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376 · May 2019
Explaining Depression
Zukiswa Mvunguse May 2019
Whenever I think of putting pen to paper
Intangible thoughts into words
And translating the foreign tongue of my heart
My body starts to shake, my cold blood begins to boil
And tears fill my eyes, but they refuse to flow

Explaining depression is like trying to conquer writers block
Unfortunately, I suffer from both
To my parents, I’m just stressed
To my siblings it’s typical me
And to my friends, it’s taking a joke too far

My mother says she doesn’t understand
Depression doesn’t exist in her culture, but patriarchy does
So, I smile and say it’s nothing, but the ***** in me rears her ugly head and screams
‘Look at me, don’t you recognise the face you wake up to everyday
The feelings you were taught to stomp out and ground down for your husband’s morning coffee
I am you…’
But the coward in me smothers these silent pleas

My father is more eloquent than my mother
He brandishes words as if they were swords
But throws them like poison daggers, twice as deadly
So, he twists and mangles my words, skewering my perception
The heart’s silent screams turning into never ending tears, turning into rivers of blood
I tell him how much I despise him and how I wish I were dead
But one look at my mother’s stricken face, her warning glare,
Reduces my courage into ash and I degrade myself further with an apology

My siblings are a confusing, unpredictable bunch
My brothers don’t know what’s going on, but they understand
How I envy their innocence and ignorance
My older sisters are more complicated
One is my rock, the only thing keeping me from ending it all
She says she’s been here before, that I need to be strong and that she understands
But that only makes me feel guilty for never being there for her
She’s leaving home soon and all I can think is ‘What about me?’
Our eldest sister is a nassistic sociopath
She thinks she’s helping…

Now I don’t have many ‘friends’, but I do have a Best Friend
When I tell her that I’m depressed, she doesn’t ask me why
On most days, she’s my polar opposite, the Yin to my Yang
She’s as skinny as I am fat, loves horror movies which I hate
She can’t stand anime, this is her only flaw
But on some days our stars align
And it’s eerie how much our life experiences mirror each other
To my other friends I just laugh everything off
As if curing this emptiness was as easy as getting over a broken heart
189 · Nov 2018
Boredom
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
When boredom strikes
Jaws open wide in oscitancy
Eyelids flutter once, twice, thrice...
Mouth sets into an unattractive line
And the mind turns to mush
Lulled by the lecturer's monotonous voice
Into slumber's welcoming embrace.
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
When I say I’m afraid of loving you
What I mean is I’m afraid of loving anyone
You are not the problem
I’m the broken one
With a bruised, twisted, knurled muscle
I barely recognise as my heart
How can I expect you to love me
When I can’t love myself
144 · Nov 2018
When I was little
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
When I was little
The township we called home was the centre of my world
Our mud and zinc house was a Palace
My father it’s King
And we were his little princesses
My mother was just my mother
She wasn’t regal enough to be a queen

When I was little
We vacationed at centre of the universe
Nevermind that my grandparents farm lacked running water or electricity
And stood at the bottom of the valley
Surrounded on all sides by majestic hills
In comparison, it was just a stepping stone to the heavens
Even so, it was my heaven

When I was little
I looked to the heavens and I saw God
He wore a threadbare, leathery moonless night sky for skin
And had a cloudy facade with fallen stars for eyes
But when My God smiled
Sunlight shone through the cracks
And we all wanted to busk in his radiance

When I was little
My grandfather seemed a God
On cold winter nights, huddled around the fireplace
Stories of youthful escapades and adventures in the big city Spilled from his ambrosia loosened lips
Mesmerised by this linguistic wizardry
We hung onto every word as he switched from English to Afrikaans to Sesotho to Xhosa and back

When I was little
I was happiest lying in the sun
But than I grew up and the shadows were more inviting
Kingdoms fell and Gods became mere mortals
When I was little
The women in my family were merely extras to their male leads
But as I grew up they evolved into pillars
Holding up the roof their male counterparts have left to disrepair
I had to write an essay for English class about my childhood, but ended up with this. My grandfather died 2 years ago and I was emotionless at the time, so this suprised me.
127 · Nov 2018
Confessions of a Madman
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
I've got a confession to make
I know it wasn't my place
But the gun found in my possession I had to take
No choice, but my fears to face
Now the ******* lie dead in the sun
And bake!

❤️❤️❤️❤️

It's double or nothing
In trouble for something
Cause I'm high on sprite
And flyer than a kite
100 · Nov 2018
The Sins Of a Daughter
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
I'm terribly depressed and nobody seems to notice
All are too busy wrapped up in themselves
My mother says it's my own fault for not listening when she told me to leave
My siblings couldn't be bothered 
They either too young to understand
Drowning their sorrows in drink
Or simply never around
My father, well he is another  story
He accuses me of poisoning him and holding him at knife point
According to him I'm the reason for  all his problems
I've unmanned him and killed my mother, who is surprisingly still alive
Now I ask you how am I an eighteen year old girl responsible for my father's manhood 
When I defend myself against him, my family all agree that I was in the wrong and he only a victim
It matters not to them that my fist do less damage than  his words have done to my sanity
They worship at his feet no matter what wrong he does them
It's not that they are blind to his faults, they choose to ignore them
They now see me as a substitute culprit to persecute in his place
My only crime being unwilling to let a bully dictate my life
It's true he has never raised a hand to me, but sometimes I wish he would
Cause surely it would hurt less than the words he flings so carelessly
It's true I've hit him and I make no excuses for myself
I've never held him at knifepoint, all I said was I'd **** myself
So it's no wonder I'm terribly depressed
97 · Nov 2018
Rough
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
The things I’d like to do to you
Or more specifically
The things I’d like you to do to me
Up against the wall
Spread out on a table
A bed, yours or my mines
Any surface will do
As long as I get you, all of you
I won’t complain
I want it rough and fast
Or sweet and slow
Scratch that
On second thought the nastier the better

Run your fingers through my hair
Grip it firmly and bite my neck
I’ll run my nails against your back
Claws sinking into skin
We engulfed by wild passion
There is screaming and yelling
Nibbling and biting
I’m not sure who is loudest
But as we pound into each other into oblivion
I really don’t care
It hurts but you like it and that is what makes it so good
79 · Nov 2018
My Heart Bleeds For You
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
My heart bleeds for you
Who suffers day after day
During agonizingly long nights
Wrapped in a stifling blanket of sorrow
When sleep's warm embrace eludes
And the shadows start closing in
Threatening to envelope you in darkness

My heart goes out to you
As you wallow in self pity
Plagued by inner demons I couldn't begin to perceive
Warping and twisting thought until you convinced
All are against you even me
So that the dawn's golden glow
Is as unwelcome as the night's unyielding grip

For just as shadows flee before it
You are left feeling bare and vulnerable under the sun's judgemental glare
And suddenly you long for those oppressive shadows
But as the day progresses, the opposite becomes true

My heart bleeds because of you
Who uses words like arrows
That shoot at their target straight and true
You who blames the world for all your troubles
For you are never in the wrong
It's just the world trying to bring you down

So my heart runs away from you
Forced into hiding
It's boney cage the only thing keeping it from breaking
Suddenly I hate you for making me feel sorry for you
I finally see the coward you truly are
And now I am against you.
73 · Nov 2018
Crush 101
Zukiswa Mvunguse Nov 2018
Here is a poem to make you smile
And turn that frown upside down
I don't like seeing you sad
So smile through the heartache
Walk talk, head held up high
Shake that *** and show him
What he's missing out on
And as your friend
It will be my solemn duty
To keep reminding him
Till the day he dies or more realistically
Till we finish high school
So please smile because I am out of ideas

❤️❤️❤️❤️

My heart is in my windpipe
Cutting off all air supply
I try to speak
But all that comes out is a squeak
Every time you smile in my direction
My mind goes on a vacation
And my pride takes a spanking

❤️❤️❤️❤️

I try to open my mouth
But the words don't come out
And when I finally do speak
None of it sounds right
Every time I try to think of something witty to say
I keep drawing a blank
Cause when you smile in my direction
My mind takes a vacation

❤️❤️❤️❤️

It seems I fear rejection
As much as I fear your affection
I can't bare for us to be apart
As much as I can't stand being around you
I loathe the smiles you give to other girls
As much as I relish the moments
That same smile is directed at me
I fright for the time you no longer mine
Which is stupid considering
You never were, but most of all
I look forward to the times we haven't had
And those '' I love you '' s still to be
These are silly poems that I wrote for my friend when she was having romantic problems
72 · Jul 2019
ANXIOUS
Zukiswa Mvunguse Jul 2019
SOMETIMES WHEN LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES
MY MIND BEGINS TO WANDER
REPLAYING PAST EVENTS, QUESTIONING PAST DECISIONS
IF I'M LEFT TOO LONG ON MY OWN
DEVOID OF HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP
MY MIND SLOWLY DISINTERGRATES
AND THE WALLS I'VE BUILT AROUND ME COME CRASHING DOWN
SENSING MY VUNERABLE STATE
THE VULTURES START CIRCLING
AND THEN COMES THE WAIT, WITH BREATHES ABATED
CRUMBLING BRICK UPON CRUMBLING BRICK
UNTIL THE LAST STONE FALLS
THEN LIKE STARVED WOLVES THEY POUNCE
ANXIETY SINKS IT'S CLAWS INTO MY FLESH
INFUSING MY BLOOD WITH PANIC
THIS BLOOD-BORNE DISEASE MANIFESTS IN EMBARRASSMENT
TURNING INTO ANGER
BUT IN THE WORST CASE SCENARIO
WHOLE BODY SPASMS EVOLVE
INTO WINDPIPE CRUSHING HEART PALPITATIONS
PUBLIC APPEARANCES ARE NOT ADVISED DURING THIS TIME

— The End —