sometimes
a thing can be
m i n i m a l
to the point
of confusion.

it always hits me
unexpectedly
always a
w a v e
that washes over me
and i let myself
peek inside
your box
in my
mind.
a light
   [a sound]
and i close my eyes and smile
and the tears come
and i have to feel it
because it is all i can do.
and i don't want
to forget.
so i let you
   e
     b
       b
    and f l o w
and i cry and i smile.
and then
try
to close the box
once again.
(but not too tight.)

and when
i think of you.
never on purpose,
and always a mistake,
i want to burn the world to the ground.

oh.
i wish i didn't know about you.

you have ruined me.
this i know in my bones.

i wish i didn't know
    about your **** beautiful face
  the way you move
christ.

no.
i wish i didn't know
it was possible for my heart
  to pound out of tempo with the earth
on its own wild trajectory.

i wish i didn't know
this terror
   of beautiful things
       slipping from my grasp.

this sickening realization
that my life is just
a stack of winters.

the universe cares nothing for me.

but i believe in you
even if you don't believe in me.

i see you
even if you won't see me.

i hear your voice
in my dreams where
   you have taken down walls
  and planted trees with me instead.

oh,
my heart aches not to know about you.

my mind fears
to know of time
    without you.

to have all this space
these colors
these sounds

this love.

as i move through time
  i become more convinced
    there is nothing more.

more frustrated that no one will hear me.

devastated
that you do not believe in me.

[******* guys and your stupid hope]



hope that disintegrates
as quickly as it arrives
is more damaging
than
no
hope
at
all.

today i saw
the saddest girl
sitting in the grass
   parts of her sparkling in the sunlight
  i heard her whisper
*i want to be vapor
    and sink into this earth
move quickly in the ground

i try to keep
you in the periphery,

not anymore
a clear
and present danger.

now an
a w a r e n e s s
of your power
over
     me
remains vigilant.

i feel it
always by
my side,
aware it
could strike
at the
moment
of your
desire.

i can't think
of any
protection
against this.

i don't know
     how
to
   save
          myself

from the you
        in the ether
   at the edge
of the wind.

there is what i call
"typical" or common pain
a stubbed toe
a bee sting
a broken ankle
a broken foot
cramps
a migraine.

then there are
gallbladder attacks,
topped only by
pancreatitis.

i wasn't aware of these other kinds.

pain from the absence of feeling
   where you know feeling should be.

searing, burning, hot fire pain.

sharp, tingling, breathtaking pain.

electric zap pain

overwhelming pressure pain.

deep, constant, rigid spasm pain.

pain that cannot be touched
by anything
other than
unconsciousness.

love is not
a thing
that gives
choices,
it just arrives,
takes you
destroys you.

it has done
nothing but
make a fool
out of me.

knocking me over,
gripping my
cold wretched heart
without mercy.

making me
irrational,
fierce,
defensive,
determined.

unable to
break the spell,
paralyzed by
absolutely ludicrous
beliefs.

-

i deleted all
the music
off my phone
because
storage was
scarce.

but in the dark,
in the rain,
cruising,
comes
sad song playlist
all by itself,
unsummoned,
pushed from
the clouds
back into
my mind,

my chest,
where i feel a
sudden tightening,
a deep,
wrenching
pain.

so i sit
in the driveway
and let it finish,

let the sadness
roll right
into me,
and eyes closed,
tearless,
i dreamt of you.

sometimes the world
seems to have
a lens filter -
saturated greens and
   golds,
muted blues and reds and
the dust is kicked up
into the atmosphere
with little particles
sparkling in the dimming light
of day.

sometimes it's hard
to see so much beauty with
  your own eyes,

and not be able to feel it.

there is only a profound emptiness.

if you’ve never felt
absolutely
    e x c r u c i a t i n g
maddening
         \breathless\
pleasure...
      then i’m not sure
what exactly
  you are doing with your life.

(indigo)

sister is about to blow.
tolerance of ******* has
    h i t
an all-time
l
o
w.

i tried to imagine instantly  
  the cheapest item at the cheapest
store that i would
genuinely be excited to purchase
if it was the last dollar
i could scrape up

and the immediate reply was
bound
blank
white
paper.

I'm seeing all these
people having
a sad
about the
women's march.

yikes. thought you guys were tough.

didn't know that a knitted kitty kat hat was so terrifying and offensive to people who don't believe in political correctness. So sad!

if it were 1989
   i think i would call
the radio station and request a song
for you
     my cherie amour
how i wish that you were mine

if i could conjure
   the appropriate bombs
to d
       r
        o
           p
               on you
everyone would hear
the
**| boom! | boom!| boom!

"Yes, I am outraged. Yes, I have thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House ... but I choose love," Madonna said from the main stage area near the National Mall.

"I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters," Trump said.

Don't worry guys, he doesn't mean anything he says. He's so super funny. He's cool, guys.

But you better watch out for that Madonna. That woman will destroy the White House with her love.

the anticipator
  the modulator
the race car driver
and the quiet insider
brrrm
     brrrm
  shush

every time
i approach
| peak | a w a r e n e s s |
of this thing
this life
this reality...

fuzziness focused
by the
aperture of my mind and -

the universe conspires
to push.
      me.    
  back.
        down.