Wave after wave we rode the highs,
Steadying our footing before the next rise,
It all crashes into laughter and the salty foam,
Time flew by as the clouds framed the setting sun,
Lighting our path as the time came to head back home.

I lived in the fleeting moments loving the rush of being alive,
Forgetting about the dark night that lay over the horizon,
As we crossed the threshold back into our abode,
The interlude ended as the last light receded from the windows,
Leaving me in unattended in the murk of my thoughts.

Unequipped for the blackness that glared at me,
I searched for a glimmer of a forgotten dream,
There was once a fire that shone bright my hopes & ambitions,
Not even embers remain that I may stoke a new flame,
Aimlessly I move through the motions of the daily mundane.

Slowly collapsing under the unbearable weight,
Wishing that I could find meaning in life,
Or give up altogether and end it tonight,
"Why am I even here?" Echoes back at me from the dark,
I fear there is nothing else left for me here.

I can't breathe,
It's crushing me,
The burden of expectations and disappointments,
I can't breathe,
There's still a long way to go till this misery ends.

I'm Hurt.
Hurt that I couldn't do anything, do something,
I am sorry father, I am so so sorry,
That I couldn't be my best,
I couldn't be my best for you,
I know I have disappointed you and myself,
Now our time cut short. .
I couldn't say how much I love you,
How much I need your
A pillar of strength and safety net
How pathetic that I selfishly make this about me, even as I try to be honest to you.

Of memories with you I could have had,
That you could see me grow more,
So I can finally give you back even if a fraction of what you have done for me,
Threads and intentions left unfinished,
I am so sorry papa for everything that I did and everything that I didn't,
I keep thinking as you were in this sleep,  
From anaesthetic to eternal. . I keep talking and only hope you hear me

We need you, I need you, please come home,
Please papa, come home
How was it that it turned out to be the last time we met, the last time we spoke,
The last time from home you left,
This finality is so hard to accept,
I don't know how to let goz
I miss you so much papa,
It hurts so much everytime it hits me all over again. .

See you dad, I hope you're in a better place,
You know the doors to your home are always open

Cold like a blue breeze,
This lonesome waits to feel,
To feel the warmth of your sun,
Whose light could brighten the dark,
Chasing it away from the farthest reaches inside,
And burn once again the flame that is lost,
A fire of creation to birth wonders

It was but a rising tide than an explosion,
Bringing life to a halt, but still we endure,
Time was always a luxury I couldn't afford,
Now that I have so much of it I fail to be cured,
Cured of this stillness that resides within me,
Courage to create eludes and blankness stares back from the mirror,
Am I just a shadow of who I once was?
Was I once a shadow mistaken for light?
A distant audience to my own mediocre life,
All that I learned goes to waste in the dungeons of my mind,
Everything new spills out for no more can be accommodated within,
Does everyone else too feel bleak like a dying tree?
Is it me who is just dead inside,
So self absorbed and blinded to my surroundings,
Washed in self pity that I can't see what lies at the next step,
Then again why do I believe a word I say,
When this sadness has become my security blanket.

It felt so close, yet out of reach,
As if getting it would make everything better,
Sure it does in bits and pieces,
When I chose to receive the attention and care I seek from others and myself,
Yet here I am again,
Unable to accept the normalcy of life,
Everything is fine, everything is great,
Still I seek to escape from reality's grasp,
Searching for a non existent memory of myself,
Memory of who I think I should be,
That ideal version which I cannot become,
For I am incomplete,
A  bottomless hole of despair inside me that I thought I could fix,
Constantly swallowing all my joy,  
I hoped that love and companionship will hold my broken pieces so tight,
And reshape me in new light,
Failing to see this not alchemy,
It won't turn my rotting being to gold suddenly.

What am I,
When I want to end my misery,
And myself with it?
Or is it when I don't follow through,
Lacking commitment to neither improve,
Nor stopping burdening myself?