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  4h polina
Tye
If I die tonight,
Bury me shallow,
So I can wake from the abyss,
And leer at the hazy moonlight,
As it bounces softly through the treetops.
Where I can hear the birds,
Chirping to greet the sun.
Where others can hold their breath,
And hear my soul through the ground.
  4h polina
Zelda
⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️

I’m not suicidal,
I fear death.

I think about dying—
it's always a vivid, beautiful, sunny day.

I just want to bleed, cuts under the skin.
I just want to starve, protruding bones.
I just want to disappear, non-existent.

I’m trying to get my affairs in order,
to tend to my responsibilities,
to care for my loved ones
just in case.

I’m not suicidal,
at least, I don’t think I am.

I fear death.
Jan 1 2025
*Trigger warning ⚠️*
  4h polina
RMatheson
Can you see yourself
the way the mascara runs
the wings splayed out
like an angel
naked
pale
leaning into her own
dissolution.
Heaven knows, I ain't getting over you.
polina 4h
When I left, perhaps I was afraid
of the bottomless chasm I left behind me -
Leaving bridges, sure
But who’d be brave enough
to cross them?

On the other side, I left dreams
that I’d outgrown, blossoming in the
spring sunshine.
(Doesn’t the grass always look greener
On the other side?)

And there, too, I left memories -
They permeated every single street,
and every flower that a
lovestruck girl had ever given
(It was me. I was that girl.)

I left behind notes, engraved on
sagging sycamores - old little jokes,
and dares, and promises.
(P + N. Do you remember?)

And bits of myself still wander
in apartments that collect dust,
or stranger’s whispers.
Maybe you can still hear my childlike
laugh, trapped in the highest point
of a rusting swing.

And there, too, I left nightmares
tear-filled nights that stretched forever
in the company of doubt, and silence
(and insomnia).

And in that same place…
I left you behind.
I didn’t think you’d be brave enough
But who am I, to think I
know you better?

I’d cross the bridge halfway, homesick
some days, longing
for the younger self I left
behind. And there you’d be -
Cross-legged, smiling,
waiting for me in between.

I miss you, and I love you,
even if I don’t say it enough.
Thank you for loving me enough
to stay - even thousands of miles
apart.
so thankful for my best friend, who still remains so close to me despite my move<3 I'm grateful for our calls, our texts and our little vlogs of daily life.
polina 23h
Our problems feel so personal,
Like a knife designed to cut
In all the weakest spots.
And we can look at lives apart from ours -
Shining, golden in their
Perfection.

And a yearning can rise up within, a hunger
That doesn’t abate -
I wish I had their life,
That hollow space whispers.

But pain overwhelms those lives,
A personal pain that we’ve already
Overcome.
Issues that we can’t even fathom,
Hid behind every picture-perfect
Smile.
Destruction that comes in forms
We’ve never even seen -
Insidious, hidden, all-consuming.

Or maybe, their life is perfect
(if there ever was such a thing).
Maybe it’s golden, and full of love
And light, and
Promise.
And I’m happy for them, truly
And yet, I would never trade my problems
For theirs.
polina 23h
All of us hide
Behind smiles that tell everyone,
I’m fine
So they don’t even have to ask

If they did ask,
How are you?
The reply is the same, monotone,
Programmed into us
Just like our niceties,
Our polite evasions.

Our quiet defenses distract,
Destroy
They push others away,
Before they’ve even had a chance
To try.

How are you?
I’m struggling, drowning,
Help me, please -
Listen to me, even though I don’t
Have the courage to speak.
polina 3d
Swear you’ll bleed in loving colors,
Swear you won’t complain or scream;
Swear you’ll always love me softly,
Swear you won’t die or hate or dream.

Swear your nightmares won’t be graphic,
Swear they won’t turn to dreams -
Swear you’ll always be most honest,
Swear you’ll be my angel seraphim.

Swear you’ll never break your promise,
Swear you won’t beat me black and blue;
Instead, swear you’ll watch every sunset
With me, and I with you.
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