I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do

back in the day
they would say
why don't you go out to play
don't have a toy
boy
that's ok
just play pretend
use your imagination
you can be anything
astronaut or king
I would act like a ninja
in the
park with my cousin
I'd play dungeons
and dragons
pretend to be a cowboy with wagons
and a horse
of course
I was a rock star I was a hero
I saved worlds and used Sub-Zero
I would pretend I was
everywhere except where I was
drift away with my imagination
because
I was alone in the world and I didn't have a friend
so I made one up his name was Jimmy I would pretend
to have conversation
with him and then
we'd pull out the action figures
do there voices and salute the Victor's
mom would pretend that I wasn't an *******
as I pretended I was King of the castle
now I'm all grown up and I hear them say
man go play pretend and act like your ok
pretend that you don't ****
pretend for a moment that you give a ****
pretend that your not garbage
where's that  imagination
pretending you'd do better well there's people ******* waiting
now imagine you were great
imagine if you didn't have to create
a fake smile and pretend to be ok
I use to play
pretend for fun
to think of things that I'd
become
but a disappointment wasn't one

more seeking and sinking,
more drugs and binge drinking
it's in a sweat, clawing search to find a pretty pretense.
I simply cannot evade getting lost in the mere cadence
of one with such pretty eyes.

Because we know it'll hurt - I face and bind my fate
I put my soul on show so you can freely desecrate
Because, who knows how long we have to keep going
the rapture is buzzing, ringing, and bringing
such a light white hazey dream filled clinging
to all the ways I've know to destroy and start again
to touch your soul and truly know you, to be kin
would satisfy such a deeper part.
But if anyone knows anything, it's that old habits die hard

I take a pill
Every night
Before bed
And it keeps away
The panic
The compulsions
The stress
The perfectionism
The drive
The desire for excellence
The 4.0 student
Everything that was
Killing me
And
Creating me
So, now I have to decide
Is it worth it?