The million dollar question
I’ve always cried out
to the empty atmosphere is:


Will I ever be enough…
Enough for me?

Everything is purposeless,
Meaningless…
But that can be inverted.
I just want to grasp
some kind of way to live
where I don’t feel
like drowning in a foggy daze.

They don’t tell you
about getting better.
How it will still always hurt as badly
as the early days.
Getting better still means
falling and repeating the parts
you hate the most about yourself..:
You just get up faster or take up a new problem.

I will always battle myself.
I can grow, but the pain remains.
I guess you just learn to react in other ways.
Is that better?
The funny part…
I’m not better at all.
I’ve just learned better
ways to lie to myself.

I’m just scared.
I’m so scared that I’m probably
afraid of being happy.
How do you change to gold
when you were born blue?

The only change I feel
is my new profound
self-preservation and a little voice that wants more…
And then I take that version and force her to just watch.
Watch me break.
Watch me want better for myself after.
Watch me repeat.
Nothing is different.
Just me in a room watching while another me in a room is watching
me self sabotage.

I don’t want
to be complacent
in the familiar pain.
I gotta get out of the
middle of this ocean.

I don’t
want to live
if living
is just
working
to eat
and
pay
bills.
*******,
America.

a voidless ache,
underlying everything.
it's worse
if you have already met before.
because despite it's dullness
at times...
you are constantly reminded
of how deep it can feel.
the only emotion
to cut through the space between
the emotional and physical.
the only emotional agony
to bring me to my knees...
gripping my chest...
i wish i'd die already.
but it's slow and methodical...
i don't want to be human anymore.

I wish heartbreak
came with a manual.
But honestly,
would it even help?
I imagine it would
be contradicting and maybe
go something like this:
"You may experience
the feeling that you are walking away
from the rarest love you'll ever experience...
But don't you worry,
because even if you stay a little longer,
eventually you'll convince yourself
you don't love them anymore, just enough to finally
end it.
Give it a week.
Oh, there it is... You feel that?
THAT feeling is the numbness wearing off
and only remembering the happy parts."
Or some ******* like that.
Probably nothing that specific though...
Only enough to have the majority relate.
I imagine the narrator would sound
overly enthusiastic...Which is hilariously inappropriate ...
But, really, is it that hilarious?

I thought getting older and
having experience in dating
would result in all of this
**** becoming less confusing...
But it really just feels worse
every time for me.
At the end,
I couldn't even differentiate
the pain and anger from the source.
Did he create this suffering?
Was it my reaction that set the course?
Was this all in my head and I was just overeacting?
Or was I justified to feel this ******?
Even if I was justified, would it have even made a difference?
It really got lost in translation,
and I feel like I got lost in identifying that.
Was this a hypnotic trance from narcissism manipulating the narration or was it using my reaction as an excuse to self-sabotage?
I just want to know what really happened.
I think that's the scariest part.
Am I so broken, I convince myself it was them?
Well, ****.
What are you still reading for?
I don't have the ******* answer.

this feeling is my familiar,
it’s rooted in life.
cocooned inside of it,
i am it’s prisoner.
a paradox, a willing disbelief
that hardens and worsens the ability to breathe.
i fight and i don’t feel any difference,
i can’t see any change.
i rinse, repeat
and the only growth i seem to feel is the growth of lost hope.
but one day
the cocoon becomes so tight
and dehydrated around my body.
you can make out my silhouette.
it cracks and i see a light.
come to find
despite darkness the entire time…
nearing the end…
i have metamorphosed.
learning that sometimes you don’t know how much you’ve evolved until you have completely gone THROUGH the loneliest time of your life.
now I have a strange appreciation
for the darkness,
because i have learned more in that time-frame than any other point in life.
i am lucky to be someone who can grow in those moments…some never will.