Wave after wave we rode the highs,
Steadying our footing before the next rise,
It all crashes into laughter and the salty foam,
Time flew by as the clouds framed the setting sun,
Lighting our path as the time came to head back home.

I lived in the fleeting moments loving the rush of being alive,
Forgetting about the dark night that lay over the horizon,
As we crossed the threshold back into our abode,
The interlude ended as the last light receded from the windows,
Leaving me in unattended in the murk of my thoughts.

Unequipped for the blackness that glared at me,
I searched for a glimmer of a forgotten dream,
There was once a fire that shone bright my hopes & ambitions,
Not even embers remain that I may stoke a new flame,
Aimlessly I move through the motions of the daily mundane.

Slowly collapsing under the unbearable weight,
Wishing that I could find meaning in life,
Or give up altogether and end it tonight,
"Why am I even here?" Echoes back at me from the dark,
I fear there is nothing else left for me here.

I can't breathe,
It's crushing me,
The burden of expectations and disappointments,
I can't breathe,
There's still a long way to go till this misery ends.

I'm Hurt.
Hurt that I couldn't do anything, do something,
I am sorry father, I am so so sorry,
That I couldn't be my best,
I couldn't be my best for you,
I know I have disappointed you and myself,
Now our time cut short. .
I couldn't say how much I love you,
How much I need your
A pillar of strength and safety net
How pathetic that I selfishly make this about me, even as I try to be honest to you.

Of memories with you I could have had,
That you could see me grow more,
So I can finally give you back even if a fraction of what you have done for me,
Threads and intentions left unfinished,
I am so sorry papa for everything that I did and everything that I didn't,
I keep thinking as you were in this sleep,  
From anaesthetic to eternal. . I keep talking and only hope you hear me

We need you, I need you, please come home,
Please papa, come home
How was it that it turned out to be the last time we met, the last time we spoke,
The last time from home you left,
This finality is so hard to accept,
I don't know how to let goz
I miss you so much papa,
It hurts so much everytime it hits me all over again. .

See you dad, I hope you're in a better place,
You know the doors to your home are always open

Cold like a blue breeze,
This lonesome waits to feel,
To feel the warmth of your sun,
Whose light could brighten the dark,
Chasing it away from the farthest reaches inside,
And burn once again the flame that is lost,
A fire of creation to birth wonders

It was but a rising tide than an explosion,
Bringing life to a halt, but still we endure,
Time was always a luxury I couldn't afford,
Now that I have so much of it I fail to be cured,
Cured of this stillness that resides within me,
Courage to create eludes and blankness stares back from the mirror,
Am I just a shadow of who I once was?
Was I once a shadow mistaken for light?
A distant audience to my own mediocre life,
All that I learned goes to waste in the dungeons of my mind,
Everything new spills out for no more can be accommodated within,
Does everyone else too feel bleak like a dying tree?
Is it me who is just dead inside,
So self absorbed and blinded to my surroundings,
Washed in self pity that I can't see what lies at the next step,
Then again why do I believe a word I say,
When this sadness has become my security blanket.

It felt so close, yet out of reach,
As if getting it would make everything better,
Sure it does in bits and pieces,
When I chose to receive the attention and care I seek from others and myself,
Yet here I am again,
Unable to accept the normalcy of life,
Everything is fine, everything is great,
Still I seek to escape from reality's grasp,
Searching for a non existent memory of myself,
Memory of who I think I should be,
That ideal version which I cannot become,
For I am incomplete,
A  bottomless hole of despair inside me that I thought I could fix,
Constantly swallowing all my joy,  
I hoped that love and companionship will hold my broken pieces so tight,
And reshape me in new light,
Failing to see this not alchemy,
It won't turn my rotting being to gold suddenly.

What am I,
When I want to end my misery,
And myself with it?
Or is it when I don't follow through,
Lacking commitment to neither improve,
Nor stopping burdening myself?

So hard to breathe as the tendrils of anxiety grip my lungs,
Suffocated by memories of my failures and shortcomings,
I think of being calm and reach out to God unsure if there is one,
I try and think of all that is good around me,
Trying to silence the whispers of self doubt and the shouts of despair,
Like trying to change the course of a river that is reluctant,
I reach a place inside where I may introspect,
From a child that was a clean slate and curious of the wonders of its existence,
To now someone who has lost that innocence and vision,
I come to terms with hopes and dreams of the past,
Unburden my present of the high expectations of the child,
I'll never be the the famed person who excelled at everything they did,
I'll never uncover the secrets of this universe nor achieve nirvana,
Perhaps I'll grow having lived life a decent person,
Maybe I'll even have some people care for me in my last hours,
And then as I disintigrate into nothingness my will can live on,
In the atoms and molecules that once made me,
When take shape of someone else who might accomplish all the miracles I could not,
There is peace inside me now.

A seed in a field of seeds I lived,
Coming of age or so to be believed,
Enduring the weather's moods as it ambiently shaped existence,
The rains came and rinsed,
The cold's loneliness pierced,
The heat that got exhaustingly fierce,
But none prepared me for when you came,
A nurturing and kindness radiating flame,
Even the Sun never quite succeeded in unfolding the entangled mess I've become,
You make me leave my inhibitions and blossom.

She brings happiness in places I never knew it existed,
She stays when I'm bathed in self-loathing and pity,
Nursing me back to a reality she makes bearable,
She saves me from drowning in the sorrows of depression,
She protects me from myself in the darkness of my mind,
She's all this and so much more I didn't know I needed,
I'm so madly in love with this woman and I want to tell her every waking moment,
The crazy thing is she doesn't even need to hear me say it,
And I know she loves me back

Riding the crest of a wave of happiness,
I imagine it as a wave for I expect to crash,
It's not been so fun being me some times,
Surrounded by people but alone in my head,
Either soaring the skies or fighting the urge to give up,
Never sure whom to let in for they may leave some day,
Or may be I might make a mistake and drive them away,
In one of the rare moments of certainty you came in,
Certainty that I want to put my trust in you,
To hold your hand as if it we always belonged,
I've been waiting for a long, long time for us to happen,
An anchor in the chaos of my thoughts.

And then when the thought of losing you presents itself,
Despite it being nothing to worry about,
I still worry because I want you,
May be I might need you too,
Fearing falling to pieces if something were to happen to keep us apart,
I'm not sure what I'd do, would I go mad?
In silences I find myself thinking about you,
Missing you, my thoughts asking you to stay,
All these feelings they rise up to my chest,
But they never take words,
Afraid I might be asking too much,
Afraid this wave might crash.

Pieces of my self scattered across the floor,
From a fear induced by an inability to live,
Gathering all my strength to wake up another day,
Hoping a nightmare doesn't ******* away,
Anxiety is a cruel curse I am blessed with,
Forever grateful to those who pick up my pieces,
Put me back together like it was nothing,
The rabbit hole of madness chases to consume everything.

I'm taken aback sometimes,
When people express interest in my company,
Because I don't in my head

Come with me, let's take a walk down your favourite street,
We'll laugh and reminisce and get your favourite ice-cream,
You'll show me the places you plundered as a child,
Where you scraped your knees and wept a little a while,
With tales of mischief and fears and laughter and sadness,
I'll be mesmerized by your innocence and kindness,
The kindness the world and it's people tried to rob of you,
Your excitement witness of the magic of how there was nothing you couldn't do,
I swear in the moment, it will all be true!

We sometimes do unforgiveable things,
Some regrettable, and the best we can do,
Is live with them.

What's going to happen to me?
Did I do things right, or were they mistakes?
Our decisions have consequences, some desirable,
Others not so much, may be it is over analysis of my life,
May be I'm awaiting an awakening.

Many of us begin to feel lost,
There comes a moment in our lives,
When we look in the mirror and try,
Try to understand who it is that is staring back at us,
Who it is that stares back from the reflection,
Question everything about our lives,
Are we who we thought we are?
Asking, "who are we?"
The hunt starts to find our place in the world,
To find ourselves.
To each there is our own truth,
I found mine and I know you will too,
The key is to not over think things,
Because sometimes the best explanation is that which is right in front of us,
Believe, that the pieces will fall into place,
Every failure, every heartbreak, every death, all things you wanted and did not get,
They're all meaningless, and they all mean something,
For they defined you, they made you who you are today,
Life just happens, and we can all but go along,
And you my dear friend, will find what you're looking for.

As sure as the earth beneath our feet the sun rises,
Let it come, let it bring another day full of unknowns,
Like every other you've spent becoming you,
Growing and making decisions, being bent and broken.  
But have I told you lately how much you mean to me?
So full of love and life, beautiful inside and out.
We all had our storms and days of summer,
Your face, your eyes, all the big things and the little that are yours,
All your pieces you carry along on this terrifying journey,
Inspires me to be so much better than I am,
I know you don't know how strong you are,
And that makes you so much better for it.
Stsy kind, for it makes the world a little better,
Be brave so I may look up to always find you,
Keep creating wonderful things for the world is as much to give as it is to receive,
Because this is what I see when I see you

I want to promise to build you a castle,
But there are no castles any more,
I want to make you my queen,
But the kingdoms are now countries,
I hoped to make you a house in the suburbs,
With fewer houses we move to urbanity,
Despite my complaints and empty ambitions,
Wherever life takes me, with you is my home.

[insert definition]

Things aren't going in my favour..

It's like the universe conspires against me

May be I don't deserve her,
May be I am not good enough

What happened? Where did I go wrong?

There is a wall between me and my abilities

I let them down... I let myself down. I don't know what to do

Why?

Why can't I just do this, this one thing?

I don't feel like going out.. I don't want them to see my weakness

I don't want to be happy, because this important thing has become the centre of my universe, and my inability to do this is ruining my self worth

Can I ever be happy?

Can I take this load off my mind, these shackles that make it hard to breathe?

The weight of the world and its responsibilities is slowly killing me

I'll fix it, I'll try and fix it.. Its been three weeks, I know I am late, but I will fix it, even though there are a hundred others things I can get done

I know I can do this, I have done it before.. and yet, there is a lurking fog in my mind that is not letting me think clearly

I wish I could just give everything up

I don't want to be with them, I don't want to be the worthless ******* in the room, in any room. I don't deserve them anyways

I happened to land the job my chance, I don't know if I am good enough for it

Would she ever notice me? .. why would she ever love someone like me?

I think I don't love myself. I don't know how

The night is good.. no people. No one to deal with, no one to remind me of how incompetent I am at life. Escaping

Let me take a nap, I think it'll help sort my thoughts out

... I'll do it later. I'm not in the mood right now, not feeling it

I am scared. I am lonely

I wonder how much easier everyone's life would be, if I just died, or never existed..

Let's take a journey to some place new,
Some place with mountains, rivers and the sky blue!
I heard there is a place we know, where trees tickle the clouds,
Where the winds carry an intoxication that makes everything so light,
Come with me on this adventure, we'll jump and skip and climb,
The waters of ice will sooth our bodies, the mist will sooth our souls,
We'll have tea in nature's lap, we will gaze at the stars and know our place in the universe,
It sounds so good I too wondered if this was true,
I have seen with my own eyes and I wondered where it was I had arrived,
Some call it Himachal, some call it the valley of god,
Hot springs with sulphur made me feel like I was made of air,
Every breathe was an appreciation to my being alive,
The people so kind, never in a rush,
It's all true, let's go!

Everything bad that can happen will happen,
Every love we seek will be lost some day,
The answers we want will not be found,
The desire of acceptance will not be fulfilled,
Yet some how it occurs every once in a while,
Making it's way to us through traffic,
Look out behind all the disappointments,
The inevitable good is waiting in line.

Excellence, in my humble opinion, is overrated some times,
Critiquing society while being a part of it is a little hypocritical,
Life is often suffocating, making us feel worthless,
Like we have achieved nothing in our lives,
But it takes so much courage and strength to be oneself every day,
Let the stray voices bring you down not be heard
And remember you are who you were born to be,
You didn't have to be able to fly to be my Superman

A part of me that would just sit around,
Knowing that you won't ever call back,
Every once in a while something would remind me of you,
And I'm thrown back in time to when I loved you,
You I don't even want any more, so I'm opening the door,
I'm moving on

Is where I want to be

Air conditioners and taxis and fake smiles,
Drinking and smoking and everything vile,
An entourage, photographers and this world senile,
Its all so plastic, everyone so greedy, needy and futile,
I feel like the only sane degenerate, trying to make life worthwhile.

And so another night I take to bed my demons

I keep waiting, even when I know it's not coming.

I set out of my home with a smile towards the sun,
For today I felt free from the burden of carrying my heart,
The heart that swells at simple things,
A brave explorer that trusts this world.
I smile today knowing my heart is safe behind a lock,
Going about my day like any other,
The emptiness in my chest starts to itch,
My mind trying to feel something, anything.
I tell it I am uncertain if I am strong enough,
That the scars of the past have healed,
Where they stole a part of me like it was nothing.

Like an addict my mind tries to bargain with me,
To feel something but this sterile lack of emotions.
Despite myself I gave in to this urge,
I open the lock and hold my heart in my hands,
And it beats to tell me that it's okay to feel,
That I need not punish myself for their actions,
Though I lost a part of me, I still have the rest,
And as we travel and explore the unknown together,
We will rebuild our soul, better than ever.

Shimmering like light on water on a summers day,
Or like the galaxy of shards of broken glass,
Your experience is rewarding at times when you don't try so hard to push me away,
At times it pierces my heart.

The dust that settles in your heart, my empty home.

Hanging upside down he saw the world,
A world that finally made sense to him -
Not because he was hanging upside down,
But because he understood the straight.

As we lay in a warm embrace,
The sounds enveloped our beings,
I closed my eyes for I feared it would end,
For I feared you'll want to leave at some point,
My thoughts couldn't decide if it was real,
When suddenly you held me closer,
I opened my eyes to make sure you're okay...
When did we leave the ground?
Your racing heart belied your excitement,
A silly smile dawned my face,
Your love so strong gave me wings

Turning over sleepless in bed,
Looking at the watch as it strikes 3,
Too late to sleep, too early to be awake,
What else is there to do?
So I get up to make coffee,
Put on some music.

It must be the wee hours,
Or that lonely car passing by,
An idle thought of you hooked me on,
Sitting by the window,
Watching the skies for dawn break,
And suddenly I miss you,
Morning coffee is always better with two,

I know I'm silly,
For every song that plays,
Every croon of adoring I hear,
Feels like all the love songs
Are about you.

They speak of beautiful eyes,
Like yours I get lost in,
Smiles to melt the heart,
Watching you like nothing else exists,
The sun exists to praise you,
And I to forever be yours,
These late night songs about you,
They're all true.

Your perfection momentarily tempted me to believe in god's existence

I sat nervously gazing elsewhere, unsure if I deserve you

I made a special place for you in my world

The only place you'll find me is in my dreams.

So strange that the most obvious emotions elude us,
Leaving us looking for answers outside.

It is the hardest thing,
To undo myself piece by piece,
As I make space inside me,
But how do I let them go,
These opinions and memories I gathered,
Those little beliefs that I once thought define me,
I still try, fighting inside to let go,
To break the comfort zone,
Until I am naked again,
Bare to the world,
Erasing old scars to make way for new,
Running a mile in my new shoes.

I'm thinking of you, do you think of me too?

Lost on a journey without a destination,
One that was a search but not an adventure,
You are gone and I know not where to be,
Here we leave our incomplete story

I went from wanting you,
To loving you,
To needing you.

The mistake I made was thinking that I have time.

My thoughts wander without destination
At three a.m. in the night,
I wish they'd come home,
For it feels like I haven't slept in years,
And have forgotten the pleasure
Of watching the sun rise.

I guess I'm trying to say good bye,
For I may never return...

Getting weathered,
Either into a mountain standing tall,
Or a valley in a crowd of mountains,
Am I the river defining roles,
Or the sea accumulating everything the land throws?

Don't make me live without you

Tonight I'm having fun,
And I miss you,
Like a sunflower misses the sun