oftentimes
all you will have
is your own
perseverance

it is in these times
you must
remember
to be thankful

if you have it
you will continue
to climb
and find.

if you don't
then you still
must be grateful,
fore the path
you are
bound to
is learning.

Mistakes.   Mistakes.   Mistakes...
... and learning to not make them.

Life is a series of decisions
& correct calls are the key to
your well being and happiness.

A warrior does not live
          solely to battle,

(that, if anything, is only 20% of his time)

He spends most his days
    training a strong body.
Cultivating mind of clarity
    filling spirit with peace.

And the more
the warrior can
do for others,
           the more
the warrior can
live ready for,
           The once-in-a-lifetime moments
           the unforeseen battles.

Perception, when applied to others,
(e.g., why did they do that? what were they thinking?
This must be there intention / motivation / reasoning)
will usually be flawed... And is always uncertain.

But

Perception, when applied to the self,
(e.g., how am I framing this? where is my awareness?
This moment only exists this way because I choose to view it as such)
is a compass... And a lens for finding certainty.

I think
I've forgotten
What pleasure is.

Like the other day
I thought
"I should act
like a child today.
Child Brian had
much more joy
and fun-love."

But then I realized
I couldn't be
Child Brian, anymore,
Because I didn't have
any toys to play with.

Just the toys of today
My laptop -- for voyeurism and empty dreaming
Results unqualified and
Pictures painting pain.

My bottles and pipes -- for inflating my emptiness
A temporary filling feeling
That fleets and leaves me.

Waking up the next day
And wondering when
Why? What the hell does today mean?

But, pleasure, from the things I love
Is pretty much lost on me,
When I've stumbled upon the old cliche
"I've lost interest in the things that once brought me joy."

Maybe it's a lack of credit where "credits" due
Or maybe it's no longer have "friends" to run to
Or, could it be, because I'm actually attempting
Responsibility, that then bleeds me of anything.

The former coping mechanisms that once empowered me.

****.  Me.

This poem is no good
And my word is dirt
I've submitted to sadness
And laid with hurt.

Every old strategy has expired
And I'm forced to think twice
Do I fight through and try to
go with my new way, or
continue on in these cycles
of suffering and temporary euphoria?


****.  It.

It matters not
Because the one
purpose of this was
My reason to swear:

Today is the last day I wake up and accept my depression

… so there.

Made my morning
much much easier

Doing everything that
I was told to never do.

Wake up with wine
A glass at a time
And at least three
Puffs of Cuckoo Chi.

Before that I **** myself.
Or, with luck, a PYT,
Who promises me
She’s on the pill.  

And if not, Oh
Well, I’m sure “Zanir”
wasn’t her government name.


It took close to twenty-three years
To shake off the agony of daytime.
There was no place for me in the
Systematic sunlight. Or, at least,
Not one that I could see.  But now

I’ve got a bottle, ½ full of optimistic
Alcoholism. I manage the condition
With a bit of cinnamon, spiced into
Steel cut oats and W.A. Elderberries.


Admitting what you don’t understand
While trusting that you know yourself
Is the last, if not only, human freedom.

Social expectation &
Psychic ambiguation.

Don’t take refuge in the familiar
Without first hugging your weird.

Comfort traps aren’t new,
Just the latest edition in:
That’s How They Get You.

Not an entirely reliable structure
No years of cultivated security
But I can tuck my life neatly inside
Almost any opportunity.

Waited for years.
I made my move
Two backpacks
And one suitcase

Surreal is all
I’ve felt so far
Aside from lost
In love and why.

Ask yourself a question
Without immediately
Volunteering the answer.

If you know enough to ask
Then you should know
That you don’t really know.

I gave him a name
NB
Because it's everything Negative aBout me

#NegativeHypothetical
Idea:
You create more resistance than there really is.


Now what exactly does that mean?


Think about your
greatest goal
grandest dream
And can you tell me

Everything that could potentially go wrong
All the reasons why you don't do it
Your probabilities of failure + humiliation
And all the pain that would bring?

… probably.

But, now
can you
tell me:

The last three good things
that happened to you this week?
Doesn't need to be large,
just enough to make you smile.

I reckon
or at least
I know
when it comes to me

I can tell you the former
over the latter
much more
easily.


And isn't that a shame?

That NB
found a way to monopolize
my thoughts
and thus, my reality.

That was until I gave him a name
And decided to do away with
Western paranoia.  Because
we all hear "voices" in our head,

and I think that embracing those
ideas and showing them some
attention… rather than burying
them with a doubtful "that's stupid,"

is the path to lightening up
and letting go of negativity.

A good first step in cultivating
peace. And managing reality.

Default mode is quiet
Thoughtful. Often
mistsken for aloof.

But I’ve seen glimpses,
Crackle campfire flames,
wisdom behind frames.

Old soul remembering
Everything today forgot.

Intermittent expressions of
Vitality, torture, and love.

And today as she rests
I send a few texts
Fanning fiery memories.

I know she smiles when she reads
These casual truths: pretty ****,
Show-stopping smile and eyes.

As time goes by,
Timing remains awry
But she’ll always
Reside in my mind.

Examine your thoughts
And find the things that bring you happiness
Then Examine What You Do
Your job, friendships, family, and dating
Do These Things Align?

If yes, precede.
If no, Reset.

For everything we think we know
     and let's use some
     of those fancy words:
     key demographics, target audiences, potential consumers,
     strategies, theories, 3 I's, 4 P's, 4 C's,
     consultants, coordinators, directors, decision makers,
     sizes, scopes, negotiations, deliverable.
Remember when we first knew
     there was and hopefully remains
     a real reason why we went this way...

                         ... and weather or not you remember, or even realize that
                         reason is real; you can do yourself service.  Just watch your
                         brush-fire breath take form, and your river's senses flow.
                         Do this instead of learning what you think you need to know.

Applaud the police,
sure, okay, a job
done well, it seems,
in a time quite
turbulent, for sure.

Feel pride in your city,
yes, I get that too.
I still rep mine, strong,
even after I left her.

But, at the risk of being
a **** joy and coming off
anti-something-or-other

I feel as... angry?  No,
disappointed... as I did
when "we got Bin Laden."

Death.  No, ******,
in any name, is not
cause for celebration.

Somber reflection,
consideration, and
resolve to improve
our human community

That's what, I feel, should be,
in our collective mind... but,
instead, I feel the frenzy of
American relief... something
I can understand, even if I
tend to disagree...

Remember, you are never as good as you think you are.
You are, at best, human.
And being human, at this phase in your incarnation, is,
indeed, the best you can do.

Stop worrying about others
And making comparisons and worrying about what they
may or may not think about
you.  You are capable of right and wrong, good and bad.

But you are neither.
You are status.
Ever changing and
effected by everything.

And guess what.
That's 'normal.'
At least in the sense
that everyone else is
exactly the same way,
weather they choose
to be aware of that
or not.

Remember when instincts were all that we had?
We successfully navigated danger on the daily.
Now it’s conditioned perception and status quo,
Pushing us further from —

— all-natural understanding.
A key unlocking
basic gifts. Given
without a care.

We are born with all we need
To feel, know, and learn + explore
But with cognition and expectation
We betray what we know. We accept
Designer culture and stigmatic classes.

I don’t want to believe
In anything but myself

Because I know I’m here
But I can’t say for sure
About anything else.