You're waiting for their verdict
in mere minutes
you will either smile or cry

In the beginning you had it right
You put so much trust in the people
around you
then  at some point you forgot to trust yourself

You took and you searched
each find for yourself-
was a jab to the weak who depended on you

Now the verdict is called
and silence meets our ears

you know
and I know
life won't be the same

but maybe in some future time
you'll remember to give before you take
and you'll remember to feel for yourself
before you feel for everyone

then you won't depend on a verdict
and a room full of silence

When she was three years old,
they took a hot metal lettering
and placed it against her skin.

She was branded,
labeled for everyone to see.

She whimpered for hours
through the tears and agony,
the word slowly sank in.

Now a man
wants her to trust him.
She hides the word
but she knows he can see.

Its all she's every been,
all she's ever felt,
all she's ever known.

She traces the word,
feels the pain,
as if the steaming metal
was being placed on her flesh
over and over again.

He takes her hand
leads her through the dark.

But in the light
how can she trust him?

She's always going
to be lacking,
always going to be branded
'fatherless'.

I'm scared
And the only way to escape anxiety
is to get rid of the fear.
But I can't,
I'm lacking confidence-
I'm all thoughts but no action.

My father left me
he's gone
I don't know what kind of person he was
I don't know how he would've talked to me
I don't know what his touch would've felt like
I don't know what he would've said to my friends

But I know his absence is the reason
this anxiety lives inside of me

anxiety is not a disease
it is not a condition
it is a feeling

a feeling that can be replaced*

I just wish I overcame it
before it found a comfy
place to call its home

Now I struggle
and old memories
taunt me from afar

Life is moving on
and **** I'm *always scared

I didn't have a voice- theirs were enough
I didn't reach for connections- their touch was enough
I didn't smile at the sun- their happiness took up all of the room
I didn't listen to silly stories- their tales were enough
I was labeled- freak

now their wheeling me away


blue and white lights dance in the street
facing the sky
I listen to their silence- finally
I smile- for myself
I touch my hand to the rhythm of my heart beat- I'm alive
I finally whisper, "I'm free"

he* asked me to remember
but he didn't realize,
our memories are shattered
pieces of glass,
one ***** of the finger- is all it takes
for the blood to show

because he asked
I wanted to

I'd pick up the shards, feel the pain
if only it meant feeling him again

I'd cry, I'd scream, feel the terror
if only it meant never being lonely again

but, I spent months bandaging up
forgetting his silly face

I can't give in

the blackness is demanding
its tearing at my skin
your hand is supposed to be gripping mine
because that's how it goes- how it's meant to be
but you're not here
~
the dark is squeezing, covering my eyes
I can't feel a thing
the air is ricocheting against my throat- it wants out
I've forgotten how to breathe
but, you're not here,
strong arms showing me how it's supposed to go, and gentle touches convincing me it's meant to be
~
darkness is in your place
and every night it returns
reminding me
what we had-
is buried six feet deep with your soul
in a casket, I'll never see
~
and I don't know how it's supposed to go, and I'm not convinced this was meant to be

you don't know the real me
.
.
no one does
and no one will
.
.
I'm always going to hide
I'm always going to lie
.
.
don't waste your time