Take me back to yesterday,
where the grass was noticeably greener and the water was warm to the touch.
The trees stood tall, and when you looked up the Sun spilled yellow happiness straight down your throat. No worries about choking, because dancing with the Sun was enough.
Reverse the clock,
and let me live in a fantasy.
Please, oh please
don't leave me here to be.
I can't deal with it here today.
I can hear all of their negative thoughts screaming at me as I walk past and as I walk away I'm struck by lightning, as punishment from the Gods themselves, forcing me to sit and listen and listen.
My only state of euphoria is thinking back to when the Sun was setting and the air was breathing cold, but there wasn't a care in the world.
Take me back to yesterday,
where my breathing wasn't staggered,
and I wasn't constantly looking for my lighthouse.
Thirty shiny stars, and a single dull dime.
Tell me, please, that when I go, it will all get better.

I've try my **** hardest to feel loved, accepted.

I lead people to fall in love, and leave them because I can. Even though I promised them different.

I complain about boys, but the boys aren't the problem it's me. I'm the one who makes these problems for myself because it's easier to push everyone away and deal with those consequences as they come, rather than to accept my forever fate. I say it's because I'm young, I can't find the one. I know all the right things to say, so they'll stick around, even after i've left them in the dust too many times, but I do know not to say love. It confuses them, and me.

I know love isn't in my heart, never has. Heartbreak started before I was born. When my father didn't want me, my mother couldn't have truly wanted me, after all she was 16, everyone around me was burdened by me before I even opened my eyes.

I hear it a lot, "you look, remind me of your mother" "You remind me so much of myself" "My mini me" You have the same issues, depression, bipolar, trust issues, and failure to commit, it's pretty insignificant, but it's lurking there, in my head. Scratch that it all races through my veins, and I'm surrounded by it, as everyone I know is infected by it too.

It commitment even real? As far as I know, it's something I couldn't even imagine. I have these people trying to get at me, claiming, "Let it be just me and you baby" but every time I fall for those lies, I can't help to start chasing a different one, more and more.

Picking up that bottle seems like second nature. Along with my issues, I was blessed with addiction, that's racing through my veins more than commitment isn't. I'm told not to let it get out of hand, after all I've seen what it does to people. But I can't help but find myself longing for the next time I can feel the warmth of that liquid as it slides down my throat. Longing for the next time I can place that skinny piece of paper between my fingers, lighting it as the smoke slithers down to find my lungs, inhaling to insure it's doing it's job, then exhaling to see the smoke dance around the air that's consuming me. Longing for the next time I can feel happiness. Longing for the next time I can punch something to release my anger, because we all know I can't do it creatively.

I sat there, silent tears falling off my not high - not sharp- cheekbones.
I sat there while you continued shoving yourself father down my throat.
            Did you know I was crying? Would you have cared?
I got up, and he looked at me sympathetically. As though he wasn't screaming at me, "You know you want this." "Come on. No one will know. No one has to know. It'll be quick."
            Did you not get the hint when I began lying there lifeless,
            almost, close enough? Did you not think to stop when I said
            no? When I couldn't find myself to look at you while you were
            committing your act? Would you have stopped if you could've
            heard my thoughts?
At least he had the decency to drive me home, this time.

I attempt to wash him completely out of me.
Scrub every inch of body because His hands have grazed over it all.

I fill the bath up with bubbles so I can't see my body's black and blue Bruises and scars that run so deep.
He likes to touch me with his rough hands. Feel me for what I am,
just another warm blooded girl.
But tell me what can I do except let it happen?

And then I turn the lights off so I'm left just to think.
Think and think until my mind goes blank,
And that's where I like it so my mind won't make up crazy stories like Real love and happiness.

My tears fill up the bathtub so I don't need to waste our water,
I spend my time crying until my eyes can't handle another tear.
My fingertips begin to wrinkle up,
So I drag myself out.

Motivation just seems to hurt more than his hits to my face.
I get out dry myself off and set my face in a clean coat of makeup like He likes, but not too much because I just look like a cheap *****,
and not too little because He tells me I look not pretty.
I put on that dress He tells me He just loves,
because it shows Him my curves, and hangs down real low. He knows it's just for Him.

I get out of the bathroom and am greeted by my love,
He's not red with horns and a flaming torch,
But I know for sure it's Him.

does the sun still shine in hell?
will I still be able to gaze back into your eyes when all is not well?
If everything ends in a disaster,
will you still think of me swell?
I'm beginning to dwell.

Pardon me for jumping to conclusions.
It's just this has happened before,
and I struggle to believe you'd be like them too.
So tell me my love,
Does the sun still shine in hell?

Short and sweet.
Let's reminisce on what you meant to me.
Although it wasn't enough for you,
and those night time conversations became day time affairs,
which seemed to take up all of our time,
you still made it to my favorite color.
Only you could make me that blue,
That smiley face yellow,
and all the colors in between.

How sweet it was to be so close to you,
even though you'll never say we got so.
I guess the relationship was one-sided,
but you were a catch.
Weren't you?

I love it when it rains.
I love it when it pours, and lightning and thunder crash down,
hard. I love it when the noise of the thunder quiets down the crashing plates and pans, because dad got a little tipsy tonight. I love it when I can run outside and completely ruin my day-to-day appearance. oh if only you knew how much I hate how I look everyday. when I can play in the rain, but only when no one is around. I can't let people believe I'm a child, again.
I love it when I'm alone.
I love it when the silence becomes so much that my thoughts are screaming at me like someone attending their favorite artists concert. I love it when I finally get the hint. I get the hint and shut up and put myself on mute. I always end up cracking, I can't help but spill the things that take place at night. Night. Don't you just love night? when the moon has rose and the stars are out. you receive those, "you up" texts. people are asleep and its just you sitting outside, running outside. running.
running is just beautiful, isn't it? amazing how you're feet can take you places, places you didn't know you wanted to go. you can leave, take off and never return if you'd like, but my feet always end up at you're door. and when you're done being pleased, my little feet run home. there's only a few tears this time! how exciting! I must celebrate. I'll crack open my newly bought pack of cigs, just to indulge in five at a time. It's just lovely watching the smoke dance. I can't ever get enough.
You can't either. maybe that's why I want you more than you would ever want me, because I can never get enough of you and you can never get enough of the joy you get out of being uh pleased.
what joy I get out of writing though. it's like when you can't speak to the people around you, whomever they are. you can sit and write down whatever you please. I could write about you or I could write about what I didn't eat. I can talk about how low my weights gotten(only a few more pounds to shred!!) or about the lovely book I've been reading.
I don't know where I went with this one though. I don't know where I went. "I don't know who you are" someone told me that and I've never been able to reply(still can't hehe) but I must close this up,
whatever this is. whatever I'm just as confused as you.

he wouldn't date me,
but he'd 10/10 "smash."

he'd take apart of me,
but wouldn't appreciate me.

he never called me beautiful,
but hot and **** were first to leave his lips.

when he looked at me,
he didn't look in admiration,
rather accomplishment.
another one to add to the list.

but when it was just me and him,
he talked to me for real.
he told me about what he wanted from us.
he said we'd last awhile.
i questioned him about his previous cheating,
and he replied,
"it's always been you."

he held my hand for the first time,
on his way to drop me off.
he later cuddled me,
wrapped up in his arms.

"it's always been you."
it's always been you.
but i don't need you,
and you sure as hell don't need me.

hey,
as much as i miss you,
and would like you back in life,
i appreciate living a life without you
more than living a life entirely waiting upon you.

everyone says, ' what a waste,
a pretty face, and tight waist.
What simply could you be sad about?'

I’m sorry that I couldn't tell you how I was feeling,
I'm sorry that I always left relationships
broken and scarred.
I'm sorry I told you I was fine,
when in all reality I wanted to take my own life.
I wanted to tell you about what was going though my head,
I really did.
I really wanted to discuss
how thoughts of harming myself filled my head,
or how close I was one night to taking a whole bottle of unidentified medicine,
or how I've become so distant from you guys.
I just ended up filling my mind with decisions I’d dread in the morning.
I left you guys,
And replaced the feelings I had with this emotionally inexpressible teen.
I’m sorry that I began to feel this way,
You have to believe all I wanted was happiness,
But I simply couldn’t gain strength to do so,
but I’m here now.