I am in love--

with the monophonic hum of the vibrating
strings of existence, stars and fingers
and atoms singing a Gregorian chant,
the chaos of particles, wildly dancing,
the beauty of the infinitesimal,
the belief in a theory
of limitless possibilities.

I am a poet, not a scientist.
When I close my eyes,
I exist on a quantum level.
Physicists' particles, theorists' strings,
dance in purest form:
gracefully spinning en pointe electrons,
belly-dancing quarks, lithe and writhing,
a photon, swaying, dressed in light.

For comfort, I walk at night
on Einstein-Rosen bridges
from my world to others,
searching the stars for angels;
for escape, I wrap myself
in a quilted multiverse,
knowing that a version of me exists
in a universe with a version of you.

Put my faith in a bottle,
                                        and watched it *drain.

I miss you.
I miss you a lot.
Dear friend,
There’s so much I still don’t know- that I won’t know.

Remember? We laughed and sang and cried and learned and loved.
I do.
Remember when we talked?
We talked for hours about everything. About nothing.
I do.
Remember late nights with a high moon and loud music?
Dancing and sharing dreams.
I do.

I will always remember you. How cool we thought we were. How close we became.

Where are you now?
Why did you fade away without even saying goodbye?

Remember when you said we’d be friends forever?
I do.

I miss you.

It not that I don't trust you.
I do.
I'm just so insecure about myself.
I'm not good enough for you.
And I know that.
It worries me.
Because one day I'm scared you're going to realize it too.
I'm scared that I will come home from work.
And your bags will be packed.
And I'll watch you walk away to something better.

Two weeks drug free.
I did it for myself,
I did it for my sister
for you
and for her.

Cravings don't wake me up at night anymore.
I can hold a cigarette without my hands shaking
and I can look my mother in the eye.

Where are you to share in my sobriety?
Where are you to help me through it?
(Where are you?)

Not looking for casual ***
that's too easy
too easy
leaves me empty
this modern day truth is not made for me
i refuse
i'll stay alone forever if it's gonna be this way
nothing is sacred
everyone is everything
and nothing
and we all say we "love" each other
to new strangers
before we even know their middle names
or how they look like when they lie
or how their father's voice sounds like
(and i have heard your father's voice-you called him just so i could hear
him-it was a Sunday. Do you remember?)
where we value meaningless moments
over loyalty or truth
and i could have been so devoted to you
but naw, you didn't want it
but enough about you
you
you who was
you who never will be
you
you
you
i can't pretend and try to minimize you
you will be what i write about for some time
you will be a story i longingly tell someday
but you won't be the only story i tell
and you aren't the love of my life
because who knows what that even means
modern day love
is
temporary
hostile
withdrawn
withheld
forlorn
complicated
without­ directions
or foresight
tamed
forgotten
unorthodox
a given

and all i want
is forever
unyielding