drink, drank, drunk
hello there
what? you like Mumford and Sons
let's get out of here
wow, this is a comfy bed
wow, you're attractive
wow, that's a lot of Jack to finish up

kiss, kiss, kiss
truth is erased when mixed with alcohol
funny, isn't it

wow, let's do this!
your hands are so soft as they brush my face
and you sweep the hair behind my ears
kiss, kiss, kiss
wow, this is fantastic

Facebook Status; Relationship: .....
that's not my name
who is this girl
what
what
what

ugh.
not again.
used.
really.
****.


Good Morning :)  
what?
alright... Hey, there!

confusion
why am I always #2
side chick
really
ugh
this *****

his eyes show me that everything is alright
he wraps me up and I know in that moment
he speaks the truth
finally.

then the stories come out,
low self esteem and complicated life issues that still
are left as a mystery to me

he drinks to cure the numbness
but it only leads to more
I want to help
but can't find the words
****

new day.
he smiles and once again reminds me
everything is going to be okay
I believe him


drink, drank, drunk
wow, I am used
I am number 2
he only wants me for one thing
how could I do this to myself again
I let myself slip up again
that poor girl
the girlfriend
the girlfriend that isn't me
all these voices flood my head and repeat the obvious

no one will ever love you.
ouch.

all my self respect dissolves into my tears
I am alone.
I could make him choose?
what do I even say?
when I am with him all my problems seem minimal...
why would I leave that feeling to go to waste....
oh right, because being number two is disrespectful to myself.


decisions
decisions

Then I see his smile and I am conflicted
why me?

why me?

self respect or a cheater...
"if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you..."
my friends make this clear
the answer seems obvious
it should be easy to choose...
yet why am I having such a hard time
letting go.

I don't want a relationship
          been hurt one too many times
so if I just want hookups and ***
          why am I called a ****
because in reality
          I am just vulnerable

location and destination
undetermined and unknown

cell phone shuts down, battery dead
no one can find me now

I could get lost
hop on a train to Juneau, Alaska if I wanted

nobody would know or realize
vanished from society

the feeling of being completely disconnected
engulfs my soul

location and destination
undetermined and unknown
sounds like an adventure to me

the kind of pressure that I put on myself
the kind of pressure that comes with being a daughter of two dentists
the kind of pressure that builds up inside and creates castles of anger
the kind of pressure that tells me I'm too heavy
the kind of pressure that forms from great expectations
the kind of pressure that coaches lay upon the captains
the kind of pressure that is applied when goals are never achieved  
the kind of pressure that keeps me up at night thinking about the future
the kind of pressure that secrets ignite
the kind of pressure that the eldest sister gets for just being the first born
the kind of pressure that is invisible to anyone but me

red dress in the closet
shots, shots, shots
best friends
shots, shots, shots,
attractions
tension
shut down
shut down
shut down
boys cry?
failure
used till emotionally exhausted
kissing against the closet
life planned out on notebook paper
pressure
shots, shots, shots
tears
squats and drops and swim and swim and swim
silent screams
pack up & move
disqualification
I told you I was trying my hardest
imprisoned in my own body
25 extra lbs.
gasping
rushing
only silence when everyone sleeps
5.8% my ***
failure
failure
fat ***
business minor
screams
breathes in nothing but fear
disappointment kicks into gear
holidays come
two weeks

All this time
I have thrown around this label
My tendency to observe my surroundings
Searching for answers in every action, every move
I used to think I was a wallflower
A extroverted wallflower
who simultaneously was a social butterfly
but I am not this, I am not this at all  
I am a writer

passed out on the bathroom floor
because the drugs don't work
and the alcohol doesn't do the job anymore
the progression of consistent failure mixed with anxiety
explodes in my acid volcanic brain I was given
I drink to get away, to escape, to be happy
but those feelings don't come around anymore
the things I said I would never do
have all been done
so that's why you will find me
passed out on the bathroom floor

a departure without reason
last goodbyes never said
car door closes and I'm confounded with thoughts of regret

expectations still high as bittersweet kisses become dry  
but nothing is felt, nothing is real

messages are read, 6:02
there's nothing I can do?

unless.
this is the end
this is goodbye

the generic classical piano recital song plays
my failures sit upon each horse and my regrets are in the booth seats
the beady eyes of the horses look right through my skin
fiery red and fluorescent yellow lights spin as I looses focus of what is real
The melody picks up and now upon each horse is sits all my past relationships
spinning, up and down to the continuous flow of the musical beat  
my friend Cam is on this ride with me
his smile reminds me to breathe
he rotates around, he is no longer in sight
there is a new horse in his position
I am thrown into panic then the horses move to a slower pace
the boys disappear
all that is left is me
the last three notes come to an end gracefully  
the ride stops abruptly and I halt forward
grabbing my things as quickly as I can as I walk off in a sweat

My stretch marks on my inner thighs tingle as the chills fill my soul. Across from me is an empty chair but my greatet enemy sits beside it. She looks me down and says nothing. That's what scares me because it's what she is thinking that pierces my heart. I begin to feel unwelcome and I quiver at the thought of my body, my mind. The room begins to fill with voices and screams. They are chanting my nightmares, my failures making me feel so small... The stench if ***** fills my nostrils as I dry heave my brains out. I want to cry but I know I will not be heard. I want to scream but I can't hear myself think. The room get crowded and my eyes start to twitch. I have never felt so crowded in a room filled with no one but myself.

when I get heart burn I like to imagine it's my body reacting to my mind's mistakes
the heat is a constant reminder that I was the one who created all the sensations
It fuels my soul with the memories of you and how much I let myself go
inflammation takes over and I let it, just like I let you take advantage of me
the pain seeps throughout my chest and I still force my brain to believe that you lied
as the cramping flows deep into the pit of my stomach I'm disgusted
I purge when your name is recited but the only memories leak out
and no anti-acid is strong enough to erase you or what we did

stargazing at the cheap glow in the dark stars
from my tiny dorm room bed
while the lights were still on
and the stars weren't at all glowing
we essentially were just staring at the ceiling
looking as if something was going to happen
and at that very simple moment
I was happy

AH.

"what's your favorite whale?"
"killer whale"
he laughs, "...and you're favorite shark?"
"whale shark."
again he laughs, looks at me and says, "your favorite whale is a dolphin, and your favorite shark is a fish....impressive."
I nervously laughed too
he softly kissed me
innoncently and pure
everything was okay

An average college dorm bed creaks as I am pulled against your warm body with your hands caressing the crease my hip bones.

Our pulses are almost in sync but as usual I am a bit more nervous.

I roll over and see what I have been waiting for, perfection.

I need to call the doctors because a smile like that could cure cancer.

If the Earth could stop spinning now would be that time.

Safe and wanted, what unfamiliar feelings churn in my stomach.

Just as I begin to feel like I am going to loose my lunch. I am embraced by your arms and you look me into the eyes and say, the three words, eight letters I never expected to hear.

My nausea dissolves and I kiss those lips because I can't find any words perfect enough to match yours

That would be ideal, but it's hard to roll over and feel that perfection when we are 182 miles apart.

Five years ago, a boy held my hand in a dark cabin
I couldn't make out his face but I felt connected
260 weeks, 1826 days, 43829 hours later...
I realized he couldn't make out my face either
It happened to be a coincidence that my hand was there too
Wish I realized this five years, 260 weeks, 1826 days, 43829 hours ago...

I am the hero of this story
I can't keep up
these villains or demons
eat at my friends's flesh
and wash their memories leaving only the bad
they are all chased and come running from all angles
right towards me full force
as they waste away to nothing
I am supposed to be strong
I can't be the hero
but's my own story

It's quite fascinating, you see I always thought I just idolized him or the idea of him. He was my newest prize added to the collection. One day I realized he was different.

I admired him from across the pool, he was laughing pretending to be all macho and buff, and of course he had to make the biggest splash when he plunged into the pool to play water basketball with some younger kids.

I captured that moment and will hold on to it forever because right there I couldn't get over how lucky I was to be with him. I finally knew what you were supposed to feel.

It's almost like the time I felt completely infinite, like my time on Earth could never come to an end. Cruising down the highway, 95 or 93. A throwback came on the radio and we both just burst out singing no matter how tone deaf we sounded, it was music to my ears. The melody was completely off but that didn't matter. What mattered was that I felt like nothing in this world could have made that moment any better.

I think that's when I fell for him.

Why do I let myself for fall you
Everyday, it's a little more
Two girls. Two places. Two worlds.
I see you with her and you are this whole different human
You are happy.

Why do I let myself fall for you
You are her boyfriend
I know she exists and you know likewise

Why am I always led back into temptation
when you come crawling into my life
Why can't I slam the door in your face

Holiday pictures with you and her brother
Caption: approved my little sister's perfect boyfriend

Perfect.

Perfect.
Very funny, but I still, let myself fall for you every. single. time.

I want you to know
                             but at the same time
                                                               I don't have the heart to tell you

Can I still be saved if I don't follow church orders?
If I'm in need of prayer will your church cure me?
Am I predestined to hell because I lack faith?
Does God believe in me, if I don't belive in him?

is this real life?
                             is this...real life?
is it.
                             yes, why wouldn't it be
is this real life?
                           yeah....
is this real?
is life real right now?
like you are actually here?
in my room?
with me?
wow?
there is no way this is real?

                    laughs
                      this is real life
                   kisses me
                      was that real enough for you?

for now, yes.

You are enough.

This is the year you start to believe this.

This is the year where you start to love yourself as much as you love the beach.

No matter the circumstances and conditions you accept the beauty of it all in the same way you can accept yourself.

The waves could be ferociously crashing and the sky could be sobbing and yet you still admire it just as much as you do on a hot summer night.

No matter the emotions you feel inside, you can still accept yourself.

The sunset and sunrise are both spectacular and flood you with childlike excitement and admiration.

No matter the time of day, you can still accept yourself.

In the same way that broken shells on the beach are enough to take home to show off to Sean, you are enough.

No matter how incomplete and shattered inside, you can still accept yourself.

In the same way that the tide pulls back against the shore it leaves stretch mark like cuts into sand that admire because it’s the pull of the gravity from the moon that is able to create such cyclical art every day.

No matter what how gravity impacts your body and how cycle of the moon impacts your range of emotions, you can still accept yourself.

This will be the year you accept yourself in the same way you accept the beach no matter the time of day, weather, season, or look.

It’s always going to be a beach and you are always going to be you and both will always be enough.