I never understood the way my dad would stand up sometimes and just stand there for a quiet 10 seconds

I didn't know if he was trying to figure out what he was going to do
or if he just liked standing there
or that he had one of those moments where you feel like you might pass out and you can see all the stars right in front of your eyes

I was only six at that time
I am now older
and more grown up than my dad will ever be



My mother is yelling


My father is quiet


And I understand

He's trying to figure out how to fix
the mess he has gotten himself in
But thinking does not go well
when your blood
is turning into alcohol

I hate him
I hate him with all of my heart but my heart is still under those sheets where we kissed for the first time
I left a tiny bit of my heart on the keys of your piano
and a bit on your nightstand where my bracelet has laid from wednesday evening till monday morning
a little bit at the corner of your eye and in your neck
Everytime we kissed you inhaled pieces of my heart

you         sick

         sick

*******





i miss you

You shouldn't have made me fall in love with you
I have morphed you into words

You are the explanation for why 'lies' rhymes with eyes
because all i can see now
are not only lies in your eyes,
but in your mouth
and your heart
even at the tips of your fingers

Like your nose,
somehow I made that look like soon
Because even your nose warned me about
how soon you would break my heart
and leave me


Like your ear,
I made that look like hear,
because you heard what I said, but you never could quite listen

Like your shoulder,
should-er
hold-er
You should have hold me

Like your tongue,
Not only did it so much damage,
You left me tongue-tied

Like your heart,
I made that look like hurt.
because that is what I am.
I am hurt and broken.

You gave me life
As i tried to give you as much as love
as i still have in me
You know times have been rough for me
And i know times have been
even more rough for you
But my sweat life-giver,
i could never thank you enough for
watering the flowers growing inside of me
when they needed it the most
I know you need that more than i do at times,
but please forgive me for i can't be like you
i sometimes forget that you are only human,
but you are so much more to me
You created me,
you created life,
you made me into the person i am today
I will never give up if you promise me that you won't either
I gently weep at the thought of living without you someday
I don't know what i would become if i lost you
I could not thank you enough,
my dearest mom

Well, he's got this thing in his eyes
that makes me question love
It's a curse that has haunt me ever since
The brown that lit up in the light,
it learned me that everything has depth
Unlike my father, even if the brightest light that has ever been shone
just bathed his eyes in light
Not even then
there would be shown the slightest bit of depth
Maybe that's why I liked him so much
because he was so unlikely to become like my dad
I mean
My dad was a good man
Was
It's all the pain that changed him
I just really hope he doesn't get hurt and does not change the slightest bit
Don't let anyone take away his depth

I'm sorry, what was your question again?

I feel poisoned
I always thought it was because of you
but it's because i drank to much alcohol
and because of all the cigarettes i smoked
to forget you and to clean my body

and i saw that picture of you with your hair done so well and your face so stunning
and your new girlfriend can shut  up
we had something special and what we have is special
its a love that wont be returned

how come you never thought of me when you left me?

I just really miss you

i cant convert time into feelings or words
its too late and i cant turn it back

happy one full year of pain and misunderstandings
and depression en emptiness and even more pain

im not okay
i have tried to be okay
i was more than okay for a while
but its still here and i cant go on anymore
and im crying even though i dont want to
i miss you even though i dont want to
i ******* love you even though i dont ******* want to

why cant life work out for me once please,
i beg you
help me survive,
i told so many people i could do it on my own
but i cant
i ******* cant
im sorry i lied to all of you

i am so so sorry