept apart, this something greater is not mutual.
The love one felt has died: faded.
The love the other felt lives on in motives not yet stated.
Cin Jul 2013
my mom is getting older
pushing 55
while i'm treading a mere 18
this shows and displays
alone, alone, how i'll always be without you
the lord knows i walk alone
he tries to walk with me as i run
into nothingness
ive been sad lately
Cin May 2013
shifting from left to right
then left again
moving back and forth
then back again
smiling; laughing from within
feeling nothing but your tender skin
Cin Nov 2012
You call my name and in an instant I feel comforted.
It is you for whom my heat yearns.
Still, I brush off the yearning and feed it second hand knock-offs.
Pulling away as if there is something I fear. Protection and safety satisfy this longing at times but this too will diminish soon.
Love is not the appropriate term, for I love sounds, phrases, words and sights. But none bring me the joy and relief that you're voice alone can bring me.
Alas, what does one murmur to oneself when trying to fathom your splendor?
Love does not and will never suffice.
Perhaps one day I shall be able to grasp what it is that you do to this ever beating, yearning, muffled heart of mine.
Cin May 2013
You were saying something, weren't you?
Saying how I couldn't do it?
Well guess what?
I did.
Who's thinking about you now, baby?
I got myself.
You have your music.
*Tragic
4/27/13
I dont settle for less
Cin Jan 2013
That moment
that fleeting sheer moment of time
where you gave it back
threw it back
all that I ever had to give you
You threw it back

Like unwanted seconds
Like it didn't mean anything
Like it means nothing to you
All that I have
means nothing

Still, I sigh and wallow and sink
in all the love
I have
and want to give to you.
the way my heart sank when you said "here. take it. im done."
Cin Oct 2013
that curve in your nose
that kink in your brow
the crevices that so dent your cheeks
there you STILL are
with or where, there you are without a care
your face mocks me as i long to caress my lips near yours

your filthy mouth full of sin
that filthy mouth i long to be mine
sacred and holy
vile and filthy
I long to be one with you
even against my strongest morals
i still long to be alongside your ******* ways
Cin Dec 2013
Will school make me a better person or bitter and successful?
Have I really forgiven and have the deepest bleeding wounds begun to heal?
Will the man I sigh for hear my cry and pity me with a date?
Or will I wait around endlessly until I realize "Oh, its much too late..."
This and so much more troubles my eager mind
but Oh, I wont bother you anymore
No, I haven't got the time.
slowly feeling my stock market lines of life going from awesome were doing great
to MAYDAY MAYDAY WE ARE GOING DOWN
I hope this doesnt go down further
Cin Nov 2013
You know and I know and they know that there are those people that you have known about for the longest time
Those people who don't even exist in the back of your mind,
but you know that their existence is...
well...
in existence.
I am becoming friends with those kinds of people, people that make their nests in the deepest shadows of my subconscious.
Interesting human beings to say the least, each with their mandala-like moves and quirks that I have not yet memorized.
These are the people I am choosing to spend the moments that I have on earth with.
Interesting, don't you think?
I felt this was more of a journal write but of course.. not in my journal.
Cin Apr 2019
It's like a stupid, ******* game of Jenga or building blocks.
A proud child will spend all their time building, constructing, carefully, and tediously placing one block atop the other.
A big beautiful tower.
Glowing, the child basks in the glory and contentment of having created such a beautiful thing from such hard work.
But alas, the tower crashes and falls.
Blocks spilling everywhere and in all directions.
Complete annihilation.
The child is devastated.
It must begin from scratch.
Picking up and also having to find where the pieces may have landed.
Tears in her eyes, she recuperates and she grudgingly must begin anew.
An entire new tower from the debris.

I am the tower.
I am the child.
I must begin again.
2012-2013
This was something that I wrote very haphazardly in my art journal and that I found again recently. I must have written it in 2012 or 2013. Here I am 7 years later transcribing it on to the world wide web.
Cin Nov 2012
It's when you're in love.
With someone, something, somewhere.
You give your heart, your soul, your needs, your dreams, your memories, your time, your laughs, your eyes, your mouth, your everything.
It is accepted.
Then thrown to the floor.
Shattered.
Right there in front of you.
With full eye contact the whole time.
A smirk in place.
Laughter, even.
You are dumbfounded.
Why?
What was that?
What was that?
The trust is gone.
Your heart commences breaking.
It eats itself.
Your hands bleed.
Your hair falls.
Your mouth is shut.
Your fingers are cut off.
Your stomach is exposed.
Your thighs cut open and hollowed.
Your knees broken like eggshells.
Your feet peeled inch by inch.
Your toes yanked out recklessly.
Your toenails split in half, each one.
What are you now?
Who are you now?
Where are you now?
When will you be whole again?
You
are
destroyed
mutilated
broken
distorted
You are done.
2011
recovering stages
Cin Nov 2012
Awaiting the arrival of a new day, emotions fluctuating ceaselessly. Cross legged on my fortress, I smile and stretch as my mind is full of linguistically witty poetry of Mr. Ohara.
Perhaps tomorrow shall  be a brighter day with new promises and feelings that will bring me temporary relief.
Temporary relief seeing as nothing is ever permanent. It's the darnedest thing, isn't it?
The uncertainty of it all.
We learn to accept.
We learn to keep going on.
2011
Cin Aug 2013
who said I had to grieve
who said I had to curl up and die
who said I had to obsessively remind myself of the small curves of your roughly shaven face
who said I had to hold you like I did when you would cry, pain in every tear that brimmed on your face
who said I had to kiss you endlessly and without stopping just to make you calm and serene
who said I had to leave you behind like a mother leaves her ******* son
who said I had to settle for your unworthiness
No one said it but me
whatever
Cin May 2013
Yellow blanket cascades over the hills and crevices of my body
I lay on this God forsaken couch for what seems like hours, observing the sleeping pattern of my restless brother
What's in his head?
What demons is he silently trying, but failing, to fight off?
Anxiety; companion of the sleepless
Still, motionless, like the bodies that lay 6 feet under, I become one with my surroundings
Does your heart ache when you get around me?
Does your heart break when you think about me?
The ache and the break numb themselves in to a dull roar and slink into a dull twinkle, much like that of    the old dying stars
No, no longer do I remember the hills and crevices of your body
they have long been forgotten
lost and blurred
the only reminder of anything remotely similar
is the hugging quality
of this yellow
blanket
i yearn for you every now and then
Cin May 2013
i like to think that
i know what i am doing with myself
i am a liar
a compulsive liar

— The End —