Cin - Hello Poetry

Cin Apr 2019

It's like a stupid, ******* game of Jenga or building blocks.
A proud child will spend all their time building, constructing, carefully, and tediously placing one block atop the other.
A big beautiful tower.
Glowing, the child basks in the glory and contentment of having created such a beautiful thing from such hard work.
But alas, the tower crashes and falls.
Blocks spilling everywhere and in all directions.
Complete annihilation.
The child is devastated.
It must begin from scratch.
Picking up and also having to find where the pieces may have landed.
Tears in her eyes, she recuperates and she grudgingly must begin anew.
An entire new tower from the debris.

I am the tower.
I am the child.
I must begin again.

2012-2013
This was something that I wrote very haphazardly in my art journal and that I found again recently. I must have written it in 2012 or 2013. Here I am 7 years later transcribing it on to the world wide web.

#recovery #health #rebuilding #survivor #trauma

Cin Apr 2019

I Dream of Her

I dream of her and she is happy
She is smiling and she is running
free and without a care in the world
The sun is beaming, the water is cool and it reflects the bright sun
everything is a dream and things are the way they should be
I take care of you and no one can touch you
I am complete and you know you are loved
The dream has to end and I wake up to see your picture by my bedside
You are smiling and you are a small child
I will never forget those days we had
I wish I could be with you again

It has been two years since the day we did not get to say goodbye. I miss you and think of you and love you with every fiber of my being. I think of you today more than ever.

#loss #dreams #love #children #abuse #longing #grief

Cin Oct 2015

new hampshire

I have been living in what seems to me like the middle of nowhere
I have been studying the great masters of theology, literature, and philosophy.
I have been living in and out of people's lives and finding that in this I am still discovering more of myself.
(This is very far from the notion I previously held that I can only discover more of who I am through other people.0
But how? How? How?
I have been losing best friends. I have been losing independence. I have been losing ties with family.
Yet the world goes on and I go with it. I go with it to find what new seas are open to me and in doing so I am diving -- going into the deep -- and swimming into an endless abyss of wonder.
I am scared. Very scared. Terrified.
But I fear nothing.

my 3rd year of college as a full time student at a small catholic college in warner new hampshire
big leap from studying psychology while working as a waitress in a vietnamese restaurant in ocean side california.

#life #up #growing #school #study #update

Cin Dec 2013

Things I ask myself if you're dying to know

Will school make me a better person or bitter and successful?
Have I really forgiven and have the deepest bleeding wounds begun to heal?
Will the man I sigh for hear my cry and pity me with a date?
Or will I wait around endlessly until I realize "Oh, its much too late..."
This and so much more troubles my eager mind
but Oh, I wont bother you anymore
No, I haven't got the time.

slowly feeling my stock market lines of life going from awesome were doing great
to MAYDAY MAYDAY WE ARE GOING DOWN
I hope this doesnt go down further

Cin Nov 2013

I know Ive been untrue

I cant get you out of my mind and
I know i've been untrue
you're like the battery life on my phone
I see it going down
but I do nothing about it
instead I just use up all the juice

There you go

Cin Nov 2013

in the ****

It is getting easier to be able to see the curves and crevices in my body
with my own two eyes

Not with the wandering eyes of the man on the street
Not with the teary eyes of love long gone
and not with the abusive perverse eyes that once stole my dignity

No! I am beginning to see, my vision is returning.
I can see what is before me and love it with the love that I was born with.

Thanks so much.

recovery is a long process that's for sure.
keep my in your prayers guys
please

Cin Nov 2013

Is it Christmas yet?

Alas, no.
No it is not...