My name is Sora Sore.
I can't take it anymore.
My eyes are drowning deep.
I couldn't get no sleep.
My neck is in a knot.
And it hurts a lot.

I'm too messed up like my mattress.
But I can play a role, I'm an actress.
And I like it, it's not an act when I'm in it.
Especially when I sing it.

But it burns on my head.
Every day and night in bed.
I've been hanging around like a zombie.
A living dead combi.
I can't take it no more.
I am Sora and I am so so so sore.

Wearing my body.
Wearing it out completely.
I carry it to my grave.
Tossing it through another wave.

Please don't judge me for getting affected.
For being on this earth but not really connected.
Laying inbetween too worlds and painful sensations.
The creatures poking at my skin, the latest manifestations.

The earth can have my body back.
I'm am Sora and I crack.
I'm a zombie.
A living dead combi.

I'm ok.
Just another day.
I'm Sora Sore.
Just a little bit more.
Sora Sore.
Until I'm not there no more.

I was falling apart.
Every day.
I started falling for you.

I didn't know where to pick the pieces from.
Pieces to give, to show, to live.
I gathered some.

But once they fell again you treated me like a child.
A child that knocked over its block tower.
Like I was stupid for doing so.

Not noticing I was falling apart and tripped.
That's why I hit the blocks.
The black blocks of this tower.

It was fragile like me and made to fall.
Like me.
But each block is too strong to break.

Maybe there were just too many to keep this fragile tower standing.
And maybe if you looked you would have noticed.

But you were never taught to look and always too busy to see.
No one is to blame.

But now I'm lying here with these pieces everywhere all by myself.
Not knowing where to pick these pieces from again and again.....
Why won't you see?
I wish I could swim so I'd be floating.

No need for building, not need for holding, if it rains blocks I'll dive under.
Meet me there.

You would love me.
Now you don't cause I'm too much, I can't get it together, whatever.
Can't keep trying to find pieces to give, pieces to show, pieces to live.
**** these blocks up into a deep black hole and let me swim.
I'm falling apart.
Every day.▪️◾️◼️⬛️

I'm so much happier now that I'm dead.
But between waking and sleeping there's people you might forget.
And I don't want to forget you.
**** me all over when I do.

Swimming right through the grid.
Just to find you back again since you hid.
You were paddling along with me and pushing away hard cemented concrete.
Uncovering old treasures that we lost on the street.
Not too many, but we set them free so they can be anywhere.
All the time like the dust you wear.

It's a little bit softer.
But there must be a moment to let it all be over.
And I don't want to really leave you.
**** me all over when I do.

Floating right through the pit.
Oh I needed it, I needed this hit.
Let me fall into the endless sea.
Without pushing the waves aways from me.
Not too many, but we set them free so they can be anywhere.
All the time like the dust you wear.

It's a lot lot clearer.
A lot lot nearer.
The end.
I'm so much happier.
In the end.
Life is so much better now that I'm dead.
Dreaming is much nicer when I'm not in bed.

I take off my pants whenever I can
The ***** helps me remember to dream.
Am I alive or am I dead?

Changing nicknames to somewhat rebirth me.
Never really but it makes it bearable.
To just be dying and fighting for release.

And I don’t think that being alive is like feeling alive.
I would feel more alive if I knew the door was open to the other side.
Open wide to leave when I need to.

But it’s not that simple.
It won’t remain open.
And when it shuts it shuts for a long time again.

Eve is taking me back to the essence now.
C6ss6ndr6 is reminding me that this is all a dream.
And the ***** helps me.

I take off the layers but they swirl around inside.
Like ashes of confetti.
As I am dancing….
They are still a part of me, these ashes have created me.

Most night I keep on seeing the jellyfish above.
Floating in the sea.
A man’s hand pulls me up saying: Moving back to the shore is never easy.

Jellyfish lying on the shore.
Are they alive or are they dead?
You tell me.

I used to be scared that people would forget me when I would die.
Now I’m scared that people will remember me for who I’ve become.
My journey in this world has been too long now.
And yet I’m not done.
💀😢💀😢💀

I lie here completely open.
Drinking anything you pour in.
Anything is better than nothing.
I'm resting at the church steps every day.
Of a religion I hadn't heard of before.
The one that seems to fit me.
Right now that I learned the lessons that brought me to the next step.
Tomorrow I'm moving again...

A coldness.
Coming from different directions.
This wasn't what the forecast had promised.
Yet it was so clear to see it would come.

Because the sun can't shine everywhere at the same time.
I was always the storm but it's been raining too hard for so long.

You lost your reasons to find me again.
There's another better place for you to be.
At the horizon I watch you go down.
And I feel a coldness.

You're not coming back to shine bright in the morning.
Not on me.
Not with me.
No more rainbows.

Just coldness from many directions.
It's happened before.
Same directions.
Same different directions.

It's because I'm too heavy and now there's a better place to go.
And it keeps on happening, who can blame you for chosing the warmth?

And I kept on believing the lying promise of a brighter forecast over and over.
The sun had good intensions.
But the cold had to come.
It always had to come again and again.

Maybe I should have run away again to leave you dry.
That's when you wait for the storm.
It's always been the same.

But now the flood is high.
It will stay in the coldness.

Deep and dark.
Bye bye sun!
See ya again when the land gets too dry.
Oh well, I might as well run in this weather now.

Soaked already.
No point in waiting.
For you sun to come.
I know you won't and when you do you will leave.

It's just natural, I'm used to it now.
Doesn't make the cold not sting.
But I will keep running.
Some day you're running dry...

Finding your way every single day.
A game to play and a love to stay.

Strategy, tragedy.
A darkness all over me.

A love too strong to deal with.
Playing games to deal with life.

Honesty, personality.
**** me, love me, believe me, believe my story, I’m sorry.

A game we both play.
Untill the harness and garments fall away.

Let me in deep inside.
Or just be all over me.

Can’t block out all the noise in and outside of my mind by covering my ears.
I’m not learning to have it all just figured out for life, I’m just broadening my mind.
But if you’re dealing with somebody other than yourself you’re not learning alone.
It’s hard to stay within me when somebody is there to be a loving fellow.
And not just flowing easily beside me.
But bumb into me from time to time.
To be inside me head, not just my heart.

I cannot run, hide or fight.
I have to sit right in the centre.
And suffer.

Looking at a painful sight.
In the corner of my eye.
As I try to focus on survival mode.

Because I can’t run.
Nowhere to hide.
Forbidden to fight.
Cause I will lose my only place to live.

Although it’s not living.
It’s suffering.
Like it’s always been.
In many ways.

The last one was kind of a present because it was the better of them all.
The place before this one that I had to leave behind.
I cried.
Closed that chapture, know why.
I had to go.

But sometimes I hear the half dead forest call.
The one that was behind my place to live and survive.
The place before where I live now.

Here there’s no half dead forest.
Just parked cars, shops and houses in every street, in front of my window.

Nowhere to run, no place to hide, no permission to fight.
The people here know quite well I’m not from here and don’t belong.
I cannot sing.
Not on my walks.
I’ve never been one for small talks when I meet the neighbours...

I already mentioned too much now, better never again talk to them.
Complained too much already, it’s inside me to address things when they’re happening.

Not sit with it just suffering in silence just waiting.
Agonizing.
But many people do not know that I cannot run, hide or fight.

And it’s eating at me all the time.
I want out but I know not where I’ll go.
Only that this world has no save space.

When everything turned I was still carrying the hurt.
And it’s not gone but my tolerance and energy really are, almost completely.

It’s so hard to grasp for me that there’s a way to continue.
Do I even want to go on?

No choice as usual it seems.
But it turned for the better.
That doesn’t mean the pain is gone.
And peace is never close unless I’m close to you.

In the moment.
But many moments are too hard to live in for me. Still.
And there’s no settling, no calmth.
Only a reason to go on again.

I clean the mirror and stick my tongue out to life!
Not giving a **** used to give me energy.
Now I’m lucky if it brings me peace.
Joy has dulled out.
I still like crazy bands and their stories…
But I think I’ve had most of my crazy funny nights.
I don’t know.
Maybe I should try it one more time.
Just to see if it’s alright.

How much longer can I want to die but still just stick around?
Cause why not, guess I still can.
Anyway but it gets old.
But it gets better in some ways.
But there’s never a straight line towards anywhere.
And I’m just so over all of these unpleasant tasks and feelings every day.
Every night I’m waking.
Constantly.
I want to dream!
Intense dreams, peaceful nights and days.
Evening cries with music playing just celebrating suffering.

Everything.
Even though we don’t know where this will end.
What will begin?
We just know that we won’t take another type of control after this war!
This place of war that we got sent into!
I’m cleaning my mirror and sticking out my tongue.
Just to say, I’m hating this game!

I don’t want to leave the world better like Sia.
I want to leave it forever.
I don’t want my life to matter.
I learned so much but in this world it has no purpose.

It keeps on hurting me without enough breaks.
It has no right to want anything from me or anybody no more.

Great pain for a lifetime that feels like it’s never ending.
All I can do is trying to give that pain the least amount of power.
But it’s still a torturing nightmare.
And I can’t escape it.

Only people that are amazing and music makes everything better.
But I can’t live.
It brings peace to know that one day this will all just be a dream that I can wake up from. Like Eminem said.

And it’s all been decided for us like Freddie Mercury already knew.
Let’s wake up from the nightmares of this world, let’s demand better.
This world should no longer keep people in such horror. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

No body gets immunity to a virus against our community.
Virus entering a body.
Virus entering a system, virus coming through your airways.
Making them feel sore.
Like it's happening in many ways.
It cannot function anymore.

Breaking down, breaking down what once was standing.
Breaking down what once stood tall.
Breaking down, a new beginning or ending. With a body that feels small.

I'm in a body floating feeling like a baby.
Bald and always ready.
For the future that's ahead of me.
I'm a newborn like a baby.
The air is fresh around me and my body's drying up.
The virus never kills me, it will eventually just give up.

Like everything that's killing because I'm in here floating peacefully.
I'll send peace towards the sick.
And the virus I will kick.
I am part of a community that is stronger than a building.
And it will always keep on fighting.
Till the end of everything....
The end of everything.
A new beginning?

Nothing around you is working out.
But you're working every day.
Your children are both dying.
Husband's always working.
You're doing everything.

People are calling you with questions.
To which you're always giving the right answers.
But nobody sees you slowly turning numb from all the darkness.
You are not even screaming anymore.
Your voice now sounds so sore.

You know you carry the moon and sun at the same time for so long.
Everyday and every night.
You had to be the fire that was always on, full blasting burning.
Meanwhile your eldest kept on teaching you about the world and everything.

Your youngest had to be a warrior coming home with wounds you had to mend and bind.
No time for fun or just feeling good for such a long long time.

It still keeps going on and on.
You're waiting for the big turning, a place for settling and everything to be alright.
But these days are long gone, everything you have is now and you're trying the best you can all along.
No grandkids and no future.

But it's all just here in this horrible world, you see?
Look how far you've already come.
It's never been in vain.
You're right where you need to be.
And so are we.

Even though it hurts, you're doing well.
And it's been seen.
You're not alone.
Nothing will stay.
But our connection.
And all the battles we've gone through, still never giving in.
Fighting for what we know is right.

I believe in you.
This moment is now just for you, close your eyes and feel it, you deserve it.
And so much more.
It is still inside and always will be.
You are a universal mother.

Steamed up glass and snails all over my body.
I love sleeping.
Not being destructive when not being comfy.
Dreams and cuddles.
Feverish cold.
Fresh but hot.

Wrapped up in black sheets.
Rain outside.
Dry air in with candles in lanterns.
Dreams and snuggles.
Young and old.
I feel, you feel.

You are save and warm.
My only comfort.
I hold you or wait for you, the best moments.
Dreams and hot drinks.
Coffee and chocolate.
Biscuits and liquor.

Feverish dancing.
Dropping my body.
Swimming in the sky.
Swimming in the steam.
Snails in the greenhouse.
Bath and pool.
Couch and pillows.
Bed and sheets.

I love to sleep.
Able to be with anyone anywhere, being/doing anything.
I close my eyes and they open in another place.
All I feel is you.
Eating without guilt.
No pressure, only pleasure.

I want to write about the universe.
About how it's never ending.
About where we might go.
To where there's more creation in vibrant colours.

Or just dark holes to fill with sparkles.
No more quantum copy and paste.
True creation from within that can fly around.
I dive into it with wonder and find true love that never dies.

I cry as a creature all night.
Why won't you find me here?
Love that I can't reach.
Where should I go?

I want to write this to the universe.
Put it in a sparkling black and purple bottle, throw it in the endless waters.
Or send a ship with black sails and big old Vikings and I'll be hiding somewhere on their boat with them.
Sail off into the land we've never known.

Can we fall in love when we are dead?
I'm sure we can.
Even deeper.
Even heavier.

Without death.
Without decay.
True and pure.
Everyone is worth such love.

Divine us.
We are divine creatures.
We are Gods.
We feel our spirit.

We can fall in love inbetween worlds as well.
Enter that world with someone some day.
You are lucky, both very lucky when you can.
It takes great pain still to enter the inbetween.

It takes a life of strive and battle.
Being half alive,
Two bodies in the inbetween......
What a magical way to be. ✨🌙

I want to be away.
Take me away.
With you.
Let's sail off into the land we've never known.

Be my king.
Let me hold you.
Skin to skin and intertwined, redivined.
Us divine, us creatures, halfway into the universe.

Halfway still in a bed of sand.
On the ground.
The pieces that keep us around.
Around here for now.

Inbetween.

Blurred vision, always starving, on a verge of crying, staring.
I wish I could run, fly, sing.
But nobody is listening so why should I move?
Nobody’s there now but my own pain, catatonic staring, still restless but stuck.
Drinking but only causing my eyes to sting.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.
I can’t eat, can’t not eat.
Cannot prepare for a party.
So I want a surprise party.
Love and experience.
Cause if I can’t have a moment of freedom I’d rather be dead.
I’d rather not wake up, my dreams are amazing but the days are exploding.
Agony of nothing.
Thinking.
Feeling empty and heavy.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.

Where have I been?
Ever.
Blurry just cramping and tightness, not living.
I wish I could dance and float.
Like a flower on the river.
Not thinking about life living.
No catatonic staring stiffness and pain inside my head that’s never been mine.
I’m experiencing a place I don’t call save since I was born.
I’m sinking down, trying not to drown completely in toxicity.
Cause you still need me for when you come back.
One day you’ll have to let me go and I need to.
Learn to let go.
I’ve grown but feel so down, can’t fly high though I still dream but I know it’s a lie.
In this life.
It’s only keeping me going.
Going into the largest space full of just voids.
And just NOTHING.
Nothing but thoughts and longing, I try to dance but I’m down.
Heavily sinking down into nothing, I wish I was free enough to set myself free….
Free me and let me find freedom.

In another world I’ll be that mother that looks at their kid thinking: what’s not to love?
I’ll do things calmly.
I don’t need to break a toxic cycle.
From my family and my own life.
I’m new.
To be able to love and enjoy things calmly and peacefully.

As my life is falling into pieces I learn it's not about how much it shatters.
What the remaining parts look like is what actually matters.
You have no control, you just have to deal with everything as it comes.

You have to trust in yourself in any situation as it welcomes.
Although your mind's in a Matrix that's playing these games.
The programs, they hurt so much as you're walking again through the flames.

Those heroes around you lift you up.
The spirits among you put their arms around you.
You cannot stop.
Not now that the chapter is all new.

The pieces float around me.
I cannot sleep and the world is creepy.
I just surrender and find my world in this world like my friends all do.
Now we're here, look how far you've come, the chapter is all new!

As my life falls down I can just look down and see these pieces flaking.
I'm swimming towards the end altough my body's aching.
It's not very far, just very painful.
I've never felt this dreadful.
But it's not me, it's the pieces falling.
It's not me or my friends but the flakes that are drowning.

I will love you in the moment.
And I will love you forever cause it'll never end!

I don’t know why you don’t run.
I don’t know why I won’t give up.
We just keep trying.

When we wake up from screaming cats, you jump up and make it stop.
When I’m awake trying to control my thoughts you kiss me.
And eventually you leave into another room so I can rest at your side of the bed.

Hopefully I’ll be able to return these gifts one day.
I would never have thought that somebody would ever be able to deal with my darkness again.
I gave up, would have given up and would still give up.
If you didn’t come along here.
To be my perfect fit in all of this.

Which is still torture but so much better with you here.
It’s also harder: I need to fight again.
Together with you.

I can’t live.
I can’t die.
All I leave behind is great pain!
Then why am I unable to pull the plugs?
My head hurts from the heartache.
Everyday.

I’ll fight for your love then if that’s what you want.
I’ll be that crazy girl from the suicide squad.
You can tear me up.
Only you, cause you give me life.

When I jump on the train to see you, I don’t cry.
And I don’t ask myself why I can’t pull the plugs.
It’s obvious I still have it inside, the will to fight.

Although I was destroyed by life.
It’s alright as long as I can still and you are also willing to fight next to me.

But it’s always going to hurt either physically, mentally or both or deeper.
My heart is broken to the core now and I can’t live.

But I can’t die today, I can’t try it anymore.
So let me fight till my body’s gone.

I can’t live.
I can’t die.
All I leave behind is great pain!
Then why am I unable to pull the plugs?
My head hurts from the heartache.

I don’t want to be in it anymore anyway.
Tear it up then.
If that’s what you want.
I don’t want it anymore anyway.
If it hurts this much to be alive all the time.
24/7

Broken people are better when they're in battle.
Most of the time they can't live outside of it anymore.
They're too broken to be comfortable when there's no battle left to fight outside from their own battle with life.

They used methodes to survive too often to even start to just be able to live.
And even if they could, their bodies are no longer programmed to just be content while not having to prepare for the next hit.

Let broken people battle for what they love instead of what is hitting them too hard.
And let them feel the reason why they survived the battles before

Could you just not make it any worse from now on? I ask my tired head. My darling is already trying to have a normal morning. After a night of no relaxing. Because of me, my head. And now I’m lost in a space of trying, having to but not functioning well...
Somehow joining my darling in trying so hard to have an easy morning anyway. While nothing feels ok, nothing seems so easy, pressure is always so high. I should be alone, not dragging him with me, my darling who just takes it all. A winner through the fights. While I have lost so many or so many took too long, I’m still alive. Is that a prize? More like a price to pay. Paying for my freedom that shall come after a long hard war.

I lost my ability to be grateful.
I have to remind myself constantly of the things that are ok.
I swore I’d never be fine after the pain, the horrific nights.
They were too much.
Life was too much, forcing my body into movement.
Constant movements without my will, my comfort.
This body, this world, it never felt right at all.
So why would I try to save this world?
Where are we when we are in this world anyway?
Aren’t there other worlds to go to?

And yes, what IS the alternative?
Better or worse right now?
Cause right now I’m in a better place.
I don’t know what the alternative is like.
I just lost the ability to be grateful most of the time.
And I’m not comfy.
That is valid even though I also need to know that there are things that are ok.
But that might be what’s keeping me here.
For even longer than I ever thought I would last.
So I’m rebelling.
But it’s not helping.
Not helping me or anybody.

Everything can be nothing.
When it's too much.
Or just a little.
I have no middle or inbetween.
I have nothing but everything.
I've seen everything.
But I can do nothing.
When I saw nothing,
I thought I could do everything.
Turned out it was nothing.

Everything I learned brought me to nothing.
And I feel everything and it takes me to nothing.
Even if I could write down everything.
Nobody would see it actually happening.
But I can't write down nothing or everything.
I can't sing everything and everything is nothing.
So I write and sing just something.
But in that something is everything.

And when I'm singing everything it's too much.
So it's nothing.
So everything is nothing.
Like a little bit of everything.
Is nothing.
Today I wanted everything.
Yesterdag I wanted nothing.
I'm longing for something or someone that feels like everything.
Someone or something that is everything!

Everything I can't be.
Nothing I have ever felt.
Like nothing can make me feel.
Like everything does not matter.
But I can't find nothing or everything.
When I can feel almost everything it turns back into nothing.
So I'm longing for just something.
Or someone that's everything!

Don't be everything.
Be my everything.
My chameleon is so lonely.
Don't you see his sad looking eyes?
Longing for something that can make him feel like he is everything!

Everybody that I see during the day has been through a night.
How light or how dark is your day and how was the night, are you alright?

The sun burns on my face and I keep going.
Up and down, so far up and so very deep deep deep down low.
But both feel equaly wrong!

I can’t give up on giving up.
I can’t give up fully either.
Forcing my body into every different direction to see how it feels.

How it works, how it doesn’t work.
How it never ever works over (here and  over) there.
But hay, I’m still here!

And how’s your day?
How did you go through the night?
Do you quite like it around here?

Or are you sick and tired or literally ill?
And then still trying hard to hang on.
How far are you willing to go, how long?

Another spring is in the air.
It came so unexpected for me.
Don’t know if I’m ready, don’t feel like it.

But it’s coming anyway.
Everybody, it’s coming after the winter.
Like the day after the night.

The people that I see during the day have all been through another night.
Or maybe some are still in it?
The day will come again anyway some day.

It’s Friday night.
You didn’t reply.
I’m on the couch.
Can’t feel the wine.

It never hits, only beer does.
And you’re never here until I reach out.
But then it’s awkward.

I still don’t know what you think of me.
But probably you don’t really want me the same as I want you, dream about you.
You old guy, Gemini.

I opened the door towards your love somewhere in 2015.
I was so lonely, young and crazy.
Always in hell unless you took me into your world or I created a new world.
You were there…

But now it’s 2023, almost 24 and I have survived somehow without you.
I learned not to love you.
Only in my dreams.

I had to.
I had to.
I had to.
I still have to.

Sometimes your own pain stings your eyes too bad to look at other people's struggles.
Sometimes your neck cracks too hard to turn around and give a person one last look.
Sometimes your mind is too heavy to think about how somebody you care about is actually doing.
We are all doing our best.

When nothing feels right, how do you make somebody else feel better?
It's a massive challenge.
Sometimes you just need to walk away.
Guilt is not helping anyone but yet you feel it sometimes.
Just appreciate the others for putting up with the struggle, for holding your hand through the pain.

Rest your heavy heart and mind.
It's not up to you how things turn out.
It's life.
Keep on loving, trying and being the best you can.
Sometimes that means you're lying with your head in somebody's hands.
Somebody that loves you, somebody amazing, somebody that's worth everything.

So are you.
You are not worthy of having this world.
This world is not worthy of having you.
If I knew a better place I'd take you there.
Let's go together.
Sometimes when you have the energy it's possible.
Or we can just dream until it's time to go..... ✨🎇🌙💜💫

Soul covered in darkness.
Face covered in make up.
Sound won't come through.
Hollow demon.

The cry is far away.
Sometimes calling on the Phone it's near.
But there's nothing I can do.
It all went too far.
Still as far as it had to.

Soul covered in a harness.
Face covered up with dirt.
Sound is an awful hellish scream.
Hollow world.

Maybe I don't know what I see.
Maybe.
Maybe I don't know what I see.

I feel something familiar.
Stronger than ever.
When it's really nescessary I don't feel you.

But my soul is covered.
My face is aged.
Not as old as my soul.
Hollow dark spot.

All my life I learned that I learned and that they learned and we learned so much!
Now it's too much!

I feel that it's just unfair.
Stronger than ever.
Maybe it's always gonna be unfair.

You are my only home.
My only comfort.
My closet where I can safely keep my needs.
Where it’s not all lying around.
Like it’s still a chaos inside my head.
Like I still don’t know where to put my things.
Like I still can’t block out all of the sounds that are still blaring.
It’s not there or on the background when you’re around.
And when it hurts still to be here, with you or alone you try to make it better.
You don’t even know the difference you make I guess.
I would have given up already if you weren’t my home at last.

Death is always there.
I love you for it.
Show yourself please
so I can be there too.
Maybe I am you.

But you’re better than the beer.
The music that’ll be everywhere.
With you.
And me.
Within.

I cry cause you’re there but I can’t see.
My tears are so useless and blurry.
Over and over.
I will not be able to live.

I can’t love like you.
Like I really want.
Feel it.
In love.
I’m in love with death since I’m not able to live.

Since I’m not really able to love, be in love.
With anything but music and death.
***** and good friends.
But not life, not alive.
I hate it.

And as much I hate life I love death, more and more.
Close my eyes.
I hate being alive.
Still.
Death is always there.

Alcohol, spicy foods, the right type of love…
Oh what the hell?!

They keep us well and better but life keeps on being a pain in the ***.

We’re trying our best.
What else can we do?

Trying not to be too destructive in all the madness.
Just to be ok for the people we care for, the next day, the pet we feed…

Small soft light pink little flowers,
on a background of black demp stones with sand and water.
I’m aching but still walking.
I do not ever want to lose you.

It is torture, it is pleasure.
This way I can’t live.
With you I’m stuck in the day.
But at night I’m finally free.
Free from this world.

Totally gone.
In a dance, a movement, a moment.
Holding on to that.
When the day is not mine and nothing feels right, stuck in here waiting.
Waiting, biting, burning & bursting in agony.

My hands wrapped around my chest.
Biting on the steel in my mouth.
Why do I continue?
Just for the moments when I can escape.
Into a garden of small soft pink little flowers.
On a background of black demp stones with sand and water.

Water me!
Let me drink purity and let me lie down in the stream of the dark water.
Peacefully.
Water the soft pink flowers, I know they will never die.

The stream is always running.
My screams are always coming from the deep depths of life.
On the inside.
I don’t want to be inside this life, this world.
When I’m not escaping.
When I’m only waiting in a day that’s not mine.

When nothing’s alright.
It’s a torture & it’s a pleasure.
This way I can’t live.
With you I’m stuck in the day.
But at night I’m finally free.

Let me feel free, running down the stream.
Letting it all come.
Lying in here all calm.
Calm, come with me.

And I want to escape in a dance.
In the world that I choose.
That I feel.
That feels me.
I want you here.
I do not ever want to lose you but I need to be in that world that I choose.

As you know, gut feelings don't lie.
My guard was up with you from the start.
Somehow you broke through.

I never told you a lie.
Or anything that wasn't true.
Still you didn't want to listen.
You let me listen to your problems and pain.
You let me help you.

Your best friend even told me: be carefull, he's so sensitive.
Me too, I told him loudly, extremely.
What about me?

But it was never about me it seems.
Your pride, your ego, I had to have respect.
Respect needs to be earned.

Maybe later you think back to this and learn.
I screamed at you: Why can you not be understanding with me as I'm also deeply hurting and suffering?!
It didn't really seem to get through to you at all....
And so I had to cut you off.

So harsh, the ugly truth inside your perpect looking Persian eyes.
This Viking is leaving, never to return.
No regrets but still torn and angry.
I fought for you before you showed me it had all just been in vain.
Now I still have to see you for 5 weeks untill I'm moving.

Moving away from you forever.
Only left with my true friends to visit.
I hope I'll never have to hear another ugly word from you again or see you after that.
Words and looks of empty pride.
While my good friends are still humble and loyal, I gave you my all.
Foolish little fight, way too big fight to handle cause I could never win this one.
So I'm saving myself again for what's left to be done and fight for now.

You chose to look away when I was in battle.
While I was thinking about your fights constantly.
Did you learn that in your culture?
All autistic women are better off dead than to live with people like you.

You told me your stories, you were a beast in your country.
You're not so much of a changed man.
Nobody can save you from your ego but you.
To think you tried to teach me things about sprituality and everything.
Hope I showed you something....

But I'm leaving.

Last night I dreamed I was somebody else.
Me inside another body.
A teen with another kind of life.
And I’m 30 actually.
This girl was still at school.
Had arranged to meet up with a friend that night.
Had a lot of fake black leg tattoos who would come off from a couple of washes.
I’m just curious about this seeming so normal, not remembering my actual life.
Only somewhere hidden in the back.
I knew myself.
But not everything from this life.
My actual one right now.
Is it worth it to go through all of this pain if I don’t remember?
Why am I learning, I know I’m growing but in my dreams I’m back to the base.
The developments are less present.
They do have an influence I suppose but the core is just plain me inside.
Without knowing, remembering everything.
Will I remember what I learned?
I must keep the growth, can I exist with it?
For the the collective.
Still being me.

Too busy outside.
Too busy inside.
It’s not much fun to live in this world.
It used to be at least interesting, every morning something new.
Now I just hope for peace.
Being able to do the things that I had planned. But more things start coming in.
The night was not long enough.

Getting up, trying to manage through the day.
Planning for the end.
Trying to exist.
Nothing matters, I don’t care, just some things matter like the people and stuff I leave behind.
When I’m gone and when I’m ready.
When I love and when I’m free, forever I demand.
This is not my place to be so it’s a prison.

Many lessons.
Developments.
Is it for the collective or just me?
I’m a part of everything so it’s never disconnected, but it’s my journey.
Fitted for me.
And I have to get through it.
Accept it, sometimes not accept it, sometimes love something.
But hating most.

Too busy outside, noise.
Too busy inside, stuff to do.
Places to be or not to be.
They used to be opportunities mostly, what can I do, where can I go?

I still try but my path has become so narrow.
It’s even hard to walk at all, every step takes time and courage.
And I don’t like it.
I’m so over it.
The path is long and narrow, it’s my fate.

Changing clothes 3 times a day before it’s comfy.
Comfy if I’m lucky.
After exercising and stretching for my back and body shape.
And calming down for half an hour.

My routine.
If I don’t cry it went ok.
If I don’t do it I feel sick and stay in my bathrobe.…

I shake, I’m cold and so uncomfortable.
After I’ve gone through this I should feel better.
But if I want to put on makeup and it’s not going well I get too frustrated and tired.
But I pick my skin, I can’t stop it.
Most of the time.

So I want to cover it and look the way I want to.
I know it could be worse, my face.
But I want to express myself with how I look.
It helps a lot to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I leave it when I can because the days are never easy.

OCD, overwhelming, needing things to be in a certain way, anticipation etc.
My life has been so heavy.
I feel old, it’s ok, also a child, it’s ok, it’s all ok.
But I still want to die.
Most of the time.
It’s ok I guess…
I’m trying to be ok, to relax and be accepting of everything.

Even grateful for the things that are going well.
Of course.
And I am grateful but it usually doesn’t really bring me joy, just relief.

Just let me cry now.
I don’t like life, my head, my body, my bad feelings, the noises, the absolute discomfort.
Let me cry, cry, cry.
And then hopefully make it ok.

One more time again.
Again and again.
Before I die.

And then I’ll go and do my own way completely.
I promise.
No compromise, no listening to, not even trusting in anything.

Anything but my intuition, my feeling.
That feeling I am needing.
Needing so so bad.
So bad it makes me want to cry.
And die.

I am Lisbeth Salander when I have to be.
But sometimes I just want to.
Especially with you.

You are much older than me.
It’s what I’m into, I always have been.
It’s who I am.

And sometimes I’m Lisbeth Salander.
Because sometimes I have to.
And sometimes I want to so it’s also who I am.

And it’s not wrong, fighting through life.
Picking the right and slightly bad old men.
Life itself has more pain and danger than the situations I chose to be in.

But some men hurt me because I actually care.
And they act like they do but they drop me, leave me, act like they never knew me.

Probably because I got to know them too well.
In a way they never wanted me to.
A part of them that they couldn’t hide.

And I still loved them but they couldn’t love a person that knows a version of them that they hate.

If you asked me everything on our first date I would never want to answer.
Too much info kills the passion....

But it’s the person you and I show each other that matters.
The person you are to me from the moment we meet till it’s over.
That’s who I got to know.

I don’t want to cry around 6 am because of the pain that I’m in.
Keeping you awake.
Life ******* me up, ******* your life up.

I didn’t get comfy so I try to wake up.
You’re doing everything, losing sleep and try to comfort me.
It’s impossible but it helps.

I’m sorry.
It just hurts.
Life hurts.
Waking up burns, my body aches and my head breaks…
**** that!
**** life ******* up.
We are strong but I’ve been over it.

For too long.
So I don’t feel that strong anymore, I feel so sore.
You almost can fix everything so you took a challenge.

Not that you will ever try to “fix me”, you can fix the wrong things sometimes.
And I try to find a way through life again when it’s ******* me over.
There’s no “;”, it did get better but it won’t be over.

Over and over, overwhelming and hard.
Painful and rough.

You hold me in the mud flood while it’s chocking me.
And so you can’t sleep.
So I’m sorry.
Peace is hard to find and when I do I lose it too easily.

That breaks me but I still want to be here too.
In your arms every night.

You deserve a fighter.
For all that you give.
I know I am one.
You and I, we give what we can.
Some days I’m too weak to do much at all.
Survival is even a task that seems too much to ask.
Other days I got enough strength left to build something new, alone or together.
With you.
But you are the reason I’m still standing.
Or crawling if I have to, bursting from pain.
Pain that never goes away.
It runs through my family and me.
We can all only do our best.
You were made to be a hero.
I was made to fight a never ending war.
It only teaches lessons, makes us understand things.
Makes us see every side.
Every side there is to life and hopefully we’ll use it.
The growth and knowledge.
We know what it is like to fight, you and I.
Now you’re in my war.
A respectable soldier,
a clever brave fighter.
My reason to keep going.
There’s still a mission.
I’m crying cause I can’t escape.
We drag each other through the mud.
Just to come out alive, just to watch the war continue.
With the music playing.

I learned enough in this lifetime.
Yeah, I’m sure, this life that feels like a hundred times its time.
It’s time to fly.
But I’m so numb and sad, nothing left to do or lose.

But really nothing left that works.
And that’s ok, I guess.
Trusting fate because I still believe.
Not in God but in the universe, journeys going the way they’re supposed to.

But don’t you tell me I can’t drink alcohol.
I should’ve been dead if my journey wasn’t so long.
I should’ve been dead but fate…
That f*cking fate.

I don’t understand it but apparently  I still need to be inside this trap, I do feel trapped.
I’m trying my best.
But I’m never really free.
Just a little when the music and the beer will hit me just right.

Oh, fine.
Running with the rules, running through the lines, running on a treadmill.
A hundred times, a hundred lifes long!

It was 05:55 am.
I called my mom.

I didn't know what Sharvi meant.
Until I Googled it.

5 is its lucky number.
And it has something to do with Aquarius, my zodiac.

It's time though I can't.
But I can't go on.

Latest nickname.
Latest poem.

My mom's name is Ingrid.
She's a spirit just like us.

But in her it shows now cause she knows everything there is to know.
About life and death.

Sorry, this is one of my worst poems but I'm not in a good headspace cause I'm going away.
I hope to find a place like my dreams.

My dreams where I could never stay, was always ripped away from.
But my mom was there this time.

Because of her I can do everything.
Because of my sister I could live.

Because of my dad I could do any challenging thing.
Because of my grandma I could get through the failed suicides.

So they are amazing.
Not just for that but for that they are my heroes.

Please never forget them.
Their deeds.

They need to be acknowledged.
For me.

Tomorrow a new part of my life starts.
And I don't know when it will end.
I'm just gonna do what I have to do.
And everything else can *******.

I keep adjusting things.
Some moments I feel like I'm really living.
Improving things and learning also feels necessary.
But it keeps going on and on.

There will never be a moment where everything is finished.
Only one thing is certain, everybody dies.
I keep on finishing things.
As long as I have to live this life.

Only when I'm possitive it's time to leave for real I can let go completely.
Then the music will play and it will take a while but I can get through this state.
A state of letting go and going through the layers.
Above this world, above all different places where one can believe to go or be.

Or the curve of going back to earth.
I'll break that forever for me as well.
Although a friend once told me: everything can be reborn.
I wouldn't want to, not in here.

I will not sign a contract, I will not believe a story if it doesn't feel completely right.
Freedom is the key and so is me, I am the key to my own freedom.
I get to decide.
And the time you and I have spent will never be in vain.

We'll meet again as well.
If we both want to we will.
Like we are together now because we want to.
Like I want to finish things and you want to prove that you can do anything.

But let me tell you a secret: You CAN do anything!
You already have and you will.
Always living in or outside the norm.
Maybe you are too good at living.

I am not good at living but I'm too good at surviving.
Always feeling like hell.
Trying to adjust.
And in the meantime I'm finishing things.

And inbetween all these things there is love between us.
Everlasting like we say.
Because it's true.
We will meet again and again and again...... Always

Things are just a thing sometimes.
Going through phases in this life.
The stars and planets are planners.
They tell you something if you listen carefully.

There have always been things carefully set up to push you in the right direction.
You have to follow, there's no other way.
Your path is so magical or so extremely horrifically hard.
But it's yours and yours only.

Embrace the light you see in front of you.
You can walk to it.
It's alright, it'll lead you home.
Embrace it cause it will happen and you will be save.
But oh what a journey and oh the things you must give, I know!

Things are just a thing sometimes.
Going through phases in this life.
The end phase is the hardest when you have to end it yourself.
You went through a part of the old times before they changed.
They changed for the better.

You helped in the change but you had to go through it.
The pain and the battle.
Embrace it cause it will always happen and you will be save.
But oh what a journey and oh the things you must give, I know!

Looking at your younger self from a viewer’s perspective.
You’re not in the middle of it.
You see everything.
You know everything that was going on.
And it’s good you couldn’t see everything like that back then.
You still couldn’t deal with it but at least you didn’t see everything as the big picture that you see today.

24 hours.
It either feels good or bad.
So you're either running or sleeping.
24 hours to find out where this battle will end.
And if it will begin again soon.....

Allow me to take a very welcome long break.
I need space to be here for me.
And I'm declaring myself to be free from your pulling.
As long as you are unwilling to respect me, my truest feelings, my boundaries.
They run deep inside of me.

But I've found back myself and inner strength.
A save place and space for them where I can walk to.
Walking away.....
After 24 hours.
The battle ended with me taking my own path.
With a waterfall of tears and a free soul coming through.

24 hours and it's been decided.
It doesn't feel very nice to take the road all on my own once more.
But if it's what I need in the moment, I know there's only one way.
To go.

Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

Things are coming together, always.
But you have to have a lot of patience.
In this world nothing happens on its own.
Nothing happens without effort.
Especially when your mind suffers.
Compassion for yourself and others can be a key to reach your true potential.
And your goal.
But it’s hard to know exactly where it all will lead to.
One goal after another.

You put it right in front of me.
So I will always know that it's there.
Maybe some day, some time I'll get to have it so I keep waiting.
Getting prepared for what's never going on.

I thought feeling lonely and sufferig all by myself was hard and unfair enough.
Untill you came along.
Just to always tell me something to hold on to.
To let me know that there's a deep connection.

You tel me at night that you might be coming to see me when you're ready.
But you either don't come at all or you just have a sip from my cup and go.
I know why it can't be different, we can't get caught.

But this is worse than lonelyness.
Getting prepared for nothing after years of feeling alone.
Tension without release.
Not being able to give up again.
Life always plays these tricks on me.

Can I let go of you and let go of this game?
I want to see what will come out of it.
But I can't live here waiting.
Not being ready wouldn't feel right to me either.
Cause I'm a mess that needs some fixing.

But fixing takes times and energy.
Which I'm giving now for nothing.
Let me go then if you can't come.
Or maybe accept the mess that I am.
But I can't always accept it when I want this one moment of freedom, one moment that's right.

I always do anything for these moments.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Is it even worth it anymore?
Hurting myself like that when my body feels exhausted, stiff, tired, out of it, completely lost.
Then just leave me in my space and get out of it!

You just leave me feeling so sad and disappointed.
Unsatisfied as can be.
Worse than lonely.
And you're not even to blame.
No one is to blame, life plays these games on you and me.
I was already falling apart.
Now my heart is too.
Worse than ever.

Put it in front of my face.
Like a spirit world that I can't go to.
Let me go.
Don't hold me prisoner.
All my life.
An unfair game.
A broken toy.
In pieces.

Then don't let me see it.
Let me sleep.
Forever.
Be comfortable and not pressured, prepared.
Let me sleep and let go.
Let me go in peace.