I could lie and say I like it rough
Then you would never know how much you hurt me
You wouldn’t know the words that have escaped my body
Or the skin that has broken
Or the life that has slipped through
Or the bad *** I’ve had because of you
You don’t know the restless nights I’ve tossed and turned like a fish out of ******* water
The things I’ve done to my body because of the things you did to my body
The things I’ve said to that shiny thing in the bathroom
I’m not angry
I’m not ashamed, either
It’s just that I’m going to be loud forever, now, okay?

yes, i am literate
sometimes i make grammatical sacrifices to more accurately portray my rambling
Because it doesn’t stop, sometimes
sometimes i think in lowercase and run-on sentences with improper punctuation but i just can’t stop it
just don’t think that i don’t know

even the art of my art is art

my mind is a house of colors
the walls are splattered in paint
i’ve hung up diamond chandeliers
translucent—glimmering in the moonlight
splattering rainbows across the walls
maybe the paint is a figment of my imagination.

my mind is a killer whale
treading the dark foaming waters of the ocean
the great whites mock me
the great whites are listening.
i hide in the sea kelp of the great blue deep
the midnight shadows of the witching hour
caress my fins like wet rolling tapestries
endless movement
endless running waves
racing like my own heartbeat
thumping like the longest drum line

my mind is a hollow cave
humid, wet, dripping water from limestone formations
strange echoes from within its depths
i can never understand the muffled whispers
but though they petrify others
they soothe me.
i have turned to salt rock
from all the untrue words my tongue has spoken
bitter, like salt on a lime
but delicious

my mind is a dusty attic
rustic and beautiful to the creative eye
it has become an art room
with a canvas stand in the corner
and paint splattered across the dark wooden floorboards
misshapen ceilings
beautiful arcs and painted glass windows
a pretty little white picket fencing
the mailman is sleepwalking

my mind is a dream
but i’m all too awake
and i’m unsure
as to whether or not
i’m living a nightmare

My mind changes faster than the seasons
I snow in the summer and burn in the winter
Oh, I'm sure there's rhyme and reason,
I just don't know it yet
I like change until it is no longer new
I crave the fall in the spring and the spring in the fall
I don't want to be here,
I make plans to leave,
Suddenly, being here is all I have ever wanted
What is wrong with me?
Will I ever find my footing
Or am I destined to fall for eternity?

This is a peaceful darkness
The waters I'm treading don't feel wet
I don't feel soaked
But I feel the ripples on my skin
I'm drenched in questions and surrounded by answers
Even my mind's eye is overwhelmed
Though it knows things that I don't

But it sure is pretty down (up?) here

i have so many stories to tell
stories in my head that i have never lived
like how the waves slap against the dark, cold rocks of the shore
as i sit, salt-soaked hair,
listening to the whispers of the wind
or how the hollow caves echo
bouncing their secrets against the walls of my mind
or how the revving engine drowns out my singing
or dancing into a gas station convenience store
buying souvenir shot glasses from the vacant cities that have stolen my heart
or sitting in Prescott at 11 pm, a thick blanket of night engulfing me,
nothing but shimmering stars and the Milky Way taking my soul to transcendence and enlightening

i have the stories of your dreams
but you will probably never read them
and if you do
will you understand?

i’m a crashing wave.

that rush you feel? that’s the push-pull
of the life energy i carry
the shores are one night stands, and
the ocean floor is my love
i touch each as i move
as i come and go
giving pieces of my heart away in the dark night
i thought i was a prisoner,
and then i thought i wasn’t.
i was right the first time, you see
but my prison is this earth
i haven’t explored it all
once i have formally met every square meter,
shared my soul and have nothing left,
once it has taken all i have,
i will have served out my sentence
and i will be free.

when i am left with nothing,
i have room for everything.

when i have no more oxygen,
i have room for the universe.

wanna know a secret?
i didn't want those tattoos anyway.
i only wanted you to be the sun
so i could be the moon
and without you,
i would still be the moon
because i have always been a wild heart
while your identity was wavering
in the shadows of the new trends
baby, you're a dimepiece
but i was the rarest gem
like you told me i was
but you never truly believed it
did you?

That's okay,
I didn't need you to.

his soft caramel eyes that turned hazel after i tainted them with my green ones.
his smooth, wavy, chocolate hair.
skin, italian-grade, like leather,
but so unlike leather—smooth with youth.

crêpes and croissants
chocolate covered strawberries
champagne in chipped glass
dipped in gold
marinating my love for him
marinating my seduction
i am a sugarcoated anomaly

diamond-crested gummy bears
caramel cappuccinos
gas stations at three A.M.
swimming naked in lakes
soft waters, slippery bodies

the kind of memories i would like to have.

in case you didn’t know,
your skin is soft.
it’s soft under my fingertips
when i graze them along your arm
it’s warm when you’re asleep
then i know your dreams are good.
it’s cold when you’re anxious,
when the night takes you to the places
you don’t want to be.
it’s clammy when you’re in the bad memories
it’s rough when your day has worn you down.
i’ve memorized your body
i know where you twist and turn.

in case you didn’t know,
your eyes are hazel.
you are, after all, the earth
green vines bending into the soil
golden rays of sunshine
kissing the coarse dirt
you’re a world to me.
you’re an adventure
the greatest of my life.

in case you didn’t know,
your eyelashes are dark
they kiss your tears and wish them well
as they send them down your soft cheeks
they flutter about when you’re happy
and they dance about,
so melancholically,
whenever your heart is in pain.

in case you didn’t know,
i love everything about you.
i could say so much more,
and i promise i will
for the rest of my life.

i’ve stuffed myself so full with vile self-hatred
i can’t hear the love.
it’s overpowering
screaming into my ear
like a bulldozer in a rainforest.

i don’t care much for attention
never was one for boisterous acts afront large audiences
i keep to myself
like a lily in the water
drifting ever-so carefully
but then again
why am i writing this?

Hello Jamie, it’s Claire
My Frank is in the driver’s seat next to me on the I-17
Trying to meet my efforts to take care of all the burdens I’ve packed in my knapsack
Wearing the corset meant for me
But I bear the sword at my side
Is it a sin to miss you?
Is it a sin to want to reach out,
Get into your good graces again?
He calls my emotions
“Deep acid oceans”
The ones you were never afraid to swim in
The waves look deadly, but the water’s warm
It takes a brave laird to dive in
I know you still think of me. I know it
I have to believe it to get through the day, sometimes
But if you meant anything to me, anything at all,
Why did I say goodbye?
But if you meant nothing to me, nothing at all,
Why are you still on my mind?

I love the soul in you.

The crinkle-eyed laughter that glistens in the beating sunlight as you glance at me.
You sweet existence, I love your smile.
Smeared in innocence with a tinge of playful guilt
I become nothing more than human in moments like these.
There is no time—no past, no future, no expectations, and no responsibilities—
Just you and I, stuck in a time loop, replaying these moments over and over and over until
The clip is reduced to a 2 second repeat of that laugh.
The waves of your chocolate brown hair messily swept over your eyes and into your Ray Bans
You laugh at everything and nothing
You laugh at me and I laugh right back
You laugh at life and all of its misery.

My palms, my fingertips, my lips
They all have happily grazed your skin
I love the soul in you, but this body is marvelous
You taste like serotonin and a summer breeze
You smell like pine bark after a rain
And your eyes have the nature of the moon
A comfort in the night
Your voice transports me to worlds away
Where none of this exists
Where nothing exists
Just you and I
And an afterlife

Your breathing chest rising and falling as you sleep
The most beautiful song that only the most accredited composer could master
It would take a thousand worlds to recreate how alive your soul makes mine feel
It would take a thousand suns to recreate the light in that laughter
You are truly a beautiful creation
And I know it’s cliche
But you truly don’t know how much I love you
Because if you did
You would love yourself at least half as much
And half as much would be enough to keep you here without question
Question of whether you belong
Question of whether you are remembered
Question of whether you are loved.
You are the most transcendent art form I have ever seen
Glorious and powerful
Like the glorious and powerful hands of the one who shaped you
You were a seamless jar of clay
But now
The sun shines through your cracks
And you are gleaming, now

And I pray over the moment we realize we’ve survived this transient life
And I pray over the moment we approach the gates
And I pray over the moment we look up at the branches we’ve grown in disbelief
And I pray over the moment we realize our work is done.

I pray over this moment, your back to my chest and my hand to your beating heart,
I pray that the good Lord has mercy on our love
I pray that I can be everything that you have ever wanted
Because you, you precious, beautiful spirit, deserve nothing less

i dream of lighthouses,
endless lobster, and endless laughter.

i dream of coffee shops with kind baristas
and espresso
that sends surges of energy
to my toes.

i dream of kind faces
and soft waters
i am so simple
i just want the sky to be a thin sheet of light gray
and the clouds to be so low
i can walk through them.

i want everchanging leaves
so that i can change with them
but i am the girl who never leaves
i am everchanging
but i am evergreen.

put me in the ground and my roots
will tread through the dirt
kissing every pebble
dancing and diving through the air pockets
and when i reach this middle earth i dream of
who are you to tell me
i can’t?

The night I gave up
I didn't frown
I didn't cry
Not a tear fell on my cheek
I spoke with ease.
I bent the bars of my prison
And I escaped
I walked the streets and shared my love
Barefooted, dressed in my imperfections
I wore my flaws on my sleeves
My heart in my throat
I held my dreams in the palms of my hands
For any stranger to follow
Like pieces of myself, I gave them away
So that I might not be forgotten
So that I might continue to live
Even when I'm not breathing
Even when my lungs are drenched in river water
And I march to the other side
To the slowing beat of my heart
I walked until my toes felt the cement curve
Then, I knew it was the end.
My eyes turned black
Black as the night
My soul dark as the mascara on my ******* eyes
My heart like stone
Fallen
And scattered.
The soles of my feet burned
From the coals I'd stepped on
Walking through hell
Bringing a little back with me
Scorching the grass beneath me.
I shredded cities and they stared at the monstrosity that was left inside me.

I looked back at all that I had left behind
And down at all that I had left
I smiled
Because every piece I had given away
Was glowing.
I was angry, but I was free
My purpose was finished
Maybe not completely
But it was all my fragile soul could take
So I turned back towards the water
And I
Jumped.

her soul was in
                              t
                              ­   e
                                    c
                         ­              h
                                          n
                   ­                          i
                                               c
                                                 o
                                                    l
         ­                                             o
                  ­                                       r
                            
                                  ­                           yet she was
                                                             ­          gray,
                                                           ­    like
                                                            ­     the moon.

I think I’m angry because I’m in mourning
I miss who you were when we first met
The whole world to my wide-eyed wonder
A dark, sparkling portal into a bright heavenly realm
A pool of chocolate brown with breathtaking melodies
My savior, my rescue, my wannabe baby
I loved you the day we met
I lost you the day we kissed
I want to leave but
I can’t leave the fear that
When I leave,
You’ll come back
And I’ll lose you all over again

i am the morning.
i am blood
i am buttery chocolate chip cookies
i’m probably just hungry
but you, honey,
make me feel delicious

there’s a peach pit in my stomach
soft pink waves make me want to bend over
kick and scream
i feel like ****,
does it show?
i hope it does.
i’d hate to think that i’m alone with all these emotions
like unwritten scenes in a playwright’s mind
like if the ink spills on the pages
this character will end up somewhere she’s not meant to be
i need to know i’m meant to be
i need a clear path shown to me
i need you to know how much you’ve meant to me
i want espresso and early mornings
walks under green trees at sunrise
walks on unstable rocks and trembling feet
walks with hands held, pulling each other to the surface
we’ve been underwater for too long
we found each other underwater
and it was beautiful
until we realized we can’t ******* breathe
we kissed too much and gasped for air
we had forgotten to gasp for air
we had stopped breathing
but oxygen is a sweet thing
and our eyes were reopened to its existence

they say love is blind
but that’s not true at all
love is the clear lens on the telescope at rock bottom that details every star and it’s meaning
every grain of sand on the ground above
love is a mirror and a bottle of windex
love is making me see who i am
versus who i should be
and who i don’t want to be

i am trembling at the fear that i am about to fall off the edge and lose the distance I have climbed
all i really want is to teleport into your arms
for they are a world i could build a house in

there’s a ghost in my bed
a silhouette of a being i once felt was a better half of me
now i can’t breathe until i’m a certain distance away
and
you’re
not
touching
me

then again, i’m just an idiot, aren’t i

I'm not a force of nature.

I'm a breath and a punch and a bead of sweat rolling down my right temple.

I'm a taxi cab driver with drunk girls in the backseat, driving in circles so they can sober up just enough to get home to their mothers.

I'm a wingful of feathers, a tomorrow full of betters, a page full of headers--

I'm a fighter, a nail-biter, a wave-rider, I'm no writer but my fingers are still insisting to dance across the letters of my handheld typewriter.

I'm a nuisance, not completely useless but not enough to move a mountain and I may not even be enough to do this.

I'm a mouthful of oxygen and a brain full of oxycodone; I'm an overdose waiting to happen and I can't get enough of you.

I'm every in-between stage of adjustment and self-discovery, unaware of my identity and that my own enemies are the deepest parts of me.

I'm a self-made insomniac, an ace of spades and a hypochondriac, a mild wave of confidence but I'm too afraid to contradict the empty pages in my conscience, I'm a...

I'm an outlaw, I'm an outcry, and I'm full of **** half the time and my **** writing doesn't really rhyme.

But that's fine.

am i falling out of love with you?
or has my mind simply twisted you into the man i’ve  never met in the vacancy of my own emotion
have a conjured an enemy, baby?
or am i falling out of love with you?
cosmo thinks i am
it tells me of all the lovers i could have had but strangely i do not want them, so,
why?
why do i feel like i lost you long ago
is it that maybe i never lost you
no, i never lost you,
i lost the version of myself that loved you in a pile of ash from all of my dreams that i have let crash and burn
i lost myself to my own demise
i lost myself to my own misstep and i lost my vision, baby
i can’t see you anymore

I would do anything, say anything,
To burn to all hell
The fields we conquered
To utterly drown
The ever-growing flames
But do I use fire
Or do I use water?
I need to finish this forever
Burn the frayed ends of this rope
Because God only knows
The poetry I will let loose
If my tongue is not burnt at the stake.
But will I even burn?
Are my eyes truly love-laced?
Are my arteries just frail veins,
My blood merely candy cane—
Did I even make a mistake
Or is everything I do an escapade?

My heart may be mad
But my mind is an asylum
In it is the woman
The ideal of my self schema
Next door is a child
Both terrified and terrifying
Innocence stolen
Capable of everything
Small enough to slip through the bars
She has taken my gun from me
The world is her target
But none with breath shall approach—
The other rooms are filled with scarecrows
And the rest is empty space
Quiet as a field on a windless night
Disorganized,
And still
Eerily still

But even in stillness
What is this hidden door?
Why does this asylum have a theatre
And why are we in it?
Getting cupcakes on an overcast day
Running hand in hand down a sidewalk in the suburbs
But then, it’s gone
The curtains close
And I’m in your old apartment
None the wiser to my being there
A dark room
A cold bed
Anxiety
My skin is warm
You touch it and it crawls
But I want more and I don’t and I do

It’s a lot,
Not knowing how to feel
Not knowing which color to be
Am I red?
Am I blue? Is he green?
Are you gray?
Is everything gray?
Or is it just me?
Did I paint this?
Did you?
Why are we here in this room
You aren’t supposed to be here
It’s not in the blueprints
But if the same room lives in the dungeons of your mind
Will I see you there
Before it burns down?

i have no name.
i have no name because i have many names
and not one in particular belongs solely to me.

i am a nameless, faceless creature
yet i breathe atmospheric oxygen like all other things
i am strong
and pure
and weak
and dangerous
i don’t know which to be
sitting in the passenger seat of my beat up chevy