Do you ever get that feeling, like you’re nostalgic
For a life that you haven’t lived? Maybe it’s the
Dreamy filter, or the yearning music -
Maybe it’s that space within you that’s a little hollow,
A vacant room in an overflowing house.

Inside you, there are versions wandering the streets
Of a crowded city, where every smell and scent
Is a reminder of a life you lived once upon a time.
There are versions sitting in windy bedrooms,
Talking about life so easily, not knowing it would be
The last time.

There are versions who swim in pools, breathing in
The soapy scent of chlorine. Versions that have
Learned to love, or maybe forgotten how to
Versions that were hurt so badly they decided
It would be easier not to care at all

And there’s the version that
sits in front of the screen
Remembering a past that was a memory long before now.

I see that table sometimes at night, when
My dreams stretch colorful and bright
That table is lit up by the softest glow,
With smiles and laughter evermore

On that table, there’s a seat,
Saved especially for me. It’s comfortable
And blue, exactly how I like it, and I feel
This deep and lingering warmth as I sit

As I sit, I find I’m laughing, and around me
Everything is soft and warm - conversation
Flows unstoppered, and I bask
In its healing balm

I see that table sometimes, and I know
It’s waiting for my exact glow.

I wish to be found, across
Miles of distance, across lifetimes
I wish to be discovered in
Such a way that I’m left in awe
Of all the things I didn’t know
About myself

I wish for you to find me, even though
I say I don’t need you; I wish for you
To try, and try again, so hard that I
Have no choice but to let you in

I wish to find you, you that knows me
Almost as well as I know myself
I wish for you to know me, truly, to
Look so deep inside
Into the darkness that I’ve been afraid
To explore

I wish to be found, in this lifetime
And the next, by you, who is the one
For me

She’s soft and beautiful, kind and gentle,
But pushed so hard she’s over caring
Each new insult, a sliver of the mask cut away
Revealing the primal anger that
slumbers in us all.

Her eyes are gentle, bright and open -
Or at least, they used to be. They say eyes
Are the windows to the soul, but what if
Rocks and screams have shattered them
And only jagged glass remains?
It hurts to look at her now, to see the gaping
Holes where her soul used to be.

And that brave, beautiful heart of hers, the one
That  had an overabundance of love -
It’s closed off now, from itself and others,
And all the blood collects inside until it’s
Ready to burst.

And when all of it comes exploding out, a fountain
Of pain laid bare before you
There’s nothing left for you to do.
Look what you’ve done, this princess you now call
Monster.

I have measured out my life with
the sadness I felt with every
One of your lying looks, your deceitful eyes that
Tell me the truth while you say you “love me”.

I have lived out my life hoping
that you could come around, whispering
Honeyed promises that I wish I could believe
But you’ve left me, and every moment of my life
Is now measured with the memory of you.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
For fate is not in my hands, and
Life seems to be brittle, shattering before my eyes
A thousand fault lines running through
My mind, cracked from thoughts that flood
I’m in deep waters where air cannot reach me
I can’t find the surface.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
Overthink every choice, a butterfly effect,
A hurricane rippling through my inner world
Unraveling the tapestry of my future,
Warping every possibility -
No, I do not dare.

I want to experience it -
The youthful thrill of trembling hands,
Smiles softened by the dying sunlight
Words, cotton-candy sweet, adoring
Uncomplicated, understanding, bright.

I want to feel it -
Love, a feeling sickly-sweet and soft,
Or puppy love, as mom will call it
I want those phone calls into midnight, laughs
Inside jokes, adoring, “let’s go bowling” -
I want the hangouts that stretch
into technicolor dreams
Hugs, languid, smiles drunken
Love, oh how I want to drown
in your beam.