I went from wanting you,
To loving you,
To needing you.

There are four seasons,
Winter, summer, rain and,
When I fall in love with you

Getting weathered,
Either into a mountain standing tall,
Or a valley in a crowd of mountains,
Am I the river defining roles,
Or the sea accumulating everything the land throws?

Always seeking for the right love,
Pursuing the right life,
Wishing for stars and things higher above,
Guess I was never meant for that kind of story,
Too stubborn to give up what I saw as perfect for me,
I know I was right, may be they were wrong,
Or just misplaced at that moment,
Chasing dreams and desires of being something more,
Who knew it was so simple as getting a heart for what I got,
A heart that can beat through anything.

Eyes opened to a new world,
Limbs moving in excitement of life,
Light, it feels so good,
It feels good to feel,
This world around,
What is old, what is new,
Nothing means anything,
Everything just is,
I am born.

The light shows me my makers,
The dark puts me to sleep,
I know not what fear is,
I know not what evil means,
Pure, impure, good, bad,
These words I am being taught,
I laugh when I am happy,
I cry when I am not,
Everything is so big,
So vast and open,
I don't need anything but my parents' love.

I grow up to learn all that I was not,
I am taught good, selflessness, love, happiness, patience,
By being shown what is bad, selfish, hatred and sadness, anger,
The world around me is made on the planet called earth,
Ignorant of the world outside,
What are friends, enemies? What is there to fight for?
I am a man, a being, I am given this existence,
I am given this world,
When did the world come to dominate me?

I have a child in my arms,
I wish to show him a free world,
I remember who I was when I was born,
Not a name, not a job, not a son, not a husband, not a friend, not afraid,
I knew not what fear was,
The world is mine to have,
Where it places me is irrelevant,
I am a being, in my birth I accept,
All that makes us human continues.

I wake in every day light,
In the after memory of us last moonshine,
Falling asleep slowly in each other’s words,
You weren’t familiar with what I felt,
Smiling to the thread of memory,
As you wake up to my chattering you smile back,
And I wonder if I could just tell you how much I love you now,
There seemed no words to be said,
The glimmer in your eyes,
Told me all that I needed to make me feel the lightness,
Of the safety of having you,
Like it made everything all right

I reached out, but the stars are too far away

Let's take a journey to some place new,
Some place with mountains, rivers and the sky blue!
I heard there is a place we know, where trees tickle the clouds,
Where the winds carry an intoxication that makes everything so light,
Come with me on this adventure, we'll jump and skip and climb,
The waters of ice will sooth our bodies, the mist will sooth our souls,
We'll have tea in nature's lap, we will gaze at the stars and know our place in the universe,
It sounds so good I too wondered if this was true,
I have seen with my own eyes and I wondered where it was I had arrived,
Some call it Himachal, some call it the valley of god,
Hot springs with sulphur made me feel like I was made of air,
Every breathe was an appreciation to my being alive,
The people so kind, never in a rush,
It's all true, let's go!

Tonight I'm having fun,
And I miss you,
Like a sunflower misses the sun

Because when you're here, I have got nothing to fear

Push and pull they play,
Water crashing ashore
Bursting into foam,
A silent murmur calling,
Calling for embrace
We leave footsteps in the sand,
The waves wash the ties away,
Playing in water like we belong,
Embracing the sea, as it toys with us,
Pushing us out, pulling us in,
Swallowing the sun.

We all look for an audience to our life,
Some form of record in memory,
To be remembered after we are gone.

Sometimes I am right,
Sometimes I am wrong,
I may not admit to you,
But I am not blind
To my mistakes.
I live with them everyday.

Such is the fate that defines,
I have all I need, not what I want,
I will still laugh it off,
Tell myself I’m not the only one lonely,
It happens to everyone sometime,
Then I feel to me it happens every other time,
Unable to hate everything despite being in silent misery,
I’m afraid I will get used to it,
Where the world doesn’t stop without you,
But it’s not the same as with you,
In glints of light I imagine your eyes sparkle,
But then everything I call beautiful,
Reminds me of you.

I was selfless in my love for you,
I made the mistake of desiring you,
I thought I didn’t need you,
I traced the faultline between me and you,
I wanted to free from the mess that trapped you,
I still sometimes reside in a residue of you,
I sometimes let it dissolve and break free from you,
I sit and ponder on how your love meant everything when I never gave it to you,
I still smile when I think of you.

Pretending for so long,
I guess I forgot to live.
Can't say where it all failed,
When I got used to the despair,
Staying awake searching for myself in the dark,
Sleeping off the day light,
Am I broken?
Or just without direction?
Voices in my head tempting me,
To escape to fantasy,
Living wasn't supposed to hurt so much,
Be such a burden...
There is no reset button.
I stopped learning with this saturation.
Its time to wake up and take the blame.

A seed in a field of seeds I lived,
Coming of age or so to be believed,
Enduring the weather's moods as it ambiently shaped existence,
The rains came and rinsed,
The cold's loneliness pierced,
The heat that got exhaustingly fierce,
But none prepared me for when you came,
A nurturing and kindness radiating flame,
Even the Sun never quite succeeded in unfolding the entangled mess I've become,
You make me leave my inhibitions and blossom.

I want to tell you my secrets,
I know you will keep them with care,
Until the day you give them back.

Because you're not mine to have.

That you believe too, I see that world beginning to take shape.

A part of me that would just sit around,
Knowing that you won't ever call back,
Every once in a while something would remind me of you,
And I'm thrown back in time to when I loved you,
You I don't even want any more, so I'm opening the door,
I'm moving on

Reflection of a million stars,
From shards of glass from a broken window,
Where the children lost their ball at play.

Open my eyes to the sound of my favourite song, the soft sunlight through the curtains playing with my consciousness, I smile lightly as I’m greeted awake. I walk without a shower to the balcony, light myself a cigarette, with a coffee in the other hand. As the cold wind blows on my face, I read the word on the cigarette: Classic

Its all a vivid blur,
You danced,
There was surely some cake,
And a lot to drink!
A drink became 4 and I lost count
(Not that I'd admit to the number)
By the end there was spirit and happiness,
We didn't care for tomorrow,
There was us and the night,
May be it was the liquor,
But I was smiling,
As I passed out on your bed,
Closed my eyes and breathed in.

Every sunrise brings an opportunity,
Every sunset a sense of well being,
For I have conquered another day,
The trail I leave behind on this world,
Is but a sum of my actions,
Through joy of being cared for,
Through suffering loss of dear ones,
Through pain of of love,
I grow compassionate towards fellow humans,
Everyone has their story,
We all share this bundle of emotions,
I love you not for some casual cause,
I love you, because of what you bring to my world.

I will see you through the window,
Living your life in your freedom,
Sure I'll wave to you from time to time,
But I'll never show you my misery,
Trapped in bubble of loneliness,
Depriving myself of anything but your memories.

From our birth we travel,
To our home,
To school,
With family and friends,
Discovering new places,
In the process discovering ourselves,
From mountains and continents,
Across the oceans we shot for the moon,
Soaring through the skies,
One day we may journey to a another planet,
We endure, till we travel to our graves.
Forward is the only direction,
So keep walking,
Towards to our future.

What's going to happen to me?
Did I do things right, or were they mistakes?
Our decisions have consequences, some desirable,
Others not so much, may be it is over analysis of my life,
May be I'm awaiting an awakening.

I tried to show you how much I care, if I could only make you understand that you’re perfect the way you are, nothing else of you I would ever ask, except that be by my side, a presence that makes it easier when life gets hard. You see what I mean, you know what I intend, behind my every action, and you say you want to love me back, but there’s someone who took your heart and forgot to give it back… I’m ready to do that for you too, to console you and be there when you need me, but you don’t let me be there, and I’m left with this affection going to waste and longing for a hand to come console me. Love like a video game in the console of my heart, I loose every time it seems, and every time it tells me “TO CONTINUE PRESS START”

So hard to breathe as the tendrils of anxiety grip my lungs,
Suffocated by memories of my failures and shortcomings,
I think of being calm and reach out to God unsure if there is one,
I try and think of all that is good around me,
Trying to silence the whispers of self doubt and the shouts of despair,
Like trying to change the course of a river that is reluctant,
I reach a place inside where I may introspect,
From a child that was a clean slate and curious of the wonders of its existence,
To now someone who has lost that innocence and vision,
I come to terms with hopes and dreams of the past,
Unburden my present of the high expectations of the child,
I'll never be the the famed person who excelled at everything they did,
I'll never uncover the secrets of this universe nor achieve nirvana,
Perhaps I'll grow having lived life a decent person,
Maybe I'll even have some people care for me in my last hours,
And then as I disintigrate into nothingness my will can live on,
In the atoms and molecules that once made me,
When take shape of someone else who might accomplish all the miracles I could not,
There is peace inside me now.

What am I,
When I want to end my misery,
And myself with it?
Or is it when I don't follow through,
Lacking commitment to neither improve,
Nor stopping burdening myself?

I’m trying hard to hear what you say,
But I’m busy being afraid that in every glance you make,
My racing heart be betrayed to you,
To you I’m hanging on,
I’m hanging on to your every word,
Cuz for you I’m falling,
I’m falling for you and getting crushed,
Where this will go in time, I don’t know,
I don’t know, in time if you’ll know, where I want us to go,
I don’t know if you’ll be mine,
Or I’ll let you forget there is a me you know

Every Morning it’s a new day,
Sometimes a continuation of yesterday,
Things from the past lingering at bay,
New events about to occur every way,
Initially there’s time for fun and play,
Then for the same as we work we crave,
Sometimes confused of what is happening,
Confused about what we want,
But questioning about what we are doing,
We keep moving ahead,
Trying to solve our existence every day.

On Monday I started to write a song,
The afternoon spent lazing around,
Memories of the Sunday night,
Like a hangover hanging around,
I close my eyes for a moment,

As I always feel the day slipping away,
Before I know it Tuesday is on,
I start to put down words,
But the end won’t come to my mind,

And I know the day is slipping away
For Wednesday has come now,
I feel the wakening of the doer inside of me,
I sit down with my pen and paper,
With the t.v. switched on besides me,

Oh I know the day has slipped away,
Now at the centre of the week I’m on Thursday,
I start for one last time,
But I know I won’t finish for the next 2 days,

And I wrote dad a dum da beep pada,
And I’m not surprised for the day has slipped away,
And I begin my weekend on the Friday,
Hanging around my incomplete song,
Just 5 words on the paper,
My head is spinning around,

And floating through time I’m onto the next one,
Its Saturday night I’m partying hard,
Not hard enough for my song undone is weighing me down,
I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about it,
So I try not to think just loose myself in the sound

As I dance to Sunday morning I,
I sleep from sun up to sun down,
Sunday night I’m roaming around,
I know tomorrow’s a new day,
I’m gonna finish that song,

Monday morning, I’m writing a song,
The afternoon spent lazing around,
Memories of the Sunday night,
Like a hangover hanging around,
I close my eyes for a moment,
My life’s slipped past when my eyes were shut,
Now I’ve forgotten what I was writing about,
Back to the start I don’t have another chance,
I curse life, for when I stopped it kept moving on.

This door between us,
I can feel you on the other side.
It pains to know this only hurdle between us,
Deadbolt, I’m locked outside.
I hate to hear your cries there,
I smile when I hear you laugh,
The times I wished I could break it down,
But this lifeless bolt to me won’t answer.
One fear I have, that you hold the key,
And you left me out.
Worst, you lost the key.

I'm Hurt.
Hurt that I couldn't do anything, do something,
I am sorry father, I am so so sorry,
That I couldn't be my best,
I couldn't be my best for you,
I know I have disappointed you and myself,
Now our time cut short. .
I couldn't say how much I love you,
How much I need your
A pillar of strength and safety net
How pathetic that I selfishly make this about me, even as I try to be honest to you.

Of memories with you I could have had,
That you could see me grow more,
So I can finally give you back even if a fraction of what you have done for me,
Threads and intentions left unfinished,
I am so sorry papa for everything that I did and everything that I didn't,
I keep thinking as you were in this sleep,  
From anaesthetic to eternal. . I keep talking and only hope you hear me

We need you, I need you, please come home,
Please papa, come home
How was it that it turned out to be the last time we met, the last time we spoke,
The last time from home you left,
This finality is so hard to accept,
I don't know how to let goz
I miss you so much papa,
It hurts so much everytime it hits me all over again. .

See you dad, I hope you're in a better place,
You know the doors to your home are always open

What hurt more than anything else,
Was seeing you lay there,
And knowing you'll never wake,
With glance at those glassy eyes,
Crept in grief that weighed a ton,
It all crashed down at last,
When the flames consumed everything.

I asked for you,
To melt me
With your fire.
I asked for snow,
To numb the truth,
Instead this December,
The sky gave company to my tears,
Drenched my soul in the rains.

Fear is interesting.
It strengthens some.
Makes some irrational.
Cripples me in my tracks.
I fear, that I am not good enough.
Not for others, for myself.

There is an uncertainty that resides within,
Where meaning should be,
Forehead weighed down by a frown,
Where bliss should be,
A dampened spirit lies in wake,
Where belief should be,
Escaping the world,
The world where I should be,
Looking away from what is,
Looking for where I would like to be,
There is ignorance at purpose,
Where doing should be,
There is a Depression,
Where life should be.

I wish it would mean something to you,
When I say you are the best thing to happen to me.

Everything bad that can happen will happen,
Every love we seek will be lost some day,
The answers we want will not be found,
The desire of acceptance will not be fulfilled,
Yet some how it occurs every once in a while,
Making it's way to us through traffic,
Look out behind all the disappointments,
The inevitable good is waiting in line.

Shivers ran down my spine,
As I heard the song play,
Goosebumps tingled on my skin,
With the crowd we sway,
In the euphoria of having you besides,
Dancing I want the night to stay,
Have I gone mad?
So this is pure ecstasy

We talked in silence,
We talked of memories,
Of how it felt when yours touched my skin,
We promised we would never fall apart,
Yet somehow,
The distances and spaces between grew to a whole life.

From a seedling to a tree,
My love for you grows free,
Through the storm of loneliness,
Through gloomy skies of emptiness,
Waiting the warmth of your sun,
Hoping some day we'll be one,
Is it pathetic that after all this time,
I think of you every spare moment?
Or is I just that I am in love with the idea of you,
And don't really want you?
May be I will never know,
The truth still remains,
I'll spend my days wanting you,
Wasting time I could be happier.

It was cold city night,
The hours with sounds dying,
It seemed life had escaped,
To the other side of the world,
I rocked for hours with my child in my hands,
I dreamt about her life to come,
Like I often did,
A little eased at the fever subsided.
As I slipped into the clutches of sweet slumber,
My head slumped down,
In what seemed like a blink of an eye,
My head swung up to search the sky,
Where the gold of the sun
Seemed to chase away the night,
But there was something not right,
The morning seemed to bring a sense of change,
Not of the good kind.
As I felt my child, burning up like the coming sun,
I hurried my way to the physician,
Like a saint he answered to my prayer,
Asked me to wait behind while he tried to cure my life,
I never realized until he gave me the handkerchief,
That with my baby I’d been crying,
Her cries echoing foul against my ears,
I’m hurting as much on my helplessness
To take care of my child,
Who is part of my flesh,
Part of my being on the verge of...
Part of my being that I brought to life.
I began to sing to my baby a lullaby,
“Don’t cry my child, I’m here right by you,
For you I sing this lullaby, so you may fall asleep.
In the moonshine, your face glows,
You look like the princess
A queen you’ll grow up into,
Leave me someday for your king,
But till then be with me always,
Even when you learn to walk,
My child, so I can fulfill your wishes,
So you’ll remember me always,
So I can protect you till your king comes,
So I can teach you to walk and run.
Don’t cry, you make me cry too,
Sleep now my child, tomorrow
We’ll begin anew, for you’re alright,
This discomfort will pass… Oh look!
It’s already morn, the sun shines bright!
I see you’d fallen asleep,
While I kept dreaming on,
Open your eyes my child,
A new day has come.
As I finish, I realize that you stopped crying,
But to my plea, you never opened your eyes.

I had a dream last night,
It was just the blue sky,
It lowered on to me,
Made me think I could fly,
I didn’t understand what was happening,
Somewhere I think I wouldn’t,
Then there was a rush,
A sequence of blurs familiar,
Images familiar yet new,
Why they were more colourful and brighter,
I wish I knew.
Suddenly I woke up,
And realized I was never asleep.

From the time I fell for you,
I knew to me you meant something more,  
Like your every little thing I've come to adore,
By my side, you are a strength I lack alone,
Having known your grace,
Without you is all but an existence.
Of late I realise I tend to live in an illusion,
Like how I put you on a pedestal,
When all you wanted was to be by my side,
I regret to think I was wrong about being right,
I do keep hurting you, don't I?
This sparse acknowledgement you make of my existence,
Will always remind me to look before I fall again.

In my happiest moments I think of you,
To share my world with you,
On my sad days I want to protect you from the world,
On your victories I want to make you feel how special you are,
Every day when I wake up I want to tell you how much I love you,
Cherish how I am yours,
Even when you are never mine.

7 billion people on this stupid earth,
The one I want I can’t have,
Even as it keeps spinning making me dizzy,
I realize there is nothing I can say to keep you to me,
I can only say why I love you so much and do with,
Trying to keep count of every moment when in my head you’re in,
I wake up to the thought of you and smile,
As the morning sun blinds my eyes,
Between the times I talk to you and not,
When the big bulb shines bright,
Happens a disturbance called life,
The day slips away into the night as you’re in a dream,
Things not of you melt away,
I linger on the edge of sleep as your memories make my heart beat,
In the dark whispers sound in my sleep,
Each beat is born of something I love about you,
Heartbeats tell their stories of how you steal them from me,
They want you close so the stealing would stop,
So there can be new life in me.

Don't make me live without you