so much has changed
but your name still rings purple.

~

the breakups, the makeups
the pregnancy scares
the movies, the makeouts
the tears and the fear
we both moved to a new country
further away than before
started new careers, new lives
more alone than before
the nights we'd stay up talking
and the days we'd spend hand in hand
then the distance
then the silence
and whispers in the air
so much has changed
and yet, nothing at all
my phone waits for your text
to ring purple and inform
me that you still have something to say
and I have a lot left to hear
your name still rings purple
reminding me that you're not here
and the phone cries for attention
my favorite color, full of memories
as the goodnight texts turned to formal
gooddays and then nothing at all
but my phone still rings purple
whenever you call.

dear boyfriend,
sorry for calling you my boyfriend, i'm just tired of calling you my ex, the ex, the one that broke my heart, the one that got away. so for now, for today, dear boyfriend,
i've been sorting through our memories and i found the very first necklace you gave to me. i haven't worn it yet, but it still shines. i thought you'd be interested to know that the shirt you gave me still faintly smells of you (or maybe that's in my head). i'm feeling really nauseous today and i think its because i read the letters you wrote to me and your handwriting is strange and so familiar. how your letters capitalize mid-sentence, i never quite understood. everytime i see it, i think of how your mother taught you her whole life and imagine you sitting with her and learning to read. did your mother teach you to love? mine certainly didn't. my father taught me to run, though. he taught me to run and run and run and never to look back. i'm still struggling with the second part. he taught me to never stop moving because your past is out to get you. i've been running ever since. my feet hurt and i wish you were here to hold me. but i guess love needs to take a breath, love needs a second, love needs you to freeze for a moment in time. but i never stopped running. i never stop. have you been stopping? freezing in your tracks when the memories hit you like a brick? does your heart clench in desire the way mine does? sometimes it feels like i'm running with my eyes closed and i've gotten my hair caught in spider webs. ugh, i've always hated spiders. i'm not afraid of them, but i don't enjoy their presence. i always liked the idea of having you **** them for me but honestly i think you were more freaked out by them than i was. which is kinda cute in and of itself. you were different, i mean, are different. i wonder how much has changed. i wonder how little has changed. i wonder if you're still waiting for the day the sun sets in the east. i wonder if you're still waiting for me.


love,
your (ex?) girlfriend
(and forever soulmate).

the thing with home being a person is that home can always choose to walk away.