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Nov 2022 · 1.6k
Mundane
Ankit J Chheda Nov 2022
Wave after wave we rode the highs,
Steadying our footing before the next rise,
It all crashes into laughter and the salty foam,
Time flew by as the clouds framed the setting sun,
Lighting our path as the time came to head back home.

I lived in the fleeting moments loving the rush of being alive,
Forgetting about the dark night that lay over the horizon,
As we crossed the threshold back into our abode,
The interlude ended as the last light receded from the windows,
Leaving me in unattended in the murk of my thoughts.

Unequipped for the blackness that glared at me,
I searched for a glimmer of a forgotten dream,
There was once a fire that shone bright my hopes & ambitions,
Not even embers remain that I may stoke a new flame,
Aimlessly I move through the motions of the daily mundane.

Slowly collapsing under the unbearable weight,
Wishing that I could find meaning in life,
Or give up altogether and end it tonight,
"Why am I even here?" Echoes back at me from the dark,
I fear there is nothing else left for me here.
I have stopped enjoying everything I once used to, like music, reading and spending time with people, I find it hard to continue with work as I am very uninspired in life, unable to create as I once used to be able to, I don't seem to be able to care for anything or anyone now. I am tired.
Jun 2022 · 290
I can't breathe
Ankit J Chheda Jun 2022
I can't breathe,
It's crushing me,
The burden of expectations and disappointments,
I can't breathe,
There's still a long way to go till this misery ends.
Nov 2021 · 623
Dear dad,
Ankit J Chheda Nov 2021
I'm Hurt.
Hurt that I couldn't do anything, do something,
I am sorry father, I am so so sorry,
That I couldn't be my best,
I couldn't be my best for you,
I know I have disappointed you and myself,
Now our time cut short. .
I couldn't say how much I love you,
How much I need your
A pillar of strength and safety net
How pathetic that I selfishly make this about me, even as I try to be honest to you.

Of memories with you I could have had,
That you could see me grow more,
So I can finally give you back even if a fraction of what you have done for me,
Threads and intentions left unfinished,
I am so sorry papa for everything that I did and everything that I didn't,
I keep thinking as you were in this sleep,  
From anaesthetic to eternal. . I keep talking and only hope you hear me

We need you, I need you, please come home,
Please papa, come home
How was it that it turned out to be the last time we met, the last time we spoke,
The last time from home you left,
This finality is so hard to accept,
I don't know how to let goz
I miss you so much papa,
It hurts so much everytime it hits me all over again. .

See you dad, I hope you're in a better place,
You know the doors to your home are always open
Losing my father to covid escalated by other complications has been difficult, to everyone I wish good health and peace.
Aug 2021 · 151
Inspire me
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2021
Cold like a blue breeze,
This lonesome waits to feel,
To feel the warmth of your sun,
Whose light could brighten the dark,
Chasing it away from the farthest reaches inside,
And burn once again the flame that is lost,
A fire of creation to birth wonders
I've lost the ability, or may be the reason to create
The lack of imagination I observe in myself is disturbing, and the funny thing is I'm living a happy life which doesn't excite me as much as misery used to. Ideas come and go, but nothing ever grows into something more that I can put to paper in words or in drawings, almost feeling like I've become the desk on which other ideas can take place.
May 2020 · 147
What do I know?
Ankit J Chheda May 2020
It was but a rising tide than an explosion,
Bringing life to a halt, but still we endure,
Time was always a luxury I couldn't afford,
Now that I have so much of it I fail to be cured,
Cured of this stillness that resides within me,
Courage to create eludes and blankness stares back from the mirror,
Am I just a shadow of who I once was?
Was I once a shadow mistaken for light?
A distant audience to my own mediocre life,
All that I learned goes to waste in the dungeons of my mind,
Everything new spills out for no more can be accommodated within,
Does everyone else too feel bleak like a dying tree?
Is it me who is just dead inside,
So self absorbed and blinded to my surroundings,
Washed in self pity that I can't see what lies at the next step,
Then again why do I believe a word I say,
When this sadness has become my security blanket.
Dec 2019 · 184
Not alchemy
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2019
It felt so close, yet out of reach,
As if getting it would make everything better,
Sure it does in bits and pieces,
When I chose to receive the attention and care I seek from others and myself,
Yet here I am again,
Unable to accept the normalcy of life,
Everything is fine, everything is great,
Still I seek to escape from reality's grasp,
Searching for a non existent memory of myself,
Memory of who I think I should be,
That ideal version which I cannot become,
For I am incomplete,
A  bottomless hole of despair inside me that I thought I could fix,
Constantly swallowing all my joy,  
I hoped that love and companionship will hold my broken pieces so tight,
And reshape me in new light,
Failing to see this not alchemy,
It won't turn my rotting being to gold suddenly.
Until I chose to get better, I will not
Dec 2019 · 215
Coward
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2019
What am I,
When I want to end my misery,
And myself with it?
Or is it when I don't follow through,
Lacking commitment to neither improve,
Nor stopping burdening myself?
Oct 2019 · 158
Coping
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2019
So hard to breathe as the tendrils of anxiety grip my lungs,
Suffocated by memories of my failures and shortcomings,
I think of being calm and reach out to God unsure if there is one,
I try and think of all that is good around me,
Trying to silence the whispers of self doubt and the shouts of despair,
Like trying to change the course of a river that is reluctant,
I reach a place inside where I may introspect,
From a child that was a clean slate and curious of the wonders of its existence,
To now someone who has lost that innocence and vision,
I come to terms with hopes and dreams of the past,
Unburden my present of the high expectations of the child,
I'll never be the the famed person who excelled at everything they did,
I'll never uncover the secrets of this universe nor achieve nirvana,
Perhaps I'll grow having lived life a decent person,
Maybe I'll even have some people care for me in my last hours,
And then as I disintigrate into nothingness my will can live on,
In the atoms and molecules that once made me,
When take shape of someone else who might accomplish all the miracles I could not,
There is peace inside me now.
Jan 2019 · 471
Blossom, like a flower
Ankit J Chheda Jan 2019
A seed in a field of seeds I lived,
Coming of age or so to be believed,
Enduring the weather's moods as it ambiently shaped existence,
The rains came and rinsed,
The cold's loneliness pierced,
The heat that got exhaustingly fierce,
But none prepared me for when you came,
A nurturing and kindness radiating flame,
Even the Sun never quite succeeded in unfolding the entangled mess I've become,
You make me leave my inhibitions and blossom.
The depression, the pain, the self loathing, she makes me strive past it, can't help but feel like I'm growing into a better version of myself, the only thing I can think of that describes this feeling was that I am blossoming.
Dec 2018 · 463
My wonder woman
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2018
She brings happiness in places I never knew it existed,
She stays when I'm bathed in self-loathing and pity,
Nursing me back to a reality she makes bearable,
She saves me from drowning in the sorrows of depression,
She protects me from myself in the darkness of my mind,
She's all this and so much more I didn't know I needed,
I'm so madly in love with this woman and I want to tell her every waking moment,
The crazy thing is she doesn't even need to hear me say it,
And I know she loves me back
Aug 2018 · 315
Fear
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2018
Riding the crest of a wave of happiness,
I imagine it as a wave for I expect to crash,
It's not been so fun being me some times,
Surrounded by people but alone in my head,
Either soaring the skies or fighting the urge to give up,
Never sure whom to let in for they may leave some day,
Or may be I might make a mistake and drive them away,
In one of the rare moments of certainty you came in,
Certainty that I want to put my trust in you,
To hold your hand as if it we always belonged,
I've been waiting for a long, long time for us to happen,
An anchor in the chaos of my thoughts.

And then when the thought of losing you presents itself,
Despite it being nothing to worry about,
I still worry because I want you,
May be I might need you too,
Fearing falling to pieces if something were to happen to keep us apart,
I'm not sure what I'd do, would I go mad?
In silences I find myself thinking about you,
Missing you, my thoughts asking you to stay,
All these feelings they rise up to my chest,
But they never take words,
Afraid I might be asking too much,
Afraid this wave might crash.
Aug 2018 · 202
Incomplete writing
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2018
Pieces of my self scattered across the floor,
From a fear induced by an inability to live,
Gathering all my strength to wake up another day,
Hoping a nightmare doesn't ******* away,
Anxiety is a cruel curse I am blessed with,
Forever grateful to those who pick up my pieces,
Put me back together like it was nothing,
The rabbit hole of madness chases to consume everything.
Aug 2018 · 194
Socializing
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2018
I'm taken aback sometimes,
When people express interest in my company,
Because I don't in my head
Jan 2018 · 334
Wonderful you
Ankit J Chheda Jan 2018
Come with me, let's take a walk down your favourite street,
We'll laugh and reminisce and get your favourite ice-cream,
You'll show me the places you plundered as a child,
Where you scraped your knees and wept a little a while,
With tales of mischief and fears and laughter and sadness,
I'll be mesmerized by your innocence and kindness,
The kindness the world and it's people tried to rob of you,
Your excitement witness of the magic of how there was nothing you couldn't do,
I swear in the moment, it will all be true!
Nov 2017 · 350
Pondering
Ankit J Chheda Nov 2017
We sometimes do unforgiveable things,
Some regrettable, and the best we can do,
Is live with them.
Oct 2017 · 423
Consequences
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2017
What's going to happen to me?
Did I do things right, or were they mistakes?
Our decisions have consequences, some desirable,
Others not so much, may be it is over analysis of my life,
May be I'm awaiting an awakening.
Oct 2017 · 299
Looking for something
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2017
Many of us begin to feel lost,
There comes a moment in our lives,
When we look in the mirror and try,
Try to understand who it is that is staring back at us,
Who it is that stares back from the reflection,
Question everything about our lives,
Are we who we thought we are?
Asking, "who are we?"
The hunt starts to find our place in the world,
To find ourselves.
To each there is our own truth,
I found mine and I know you will too,
The key is to not over think things,
Because sometimes the best explanation is that which is right in front of us,
Believe, that the pieces will fall into place,
Every failure, every heartbreak, every death, all things you wanted and did not get,
They're all meaningless, and they all mean something,
For they defined you, they made you who you are today,
Life just happens, and we can all but go along,
And you my dear friend, will find what you're looking for.
Oct 2017 · 472
I see you
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2017
As sure as the earth beneath our feet the sun rises,
Let it come, let it bring another day full of unknowns,
Like every other you've spent becoming you,
Growing and making decisions, being bent and broken.  
But have I told you lately how much you mean to me?
So full of love and life, beautiful inside and out.
We all had our storms and days of summer,
Your face, your eyes, all the big things and the little that are yours,
All your pieces you carry along on this terrifying journey,
Inspires me to be so much better than I am,
I know you don't know how strong you are,
And that makes you so much better for it.
Stsy kind, for it makes the world a little better,
Be brave so I may look up to always find you,
Keep creating wonderful things for the world is as much to give as it is to receive,
Because this is what I see when I see you
Happiness inside
Oct 2016 · 3.1k
With you is my home
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2016
I want to promise to build you a castle,
But there are no castles any more,
I want to make you my queen,
But the kingdoms are now countries,
I hoped to make you a house in the suburbs,
With fewer houses we move to urbanity,
Despite my complaints and empty ambitions,
Wherever life takes me, with you is my home.
Oct 2016 · 523
the meaning
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2016
[insert definition]
Jul 2016 · 1.5k
The truth about weakness
Ankit J Chheda Jul 2016
Things aren't going in my favour..

It's like the universe conspires against me

May be I don't deserve her,
May be I am not good enough

What happened? Where did I go wrong?

There is a wall between me and my abilities

I let them down... I let myself down. I don't know what to do

Why?

Why can't I just do this, this one thing?

I don't feel like going out.. I don't want them to see my weakness

I don't want to be happy, because this important thing has become the centre of my universe, and my inability to do this is ruining my self worth

Can I ever be happy?

Can I take this load off my mind, these shackles that make it hard to breathe?

The weight of the world and its responsibilities is slowly killing me

I'll fix it, I'll try and fix it.. Its been three weeks, I know I am late, but I will fix it, even though there are a hundred others things I can get done

I know I can do this, I have done it before.. and yet, there is a lurking fog in my mind that is not letting me think clearly

I wish I could just give everything up

I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be the worthless ******* in the room, in any room. I don't deserve them anyways

I happened to land the job my chance, I don't know if I am good enough for it

Would she ever notice me? .. why would she ever love someone like me?

I think I don't love myself. I don't know how

The night is good.. no people. No one to deal with, no one to remind me of how incompetent I am at life. Escaping

Let me take a nap, I think it'll help sort my thoughts out

... I'll do it later. I'm not in the mood right now, not feeling it

I am scared. I am lonely

I wonder how much easier everyone's life would be, if I just died, or never existed..
From anxiety, depression and self inflicted mental scars. No one should feel like this, no one should have to live feeling like a burden on themselves and others. If you feel like this, please seek help. The world is a wonderful place to be in, and people are very accepting. Love yourself, be kind, and remember, things ALWAYS get better.
Jul 2016 · 1.0k
An adventure
Ankit J Chheda Jul 2016
Let's take a journey to some place new,
Some place with mountains, rivers and the sky blue!
I heard there is a place we know, where trees tickle the clouds,
Where the winds carry an intoxication that makes everything so light,
Come with me on this adventure, we'll jump and skip and climb,
The waters of ice will sooth our bodies, the mist will sooth our souls,
We'll have tea in nature's lap, we will gaze at the stars and know our place in the universe,
It sounds so good I too wondered if this was true,
I have seen with my own eyes and I wondered where it was I had arrived,
Some call it Himachal, some call it the valley of god,
Hot springs with sulphur made me feel like I was made of air,
Every breathe was an appreciation to my being alive,
The people so kind, never in a rush,
It's all true, let's go!
Some amazing experiences I had on my recent trip to Himachal Pradesh. Beautiful and inspiring place :)
Jun 2016 · 501
Disappointment
Ankit J Chheda Jun 2016
Everything bad that can happen will happen,
Every love we seek will be lost some day,
The answers we want will not be found,
The desire of acceptance will not be fulfilled,
Yet some how it occurs every once in a while,
Making it's way to us through traffic,
Look out behind all the disappointments,
The inevitable good is waiting in line.
Jun 2016 · 897
Exceptionally Ordinary
Ankit J Chheda Jun 2016
Excellence, in my humble opinion, is overrated some times,
Critiquing society while being a part of it is a little hypocritical,
Life is often suffocating, making us feel worthless,
Like we have achieved nothing in our lives,
But it takes so much courage and strength to be oneself every day,
Let the stray voices bring you down not be heard
And remember you are who you were born to be,
You didn't have to be able to fly to be my Superman
Jun 2016 · 336
Change
Ankit J Chheda Jun 2016
A part of me that would just sit around,
Knowing that you won't ever call back,
Every once in a while something would remind me of you,
And I'm thrown back in time to when I loved you,
You I don't even want any more, so I'm opening the door,
I'm moving on
Jun 2016 · 363
With you
Ankit J Chheda Jun 2016
Is where I want to be
May 2016 · 422
Monologue
Ankit J Chheda May 2016
Air conditioners and taxis and fake smiles,
Drinking and smoking and everything vile,
An entourage, photographers and this world senile,
Its all so plastic, everyone so greedy, needy and futile,
I feel like the only sane degenerate, trying to make life worthwhile.
May 2016 · 323
Routine (10w)
Ankit J Chheda May 2016
And so another night I take to bed my demons
Apr 2016 · 360
Miracle (10w)
Ankit J Chheda Apr 2016
I keep waiting, even when I know it's not coming.
Another one of my rants stemming from anxiety and depression
Mar 2016 · 520
Stolen/Trust
Ankit J Chheda Mar 2016
I set out of my home with a smile towards the sun,
For today I felt free from the burden of carrying my heart,
The heart that swells at simple things,
A brave explorer that trusts this world.
I smile today knowing my heart is safe behind a lock,
Going about my day like any other,
The emptiness in my chest starts to itch,
My mind trying to feel something, anything.
I tell it I am uncertain if I am strong enough,
That the scars of the past have healed,
Where they stole a part of me like it was nothing.

Like an addict my mind tries to bargain with me,
To feel something but this sterile lack of emotions.
Despite myself I gave in to this urge,
I open the lock and hold my heart in my hands,
And it beats to tell me that it's okay to feel,
That I need not punish myself for their actions,
Though I lost a part of me, I still have the rest,
And as we travel and explore the unknown together,
We will rebuild our soul, better than ever.
Mar 2016 · 404
Whims
Ankit J Chheda Mar 2016
Shimmering like light on water on a summers day,
Or like the galaxy of shards of broken glass,
Your experience is rewarding at times when you don't try so hard to push me away,
At times it pierces my heart.
You didn't love me, true. And then you did your best to make sure it stays that way. Kudos :)
Mar 2016 · 357
Forgotten
Ankit J Chheda Mar 2016
The dust that settles in your heart, my empty home.
I will always remember you, even when you lost my keys
Dec 2015 · 420
Sense
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
Hanging upside down he saw the world,
A world that finally made sense to him -
Not because he was hanging upside down,
But because he understood the straight.
Dec 2015 · 467
Soaring
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
As we lay in a warm embrace,
The sounds enveloped our beings,
I closed my eyes for I feared it would end,
For I feared you'll want to leave at some point,
My thoughts couldn't decide if it was real,
When suddenly you held me closer,
I opened my eyes to make sure you're okay...
When did we leave the ground?
Your racing heart belied your excitement,
A silly smile dawned my face,
Your love so strong gave me wings
Dec 2015 · 472
Late Night Songs About You
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
Turning over sleepless in bed,
Looking at the watch as it strikes 3,
Too late to sleep, too early to be awake,
What else is there to do?
So I get up to make coffee,
Put on some music.

It must be the wee hours,
Or that lonely car passing by,
An idle thought of you hooked me on,
Sitting by the window,
Watching the skies for dawn break,
And suddenly I miss you,
Morning coffee is always better with two,

I know I'm silly,
For every song that plays,
Every croon of adoring I hear,
Feels like all the love songs
Are about you.

They speak of beautiful eyes,
Like yours I get lost in,
Smiles to melt the heart,
Watching you like nothing else exists,
The sun exists to praise you,
And I to forever be yours,
These late night songs about you,
They're all true.
One of the more amateur writings I came up with in a while? I feel it's terrible, but incidentally accurate in what I wanted to say. Feel free. To laugh it off :P
Dec 2015 · 366
So beautiful (10w)
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
Your perfection momentarily tempted me to believe in god's existence
Dec 2015 · 337
Turned away 10w)
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
I sat nervously gazing elsewhere, unsure if I deserve you
Dec 2015 · 385
Look here (10w)
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
I made a special place for you in my world
If you only knew that the sun needs you to help it light the sky
Dec 2015 · 362
These days (10w)
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2015
The only place you'll find me is in my dreams.
Nov 2015 · 516
Inside out
Ankit J Chheda Nov 2015
So strange that the most obvious emotions elude us,
Leaving us looking for answers outside.
Answers we try to find in others, their approval, in songs we hear, in books we read, seeing what we wish to be, blind to what we are... Like the time I searched for my answers in you, until I learned to see within.
Oct 2015 · 495
Naked
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2015
It is the hardest thing,
To undo myself piece by piece,
As I make space inside me,
But how do I let them go,
These opinions and memories I gathered,
Those little beliefs that I once thought define me,
I still try, fighting inside to let go,
To break the comfort zone,
Until I am naked again,
Bare to the world,
Erasing old scars to make way for new,
Running a mile in my new shoes.
Oct 2015 · 375
I wonder
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2015
I'm thinking of you, do you think of me too?
Oct 2015 · 344
Incomplete
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2015
Lost on a journey without a destination,
One that was a search but not an adventure,
You are gone and I know not where to be,
Here we leave our incomplete story
Oct 2015 · 387
3 stages
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2015
I went from wanting you,
To loving you,
To needing you.
Sep 2015 · 361
Miscalculation
Ankit J Chheda Sep 2015
The mistake I made was thinking that I have time.
Sep 2015 · 399
restless
Ankit J Chheda Sep 2015
My thoughts wander without destination
At three a.m. in the night,
I wish they'd come home,
For it feels like I haven't slept in years,
And have forgotten the pleasure
Of watching the sun rise.
Sep 2015 · 363
ways
Ankit J Chheda Sep 2015
I guess I'm trying to say good bye,
For I may never return...
Aug 2015 · 439
Ageing
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2015
Getting weathered,
Either into a mountain standing tall,
Or a valley in a crowd of mountains,
Am I the river defining roles,
Or the sea accumulating everything the land throws?
Aug 2015 · 893
Everything you mean to me
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2015
Don't make me live without you
I didn't write this line, just thought of the title. I heard it somewhere. It broke my heart, and incredibly summed up all my feelings in one line.
Aug 2015 · 344
And again
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2015
Tonight I'm having fun,
And I miss you,
Like a sunflower misses the sun
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