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Chloë Fuller Feb 2016
Lagavulin and Diet Coke.
I wish I had something to smoke.

Blue eyes and crooked teeth.
My eyes light up when I'm mad.
Even more when you call me bad
girl. She's become such a loner.
And stopped being a stoner.

Isolated in a tiny home.
Still feels like she's not grown.

Broken bed.
I don't want to live but I don't want to be dead.
Chloë Fuller Feb 2016
all at once

He degraded me, badgered me, and would never me kiss him good-night

Blood.
Water.
Oil.

One of us has to rise to the top.
Unless your only fantasy is in the forest.

That forest is now a development for condos.
Chloë Fuller Feb 2016
Day 31. I promised myself I'd stop drinking, but my alcoholism has gotten worse.
Day 32. I was happy that you haven't added any women on facebook.
Day 33. My hands shook all day.
Day 34. You blocked my number.
Day 35. I lost myself in a man I didn't care about.
Day 36. I was so wasted.
Day 37. I had no choice to walk past your house.
Day 38. My cat made me think of you.
Day 39. I thought about stopping going to my neighborhood bar because I didn't want to see you anymore.
Day 40. I excessively brush my teeth.
Day 41. I fell in love with my home town.
Day 42. I depend on my sugar daddy.
Day 43. I started living in my roommate's bed.
Day 44. I still miss you so badly.
Day 45. I grabbed a Lil Kim record from my new guy's roommate.
Day 46. I put on so much make-up that I didn't recognize myself.
Day 47. I heard an inside joke we shared, and you weren't around and I cried.
Day 48. I stopped stalking your social media.
Day 49. I lost a friend.
Day 50. I think I'm going to be okay.
Chloë Fuller Feb 2016
Day 1. I was in complete denial, but I thought about dying.
Day 2. I cleaned my room and it didn't make me feel any better.
Day 3. I cried so ******* the phone with my dad. And it was his birthday.
Day 4. I knew you replaced me.
Day 5. I started thinking about other people.
Day 6. I went out by myself for the first time in my entire life.
Day 7. You asked me out, and I was terrified you were going to leave me again.
Day 8. I heard a song that made me think of you.
Day 9. I saw you at our bar, and it ruined my night.
Day 10. I went home and snuggled with my mom, and she told me that I'm not allowed to say your name anymore.
Day 11. I stayed up for over 24 hours because I didn't want to see you in my dreams.
Day 12. I spent the night with a man who makes me feel like a queen.
Day 13. I watched a black and white movie and the main character looked like you and I didn't cry.
Day 14. I didn't check your facebook.
Day 15. A man gave me $300 just to spend the night with him after we drank scotch.
Day 16. My anger has turned to nothing. I feel nothing about you.
Day 17. I saw you on the street and slowed my stride so I wouldn't cross paths with you.
Day 18. I'm okay. And you're horrible. But I wish you the best.
Day 19. I hate you. What is Valentine's Day without you?
Day 20. I miss you. But I never want to be with you again.
Day 21. Who will I watch Game of Thrones with?
Day 22. The man I've been seeing is so much better at *** than you.
Day 23. I'm so bitter that you replaced me.
Day 24. I can't listen to Alt-J anymore because it makes me cry over you.
Day 25. I wish you would've just stayed and came to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Day 26. You're welcome for buying you "Life is Strange".
Day 27. It makes me so sad that I won't be able to quote South Park with you anymore.
Day 28. I love you, but I hate you.
Day 29. I fed you popcorn when we saw Star Wars and it felt like we were back together.
Day 30. You've made me feel grief more than any family member has passed.
Chloë Fuller Feb 2016
Where did you go?
I see the sun set.
I can actually see it go down.
The world gets darker.

So many bottles of champagne surround me.
I celebrate nothing.
I lose entire days.
But men that look apocalyptic fill me up
Until I put my ***** clothes back on
And trample back to my den.
Worn, apologetic, and wishing it would all pass.

Glittered nails and crooked teeth.
I think back on my past relationship and laugh.
Who was I?
Who was he?
I can't even remember anymore.
And that's a good thing.

I just want on vacation.
A long week in Florida.
Sun.
Oranges.
Kitsch.

I've said it about every ex
I'll say it again.

We're going to be okay.
It may take time.
But one day we will talk.
We will laugh.
And we will smile.
I wish you all the best.
And I know
Deep down
You do too.
Chloë Fuller Feb 2016
i only know you from photographs now
i torture myself by still following your life
after tonight
i will not
there are so many new songs
so many new jokes
so many new places i've danced around
without you.
i am starting to love me more.
and i was told that you're jealous.
be jealous.
you pushed me away.
and i'm pushing up.
and that includes my *******.
you have no right to be mad.
so I hope you're happy.
**** my beautiful, magical *****.
you poor thing.
vengeance for an ex that killed me.
Chloë Fuller Dec 2015
the faint metallic taste in the back of my throat woke me up
i'm frightened of my own blood
my face matches her's
my eyes match his
mom
dad
i'm so afraid
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