I'm desperately searching
For an ounce of permanence
In a world in which
Everything fades to nothingness

M, I vow to love you. Simply and purely, Just you forever.
I vow to hold your hand through hardships and cheer your victories. The small, the large, the ones that seem like they couldn't be.
I vow to be your family, no matter who comes or leaves our life. May our family grow, though if it does not, may my love be enough.
I vow to keep you company, all the days of your life. In person or through spirit.
I vow to hold God in our relationship. That he might guide us to love one another better.
I vow to love you, M.

He wants to marry me.
The first night he proposed,
A paper ring was offered.
All I could manage to do was laugh.
We'd known each other for a moment,
A whisper of trivial seconds sewn together.
But now, now it has been a lifetime,
Or maybe just a few months, it feels like both.
This time, that flimsy paper promise
Has been replaced by diamonds and love.
I wasn't laughing anymore, because
He meant it. Even all that time ago.

Baby, I lie all the time.
I'm good
It's fine
*I love you

What
         A
            Waste
They say looking down their noses.
She used to be so skinny.
Pretty even, all those moons ago.
See
      Her
             Now
Fat, lonely, and ashamed of herself.
Her humanity disappearing with every bite.
No one could love her... not a pig like her.

I got lost in vulnerability.
I got lost in you
I got lost in us.
Good Bye, you made me vulnerable
Good Bye, you found me
Good Bye, you created us
I dont write this to make you sad
I don't know how else to say
"I dont want to live without you"
Good Bye, this is our love song, the silence
Good Bye, I cant love you quietly
Good Bye, my being burns for you
I understand that I am not for you
I understand that you are beyond me
I understand that you deserve more
Good Bye, this is the end
Good Bye, I wont love you; it isnt reciprocated
Good Bye, *good bye

I feel her in my lungs, she is my very breath.
Every intake is a caress against my lips.
A life without would be death.
A craving? No, something more.
Buring in my chest, a pulsing ravenous need.

But what am I to her? A leaf perhaps.
Momentary beauty that fluters past her eyes,
To be trampled underfoot without thought.

The tiniest heartbreak
Is the word "almost"
He almost loved me

The late hours remind me of you
Of us
We spent too much time talking at these
Ridiculous hours
Somehow the memory holds me like I wish
You would
Sometimes things arent physical but you still
Feel them
I think that is you. Lost in longing for
Someone. Anyone.
But I dont want anyone, I want
You alone.
That could never happen because you dont
Want me
You love me, but as someone who
Needs you
Not a lover, just well loved
By you

We were never meant to be
Not even when I said those words
"I do"

I went to the warf
Just to see your face
In the waves and water
But you're not here anymore

An entire sea of water
Cant sink a ship
Unless the water gets inside
You sunk me.
You got inside my being,
Wrapped your smile around my heart.
And crushed me.
I cant breathe anymore.
Waves of nausea crash about.
Tears flood my eyes.
But all you'll ever see
Is the beauty of the ocean.

I write to ease my pain.
Ink flowing, not my blood.
It does not feel as good.
Imagine, what if it did?

It's not fair
How everything can
Be taken away
At a moment's
Notice. But that,
That is why
You enjoy it.

He doesn't love me
That's not surprising now
The surprising thing is
He never did

We were in love
I thought we were
But suddenly "no"
Didn't mean anything
His hands were on me
He was in me
Too strong to stop.
Too ashamed, I stayed

Shes sick, and not the "take a mucinex and get over it" kind of sick.
Her hair is falling out, the most beautiful curls you'll ever see swirling away with tears and shampoo.
Shes the kind of sick where you go to the doctor three times a month and have to get special permission from work to miss so much
When one of the four other people living in the house catches a cold, she catches a flu.
And it bring her to the edge. Every cough is like breaking glass, every ragad breath painful.
Through all this she still manages to be my mom somehow
She catches every tear in her paling hands. Fights end when her gentle voice says stop.
I'm scared though, some day her voice may say stop to the fight that matters. And shell be gone.
You see we are all dying, shes just doing it a little too fast.

I want to rip things apart
Tear pages from the spines of books
Unearth the white roots of plants
My urge to destroy is so deep
The only thing I destroy is me

Good morning darling.
Its 3 am but that doesn't matter.
You're sleeping so soundly
And look so peacefully in bliss.
I am so amazed that I am the one.
The one the gets to sleep here
The one that gets to kiss you
Thank you.

The demons were chasing hard that night
I tried to run, I tried to fight them.
But I slip, my gait trips up.
Then my lips are pressed to a bottle.
I watch as the world grows fuzzy.
Sip after sip, my view and judgement cloud
Click click click bing.
hey fuzzy letters fill my screen
its two am, why u up? blip to exsistance
Naseau grabs my stomach... liquor or nerves?
Click click click bing.
i miss you instant regret wells up
He doesn't want me. Not sober, not drunk
Demons get to me. Pop goes another beer.
Soon it's the early hours and I'm still lonely
I look down the neck of the bottle and realize
The only things in life I can count on are here
Me and the demons who won this battle.

I miss the world as it was.
The quiet beauty of being small.
Long afternoons turning to twilight,
Small fists gently clasped around
The majesty of fireflies, silently glowing.
Racing streetlights to make it home
Before the curfew of fiery sunsets.

I miss the world as it could be.
Friendships that should have blossomed
And lovers that could have been.
Books that are yet to be written
Collecting dust inside the authors mind.
Goals yearning to be accomplished
By doers not yet motivated to move.

I miss the world as it is.
Caught up in a phone or computer
Rather than looking up and smiling.
Perhaps buying a stranger there coffee,
Or simply saying hello to a neighbor.
Losing out on conversations because
Of ones emotions or differences.

I want her to say
I love you
She used to speak
Those coveted words
She should, shouldn't she?
After all, she is my sister...

Do you ever feel like you're losing someone?
The slow slow growing distance.
Jumping from a crack to canyon.
How does this even happen?
One moment we are talking until midnight,
And nexthing I cant see more than a string of read texts.
I dont try to push people away.
It just sort of... Happens.
We have big castle plans one minute
And piles of sand the next.
How do you say I love you
When I cant even find the you.
Yes. It's a slow fade,
Like finger tips tracing their way to the numb spot in your heart.
But maybe, in the whispers that have ceased,
In this silence, I'll find something worthwhile.

11:11
Strikes the clock,
I close my eyes tight and start.
This is the really hard wish.
The one that never will be.
But I still try every night at
11:11

I dont want to
Actively die.
But I don't want to
Passively live

Click click click
Send
Ten minutes later
Read
Three hours later
Still nothing
How frustrating
It's our cycle.

"I'm fine" This long told lie
Finally true these last few weeks.
But fine is a state not worth living in.
Fine is subpar food and bad tv.
Fine is 8 hour days, five days a week.
Fine is friends of friends, not quiet lonely.
I want more. I want the pain back.
Or joy untold. I want highs and lows.
Not this middle ground so many settle for.
I don't want my headstone to read,
"Her life was fine."

The hours crawl by and I sit huddled, waiting.
I've never been over seas, but I can imagine,
This must be what it's like, every second
Chiseling the hole in your chest wider,
Wondering if morning and light are real
Not just the figment of the deprived imagination
The cold sets in around two am and I get up
I trip over piles of crap and fumble for the switch
The fan clicks off, my body immediately burns
The cold isn't external, its within me. My soul.
At first glance its loneliness. But it is far worse
It is a desperation to be loved exactly as I am
I laugh out loud as I think this. Who am i?
Who am I to be loved. I am scarred and flawed
I have done heinous things. Lied, cheated, all of it
I have never been overseas, but I know.
I live in a warzone. No where is remotely safe
My room, the car, the supermarket, school.
I'm battling myself, and I'm not sure what for.

There are shadows. I don't know how to cope.
Shadows of the good and the bad.
But the good shadows just feel sinful.
The bad ones are filled with solace.
It has been so much better, so much worse
The now is temporary, grounded.
There were nights I never wanted to end
And ones I thought never would.
Now? Now my mind is filled with wisps of both.
Strands of good woven with strands of bad.
A tapestry of light and darkness, life and loss.
Fabric stretched so far it snags on moments.
First kisses, the last one I got to taste
Learning to drive on country backroads.
I can taste the poison of pills,
Smell my mother's perfume.
That red sunset, blinding me with hope.
There are no shadows without light.

My tummy hurts
I can't sleep
My head hurts
I can't let him go

I want to express my pain,
Punch little holes in the page
Where the pen has pressed
Maybe just a little too hard.

Mark, mark, mark
I put:
My doodles.
My words.
My name.
Just so someone knows
I was here.

Every now and then,
My heart latches on.
Another person,
Fascinating my mind.
But reciprocation
A hard thing to come by.
Leaving me lonely,
Disappointed even.
This is not their fault.
I am a leech.
Energy gained from others.
It can't be helped.
But it will cost me.

Almost twenty-one years ago
I came into this world
Screaming and crying, full of life
Today, I am beautiful and strong.
My life is not tainted by my past
For I forgive myself and move on.
I am warmed by twenty-one years
Stretching on like the marks on my skin.
I'm not skinny, good meals assured that.
But I am confident and happy.
I have accomplished so much
Over come a two decades of struggle.
Happy birthday to the woman I am.