You are the guy in my dreams
Every time I came home I loved to fall asleep
Because that meant seeing you
Every time I woke up felt like a nightmare
I wish you were in my world
But as long as the ladders of thoughts are there
I can climb up to your world to see you

I don't want to go
I hate saying goodbye

But as long as I am here
I know you will be here for me
and love me
and never let me fall

I wish you were real....

But you are in my dreams
Some times dreams come true

I hope mine does

One day I fell asleep
and you weren't there

I panicked and woke up

After school I kept looking for you in my dreams
Sitting on the bench waiting for you
But one day you just never came back

I just gave up

Next morning
Waiting for my mom to pick me up
Sitting on the bench
Just like in my dreams

Buried  my face into my knees
trying to connect to the other world
To see if I can see you again

But instead I cried

Until someone tapped me
I looked up fast scared

I couldn't believe what I seen

It was you...
The boy in my dreams

This felt like a dream
I thought I was in his world
But I wasn't
I was in my world

He left his world just for me..

I guess some dreams do come true

I dont regret loving you
But I do regret the things we did
I hope you regret what you did too
I know things were hard between us
But we can fix them
only if you want to
I love you then and I love you now
and Ill always love you
Like they say, you never forget your true love
It will stick with us even if we find someone else
your my true love
I just wish...that God didnt use you as the lesson I need
I wish it was someone else because I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life
I seen a future with you
but now thats slowly fading
yes things were hard
But I dont regret loving you
Im glad you came into my life
I just wish you stood
I want us to be ok again one day
like before...
I hope that your still the one
I will be waiting
But I realized that most people dont end up being with their first true love
and Im scared
because I dont want nobody taking your place
Yes we are different
But right now we're just not ready
I love you
and I dont regret loving you

Hi to the mysterious boy I have a crush on
I'm surprise to say I have a crush anyways
I guess I'm just curious
you seem like someone I want to know
your probably have a girl friend or like someone already
but its ok
I dont even know who you are
or what you look like
but something about you
makes me like you
but I just want to get to know you

I can't stand taking tests or exams
All of a sudden when I start
My mind becomes blank
I start to over think
I stay on one question for to long
and when I get the results that I didnt want to or if its so close to passing
I break down
I get so mad
because it will be the easiest question ever
and I still fail  
This is why I don't like tests or exams
It makes me feel stupid and question my intelligence

He asked me " do you want me to stop loving you"?

I replied " you can't stop loving me when you never did

They destroyed me
I never knew why
But why me ?
Its been going on for so long
So I just got use to it
I welcomed myself home
To this destruction

They continued to tear me down
They beat the mindset of deserving it into me
So I thought there was something wrong with me

If they hurt me
]Why shouldn't I hurt myself
If nobody loves me
I shouldn't love myself

The darkness was my home
Throwing up was my sister
Negativity was my brother
Depression were my parents
The blade was my best friend
They were always there for me
People knew they were there for me
because it left its bandages on my body

People usually ask me
"why or did it hurt or what even brought you to that point?"

I just shrug my shoulders and said " I'm numb to pain, I'm numb to hurt. Its all I've ever been use to. When you've been hurt for so long....nothing hurts you"

The girl that puts others before herself
shes the girl with good intentions
wanting everything to be ok

Everything started to fall apart
she got tired of fighting
she got tired of waiting for everything to be ok

Everything is not going to be ok
Shes tired of waiting
Shes tired of trying to be ok
She doesn't wanna be ok
Shes tired of people telling her " it will be ok, just be patient"

Nothing is going to change
if this isn't good for me
let me just give up
let me just stop trying
let me stop fighting
I dont want your reasons of why I should live
your good advice, or when I'm alright

You dont know what its like

What is like to be in my head
to go through what I went through

you can't stop me from drowning

Dont tell me what you see
you need to clean your eyes and check again

I'm tired of all these bad days
and nothing never being ok
I'm tired of hearing "just keep your head up"
I'm tired of trying to be ok
jI just wanna be not ok

Is it ever going to change?
No its not

Nothing is going to change
So let me just give up
let me stop trying
let me stop fighting
I dont want your reasons of why I should live
your good advice, or when I'm alright

you dont know what  its like

dont look at me like you understand
dont try to hold me back

if you know if this isnt good for me
let me just give up
let me just stop trying
let me stop fighting
I dont want your reasons of why I should live
your good advice, or when I'm alright

you dont know what is like

The girl that was insecure about herself especially her weight
She fell in love one day and she knew that he was her soul mate
He constantly reminded her that he loves her body the way it is
He rubs her tummy and gives it a kiss
But when they always make love he seems to miss the spot that needs love the most
He started reassuring her less, she started feeling like a ghost
One day she found out  that she was pregnant, they had so much joy
They even started looking up baby names and decided to name him troy
Thats when then he started showing more attention to her insecurity but its because what he created was in there
Then for some reason she started developing this hatred in her heart , she didnt want to share
She felt sad because he only showed her attention because of the baby
She didnt want to hate the baby but it started driving her crazy
She felt jealous and that was consuming her
All she wanted was to feel accepted and she was wondering when it will be her turn
One day she couldnt take it anymore and she ran away
He noticed that they were gone, he searched day by day
He never found them ever since (months later)
One day he thought about the hints that she tried to give about needing love, he should've listen
The next day while he was watching the news and stacking up books on the book shelf
He heard something he couldnt believe he heard, the news mention a tragic that happened and it was about a pregnant woman that killed herself

The only thing I miss about my ex is that
he use to remind me mostly every day
about how beautiful I was
even when I looked a mess or even dressed up
he would say "you are so beautiful"
I actually started believing him
I got so use to it I expected it
even.....when he left

Its sad to say it now
when someone calls me beautiful
I cringe
because they don't say it the way he said it

because I knew he meant it

As she hides behind a mask
with pain and fear
She makes sure to keep it unkown
So no one comes near
Shes been fighting years after years
And shedding more tears
never in front of nobody
she will take off her clothes
Because her story would be told
You would look at her and you would never know
That shes the type of girl
That wants to go
But beneath her skin is someone you would want to know
you won't get that far because how the world made her
her heart is so cold
she doesn't want you to be affected
on what she's going through
so she will cover up all the information and clues
and she will comfort you with lies
If you really want to help her
and know her story
just look into her eyes

Because of you
I lost apart of me
That cannot be given back

But its up to me
To give myself
The forgiveness I deserve

Things started to get easier the moment I decided I wasn't going to settle for average.

Saying sorry will give you forgiveness and a settled situation
But doesn't mean it will heal the wounds you left

seeing the pain through your eyes
knowing everything i do doesn't work
i cant help
your emotionally drained
each scar on your body because of the war you faced
and it gave you something to remember
every cut you made
i see a little plant growing out your wound
and its getting bigger and bigger
until it sprouts to a beautiful rose
sometimes a tulip or even a daisy
its sad having to see you suffer
to finally see your beauty force itself out your body
wanting to breathe
wanting to grow
the more it grows
the closer to your death
your body is protecting your garden
little by little
the thorns pricking at your skin to escape
finally the blade took charge to unleash the beauty of those flowers
knowing its best to escape
because your dying
knowing i cant help you
sadly i have to watch your flowers grow
and the worse part about it
some people are watering the plants
and its not even you

She made it to the top of the mountain took a deep breath and smiled

Thats when she finally decided to start living the life she deserves

would I make it ?
does he like me ?
would I be successful?
will I make through high school?
why don't they like me ?
why are they looking at me ?
what grade did I get on all my subjects ?
is my family proud of me ?
probably not
will I go to college?
maybe if I don't pass the exam?
why are people so mean?
how can I solve this problem ?
what do I want to be when I get older?
maybe a ..vet...or a construction worker....or maybe a psychologist
am I good enough?
why does god let these things happen?
why do I feel so worthless?
why am I constantly thinking?
why cant I rest ?
why am I thinking about constantly thinking
I cant help to think
because that's all I do
I think about everything
and I don't know why
my mind overflows with questions, thoughts, what ifs and more  
I over think a lot
my mind is overwhelming to the point my brain might collapse or dysfunction
I cant help to think about when will this be over
.....im over thinking to much

Hey, you know that girl that always jumped around
And she always made people laugh,she was the class clown
That girl that always checked up on everyone
Shes was a fighter, she never gives up
The one that puts others before herself
And the one that always cared about how people felt
She always laughed at everything
And even though she knew she was bad but she just loved to sing
The girl that liked to do everything
She doesn't brag about it, she says nothing
She loves to laugh and smile
And she was so wild
She saw beauty in everything and everyone
Everybody thinks she so fun
She never stood still,she just loves to run
The one that loves to help
People went to her with their problems because she knew how they felt


Yeah you know that girl?
Did you ever know the real her
The girl that always felt miserable to come home
The one that always cried in her dark room alone
She's the one with the cuts on her arms that she lied about
She thought we were blind, that we wouldn't find out
We also didn't realize when she started to look different
None of us seem to bother to ask or listen
Yeah, you didn't know she had an other side to her
She was so down on herself, she felt like she didn't have self worth
Bothered to look at herself in the mirror
Drinking herself away so her mind can get clearer
So insecure about herself, she felt fat
In the bathroom she would always get anxiety attacks
She's only worried about making other people happy, she wanted to be happy but she couldn't
They thought she wouldn't
She would slice the pain away
She felt alone and just wanted to be ok

Bet you didn't know that
I bet you didn't know this either

You know that girl? She wasn't in school today
She said she was coming today, well she actually went away
The girl that always said she was alright
But if you looked deeper into her eyes that was all a lie
Yeah, you know that girl, she committed suicide last night

she loves him
but shes going insane
trying to drive the sin away
while the temptation is trying to slither into her mind
and ruin her relationship
as she shakes and peals her skin of her fingers with her nail
knowing nobody can here her silent cries
shes on the edge of temptation
shes loves him with all of her heart and soul
but knowing that sin lingers in this world
shes trying to build a  brick wall around her trust
but knowing temptation slithers through the cracks of the wall
to inject the sins into her heart
to poison it with temptation
as she tries to fight them off
the poison makes her weaker and weaker everyday
while her wall is starting to collapse
she starts to cry while she cant push the sin off her
but sin makes her feel relief, safe and loved
as shes falls for the sins scheme
and runs away with sin
knowing she left behind her heart and soul  
her mind runs away with temptation
her lover watches her escape with  tears rolling down his eyes
knowing he felt like he wasn't good enough because
this wouldn't have happened if only he filled in her brick wall with more cement

I hate the fact that I can be living my best life
and still you cross my mind time to time
I know its getting worse because its to the point that
everything reminds me of you

Even though the blade left gashes on my body
within the wounds told my story which bloomed my future

I'm in love with you.....

NO......your not
You are not in love with me....
Your only in love with the idea of who you want me to be....
And that's not me ....

"You can't love someone until you love yourself"

Before I thought this statement wasn't true but only because I was in love
and what that relationship made me realize is that this statement is so true.

you can't love someone until you love yourself because if you don't love yourself and get into a relationship you are going to rely on their love and convince yourself that you love yourself to because you love them and they love you. But if they were to leave you are going to fall apart because you relied on them for self love and happiness.
That's why before you get into any relationship you need to know your worth.

I'm sorry its really hard
I'm sorry that its hard for me to  love you
I never been in love
all I gave was love
and all they did was take it away from me
and left

Today is the day that we officially..... broke up
It just doesn't feel ..real?
I cried my eyes out ...more than a water fall can cry
then the pain stopped because I'm in a stage of disbelief
But its going to hit in the morning for sure
I'm not going to lie
I had doubts , yes I did
but it was only because I was scared...
scared of someone actually loving me
I just didn't want that to all go away
I feel nothing right now...is that bad?
But he's the one who left , technically
he didn't say it to me but I read it between the lines of his messages
I know he wanted to...he was afraid to be in the category I have for the boys that are considered like everyone else
Its sad to let go the hand of your other half
and watch him disappear in the past behind you
He questioned my love for him and I did to
But last night was the night I realized that I love him more than I thought I did
I guess you really don't know how much you truly love something until its gone
I also realized how much I took him for granted
While I was taking a shower I just let the memories of us drown me
like the time he kissed all of my insecurities
or when we both celebrated together on how I'm going to get myself together
and the first time he slept over
and the first time....he came over my house because ...I said I was crying
and that was the day....we started
I guess I didn't really understood how much he loved me until I took that gloomy and lonely shower
I never felt alone when I was with him
I felt like thats all I really needed to be honest
But I ******* up my fairy tale once again.
Your probably wondering why am I writing on here when I just got dumped
but its because I don't know how to express my feelings.....and writing is the way I could...writing helped me for most of the parts of my life
But I guess Im writing to say......love your partner as they come and just love.
I also want to be raw with you to show you not every relationship is perfect and this is not the end...

Dear Mommy ,

I'm with a sweet guy now mama
he buys me things
takes me out to eat and makes me laugh

but sometimes he yells at me then says sorry
he's verbally abusive but he says he loves me
sometimes he makes fun of my insecurities but then says he's joking

but I love him mama
I don't know what to do

I learned this all from you mama

remember when you use to mentally abuse me then buy me things
remember when you use to make fun of me and said you were just kidding
remember when you use to hit me then said you loved me

I dont know what love is mama
all I know is what you taught me

I give him chances because even though he hurts me
he still loves me
just like you mama you hurt me but I know you love me

right?

She called herself fat
I questioned why ?
first of all why do you feel bad about yourself?
she said I just do
well let me tell you
their cant be no other reason besides SOCIETY
because if you think about it
you would of been fine with yourself if it wasn't for someone calling you fat or something
here's 2 examples
Adam and Eve they were both naked and didn't think anything about each other
you didn't hear them saying "oh your fat" or "oh your skinny" NO you didn't
its called acceptance
judgement slipped itself into this world
switch it around maybe if it wasn't ok to be skinny
maybe if being fat was the new trend
people wouldn't see nothing wrong with being fat but they would of saw something wrong with being skinny
when theirs nothing wrong with neither of them
its just society putting labels on people and things
we should love ourselves no matter what
its just these cruel hatred people that want to bring you down
your beautiful no matter what
if you want to be skinny go right ahead but don't let society change you
don't let a guy or a girl change
you don't let NOBODY change you
if you want to change for you, for your health go right a head theirs nothing wrong
with you wanting to improve on yourself but their is something wrong if you letting society change you to be like them, to be the same
the only reason people bring you down is because some people are scared to be themselves because of society
well let me tell you this you have courage if your being yourself
you don't care about what others say
its good to be different then being the same  
one day someone will love you for you
not for you appearances or figure
but for you
before that happens you need to love yourself first
theirs NOTHING wrong with being fat or skinny
REMEMBER THAT
its just society and your mind that makes it seem like their is

She was the girl that loved to draw at night
All her drawings were out of sight
She was most artistic at night in the bathroom
The more she drew, the less space she had, it was going to run out very soon
She kept a secret that no one knew
Not telling anyone, her work grew
Her drawings were like no other, no paper or pen
Shes been drawing since she was ten
Before her friend can leave, he asked if she was ok
That's when she broke down and told him to stay
They sat on the bridge watching the passing cars
She rolled up her sleeves and showed him her scars
regretting her decision, crying not knowing what to say or do
Then he rolled up his sleeves and whispered "Its ok..I draw too"

Give me your all
put your past in my hands
and watch me heal it
and make you look forward
for your future
you don't need to worry anymore
I will set you free
I will turn your cocoon into a butterfly
don't be afraid to show me
who you really are
give me your all
your heart
love
past
present
give me your future
and I'll give my all right back
I promise
but it won't come all together
because of everything bad
that has happened to me
so be prepared
to have my all in
pieces

I was so confused about loving you
So today was the day I had to let you go
Because sometimes you won't truly know
if you really love someone
until you let them go

My master pieces were done on canvas
My body was my canvas
The blade was my paint brush
I always been fond of the color red
Brushing the blade all over my body
Head to toe
My paintings are private
But very valuable
The rich were only allowed to view my paintings
Love and understanding was very rare to have
And those that did have that
got to see the amazing master pieces that I have created
They all have different meanings
Watching the paint drip as I stroke the canvas with the paint brush

I decided to retire
I stopped painting
And the people stopped coming
But it's ok
I'll always still have the work that I have created
The,sweat,blood and tears I put into those paintings
Of course I couldn't get rid of them

They will always be apart of me
And now my art is not private
Its for all to see
To learn
To never become the artist I use to be

So yes I am an artist
well...I use to be

I decided to take a break from my relationship
But I am scared for when my break comes to an end
because its either going to end in up
me being alone
me staying in a relationship confused
or me realizing the **** I'm thinking about is stupid and realizing that I do want to be with him

Thank you for believing in me
Now its my turn to believe in myself

Depression is the key to death

Welcome

seems like you want to apply for this full time job
(he nods and gives a big crescent smile)

Yes.. yes I do

Give me your resume
(he hands it to her)

This is a difficult job I hope you know

I do know that's why I applied

Many guys applied and didn't get the job

Well Im not like the rest of these guys

( she looks at him very interested)

Well let me give you a summary of what you will be dealing with

She is small
with big hazel eyes
with a bunch of dots scattered on her cheek and nose
she loves to laugh and smile
Very fiesty
independent and hard working
(pauses)

Thats not bad at all
(he chuckles a little and folds his arms)

Oh, Im not done yet

She has a bunch of insecurities
mentally abused
has been bullied
close to being anorexic
has battle scars
gets anxiety attacks
suffers from depression
needs a lot of reassurance
constantly apologizes
never feels good enough
putting herself down
In a bad environment
she has trauma
cant help but to argue
questions a lot
(she pauses)

Looks at her in disbelief
(stays silent and thinks)

Oh I'm not done yet but I'll stop there
Do you think your ready for this responsibility?

(He sits and thinks for a while then quietly replies)
yes
I am ready because I've always been a fighter and my father taught me to never give up on what I want and I want her. I want to be the man that changes her life around, the man that shows her that life is worth living for, I want to be the man that shows her how beautiful she really is, inside and out, I want to be the man she can trust and run to and has a shoulder to cry on, If I have to tear myself apart just for her to be ok I will do that. I rather break me down if I have to build her up. If we break up I will make sure she walks away happy, walks away ok. I will fight for her till my last breathe and I will never give up on her. I want to be the man she walks down the aisle to meet. I want to be the man to wake up every morning besides her to know how **** lucky I am to have her. I want to be the man she trusts and little by little gives me her all and I give in return. Yes, she might be difficult and very hard to deal with but I know shes worth fighting for. She is not the same like the rest of these girls. I'm not saying this just to say this. ******* is not just coming out of my mouth and thats probably why a lot of guys didnt get hired. I mean what I say. Every word of it and I know I'm going to love her. I already do
(he pauses)

(she stays silent)

(he gets up)
Oh, I have more to say
Now, do you think I am ready for this job?

(she gets up and shakes his hand amd says quietly with her her eyes wattery
and quietly says)
your hired

Its so funny how you can be there for someone that is treating you like ****
But you can't be there for someone who was always there for you
You could be there for him when he needed you the most
But you can't be there for me when I did?
That honestly shows me a lot
That shows me your true colors

I found a way to be happy
grab the knife
slide it across your wrist
until I'm empty inside and out
you say I don't need to do this
to stop
but theres no other way to live but to die
knowing your whole life was a lie
the knife isn't taking my life
the hatred of this world is

I am drowning in my past
but its ok
I can save myself
I can swim to shore
but it feels like forever

I dont want to admit
that I need a hand
but I do

Waves hovering over me
and crashing into me
causing me to sink

the light starts to fade
and the surface starts to become blurry
it felt like everything stopped

please help me....

I thought that was it
until a hand reached into the water
an pulled me out

and who pulled me out was

my future