i’m a functioning mess
or am i too depressed to move in this life like a chess?

am i not worthy enough,
or am i too stiff to fit in a formal-attire environment?

i thought i had made my best moves
but oh i forgot i am not the only writer in this life
as i breath the air that we are in, i feel suffocated, caged, and confused

i think i am too dumb and too numb
so i burn myself in the hearth of fire
they say “do not self-diagnose”
but i sink, quietly, into the idea of death

hey mom, your daughter’s not herself anymore
she forgot how to make important conversations
and lost her mind in the abyss of emotions
i guess my sadness is not worthy to be known in the media
so i’ll be leaving a lot of trivia

i befriended my worst of self and let her live
she laughs at me and i let her thrive
i don’t think i am deserving
i feel like i am abdicating
instead of sky-rocketing

should i turn back to where once i felt safe?
or has the door closed behind me, locked with the grace of my own farewell?

i promised not to go back, because i’d make nothing out of my old life
i just let myself sit in my room, zoning out with my own intrusive thoughts

my mind drowns in the ocean of “what ifs”
twisting itself to the past,
rewriting memories at speed i can’t control
too much what ifs leads to overthinking
and i am suffocating

i wanted to sit down and tell Him my stories
but too ashamed since i have a lot of unsaid sorries

the prayer mat stays untouched,
like a letter i was too afraid to send
i am a never-ending guilt-ridden, self-sabotaged being
all i do is weeping
counting apologies i don’t know how to speak

Bagaimana kalau surga dan neraka itu tidak ada,
dan kau
aku
kita
berlomba untuk hidup paling abadi berdampingan semestinya ?

Namun sekarang aku bercermin dengan realita.
mungkin kita berada di ruang yang sama, sibuk bercerita hari kemarin dan besok.
lalu kau harus pergi,
sehingga hanya jejak senyum hari ini yang tersisa dalam perjalanan sendiri-sendiri.

Jadi izinkan aku mengucapkan:
“Hati - hati di jalan ya.
Semoga selamat dan menemukan tujuan. Semoga pula sampai jumpa.
Semoga semua semoga karena 1000 doa ikut serta.
Aku pamit.”

for every moment i've spent  by only myself
lost within the waves
of my own thoughts
wish i knew who would stand
by my ground
and have me engulfed
in their arms, to which they would say

"i will stay, it's okay."

       --D

we often met twice a day
though we never had the chance
to say ’hi‘
but you keep on coming back
as if we had made a contract

i'm sorry i wish on too many wishes
and that i rely so much on you
oh but i often feel so blue
and i just want to wish on something new

       --D

I run from myself
Fast and breathless
I take a break often trying to recall what made me run
What me decide
To pick up my feet and take off
But I have nothing