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It was but a rising tide than an explosion,
Bringing life to a halt, but still we endure,
Time was always a luxury I couldn't afford,
Now that I have so much of it I fail to be cured,
Cured of this stillness that resides within me,
Courage to create eludes and blankness stares back from the mirror,
Am I just a shadow of who I once was?
Was I once a shadow mistaken for light?
A distant audience to my own mediocre life,
All that I learned goes to waste in the dungeons of my mind,
Everything new spills out for no more can be accommodated within,
Does everyone else too feel bleak like a dying tree?
Is it me who is just dead inside,
So self absorbed and blinded to my surroundings,
Washed in self pity that I can't see what lies at the next step,
Then again why do I believe a word I say,
When this sadness has become my security blanket.
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2019
It felt so close, yet out of reach,
As if getting it would make everything better,
Sure it does in bits and pieces,
When I chose to receive the attention and care I seek from others and myself,
Yet here I am again,
Unable to accept the normalcy of life,
Everything is fine, everything is great,
Still I seek to escape from reality's grasp,
Searching for a non existent memory of myself,
Memory of who I think I should be,
That ideal version which I cannot become,
For I am incomplete,
A  bottomless hole of despair inside me that I thought I could fix,
Constantly swallowing all my joy,  
I hoped that love and companionship will hold my broken pieces so tight,
And reshape me in new light,
Failing to see this not alchemy,
It won't turn my rotting being to gold suddenly.
Until I chose to get better, I will not
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2019
What am I,
When I want to end my misery,
And myself with it?
Or is it when I don't follow through,
Lacking commitment to neither improve,
Nor stopping burdening myself?
Ankit J Chheda Oct 2019
So hard to breathe as the tendrils of anxiety grip my lungs,
Suffocated by memories of my failures and shortcomings,
I think of being calm and reach out to God unsure if there is one,
I try and think of all that is good around me,
Trying to silence the whispers of self doubt and the shouts of despair,
Like trying to change the course of a river that is reluctant,
I reach a place inside where I may introspect,
From a child that was a clean slate and curious of the wonders of its existence,
To now someone who has lost that innocence and vision,
I come to terms with hopes and dreams of the past,
Unburden my present of the high expectations of the child,
I'll never be the the famed person who excelled at everything they did,
I'll never uncover the secrets of this universe nor achieve nirvana,
Perhaps I'll grow having lived life a decent person,
Maybe I'll even have some people care for me in my last hours,
And then as I disintigrate into nothingness my will can live on,
In the atoms and molecules that once made me,
When take shape of someone else who might accomplish all the miracles I could not,
There is peace inside me now.
Ankit J Chheda Jan 2019
A seed in a field of seeds I lived,
Coming of age or so to be believed,
Enduring the weather's moods as it ambiently shaped existence,
The rains came and rinsed,
The cold's loneliness pierced,
The heat that got exhaustingly fierce,
But none prepared me for when you came,
A nurturing and kindness radiating flame,
Even the Sun never quite succeeded in unfolding the entangled mess I've become,
You make me leave my inhibitions and blossom.
The depression, the pain, the self loathing, she makes me strive past it, can't help but feel like I'm growing into a better version of myself, the only thing I can think of that describes this feeling was that I am blossoming.
Ankit J Chheda Dec 2018
She brings happiness in places I never knew it existed,
She stays when I'm bathed in self-loathing and pity,
Nursing me back to a reality she makes bearable,
She saves me from drowning in the sorrows of depression,
She protects me from myself in the darkness of my mind,
She's all this and so much more I didn't know I needed,
I'm so madly in love with this woman and I want to tell her every waking moment,
The crazy thing is she doesn't even need to hear me say it,
And I know she loves me back
Ankit J Chheda Aug 2018
Riding the crest of a wave of happiness,
I imagine it as a wave for I expect to crash,
It's not been so fun being me some times,
Surrounded by people but alone in my head,
Either soaring the skies or fighting the urge to give up,
Never sure whom to let in for they may leave some day,
Or may be I might make a mistake and drive them away,
In one of the rare moments of certainty you came in,
Certainty that I want to put my trust in you,
To hold your hand as if it we always belonged,
I've been waiting for a long, long time for us to happen,
An anchor in the chaos of my thoughts.

And then when the thought of losing you presents itself,
Despite it being nothing to worry about,
I still worry because I want you,
May be I might need you too,
Fearing falling to pieces if something were to happen to keep us apart,
I'm not sure what I'd do, would I go mad?
In silences I find myself thinking about you,
Missing you, my thoughts asking you to stay,
All these feelings they rise up to my chest,
But they never take words,
Afraid I might be asking too much,
Afraid this wave might crash.
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