I put sun cream on in the bedroom
You told me you liked the smell.
Later, sand stuck to it
When your hand was on my thigh
And your tongue in my mouth.
I tell my mother but not my friends
Because it wasn't as good
As I thought it would be
And I'm worried I did something wrong.
The next day
I avoid your gaze in the cafe
But you see me and
You pay for my ice coffee.
We go for a walk
I'm too awkward to say a thing
Our hands nearly brush, never touch.
We reach the pier
And I feel comfortable enough
To tease you about
Your Hawaiian shirt.
You're bashful, tell me it's second hand
And it smells musty, like dust
I suggest sun cream
And you smile, it's not awkward anymore.
You walk me home and
Kiss me before I go in
I thank you for the coffee
And watch as you walk
Down the path
Glowing in the evening sun.
Summer ends
And you promise to call
But never seem to find the time.
I watch your life unfold on Facebook
And we become strangers.
But I still think of you
Whenever I smell
Sun cream on my skin.

And the strength of the lion
Was matched
By the courage
Of the butterfly
Who flew from flower to flower
And left the past behind her
As a closed book.

I sat in the centre of the earth
Without a care in the world
I sat alone on the grass so green
With the sky so blue
But, in the distance, thunder rolled
The grass browned
the sky darkened
And then I saw it
A small, white daisy
So delicate, so full of hope
But then
The fool I am, and the fool I will stay
Picked it
Broke the bond
Destroyed the hope
And as the daisy slowly wilted
I looked around, opened my eyes
With the gate of hell upon my back
And saw a new daisy begin to grow
As for every hell there is a heaven
For every lock there is a key
And as my soul drifted away
I thought and dreamt of hope
Of innocence
And the daisy

I watch my window weep
Condensation
Small droplets drip
Onto the sill.
I should learn to listen
To sorrow
I cry
And always will.

I hate the burn of rejection
It cuts with a claw
That will sting
My heart wants
Only devotion
And yet
Craves  
Any small thing.

My mind calls out
For an answer
And thinks silence
Is a thing to be missed
I miss the warmth
Of a lover
And my lips still
Long to be kissed.

It's lonely here in the ocean
My boat floats
Far out to sea
I only wish
That somebody
Was home and
Calling for me.

So my window weeps
Condensation
And I cry for the lost
And the free
I face the fear
Of a world that is open
When I am caged
And oh so empty.

You said you liked
My skinny blue jeans
Which I took to mean
You really liked me,
Because I like you
Early in the morning
With your hair messed up
And it's so ****** up
Because I dreamt
I was good enough
But I'll never be good enough
For you.
And you laughed at
The love letters
Thought you could do better,
Dismiss the girls that we meet
On the glistening streets
Who fawn and paw over you-
I know how they feel
Because I feel it too.
I'm sorry if I bore you
But I really adore you
Because you were so nice to me
Once upon a time.
I like your smile
And your old blue fleece
I once felt complete
But now I struggle
To feel anything at all.
I can't pretend
That I'm more than a friend
Because reality grounds you
Shows the world in it's true hue
Like the ending of tragic tv.
Because you never liked
My skinny blue jeans
And you certainly
Definitely, in all honesty
Never liked me.

I feel like an unfinished painting
A portrait of a woman
The figure without a name.
I am always
A nearly masterpiece,
The unfinished sequel to
An artist's best work.
Critics will consider
My half shaded eyes
And sheer, lifeless hair
From too little paint strokes
Or careful pressure of a pencil
A pity.
They will declare that I
Could have been a showpiece
And won awards
Maybe they will ask
Why I was never completed
But know not to push the matter
As not to upset the artist.
Instead I am shut up in an attic
A dustsheet hiding me from view
Maybe I have become
Damaged from exposure
To sunlight and damp.
Maybe I have been forgotten
As an unfinished, abandoned project
A mark of shame
For the genius
Whose other works
Were a roaring success.

I said I'm sorry
Love
I need some time
You said
That sounds
Just like goodbye
And I couldn't
Tell you
Otherwise
So goodbye
Was all it was.

Yesterday,
You told me a story
That I had told you
The day before
But you were so excited
To share it with me
That I let it be yours
And laughed in all
The right places.

I tied some string
Around our
Little fingers
In a bow
Because it's the
Only knot I ever
Bothered to learn
And wished
That it would be
Enough
To keep you by
My side
Forever.

I want to dream
of fresh, green fields
Wildflowers, sweet and heady
Tickling the end of my nose
As I stare out at blue skies
And feel the warmth of the sun
On my face as my eyes shut.
I want to dream
Of laughter and stories
Surrounded by love and light
A face that aches from smiling
and cheeks that are tinged pink
My glass always half full.
I want to dream
I feel it as a longing
Deep inside me, rising and falling
Like waves.
I want to dream
And feel it fill me up
Complete me and fix where
I have broken and frayed.
I want to dream
And have it come true.

Why do I never
Fit
into the shapes around me
Am I missing a part
Or do the parts I have
Hold me back
Refusing to bend, break or adapt
Do I want to change?
Lose myself for a sense of belonging
A sense of false loyalty.
Do I enjoy
Being only half in
Back exposed to the cold
Isolated
And forgotten easily
Never quite right.
I am a lost puzzle piece
How have I
Wandered from my home
Where I fit
Like key into lock
And hand into hand
A perfect fit
Before I was placed
In the wrong box
By someone careles.
I dream of blue skies
Where I sit safely
In the middle
of a coffee table
Home.

You pick me up in your car
I'm already waiting outside
Shopping and lunch, you suggest
I think it's the perfect plan.

As you drive, we catch up
(I hate that we've been apart)
You tell me stories
About people I don't know
Jokes I don't understand
But try to laugh at
All the same.

Somewhere, on the way
Your car splutters
And fails to start on the hill
You're annoyed, say we'll be stuck here
I am secretly thrilled
But then worry
That you don't want to be with me
For that long.

It clearly shows on my face
As you reassure me
Put your hand on my leg
(I wish you would keep it there)
And tell me help is on its way.

Your Mum arrives
As you're calling a repairman
She calls me your girlfriend
I don't correct her
And stand close to you
When your phone call ends.

I try not to read into it
When you don't move away
(After all, we're used to being close)
But still savour the warm smile
Your Mum gives me
Before she drives away.

We window shop for hours
Slip back into our old rhythm
I reach for your hand
Instinctively
But you move yours away
Before mine has reached it
And I'm left grabbing
At the air
Trailing behind you.

We try on stupid hats
And laugh and laugh
(Is it weird that we're friends now?)
You're in a great mood
And I'm proud to be with you
As you put on a show
That passers by
Stop and smile at.
(It's awful being just your friend now)

We have lunch at a bistro
Our table is small and intimate
And our knees touch
Under the table
It makes me blush but
I love it.

You say you have something
You want to tell me
My heart leaps
And flutters.
I take a sip of milkshake
To avoid saying something
Stupid.

You look me in the eye
And tell me
That you've met someone
And she's perfect
You couldn't be happier
You have a smile
 fixed on your face.

The milkshake
Curdles with my stomach acid
My mouth is dry
I think I'm going to be sick
And excuse myself.

You don't notice
That I'm quiet for the rest
Of our lunch.
You speak enough for
The both of us
Telling me stories
That I don't want to hear.

My ears ring
Like mourning bells
And I feel dizzy.
My face is pale
Under the artificial lights
I wish I was anywhere
But here.

You drive me home
Thank me for the
Nice afternoon we had.
I go in and know
That I can never see you
Again.

As I am not your friend
And never can be
As I am not quite over you
And I'm hurting
More than I'd admit.

Why do I place
My self worth
Into others
Blindly trusting them
With my heart and my soul
My faith in others.
I live for the high
Of the value and trust
They give to me
Their priority
The feeling of being needed
Appreciated
But this isn't a gift
Instead a loan
That is cruelly ripped away
Given to someone else.
Leaving me low
As if after a sugar boost
A false sense of energy or fulfilment
Grasping and snatching
Scraping
Like an addict
Desperate for the scraps
Trapped in self loathing
Disgust
Until I can place my worth
In another disappointment.

I once knew a man
Who believed he could
Conquer the world
He burned brightly.
And then came
The end of a long day
And the man lay down
To bed
And thus remained
Conquering nothing.

Who made this existence, not you nor I
But the day the swallows began to fill the sky
We remembered the things we shouldn't have done
The revolution of our minds had begun
There were smoke clouds and bombs,  our tears ran like rain
None of us willing to go there again
Our intentions were clear, our desires not met
They tried to fight back, longed for us to forget
Our minds turned to hatred, our souls turned to why
Who made this existence, not you nor I
We are searching for the answer we will never receive
We do not cry for our lost ones, we will not grieve
The day dead bodies littered the ground
They all lay silenced, not making a sound
We have no answer, we do not know why
Who made this existence, not you nor I

And just when I
Thought the room
Was empty,
They stripped the
Floorboards and
Celings
Until the lone
Light bulb
Swung naked
From rafters
And I truly had
Nothing left.

You've been sweet talking
Me lullabies
And holding my hand
When it's dark outside.
You've been so steady
When I've stumbled
Holding me in
When I start to crumble.
You've been a reminder
Of my flaws
And why they don't matter
The way they did before.
You've been broken and twisted
Yet simple and kind
So like me where it matters
Our lives entwined.
I've loved and despised you
Had you in my brain
You've kept me close by
And pushed me away.
We've fallen and risen
Survived a spiral, a whirl
A story, so simple,
About a boy and girl.

Oh what joy it is to lay
In lush green grass
On a summers day
And oh the pleasure of a summers breeze
Curling through hair
Like branches on trees
Oh how nice to feel the sun
Warm your skin
When the day is done
And oh how calm to be outside
Free from the walls
In which you had to reside
Oh how charming to admire the view
Watch the endless blue skies
As if the world was new
And oh the laugh of a barefoot skip
And crystal clear waters
In which your toes may dip
Oh the sweetness of a birds song
The buzz of the bees
Where the creatures belong
For what joy it is to lay
In lush green grass
On a summers day
When the world is full of glee
And time is meant for you and me.

If I could start a fire
And watch the world burn
Out
Out like a light, a shutter, a spark
For I am a star, a star to burn out
Out
To float in the space, in the void
Just to sit and wonder, and leave, just to go
Out.
I think I need something, I think I need-
I think I need to get out
Out.
I'll wipe the tears and the soot from the ash
Because this fires gone, the flames have burnt out
Out.
I am the flames that are gone.
I am the star that is dust.
I am the space in the void.
I think I need to get out.
Out.

Your smile floated on a wave
Sparkling and shimmering
As if it had absorbed the sun.
It made me smile too,
Watching you shine
But, then I stopped as you
Floated further until I could
No longer see you
But still, I reached out, arms stretching
Turning, twisting away
As what reason now did I have to smile
Trying, fighting, losing
Until I dropped like a stone and sank
Into the mud
As your shine cast its beams
Elsewhere.

A blush on my cheeks
A smile spreading wide
A laugh at every word
That comes out
Of your seemingly
Perfect imperfect mouth
Childishly wondering
If you think I'm pretty,
Or if you find my mouth
Perfect too.
Hidden glances
To meet your gaze
And stare into your eyes
And forget the world
For a while.
I spend my days with
A spring in my step
A twinkle in my eye
Oh if I had the courage to try-
Poetics aside,
You make me a wreck
My stomachs flips
And churns
And my skin tingles
When our arms brush.
I'm not saying this is love
But yet instead
An intense
Admiration
Adoration
But still
Hesitation
For I am shy
And will surely wait
Until this feels right
By and by.

You looked tired today
Soft and sleepy, like a little boy
I wanted to have your head in my lap
To run my fingers through your hair
Soft against smooth
Warmth against warmth
But I felt too much like a little girl
With blushing cheeks
Shy and unsure of what I want
So I hung back, afraid
Offered you a cup of coffee
Lectured you about an early night
And stayed in the safety
Of being just a friend
Always, just your friend.

Your gaze searched
But never seemed to find
Mine in a room of so many others
As, why would eyes as real as yours
Think to look through the crowd
And down
To see a pair as hopeful as my own
That patiently wait
And wait forever
For you
When I, am nothing but
Small, insignificant, a waste.

Expectations
Are the mistakes of the hopeful
Expecting an ocean
and turning up to a puddle
Shallow and murky.
Expectations
Are the mistakes of the dreamers
Seeing a world of
Magic and comfort
But opening their eyes to
Loneliness and an old pop CD on repeat.
Expectations
Are the cause of
Trying to stop crying
At 3 in the morning
In your new dress
Mascara running down your cheeks.
Expectations
Teach you that
You will never be good enough
You learn the hard way.
Expectations
Are a burned out star
A crater, a broken heart, bloodshot eyes.
Expectations
Are time and time again
As a hopeful dreamer
Never learns.

How do I feel?
I'm feeling lonely and bitter
Twisted and unsatisfied
My eyes hurt from crying
And my head pounds
I've been pushing down
The overwhelming urge
To sob
As I have to get through the day.
But I feel fine mostly yeah
I'm ok
Just heartbroken and all that
But fine I promise.

Why do thoughts
Creep
Like a stranger on the stairs
Into your mind
And dig their way in
Like maggots
Into decay.
They leave traces
Reasons to doubt,
Worry and over think.
These thoughts
Pollute
And distort.
Your mind becomes a haze
Unclear,
Hiding
In a sea of fog.

Love blossomed like a spring flower
Small and hopeful
Like a promise of sunshine
Shielding the greys of winter.
And it shone within me
Like a candle
Flickering through the darkness
A ray of hope to grab onto
Like a safety rope.
But holding onto it was like
Hanging off a cliff edge
It burned my fingertips
As I stayed
So close to falling
And yet so close
To being saved
If only somebody
Would reach and pull me up.
But time went on
And the sun began to shine too brightly
Scorching me.
Yet, still I stayed, close to the warmth
As I was tired of the cold
And I was tired now
As it was just too easy
To shut my eyes
Lean back
And fall.

At times
I feel like
An artist
With a blunt pencil.
A writer
With a pen and no ink.
At times
I feel like
A musician
But my instruments
Have no strings.
How do I share
The thoughts inside
My mind
When my tongue is
Twisted
And my words
Are bulky
And do not flow
Like a stream
Or a river
In spring.
Perhaps, I shall create
A masterpiece
From broken tools
And call it abstract.
An abstract of the human mind.

Speak up, speak out
They say
This is your chance.
But, I have no voice.
Mind full of thoughts
But no voice
In which to share them.
Around me
People are shouting
Screaming and banging their fists
But I am unable to share
a word or whisper
That will be heard.
Around me, the world is
changing
Evolving, growing and shrinking
My mind is filled with dreams and possibilities
But even in a land of free speech,
And empowerment
I have no voice.
So I keep quiet
As my mind screams
And nothing is done.

What I hate most about being grown
Is in your life, you're all alone
When you're sad, and down and blue
There is no one there to comfort you
And when the world seems big and wild
You have to face it, you're not a child
No ducking behind the covers, scared
You're an adult. Why aren't you prepared?
When bad dreams strike in the dead of night
Who is there to ease your fright?
Is there a manual that I've mislaid
Because all I am is a little afraid
This adult life is not for me
I've had it with responsibility
I think I'll build a blanket fort
Stay hidden inside, never caught short
Come fetch me later, when I'm ready
to live adult life without my teddy.

Mankind
The kind who love
We're kind
It's in the name
But, we're choosy
Picky
We've earned it after all
The smartest species
Who can outsmart themselves
For who needs to love
Or be kind
When hatred
Is stronger
Our poison
Fuelling us
Polluting us
Misting our eyes
How is it
That mankind
The smartest species
Could be so cruel?
Maybe we're not the
Smartest species
After all.

Words are like
Spilled ink on a page
They mean nothing
But stain everything they touch.
These words
Burn and can heal
Destroy and bring together.
I have known them to
Create an empire
But then send it crashing down
A ghostly reminder
That the pen is mightier than the sword.
These words
Are sharp and cutting
They have to be
In order to catch and claw
The attention that they want.
In the wrong hands
These words
Can obliterate
But can also be useless
And ruin reputation.
These words are
A weapon, a living
A way to live
They are older
And wiser than you
Or me.
Let them sit for a while
Get a good look
For these words
Will come and go
With the springtime.

Today, the outside air smelt of summer.
It hit me with the same ferocity
As a strangers too strong perfume
But with the same familiarity
Of that of your mother's.
But how did a season have a smell
It was not the smell of
Freshly cut grass
Or flowers
Or even fruity drinks
The marketed, scents of the season
But instead raw, wonderful summer.
Were my senses altered?
Did I confuse the warmth of sun on my face
Or the blue of the sky
As a scent?
Then surely the harsh, chilling winds
Should have carried the scent
Of Autumn or Winter
And mangled into a sensory explosion.
No, the air smelt of summer
And huddled in my coat and scarf
Feet crunching on leftover snow
I longed for summer and her lazy warmth
So I breathed in deeply
And then hurried on in
As not to shatter my
Thoughts of summer
A perfectly good daydream.

We're one step closer
To paradise
My darling
But one step back
And you'll fall
Don't trust the strangers
My darling
We're not one step closer
At all.

When I was small
You seemed to be a character
Straight from the pages
Of the storybooks
You would read to me at bedtime.
An unappreciated genius
Tall and strong enough
To make me fly like an aeroplane.

When you came in from work tired
I would tiptoe past the sleeping giant
And you would pull me in for a hug
Warm and safe.
When it was my turn to be tired
I would ride on your shoulders
Pretend I was as tall as you
And let you join in my adventures
Through fairytale lands.

You were the patient one,
As I struggled over the maths problems
My dreamer brain
Could never seem to understand
But was another thing you
Were good at.
You would amaze at my
Appetite for books
And encourage me
To keep my head in the clouds.
Now I see that we are more alike
Than I would have ever forseen
Despite the differences
I used to think were mountainous.

I think of you with every song I play
And know you're thinking of me
As you do the same.
Although I've grown too much
To still ride on your shoulders
You've remained a part of my adventures
As we instead walk side by side.
Even now, I still see you
As an unappreciated genius
And my safety net
The strong, sleeping giant
With the gentlest heart I know.

To me, my eyes are windows
My soul exposed
Showing to the world
My every joy or suffering.
What I never realise
Is how the windows are blocked
Curtains drawn
Blacked out from the inside
With cardboard and tape
A weak defence
Subconsciously put up
A weak defence to hide behind.
My tears are blocked in
Slowed to an escaping trickle
Burning and stinging
As it prevents the waterfall.
Can't you see
How I feel?
I'm drowning here
Look through the gaps
Through the window
A broken soul remains.

I am surrounded
Completely and fully
With love
It drenches my hair
Dripping silky and smooth
Down my spine
And leaves my skin
Damp to the touch
Like a fine mist
A haze
That I breathe in,
A perfume that
Makes me see straight
And keeps my breathing
Steady and even
Lets my heart keep beating.
Love whispers to me
While I sleep
Keeps the bad thoughts away
And settles me
Glowing in the corner
Of my room
Keeping away the dark
And surrounding
Me in light
So I am weightless.

A soul burns brightly,
In a dark room of blind eyes,
Shining solitary and alone.
And, when the flame
Wavers,
Falters, and nearly dies,
Somewhere, in the depths,
A soul flickers back.

A last breath exhales slowly
Dancing away on a lost promise
Over forests of almosts
And oceans of tears, lost
Until, it slows, and floats
Remaining next to the one
It once called home
And remains in its eternal slumber
Resting gently and peacefully
Until the other, too, takes its
Last exhale
And the two are United
Somewhere.

Your gift to me
Was a wilted flower
In spring
When the new buds were growing
Stronger and more beautiful
Every day.
Your gift to me
Was salty tears
Hot and fast
Falling down my cheeks
Like an avalanche.
For you, I learnt
How to appear nonchalant
When my heart was breaking,
My brave face cracking
Like plaster on a wall.
You gifted yourself regret
Learning that green grass
Surely wilts and browns in winter
But sand and sea remain
A constant in the ever changing.
I will turn my tears
Into salt water
Powerful waves
That will carry and support me.
I will not drown you, my love
But I will no longer be your life raft
As you are only a boy
Not a puppet master.

My childhood sits
At the opposite end of a room
Alongside a worn, comfy chair
Clear in my line of sight
Until someone stands
And obscures my view
And I wait for them to move again.
It's a room that I never seem to leave
But at times it seems
So distant
And unfamiliar
As if facing a stranger.

The room is full
And the air around
Smells like something I know well
Salty sea air, dog fur
Coco chanel
And wet paint.
It's a mix of tangy
And sweet.
A cocktail or a witches potion.

I face straight on,
But
From the corner of my eye
I can see
Yellow and blue swings
Soaring straight to the sky
And back again into
Warm loving arms
That patch me up
As I fall time and time again
But remain fearless.
If I whirl around I feel that I can
Face it
But it blurrs and blinds my eyes
So I turn away
Remain detached.

At times I feel like
I have been cruelly snatched
From my place here
But deep down I knew
I was beginning to outgrow it
Even though it seemed to
Fit so well.
My new skin sometimes feels rough
And flimsy
Stretched and put back together
Nothing like days of sunshine
and our own world at the beach.

I'm still living in the daze of a disney dream,
Still afraid of the dark
Eagerly awaiting my prince charming
Hiding in my imagination
Pretending to be myself
As if I'm content in adulthood.
I know behind my shoulder
Childhood stands
Waves and beckons
Begging me to join them
In play and fun.
I force myself to walk on
Knowing that if I turned around
It would disappear
Fly away like dust in a breeze.
Because my childhood has left
And only a room
Of disorganised
Well loved
Memories
Remain.

My too sweet jam on toast
And my too bitter coffee
Should have made for
A perfect morning.
But I am in mourning
So it all turned to dust
In my mouth.

Jealousy is like
A swarm of insects,
Within your bones and veins
With small feet- like knives
That cut and cut and scar
Leaving your pride stung
And your sense of self subsided.
Jealousy is like
Tar, thick and sticky
Leaving the words you want to say
Caught in your throat
The difficult words
Blocking your airways
Leaving you gasping for breath.
Jealousy has become
Another ***** to me.
It burns my chest, swirls my stomach
Flashes behind my eyes
Emerald green, a vial of poison.
I feel it as part of me
Just as much a part
As the parts of me
It made me loathe.
I live with jealousy
I am jealousy
The tumour, the parasite, the ****.
Who am I to fight it
When it has become so at home
For it is I who fuels it
And lives with it alone.

In my mind
There is a place
Where green grass grows
And sunbeams filter
Softness
A sweet glow of gold.
This place
is unlike any other
The leaves on the ground
And the fallen branches
Whisper to me
A gentle reassurance
That any path here is safe.
The sky is forever blue
Not a mass of brightness
Radiating like an LED sign
Instead a water colour painting
Of pale hues
A silky blue
Dotted with wispy white clouds.
Here I could sleep forever
And wake to
Petals
Pink and light
Falling on my face
Like the flurries of
First snow in winter.
Here they speak of heroes
Mighty rulers
Kings and Queens
Their Princes behind them.
But what need is there
For a brave hero
When no villain lurks
Around the corner.
And what do powerful Kings
Rule over
In a world of freedom?
This place is a moment
Not a continuing existence
But a glimmer
A possibility
Of what could be.
But
Stranger
Don't think too hard
Lay back
Bathe your skin
In warmth and light
And tell yourself
For now at least
You are content.

I gave up writing poems
I didn't see the point
As words do nothing
To stop and start feelings
In my head.
I feel like the slowest
Rollercoaster in a dead city
And yet never see the lows
Coming and mourn them
On the way.
I'm sick of feeling
Lonely surrounded by people
And feeling like I'm missing
Out on living no matter what I do.
I could have loved you
I could have seen and done
And touched and cried.
But foresight was foggy
And hindsight was clear
And I don't even know what
Is dear to me anymore.
So maybe I like the reflection
Of words like a mirror
I can't look away from,
Maybe words are my ugly
11pm truth.
Maybe these words are for you.

I am many miles away
I have left home
Flown the nest
Towards the sea.
I am now
Past the age of dependency
And yet I have
Never needed you more
And as usual
You are there
My eternal source of love
And reassurance.

I have grown past the age
Of needing to be rocked to sleep
But I know you stay up
Waiting for me to come home
And let you know I'm OK.
I am not the child
That needs to sit on your knee
And have my hair stroked
But I know the spot is always free
When I'm sad and need you.

You will always be my source of wisdom
You tell me how to cook as you do
Warn me who cannot be trusted
As you showed me how to read
When I was small
And as I can always trust you.
Now I teach you
How to use your phone
So we can send silly photos
And make me feel at home wherever I go.

To my mother
Who I miss everyday
But know is just a phone call away.

The world is new
Stained with swirls
Of sky blue and pink
and lit up
By thousands of
Glowing stars.
I am its spectator
Eternal and unafraid
Reassured
As it is familiar to me
Like a daydream
And it welcomes me
Like an old friend
Holding my hand
In the darkness.
Arriving as quickly
As a thought
And dissipating as quickly
As a thought forgotten.

I feel numb
A twisted kind of invincible
Where nothing can hurt me.
I'm walking through
A battle ground
And I'm shot down
Again and again
But I feel nothing
But an itch
Like the absence of a limb.
I feel numb,
Floating on smog
Thick and dark and choking
It's burning my lungs
Staining my clothes
I am a doll
Move me however you like
I will not feel a thing
For I am merely numb.

It was worse
To say nothing
But now we have
Reached nothing
And the candle
Has gone out.

Why amongst the peace
And simplistic
Normality
Do I feel dread
Burning up inside
Acidic and sour
Upon my tongue.
What is this hollow
Emptiness
That cannot be filled
with birthday cake
Laughter
And smiles
A hollowness that echoes
And drums
Beating in my ear
Until I feel dizzy and sick.
The thud of it
Rushes like
Footsteps
Stomping
And Stomping
An endless cycle
That can be drowned out
But never stopped
For it rings in my head for days
And pounces when
I am vulnerable.
Sometimes I wish
It would stop
But sometimes
I let it wash over me
Like a cycle of waves
Over my head
Over it all
Until it ends
And I rise
A survivor of the wreckage