i caught my father
cheating on my mother
the woman who picked
him up time and time again
the woman who raised
his three children
the woman who nursed
his open wounds

how am i suppose to forgive
or trust this man

when i am his blood
when i am his eyes
when i am his nose

i hate this body
get me the **** out

i have not
been able
to write
since
you

l e f t

all
i was
able
to do
was

f a l l

laying in your bed
talking about my past
you unwrap my wounds

so easily
so gracefully

thank you

the last time i had felt safe
was the day before
it all happened the day before
my childhood and innocence
was taken from me without my consent

growing up i never really felt safe
not even when my parents told me
they would protect me from the monsters
because well
they never really did
because they didn't see the monster right next door

then i met you
and not in some cheesy lame way
but

i had a nightmare of that monster
as i lay in your bed with you
trembling, crying, begging
in my sleep
to have it all back
to have my careless childhood back

you awoke me
with your arms
wrapped around me
rubbing my head
reassuring me i was okay

and for the first time
since the age of seven
did i actually feel

s a f e

men have chased me
trying to get a touch
of my body and soul
for the last decade

they are storm chasers
trying to get a glimpse
of the wake of destruction
trying to feel something

yet all i ever do
is leave them before
they can even see me
all that is left for them

is
destruction

i miss you
so *******
much

but

all i can do
is watch
from my phone

you living your life
without me
while im here
living life
wishing you were here

they tell me
i am so good
with words
that they melt
right onto the page
from my mouth

yet why is it

every time i
open my mouth
i never know the
right thing to say
or the right things to feel

i am trying to guess
what everyone
wants to hear
to give them
what they want

yet i never seem
to be successful enough
at that

only with a pen and paper
am i enough
because i am just me
not what everyone
wants me to be