i'm sitting in a corner
with tears streaming
down my face because
i thought i'd finally beat
my illness but it turns
out you can't beat
yourself and now i
don't know what to
do because words pop
out of my mouth and
i don't know them until
i hear them and i'm
terrified of being victim
to my own words and
thoughts because how
can i escape myself

the birds were singing
and the stars gleaming
the spot was beautiful
and perfect for a
secluded movie and
stargazing

that's what i
asked for anyway
but it was your
birthday and
you had other plans

i was so naive
not dumb because
you'd been so
sweet, so reassuring
no signals that
you wouldn't listen

but you didn't

and with each
no, the birdsong
faded while the
terror flooding
my veins
grew to a roar
in my ears

until it was too
loud to hear you
and much too loud
to say one more
no

and apparently my silence
was a yes

You said you were
Only trying to give me
A new experience
But you lied because
All you wanted was
Someone to use someone
Too innocent too
Desperate to say
No and even
Then you ignored
It saying it’s for
My own good as
Though it’s a
Sacrifice on your
Part to steal my
First kiss with
**** and fear and
You said that it
Was for my own
Good but what
Good was it 7
Months later when
White cars gave
Me panic attacks and
I was too scared to
Say no because he’d
Just do it anyway and
Maybe if I was
Polite he would
Listen but
I was wrong and
No meant the same
Thing to him as
You and he pushed until
I was too scared to
Say no anymore and
I‘d told him
About you so he
Decided to recreate the
Scene in a white
Car in a field at
Night when no one
Knew where I
Was because we
Were gonna watch
A movie and watch
The ******* stars
I just wanted to
Watch the stars but
You knew me well
Enough to know
That my lack
Of no wasn’t a
******* yes because you
Knew that I
Use my *******
Words and if I
Wasn’t talking it
Wasn’t a yes it
Was me too
Scared to say
No because you’d
Get mad and
Take it anyway
And so it was
Easier to pretend
That it was a
Yes than accept that
Once again no
Didn’t mean no
And I had been
Robbed for the
Second time by
Someone I
Trusted again
So when we
Say no means
No and you say
Duh think
About the fact
That I’ve tried
No two times and
It didn’t make
A ******* difference
Because he took
It anyway

We went ice skating
And got ice cream
So I thought maybe
We could do more
Cute things but
How ******* stupid
I was to think
That my suggestion
Of watching the
Stars would actually
Be used and I thought
—Why the **** did I think—that
Maybe you would keep your hands
To yourself
But you didn’t
And when I asked
About the movie
You told me to climb
I’m back so we could
“Cuddle” but first
You had to grab the
Condoms. you looked
So proud of yourself
But I was terrified and
You told me that was
Normal but I said
No so you
Whined that it was
Your birthday and
I said no and
You got angry and
So I shut up so
You wouldn’t hurt
Me but you
Did it anyway and didn’t
Give a **** that
I was shaking
And never said
Yes or that I
Was bleeding and
It hurt because
You said that was
Normal but I said
Stop and you got
Mad so I
Shut up

I just wanted to
Cuddle and watch
The stars

I would scream your name
over and over
till my throat hurts
just so i can get your name off the
tip
    of
          my
                  tongue

The rain went pitter patter
Leaving droplets in your hair
The stars and moon above
Showing your beauty beyond compare

Granted you’re rude and sassy
But there’s not much I can do
Because everytime you text me
I just end up falling for you

I dream of ivy covered walls
And a garden in full bloom
Where we can escape for a day or year
Hopefully quite soon

After the fiery sun goes down
We sit and watch the stars
Snuggling in a blanket we whisper
Sharing our delicate scars

And although it’s kind of scary
Somehow I feel safe and warm
Knowing that someone will be with me
Even in the worst of storms

I can see my breath
And for some reason
That frightens me
For some reason
I'm very frightened
By everything today
I'm frightened
By my own thoughts
By my own existence
Just by being alone
And I don't know
If that's normal
I don't know
If people understand
What that's like
To be afraid
Of the mind
You live in
To be afraid
Of the life
You were born in
But it's scary
And I don't like it
I don't like
Seeing my breath
I don't like
Seeing my veins
I don't like
Feeling my pulse
As I live my scared life
Because I'm truly frightened
By everything in my mind
And I don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to change it
I don't know what to do
And that scares me