I hope you see me in your dreams
and I hope it ******* haunts you.

cause every night you know I lay awake,
don't you?
and every night I need an escape.
it's true.
and every night it's hard to take.
but
it's just another pill to swallow.
and I
wake up next to empty bottles.
i miss you.
i don't ever know if I'll ever see tomorrow

so I

take one for the team
and I
lay awake and watch you dream
cause girl I love you laying next to me.
push the hair out your face;
I'll never get tired of your make up on my pillowcase.
me & you together
it's a forever thing

Mine are always caterpillars, until you touch me.
Then they grow wings and fly all around my tummy until I can't take it and I have to kiss you.
I have to digest them. But I can't.
So instead, I have to touch you. In some way. Whether it's my fingers on your hair, or a tight hug.
I somehow have to give you my butterflies, before they digest and I have to lay you out on the floor.

But I left before I could hurt you.

Here I lay.
The moment after the break.
My heart tied in knots,
Much worse than my headphones.

Razor in my hand.
Tears rushing down my face.
My thoughts caught in chaos,
Worse than any storm.

Here I lay.
Still alive.
Still breathing.
But *why?

I rushed in my room, collapsed on my bed, and buried my face in my pillow. I screamed. An Inhumane scream. One that echoed in my heart. It hurt. I rolled over, silent tears falling down my face. Then it all came at once. Too many emotions to explain. It felt like there was a rain cloud over my bed, and nothing was ever going to get better.
I'd completely forgotten the razor I hid in my phone case. It had been there so long. It's always with me.
I remembered. Yanked the case off my phone and grabbed it. I stared at it for a little while, tracing the edges.
It kissed my skin. ****, what a lovely release. I thought of her.. Her face came into view, and my thigh was soon a disaster. I leaned over it, crying. Screaming her name into my room. She couldn't hear, why bother? I flung it across the room and pounded my fist against the wood paneled wall. Once, twice, three.. I leaned my head on the wall looking at the ground. I pounded my fist on the wall once more, and crumpled to the ground like a falling autumn leaf. I leaned back against the wall. Buried my head into my knees, and cried even harder.
I needed desperately to clean my mess. So I gathered everything together, and fixed my thigh, maybe I'll get lucky and no one would sit on it this time.
I put in my headphones. Turned the music as loud as it would go, and laid in bed, looking at the ceiling, but only seeing her face..

My scars are fading
and it's scaring me
because it was the
only thing that
reminded me that
you were real..*

                                      
                                             *Once upon a
                                        time you used to
                                      love me, but who
                                               could love a
                                                    monster?

She was tangled in my sheets,

But you were on my mind.

She was there because you couldn't be.

I said your name instead of hers--and she left,

And I didn't mind.

Holy ****,

I think I love you and that scares the **** out of me.

& Baby, now you're going to hate me for doing this to your tender heart.

I can't do this anymore and I'm falling apart.

We aren't dating, but you're all that I've got..

*and I can't even have you.

You're tearing me apart
Do you love me
Do you love me not?
Picking at the petals of my heart,
And you're sitting in the garden
wondering why I'm starting to rot.

No. **** that. I did.
I ******* gave you the world,

And you were too busy looking at the stars to notice.

I was driving down the highway in the rain,
when it hit me.

I had pandora blaring through the car,
And I found myself thinking about you.

And I thought, why the **** won't you stay out of my head?

Then it hit me that perhaps I missed you.

And perhaps I do.
But holy **** do I wish I could say I didn't.

Because you don't miss me--

Not a **** bit.

Who needs a Valentine when I have *****?

Let me have another night with you.
I don't even want to have ***,
I just want to wake up next to you.
I want to hear your sleepy voice.
I want to tell you you're beautiful,
Every. Single. Morning.

I wanna binge watch Netflix shows,
And lay in bed with you all day.
I want to give you forehead kisses,
And see-you-later hugs (because I know you hate saying goodbye).
I want to wake up with you in my arms,
And let you fall back asleep in them at the end of the day.
I want to hear your sleepy voice tell me you like me,
That you really really like me.

I want you to mean it.
I want you to say you're falling too.
I want you to understand how scared I am.
I want you to know it feels so right.
I want you to kiss me again and leave me breathless.
I want you to miss me too.
I want you to want me.
I want you.
*Only you.

I had a dream that you finally texted me, and I was so excited.
Until I read it.

It said: I'm in love with someone else.

And I woke up sweating.
My chest ached,
and I felt my heart break all over again.

I screamed your name into the rain,
and the drops echoed inside me.
Laying in the middle of the road,
Waiting for a sign--for any ******* thing.
But it didn't come, and nothing could numb the pain.

I could've wrote a book on how I felt for you,
And I flinch every **** time I hear your ******* name.
Oh but babygirl,
I found ways to numb the pain.

I never found you in any of those ***** bottles,
And I didn't find you swimming in Smirnoff (even though that was always your favorite),
You weren't at the end of the blunt, so I passed it only to search for you at the end of a different one.

You weren't in my pain pills,
And you weren't in my puke the next morning.
You weren't even there when my blood ran crimson across my arms.
I tried to cut you out of me,
I tried to burn you away.

You said you'd always be here,
But you never ******* stayed.

She bought me roses and I named each flower.
She always smiled whenever I would look at her.
She touched me with cold hands, but made my heart warm.
She held me when I cried, and said her love for me would never die.

She didn't make promises she knew she couldn't keep.
She held my face when she kissed me, as if she couldn't get enough of me.
She drew on my back and kissed every freckle.
She didn't always know what to say, and that was okay.


She loved me unconditionally--and this I always knew, she reminded me of everything, you never seemed to do.

She swears up and down, her love for me is true, and that is something you could never do.

I love you.
      I love you.
           I love you.
                I love you.
                     I love you.
                I love you.
          I love you.
     I love you.
I love you.

**I really, really ******* love you.

You've Got Me

F
  A
     L
        L
           I
             N
                G

Like A Leaf.

It's 11:11,

You wished to be happy,

But I wished to be good enough;

& that's the difference between us.

You are the flame on the end of my cigarette.

You get closer to me when you're about to burn out,
and you need someone to hold you before you fall apart.

You give me that buzz, that authors try to captivate,
but can never find the words.

I once heard a saying that sad people smoke a lot.
All I could do was taste your name on my lips.

Then I knew I needed a smoke break,
because you're the flame on the end of my cigarette.

You love me.
I know this for sure.

You took all my broken pieces, and fixed what I had.
You make me realize that love wasn't so bad.

You constantly remind me that you love me,
every. single. night.

You know that nights are bad,
And you know that you are all that I have.

When I think of the future,
I no longer remember the past.

Even though night after night,
It could be our last;

Thinking of you makes me realize--
Love isn't so bad.

How do you sleep at night knowing you're the reason behind scars on someone's body?

Last year we were talking like lovers,
       Now we don't even talk.

I'm tired of waiting by my phone for a text.
It's been almost two weeks.
You never replied and left me dying on the inside.
And now what?

*Do I wait for a love that cannot be full for another two years?
Or
Do I leave the best love I've ever had?

You Broke
Everything
I Was ,






                                            Why Do
                                             I Still
                                             Want You?

I remember when
we couldn't keep
our hands off of
each other,*

                                   *And now we don't
                                          even make eye
                                                      contact.

She's got this hope for me in her eyes.

What if you're right?

What if I can't love?

What if I only needed you when I'm lonely?

What if I don't love her?

What if I'm just "lonely" again?

Then what the **** do I do?

Here's to crying in the shower pretending you're okay.
Here's to holding it all together when you wanna throw it all away.
Here's to wasting nights thinking till 4am instead of going out with that girl.
Here's to breaking even though you know you shouldn't.
Here's to living when you want to die.
--
That day felt like your funeral.
That day felt like a poet trying to capture the perfect sunset when they couldn't fathom the right words.
That day felt like a teenager driving alone for the first time in Atlanta.
That day felt like your first heartbreak over and over.
That day felt like hell.
--
And I had to hold my breath when we drove by your road.
I had to smile when she said your name.
I had to laugh when I wanted so badly to cry.
I had to close my eyes and breathe when I wanted so badly to end it.
I had to move on when I wanted so badly to stay..
I had to, because if I didn't, neither would you..

Most days I can go without thinking about you,

*But other days you hit me like a wrecking ball,
and I'm on the floor --
All I can feel is my heart break all over again.

One day I will have drank enough ***** to fill the hole you left in my heart when you walked away.

It
Really
*******
Hurt
And
You
Don't
Seem
To
Notice.

my
only
  wish
   for
    you
     is
      that
        you
          get
            exactly
              what
                you
                  deserve

You know what I hate?
When you listen to a song and you completely relate.

How you play it over and over,
When you're going through a heartbreak.

& you expect it to help,
But you're slowly losing yourself.

(c.r.)

Here I am,
A whole week has passed,
And I'm laying in bed crying,
Because I finally realized that I could never call you mine again.

And oh my it hurts--
It really ******* hurts.

we’ve been dating a year and a half.

she said she wanted a break.

it’s ******* breaking me.

Just a few days clean.
Yet I still carry a razor
in the back of my phone case.

*Does it make me feel safe?
Does it make me feel free?
Or have I let a piece of metal,
Become a part of me?

1) I was no good for you.
I was like water in your lungs and I didn't want you to drown because of me.
2) We weren't ready.
You were in the summer months blossoming and I've been lost in the winter for a long time now.
3) You deserved better.
I was a dandelion and you were a rose.
4) I realized I loved you.
And that scared me because I knew you'd never love me back.

Blood is red,
My knuckles are blue,
I thought you were different..
I'm such a fool.

******* for making me feel like this.