i'll leave behind a legacy of lengthy love poems
so that no reader could ever tell
     that i've never loved a heart who loved me back

i'll ensure that my body leave behind no bone unbroken
so no anthropologist would ever guess
     that i spent my entire life scared to death

and i'll fill each dusty corner of my tiny little house
with plants and books and trinkets of memories forgotten
so that the coroner could never publish
     how empty i really felt

oh-
          of all words i've ever spoken
    i pray that these will never read broken:

*i will sow this great earth with ideas for blooming
each incapable of death so that no child ever guess
    that i didn't live forever

Open letter, truth or dare
A secret I can't stand to share
This letter will make you upset
but so did all the times when you'd forget
my presence or my birthday -
one happens every day,
and the other's once a year
so the least you could have done
is say "happy birthday," "you look great"
once a year, and once a day
You won't care now and it's too late
But you had to know since you won't stay.

She is somewhere in California
complaining of the heat
and reading letters from her past loves
and the girls she used to see.
And every once in awhile,
I wonder if one's from me--
if she ever sees that postcard
that I sent on March 19th
-aprilxcv

lover calls, lover waits
my lover is without a name
she's tuesday nights, she's southern rain
she's everything my mind won't say
her laugh is loud, her soul is dark
still screeching from a broken heart
and day old jokes, and weekend loves
from just always being bad enough

she'll ask me one more time
just for the sake of love
whether my heart is still open
or if i've had enough
and if i had to guess,
if she asks tonight, i'll say
"i love you cause you know my name"
-aprilxcv

she's endless rain, my hurricane
rustling thoughts and a small-built frame
tearing walls from every heart, house, fence
for enemies and half-made friends

it doesn't take her much to bend
the fragments of my mind, but then
she'll pick them up and play pretend
as if it wasn't me she's in

our carousel, through valleys, hills
a journey with no shoes to fill
she'll take me where she wants to be
whether or not it's good for me

this wandering, this aching love
it makes me feel good and bad enough
and i wouldn't want it any other way
she kills me but i want to stay
-aprilxcv

It's 1pm, she's smiling. I've closed my eyes too many times just from the times she's hurt me--
she never said it'd be alright and now my mind still worries.
She's like another twisting hurricane that I should've known better than to get into,
but now the roads are blocked and the sirens stopped and I'm standing inside the walls I built inside my heart.
She's somewhere on the outside, knocking just to hear one more "I'm sorry,"
trying to get inside or just disarm me.

I spent my days through endless nights just trying to strengthen these walls of mine--
from enemy, from predator, from girl. But as her voice echoes through my veins,
I forget all the things she always says.
I forget myself, my sense, my name.

My walls have cracked - my defense falls -
what looked like stone was another glass house surrounding my pulse
as it beats through every break, every trial and last mistake,
she says she loves me but makes me wait - I'll never feel this way again.
-aprilxcv