You are enough.

This is the year you start to believe this.

This is the year where you start to love yourself as much as you love the beach.

No matter the circumstances and conditions you accept the beauty of it all in the same way you can accept yourself.

The waves could be ferociously crashing and the sky could be sobbing and yet you still admire it just as much as you do on a hot summer night.

No matter the emotions you feel inside, you can still accept yourself.

The sunset and sunrise are both spectacular and flood you with childlike excitement and admiration.

No matter the time of day, you can still accept yourself.

In the same way that broken shells on the beach are enough to take home to show off to Sean, you are enough.

No matter how incomplete and shattered inside, you can still accept yourself.

In the same way that the tide pulls back against the shore it leaves stretch mark like cuts into sand that admire because it’s the pull of the gravity from the moon that is able to create such cyclical art every day.

No matter what how gravity impacts your body and how cycle of the moon impacts your range of emotions, you can still accept yourself.

This will be the year you accept yourself in the same way you accept the beach no matter the time of day, weather, season, or look.

It’s always going to be a beach and you are always going to be you and both will always be enough.

AH.

It's quite fascinating, you see I always thought I just idolized him or the idea of him. He was my newest prize added to the collection. One day I realized he was different.

I admired him from across the pool, he was laughing pretending to be all macho and buff, and of course he had to make the biggest splash when he plunged into the pool to play water basketball with some younger kids.

I captured that moment and will hold on to it forever because right there I couldn't get over how lucky I was to be with him. I finally knew what you were supposed to feel.

It's almost like the time I felt completely infinite, like my time on Earth could never come to an end. Cruising down the highway, 95 or 93. A throwback came on the radio and we both just burst out singing no matter how tone deaf we sounded, it was music to my ears. The melody was completely off but that didn't matter. What mattered was that I felt like nothing in this world could have made that moment any better.

I think that's when I fell for him.

An average college dorm bed creaks as I am pulled against your warm body with your hands caressing the crease my hip bones.

Our pulses are almost in sync but as usual I am a bit more nervous.

I roll over and see what I have been waiting for, perfection.

I need to call the doctors because a smile like that could cure cancer.

If the Earth could stop spinning now would be that time.

Safe and wanted, what unfamiliar feelings churn in my stomach.

Just as I begin to feel like I am going to loose my lunch. I am embraced by your arms and you look me into the eyes and say, the three words, eight letters I never expected to hear.

My nausea dissolves and I kiss those lips because I can't find any words perfect enough to match yours

That would be ideal, but it's hard to roll over and feel that perfection when we are 182 miles apart.

drink, drank, drunk
hello there
what? you like Mumford and Sons
let's get out of here
wow, this is a comfy bed
wow, you're attractive
wow, that's a lot of Jack to finish up

kiss, kiss, kiss
truth is erased when mixed with alcohol
funny, isn't it

wow, let's do this!
your hands are so soft as they brush my face
and you sweep the hair behind my ears
kiss, kiss, kiss
wow, this is fantastic

Facebook Status; Relationship: .....
that's not my name
who is this girl
what
what
what

ugh.
not again.
used.
really.
****.


Good Morning :)  
what?
alright... Hey, there!

confusion
why am I always #2
side chick
really
ugh
this *****

his eyes show me that everything is alright
he wraps me up and I know in that moment
he speaks the truth
finally.

then the stories come out,
low self esteem and complicated life issues that still
are left as a mystery to me

he drinks to cure the numbness
but it only leads to more
I want to help
but can't find the words
****

new day.
he smiles and once again reminds me
everything is going to be okay
I believe him


drink, drank, drunk
wow, I am used
I am number 2
he only wants me for one thing
how could I do this to myself again
I let myself slip up again
that poor girl
the girlfriend
the girlfriend that isn't me
all these voices flood my head and repeat the obvious

no one will ever love you.
ouch.

all my self respect dissolves into my tears
I am alone.
I could make him choose?
what do I even say?
when I am with him all my problems seem minimal...
why would I leave that feeling to go to waste....
oh right, because being number two is disrespectful to myself.


decisions
decisions

Then I see his smile and I am conflicted
why me?

why me?

self respect or a cheater...
"if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you..."
my friends make this clear
the answer seems obvious
it should be easy to choose...
yet why am I having such a hard time
letting go.

is this real life?
                             is this...real life?
is it.
                             yes, why wouldn't it be
is this real life?
                           yeah....
is this real?
is life real right now?
like you are actually here?
in my room?
with me?
wow?
there is no way this is real?

                    laughs
                      this is real life
                   kisses me
                      was that real enough for you?

for now, yes.