I guess this is it.

This is me saying goodbye, after countless days that I’ve been trying to but never seem to actually do it.

It’s quite exhausting actually, to constantly decide whether I should let go of you or not. But I guess this will do. I’ve learned that heartbreaks don’t happen all at once, it happens in small moments and our hearts chip off almost infinitely. And it’s true, these past few days I always find myself at countless forks in the road and I have to make a decision: hold on or let go.

Whenever I smell your scent, I let go of you. Whenever I see a random stranger wearing braces and I’m reminded of your silly smile, I let go of you. Whenever I remember the warmth of your tight hugs, I let go of you. The inevitable and constant struggle to let you go is real – but this will do.

Your cousin actually told me just now that he warned you about this (us) from the start. He told you not to be hasty because you may just be overwhelmed by the feelings you had. I actually have no idea if that bears any truth in them but I hope he’s wrong. I am so sure what we felt wasn’t something “temporary” although it was short-lived. I am so sure it wasn’t a product of something done quickly. I don’t know anymore, to be honest. But I wish to believe him, too, though – so that I’ll no longer have the urge to talk to you. So that I’ll no longer have to pause and convince myself not to click “send” to my Hi. So that I’ll no longer have the urge to check up on you, stalk you on all your social media accounts. So that I’ll just stop.

Hay, I wish it was that easy. I know that it is, but I’m not so sure if this is what I want. See? You made this monster out of me. For as long as I can remember, I was always a woman of my word but right now, I no longer know if I want to stick to my decision to let go. What is it with you? I’m starting to get frustrated because I’ve been in this situation before, and I’ve handled it quite well, actually. But I guess that’s the ugly truth about heartbreaks. No matter how much you think you know about it, no matter how much you’ve prepared – it will catch you off guard. No one in this world knows how to prepare for a potential heartbreak, and I guess that’s both beautiful and scary.

You’re a kid. That’s probably why this didn’t work out. Our emotional maturity levels don’t match and I think your lack of it makes up for how you decided to stop pursuing me. I was ready to risk everything for us – for love, but when we were almost at the finish line, you said, “I can’t do this anymore”. You left me hanging. You of all people did. And that makes you a hypocrite, because you don’t want others to abandon you but you abandoned me.

I guess you’re just going to be another “heartbreak” on my list. Another scar to show off to everyone. Another “Hey, this is the guy I used to love but now he’s just a memory”.

I swear this is the last letter I’m going to write to you. But I know that’s not true.

Well, I guess I’ll continue writing until I no longer have the words and the sentences to make any sense out of this heartbreak.

Undefeated. Undisputed. 12 wins, 0 losses. A perfect 12-0 record.  
You’re the crowd’s favorite as Vegas odds are in your favor.
Through the years of being in this game, you can almost get used to the fame.
“This fight’s going to be an easy one” – you assured your Coach.
You enter the octagon and see her warming up. Then you hear Bruce Buffer laying out the ground rules.
You’re excited – but nervous.
You feel the pressure of having to live up to everyone’s expectations. From your coach to the little ******* the other side of the world rooting for you.
You thought it was going to be another landslide victory.

Barely 2 minutes in and you feel scared.
Suddenly, you feel a numbing pain on your chin. It was a left hook.
As you fall face first, you feel nothing. Your unconscious body lays flat on the octagon floor.
Lights out.

Moments later you wake up to the sound of the fans cheering in the octagon.
A left hook was all it took for your dream of retiring undefeated to come crashing down.
For the first time, it wasn’t your arm that was raised by Herb Dean.
For the first time, you heard the words, “….and the new Featherweight champion”
You don't let it sink in at first but you can only hold back for too long before you realize that you lost.
You stood up, wiped the sweat off of your forehead, removed your gloves and marched out.
Suddenly you feel this weird feeling of embarrassment.
"So this is how it feels to lose?" you said to yourself.

You found a chair, sat down and composed yourself.
You’re still in one piece, which is a good thing but you know that fact cannot compensate for the emotional disorientation you felt.
Broken bones really do heal faster than injured egos.
Maybe your loss was a way of knocking some sense into you.
Winning is not everything, the same way that losing is not.
Sometimes you need to experience defeat in order to appreciate how satisfying every victory is.
As a fan, I know it's going to be hard to bounce back from this loss.
But you're going to be okay, champ. You always do.

There you are, just minding your own business.
Looking through the different comic books neatly placed in the corner of our favorite bookstore.
You pick one up and I see a faint smile painted over your lips.
Hay, what a sight.
You look engrossed by the Warcraft comic book you found.
It was as if you were in another dimension.

Admiring and just looking at you in a distance, I am engulfed by a weird feeling.
Weird - since it was a new one but at the same time familiar.
It was a recognition of something I missed feeling;
Something I thought I convinced myself I would no longer feel;
It was happiness.

I swear, I can just look at you like this for hours.
I wouldn't mind the days and nights passing by.
But seeing how perfect you are just scanning over the pages of the book you found, I couldn't resist taking a picture - the only thing I can ever do to preserve the moment.

God, you are beautiful.

(A reply to Stanford **** victim's letter)

I have never been sure of anything in my life until I came across your letter. It was one of those moments where I needed to find a safety net, as I am completely falling apart and my self-esteem, sinking hard like the Titanic. For the longest time I have been a warrior - fighting self-made battles that I ironically lose everytime.

It wasn't easy, good God, it never was, at the slightest- easy. Trapped inside a hollow body with nothing but hate did it for me. I recall countless times of drowning myself with worry that I can never be good enough. Not good enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, worthy enough. Enough. I was never equal to that word. I wish I was almost enough, but reality bites and it bites hard so I'm always left with nasty and painful bite marks. My tears and sobs are now lullabies to my ears as it helps me put myself to sleep. It wasn't always like this though, I've had my share of sunshine but in the end, and like most things, my happiness reaches its finish line way quicker that I would've wanted.

My life is a daily routine I no longer want to be a part of. Even if I no longer want this - something is telling me I shouldn't quit. For ****'s sake, I'm a warrior, it would be a disgrace to quit. So I held on. For how long? I don't remember, but I did and I still am. The day I read your letter started out like most days - empty. I thought it was going to be another one of those **** related articles, but I was wrong. And I've never been so happy that I was wrong. Each word you wrote were like swords cutting through the chains I made for myself. It was freeing to read about something so tragic yet peaceful at the same time. It was as if your letter was a *** of gold found at hell. It was the rose among all the thorns. A treat amidst all the nasty. As I finished reading I realized something: you are right, I am a boat. A boat you guided with your light. Thank you for shining. It doesn't matter how bright your light was as long as it shone, and found me. In turn, I will one day be a lighthouse, guiding boats toward a safer shore.

Baby girl, you have to know when to stop.
Love yourself enough to know when to let go.
It isn't very wise to hold on to something that's not there anymore.
The world has no place for people who give themselves too much, people who pour themselves out to a point that they end up with nothing but bruises.

I should know; I have been there.
Though I am not proud of having been - but I'm here now and I survived.
If I did it, you can too. You got this.
You can turn this around - for I know you are strong.

And by the time you finally decide to let go of the shackles that bind you from him, cry.
Cry your heart out and scream if you must.
Do everything you think you should just to ease the pain.
Write thousands of poems just to make sense of that heartbreak, because it's going to be a while before you feel okay again.

But at the end of the day, don't worry.
I will help you get through this.
I got you.

Nothing can compare to this feeling of bliss.
Heck, I can't even begin to understand and make sense of this emotion.
You've caused my heart to beat in rhythms I thought I could never produce.
You lit up my heart and now even my soul explodes in different vibrant colors.
With you, everything just seems to fall into place and that, alone, scares me because I haven't been able to feel this for a long time.

They were right: even after every hurt people have caused, we should give love one more chance and always one more.
We are never prepared for heartbreak but that's what makes it all the more beautiful - knowing that each ache is a step closer to finding the right one.

It’s true, as it makes more sense now.
No wonder it didn't work out with anyone else because it was always meant to work with you.
Now I understand that I have been looking in all the wrong places because you were right before my eyes.
I was taught to believe that love should be extravagant, loud and should follow certain rules.
With all the years and heartbreaks that passed, I know that it doesn't have to be all of those.

Love is found in the little things. The quiet yet meaningful gestures.
It doesn’t boast as it is humble, and it clearly expects nothing in return.
Most importantly, Love should feel like home.

I am so glad I’m home.

Goodbye.

It pains me to say this to you because I honestly don’t want it to come from me but I have to. So goodbye.

We were in the brink of something so beautiful but you chose to end it because of something I still find too shallow. It honestly makes me wonder how it will be if we pushed through but the fact that it was so easy for you to let me go made me think that, “I guess it won’t end well if we continue.” Fears will always be present, babe. The key is not to let it get to you but it did, and in a bad way.

I can’t even begin to imagine how our life would be like though, you know, if we continue. And the more days go by, the more I doubt myself if I want this. Well, scratch that. I want this so badly, but I don’t think it will work. I am torn between giving this a shot with all my might and just letting this go because I know in the months to come, the pain will be more unbearable.

Our personalities just don’t mix well with this frustratingly uncontrollable issue. You fear that when you leave me soon, we will be worse than what we are now. That’s why you think it will be easier for you to leave without having any extra baggage, me. My friends called you a coward, but some people just don’t understand. They don’t understand the depth of the situation because simply, they’re not in it. They can say all they want to and anticipate how it’s like being in our places right now but they’re never going to understand the pain and the feelings in between that go with the situation. They just don’t.

We were a perfect match. And I guess because of that, we burnt out. I feel like there’s a huge void inside me and I can’t make any sense out of it, because we were never together but you made such a huge impact. We were, are, and will be nothing but an ALMOST.

But if anything, I want to let you know how much I loved our little infinity capsuled in a span of 1 month. Many great things happened in that short amount of time that never happened in the years I’ve had with anyone else. And I will always be grateful for that. I now know that I deserve a love like that, and more. You showed me how it was to feel special and to be appreciated for who I am, flaws and all. I was the most beautiful girl in your eyes and I hope one day we'll find our way back and give our love another try. I hope that when that day comes, we'll continue our story rather than just leave it with an ellipsis.

I guess I’ll still be here for you though, but in a different way. I’ll always be your cousin’s classmate who made your heart skip a beat at day one. I’ll always be the girl who knows how to make you laugh even when you’re not in the mood and I’ll always be that stubborn “almost” girlfriend who made you feel like you were the best “almost” boyfriend.

Take care of yourself, big guy. Goodbye.