I have said
I’m sorry
So many
Times
So many different
Ways
That once upon a time my mouth forgot how to make other shapes
And I’ve had to work on rebuilding
Brick by brick
So many times that I fear this red clay
Will never leave my nails
And I promised that I would better at
Anticipating
So that I could break the windows of this home before anyone else had a chance to even pick up a stone
Once upon a time I made my resolution
Under the fireworks
And god, I’m
T r y i n g
And other people aren’t homes
But this space is so much more comfortable
With a few other souls.
I don’t mean to run,
But sometimes I just have to go.
But,
Have a cup of coffee with me sometime,
Don’t forget your jacket,
I miss you,
This made me think of you,
Remember that time we danced in the rain?
I’ll see you soon,

And if you didn’t hear me say it earlier,
love you.

There are days when this depression is a
Whisper
A ghost hiding in the corner
That feeling that you just can’t shake but never
See
That buzz in the back of your
Skull a bee’s nest
There are days when I say I’m okay and I
Mean it
And there are days the covers are lined with lead
I’ve never been a weightlifter but I know the
Feeling of crushed lungs
This bed is an ocean and I am out to sea
With no anchor
Rough water
Tossed overboard
There are days when this depression is standing
On the shore, yelling
“You should have learned to swim”

But thank the
Universe
For handing you a life jacket and a map to me.

-Alyssa Faye Heckart

I read Harry Potter when I was a little girl,
listened closely as my father
did all the voices,
just right
every time,
Knew that magic wasn't really real,
but knew it felt like it could be,
carved a symbol made from story into my forearm as a reminder that
magic is what you make of it and home
is never as far away as it seems,
and I sometimes forgot what faith felt like,
wondering how I ever believed that
magic
could be more than just words printed on a page.

Now every time you whisper my name,
I am reminded that all magic needs
is someone to believe.

I have been so many things.
I was crafted from dirt roads and
bathed
in starry nights.
Given hair the color of too much
sun.

I once surrounded myself with city walls
just to see if I was carved from stone,
or if my
limbs
could rival twisted steel.
Passed by buildings with far too many windows,
just to see if I could spot
myself
in the glass.

I have planted seeds and hoped to see them sprout in
hours,
just so I could believe I could find myself as fast.

I have learned that gardens don't grow in hours,
that life can take
days
weeks
or even months to see the sun.
And my bones are buried deep.

I can only keep
reaching
towards
the
light.

From a young age
I made myself
Hard
To handle.
Said that I would be impossible
To love
Because that was
Easier
Than getting
Hurt again.
"It will be a challenge
To find someone who can
H a n d l e
Me
Because girls like me are
H a r d
To love".
But laying next to
You
I have never felt so
Soft.

I have never,
In my whole
Life,
Needed anyone.
By as we lay here,
Tracing lazy circles on each other's skin,
I can think of so many other things I've been
Wrong about.