I'm breaking like glass in my eyes.
Red painful barriers and flickering sight.
How much longer till my body will have dry bones?
Zombie walking, alien clown.
I'm still travelling.

I can't push myself through the pressure.
If I do, I will definetely break my eye.
So I stay up staring.
Maybe I will just float away.
I'll pray for it as I push my fist against my chest.
Gently touching the parts that are still intact.
Hoping it will be worth it.
Let's stay in this trance.

Let's walk
Let's float.
I will go on and find you.
And everything else will find me.
Cause it has to push deep inside.
Tear me open.

Ancient robots are cute little dancers.
The moon is a circle in a dream of a fantastic star.
But you are the one with the voice that is clear.
Always when I hear.
I see the world differently when you’re next to me.
I have to give away a piece of me as a piece of energy.

But who answers when nothing matters?
I mean: nothing can be forced so when I’m stuck, who takes me out?
Take me out on an adventure, don’t warn me, you never do anyway.
This time in a good way.
Please, pleading has no use.
Something’s always got to give, some breaking of the mind, some breaking of everything.
Some abuse.

Some rebuilding, reshaping, I got no say in when, how and where, better not care.
Take care.
And please tell me: will we be making sandwiches again?
Again in the world beyond this one?
Another Matrix or the source?
Enjoying the simple things of life on earth, no more, no more, not anymore?

The power of creation.
New things.
New worlds.
Black circles, everything.
It’s coming, always coming in and out, and in and never out, let me in, never out, never in.
Come in.
Come out alive.
We all want to come out alive, right?
I didn’t.
But I did.
I was born but never came out myself, almost died.

I wanted to dance but they put me in a room with no space.
So I gained weight.
And when I wanted to sing all these people in this town started staring.
So I started skating, tying the laces of skates till my fingers started bleeding.
Even with plastic tape around them it’s not always working and my muscles are hurting from bending and tying.
Tying laces for 20 minutes before finally skating freely.

And after years I finally found a good mattress but now it’s laying there in the way of everything.
It doesn’t fit on the bed, in my room, no space for exercising.
A shop at every street, no space for walking.
No space in my head when OCD-ing, trying to find a way through this everyday.

All that most people can see is me complaining.....

You put it right in front of me.
So I will always know that it's there.
Maybe some day, some time I'll get to have it so I keep waiting.
Getting prepared for what's never going on.

I thought feeling lonely and sufferig all by myself was hard and unfair enough.
Untill you came along.
Just to always tell me something to hold on to.
To let me know that there's a deep connection.

You tel me at night that you might be coming to see me when you're ready.
But you either don't come at all or you just have a sip from my cup and go.
I know why it can't be different, we can't get caught.

But this is worse than lonelyness.
Getting prepared for nothing after years of feeling alone.
Tension without release.
Not being able to give up again.
Life always plays these tricks on me.

Can I let go of you and let go of this game?
I want to see what will come out of it.
But I can't live here waiting.
Not being ready wouldn't feel right to me either.
Cause I'm a mess that needs some fixing.

But fixing takes times and energy.
Which I'm giving now for nothing.
Let me go then if you can't come.
Or maybe accept the mess that I am.
But I can't always accept it when I want this one moment of freedom, one moment that's right.

I always do anything for these moments.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Is it even worth it anymore?
Hurting myself like that when my body feels exhausted, stiff, tired, out of it, completely lost.
Then just leave me in my space and get out of it!

You just leave me feeling so sad and disappointed.
Unsatisfied as can be.
Worse than lonely.
And you're not even to blame.
No one is to blame, life plays these games on you and me.
I was already falling apart.
Now my heart is too.
Worse than ever.

Put it in front of my face.
Like a spirit world that I can't go to.
Let me go.
Don't hold me prisoner.
All my life.
An unfair game.
A broken toy.
In pieces.

Then don't let me see it.
Let me sleep.
Forever.
Be comfortable and not pressured, prepared.
Let me sleep and let go.
Let me go in peace.

Why does life always have to feel so freaking uncomfortable?!
I want to overwhelm my life the way it overwhelms me sometimes.
I want to be the magic in the magic too.
Not feeling like sinking to the bottom everytime, everyday and night
The bottom can be beautiful too though but it’s not light.

Endless fields of daisies.
Bare feet and black dress.
It’s still dewy.
I’m still sleepy, tired.
I don’t want to try again to get up and leave.
Be someone else.
I may roll over and dream away if I can.

But there’s a line of laundry.
I’m waiting for the sun to dry it.
So I can shake my clothes.
Before tomorrow I will be done.

The same things now repeatedly daily.
These are the days I didn’t think I’d get to see.
I wanted to die young.
These are the “old daisy days”.
Everything keeps on repeating.

I’m so over trying to get up and leave.
Trying to put on a face.
I can dream in my field feeling so exhausted.
My troubled mind can lay down in daisies.

Waiting for a line of laundry.
Not too long, you don’t want to be having to shake too many eventually.
When the next round hangs to dry.
It wears you down.
Cause it has to be right.
Or it feels too bad.

But now I’m stuck.
And I’m so over everything in here.
I’m so done trying to change or do anything to help myself getting up.
Maybe I should just lift up a foot.
Pick a little daisy.

And take the smallest little steps.
Think in possibilities still.
Nothing to lose.
Lying in a field of old daisies.
With a tired mind.

Waking up but still in a coma.
Stumbling after drinking, still aware but laughing.
The music changes my mood but mostly at night.
I’m toxic inside.
Resentful towards life.

But also just rebelling.
I’m not angry usually, just not comfy.
Just so tired.
Who isn’t?
But I’ve been tired for so long now.
Even before I started waking.
Up from my coma, still in a coma.

Even before the world would notice that everybody’s tired.
And this world is just a mess.

But we are all trying our best but we have been putting all the blame on others.
When it was nobody’s fault.
What a mess.
No one’s to blame cause there’s a reason and a journey and generations and religion.
Different eras that should be outgrown.
Stop the nonsense, be your truth, that’s what I learned.

Only in knowing this is temporary is where can find some peace.
I can’t live here well at all even though you are here with me.
You and I try so hard to make it right.
But it’s not.
And yet we try and sometimes it’s just fine.
Or even better.
But throughout the days and nights it’s battling without comfort.
And you try to share the comfort inside you.
And I see where I can change things.
From when I was born it’s only gotten worse.
And now I’m here.
Where you accept me while I’ve never accepted life.
I didn’t come out, I almost died as an infant.
This life was more than one, more than two in my mind.
It was never right.
And now it somehow should be while I’m still me.
And you know this all so well.
Even better than me.
You understand.
Yet you hold me.
Don’t let go, it’s a miracle.

Letting go is a form of courage.
And so is not giving in when getting tortured.
Iron grinding.
Piercing burning captured body.
Scream!

Maybe I no longer want to fight.
Not looking like I just got out of battle most of the time.
Some days I want to be clean and at peace even when I'm still sad.
I want to be able to walk in a long dress with long dark hair waving around my face.
No tears or blood streaming.
I am a raven but I'm also a woman.
I want to walk with an old lover.
Or a good friend.
Through the field and sing songs even when they're sad.
Not always screaming through the pain.
But walk barefoot on the grass and embrace all the beauty that's surrounding us.
Not be blinded by my tired flooded eyes.
Not lie there exhausted by myself in a half dead place with my shoes full of mud.
My strength always being spent.
My head always swollen, covered in red.
Teeth grinded from the pain.
I want to fly as I walk in peace to the sounds that are meant to be.
Meant to heal.
Meant to nourish the soul.
And I want to share this feeling with the source instead of sharing an explosion of pain.
Every day.

I'm sorry, I didn't know that life was such a game.
A game that you have to play.
I forgot about the unwritten rules to follow and now I lost.
Everything.
No peace at all.
I said too much while I couldn't let you know.
Everything.
Too much for one person to carry.
But you can't share it or you loose.
Everything.
I'm sorry, I got angry while I didn't do what was expected.
The game of life we play.
I had too much to carry so I threw away the final thing that helped me.
The last thing.
Now I got nowhere to go.
I said too much and now there are these rules you must follow.
The last thing.
Too much information to carry.
So you have to share it or you fail and you're gonna be out forever.
The last thing.
I am sorry, I could not see clearly and I had to go back to the beginning.
Of the game of life again and again.
It never felt right and it's too much and now I lost.

My mind is a cracked glass.
Strong with cracks.
Don’t use pressure or it breaks.
There will always be cracks.
And you can’t pour from an empty cup with cracks.

Shattered glass.
I’m a snow globe inside.
I’m trapped in a house that’s dark.
With many rooms and stairs and hiding spots.
I go there often in my dreams.
There are visitors a lot.

Sometimes I walk outside.
I’m on the road leaving the house.
I go to many places.
I meet so many people.
Familiar and new.

My heart is so bold and dark in my dreams.
It can handle any situation.
So many adventures I go through.
Sometimes it’s with the people I know when I’m awake.
Sometimes strangers….

But I can wake up screaming softly because I’m back in my cracked mind.
Cracked world.
In a dark house in a snow globe.
With much less room.
Less room than the one from my dreams.

⭐️🌙💫✨

Maybe the clock will be turned back on when it stops.
So I will crush it this time when it does.

Maybe the heart will live longer than the body.
So I’ll bury it with me forever.

My energy will be free.
It has to.

A life of everything.
Balanced for freedom.
Seen all possibilities, felt all the bad, gone through the motions.
I’m no longer bound.

So this time the clock will be crushed.
When it stops.

Nobody will be rushed back into a life on earth.
See what you will find this time.

A heart full of freedom and a garden of fruit.
Flowers and water, colors and moons.

Forever.
Like love in a dream with an Easter egg.
Filled with cream.
So tasty and you can eat all you want and smile.

Smile to the love of your life after life.

The source is inside of us.
All.
Who says this is the one and only Matrix?
Who wants to go back to the source?

With your heart.
With your love.
Your energy.
It’s all inside.

Go outside.
Of this Matrix or another.
Who wants to be there?
Be inside.
It’s all inside us.
Where is the dark hole full of comfort?

I’ve seen it in my dreams, felt it in my core.
Twin flames and all the special ones that came.
In my dream I can feel you, the energy is one that is only coming through with you.

Let me go to my dream, find you again.
Your amazing authentic energy that only comes with you.
From you.
When I see you.

I’m a sea in the wind and you are my ray of sunlight.
I can be on my own.
Free and wild.
But I don’t feel the warmth of a loving light that I can reflect.

I choose to feel you when I can.
Even when it’s causing lightning.
Or when your rays are painfully sharp to my eyes.
Then I’ll still keep on trying to find a way to let my waves run wild with your light shining through.

Just like you always seem to find me through the clouds.
You wait for me and then come out again. Without you I am a cold wild sea.
With you I’m reflecting sunrays.

And the colours are sparkling in the wind. Sometimes painfully blinding.
But always warm and always more interesting, more beautiful, more meaningful, intensely shining.
Like it’s not when you’re not around.
So let me reflect your light even though I’m salty, wild and heavy.
I let you be in your full glory still.

We will find a way to make it happen.
Even though it stings, it hits so hard, it hurts like waves of despair.
I want your light in my water, through my dark blue waves.

From the white foam with its colours all the way down to the sand.
There will be beauty and nasty monsters in the  deepest parts of my ocean.
You won’t always be able to fully see them and they can’t catch you too well.

They will be there still but that doesn’t keep me from reaching out to you there in the sky. Cause the feeling that you give me makes me come to life sometimes.
Be my shining light.
Even when there’s only rainstorms and we are far apart.
Even when I’m so wild for a while, I’ll still try to be there with you. To reflect your loving light and let the colours sparkle.

The foamy colours come through and it’s all because of the beauty of your light and my wild reflecting waves that go so deep.
Deeper than anybody could ever see.
And you are so high, so warm and bright, not everybody can reach you.
You are a ray of light above the sea.

Not everybody can reach you but your beauty is clear to see by many.
So keep shining even when I’m dying and the sand is drying.
Nothing stays the same forever.
Like the waves of a wild sea like me and the colours of your light.

The idea of suicide…..almost like a drug.
Not quite.
It changes the sky.
For the better or worse.
When it becomes a plan then it’s all too much.

But when it’s just a dream, a perfect one.
And one day it may come true.
Like a drug it brings liberty, peace and perspective, it shows the world in a different light.

When you try it and you come out you’re alright sometimes.
A little sick but fine.
Sometimes you can’t focus on anything, just for a while.
But if you stay in that trip or in those dark plans you can’t live…

It’s there any time.
Like a strong beer, whiskey, cocktail, wine because life is not right.
A dream, an option, an escape.
It’s a part of life even, all there to use.

An escape for a while.
But it can’t become all consuming.
Then it’s no longer a dream.
It’s a horrible reality that just kills.
In the worst way.

So I let it be an escape for a moment and not a recipe for disaster.
I have made that mistake.
It was only my luck that I came out right.
But being in a nightmare like that is an inescapable horror.

That kinda hurt.
That OCD on my head.
All the guys are standing around there.
Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.

I lie my body with a quilted coat before the fountain.
Underneath the trees that keep dropping things and the birds are in them.
The guys are watching from the pavement.
They are watching a lady covered in plastic playing the paino with her cat.

Nobody sees me lying down near the fountain.
Listening to dust to dust to dust.....
I need to trust, or should I always?
It will always turn out how you feel it should in the end.

You have to go through it, you're allowed to be sad.
But you can be happy in the moment.
I sing so loud, basically crying on the street ignoring everybody.
The wind is so fresh on my buzzed cut, yeah!

Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.
This will take a little while more.
This will hurt a little longer.
Cause you weren't able to disappear into the air.

And leave to go anywhere cause this guy called you back again.
That didn't hurt at all.
It made me feel so much more alive than the days before.
But I was still feeling, I was actually bursting all the time before he pulled me back.

I want to break out of this.
I want to lie on his bed.
I want to stare back at these guys watching a lady in plastic playing.
I want to be playing the games that I choose.

Not the ones that are happening because I am stuck in this game.
But I want to feel my own feelings, even in here.
Let me experience it all.
Let me tease you into staring at me like the world is disappearing.
And we are not!

When life is overwhelming and you don't know where anything and anyone is going to.....
The people that have your back are everything.
The places that calm you down are calling your name.
Everything else will happen as it will.
Keep loving, just do what you need to do.
And be you, completely you.
Walk your own way.

I’m melting in the wild fire.
Coming out as the rain.
As a flood I take you in my arms.
In the sky I’ll change from a strong wind into warm rays of sun coming through like a phoenix.

Like a raven in a bath of blood.
In your car when the sun goes down.
My eyes tired from the constant adrenaline and listening to all the noises.

Feeling everything and then being left all alone.
In a half dead place,
with a half dead face.
And a body that’s spreading itself out on the demp sand and grass.

I knew the way to Walhalla.
I fought and came out.
Still here in this world for now.
The fountain is where I walk to during the day.

The half dead place is where I enter the gate when it’s late.
And dark outside.
And lonely.
And bad.

So useless just wondering.
After a long fight, just escaping.
I know I have to be there now alone.
Odin told me to go.
So I listened.

Because I can never stay too long anywhere with anyone.
He knows, I know.
I’m melting in the wild fire that I caused.
That others cause before me.
They pulled me in.
Like a black raven in a blood bath.
And the sky will change.

I take you in my arms like a flood.
Into the warm rays of sun.
Coming through like a phoenix.

I want to forget myself.
Live not for me.
Devote my life to something that actually still is working.
Or sacrifice it to become my truest form.
I don't want to be covered by so much choas that there's no space to exist.
And if I have to I make the choas worth it.

Nothing left to lose again.
No tomorrow.
Only moments.
Only love but no freedom.
Maybe if we can escape.
Yes, when we escape we can still have freedom.

So much choas to run through.
So I tried to find skates.
I will find them soon and use a working code to get through all of these closed gates.
Speeding through.

Like I've done in dreams before, riding through tunnels.
Not walking around in nightmares.
Dark industrial bare spaces, lost without a bus stop in sight or map to guide me right.
Only my own intuition a destination I'm trying to find.

All you can do is try with what you’ve got.
Sorrow can be all you know.
A part of you, a part of your life, a life that has exhausted your all.
Freedom can still happen.
But not real happiness generally.
Just a moment where you feel good in a song or with someone.

Confusing cause: “hay, everything is supposed to **** in here”!
But darkness has beauty and light is too bright.
You found a way towards “good darkness”.
And now that you’ve actually found a good person without just darkness…
Can you handle it?
It doesn’t really fit with anything of your being.
Yet it’s so comfortable, yet it’s so real.

And you are allowed to be your own darkness and they will be them in their warmth and their flames that don’t burn.
Just warm and just peaceful.

But the darkness is there to stay there till the end.
So…how many moments of feeling good till it’s  done, till the lights go out and the flames burn up?
Till you’re able to end an everlasting night of misery, missing something, missing comfort.
In yourself cause you haven’t found it anywhere.
Until now.

Don’t call me ever.
Don’t leave me alone.
Don’t ever expect me to show up.
Don’t expect me to not show up.
Pick me up from the floor if you want me to be there.
That’s where you’ll find me these days.
I won’t pick up.
Won’t pick myself up.
I just survive unless you really want you and me to try.
Try to be together for some time.
I close my eyes till we arrive and the place you want to take me.
That’s where you’ll have me fully.
If you and I try.
I close my eyes and drift off sometimes, when you talk I don’t reply.
I hear every word.
I probably love to hear it and think about it.
But I don’t answer right away.
I lie there as your twin baby.
Slowly and slightly reaching for you and pulling away again.
Maybe even do a little dance.
And then start to tell a story that has no end.....

I hope to create a dreamworld today.
Cause I wasn’t allowed to dream last night/morning.
A new year is coming.....

The December month is over.
We all made it through a year of torture, sadness and love.
Bless you all from the universe.
The mothers that hold you in the silence.
Their energy is divine like yours in your pain!

I wish for dreamworlds for us all:
Better places with people that can feel like we do.
Instead of disappointments, torturing agony/exhaustion/ fighting and needing too many sleep meds....

I wish for love to be spreading and to feel like we want to.
To be free from rules and aggression.
Have something to fight for.
Fight with passion, great energy and love for everybody!

Blurry browny.
A deep tone.
Trying to die.
Not thinking about death.
A deep brown tone.
Creamy filling.
Very heavy.
Not thinking about eating.
A thick brown tasty coffee flavoured filling.
Brown layering.
Chocolate kiss.
Not listening to the deep tone.
Very smudgy.
Licking thick cream.
Blurry browny.
Not seeing everything but only feeling.
Nice tasty intense.
Deep brown.
Chocolate filling.

Such darkness, so little of what you deserve. The pain keeps on running like cold waterfalls of mud. There’s no comfort. I don’t give you the love that you should be given. I am a dark stream. And you try to swim but we’re going down under over and over. And I can’t breathe. But I love being under if the water’s not so cold. And you make it warmer. But I can’t make the waterfalls calm down at all. I try every day and night. The ******* fish are swimming and so are the gold fish that we’re both killing. Every night I see them coming. And dying. I see their bones lying in the field. In the dark. I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know why we’re doing this. There’s no end to this fight until I’m burned up and dry. Like a red rose in the night sky forever. Your lady of the waters, the dark waters and the blue dress floating. I’m forever a red rose bending if I’m not like a lady of the dark waters in a blue dress. And a red rose in the night.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.
Look it in the eye.
You are the shining light and colours that are blowing.

Your movements are the feeling and the feelings are the movents.
It's you embracing you.
And the universe is everywhere.
Even in this place of terror.
So are your soul sisters and brothers.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

You are medicating yourself with toxicity.
Because there's no place for you to live around here.
So you have to be a portal, let the truth come through.
That's how the trash gets out.
Or at least is not around for a while.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

What used to make you happy?
Dancing to that song, feeling like it was still possible to have the energy.
To enjoy being alive.
Inspired by a person or a movie.

Now there are soothing voices of good artists that have passed away.
They made their final albums even after they had died.
But most of them embraced life enough to want to delay that day.

And you are trapped in a loop listening to all they had to share.
And you are still growing untill you join the team of people that feel close to you already.
Some won't dance with you.

Some just speak through the sounds they used to make.
The energy still runs deep.
So deep that when you inhale it, you get shiffers all over.
Sometimes you beg them to make it stop.

But it's a loop.
Turn around and see how much you've grown.
Last year you were young, even in your face and movements.
You danced and sang two whole perfect days after a week in hospital.

Some family and friends watching.
Some watched you dance and sing.
Some only got to watch you in that uncomfortable hospital bed.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
The noise will not stop by itself because you give everything.
Things will change and turn and twist you.
Listen inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

And love.
Love you, love them, feel them as they love you.
Or don't love you, used to love you, still remember, good or bad.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

I keep waiting.
I'm an idiot.
I run to you in agonizing pain.
The pain you caused me.

I'm just stupid.
I'm addicted.
I need to withdrawal from you.
But I don't want to.

Cause I hate life without you.
And I do love you.
But I keep on waiting.
For you to open up.
I know you can't take away my pain.
Like I can't take aways yours.

Although I'd really hold your naked body tight.
And maybe we'd even have a meaningful conversation.
About how to move forward.
Is there a way, can we at least try?
Or are we going to run around in circles.
And am I just gonna keep waiting.

There was an issue but no reason for blocking me.
Are you hiding something?
I'm an idiot.
I ran to you.
I couldn't bare the pain, the information you were sending.
I need to withdrawal from you.

But I love you.
What am I to you?
An idiot?
The waiting idiot.

You said you'd be my Godfather.
But I'll be your personal little guiding mother.
I know you've never met somebody like me before ever.
And I'm only here to love you, open you up and get you ready.
Meanwhile I'd love the process, the moments.
And I'm free.
Tortured but free.
Loving harder than the pain.
Taking your pain away through touching you.
Showing you a different way through guiding you.

Having an impact on that part of the universe.
Just like you touch and impact my spirit so much around here and beyond.
It goes deeper than this place.
So don't just reach for the old teaching and the rules inside here.
Let me show you the way beyond Jesus and all these great preachers and teachers.
They're alright but it's all still within the rules of this place.
So let me show you these different places now, it'll get crazy but you won't because you're ready.
I'll show you where we both can go to, let go.
Be wild, crazy and free, ancient pagan natural.
Spiritual, divine, part of everything, inside our own world and creations.

All these different options I see.
They are just there everywhere all the time.
Time is relative.
Be creative with it.
Intensely loving the moment.
Intensely loving inside it.
Inside you, I'll guide you.
Just watch me.
You can do it too, do it with me.
Do it with me.

Always doing that job that I want to do even more after my work around here is done.
Let me, I'll trust the process.
But I'll still be rebellious me, always.
Meanwhile I love you, so special what you do to me.
But my brother doesn't like it.
My spirit brother's disappointed.
It hurts a lot to see that I have to let him down sometimes, not go with him everytime.
But I can only live from moment to moment.
I love him but it's been in me all the time to fight hard for these greater outcomes.

Intense missions.
Intense intensions.
Great moments.
Great gates opened wide perspectives.
Intense kisses.
Opening up spirit.
Toughing, feeling it.
Finally pushing through because I need to.
Because I can, it's my job, my mission.
Be the show that shows you everything I got to show.
Different directions.
Different dimensions.
Intense moments....

Godfather, let me entertain you.
Like money will never do.
Let me kiss you and push through all of your boundaries, your build up worries
You told me stories of the beast inside you.
Hold me like you'd hold these women that still see you as a beast.
Heal me, heal you, heal them hopefully too eventually.
Through my pain, I'll heal your pain, through your pain I'll open you, I'll love you.
I'll have a new mission to enjoy the outcome of.
As long as I'm still around.
Unable to really live, love, be alive.
Let me guide.

The differences only hurt when you can’t read me.
So you keep asking me to read you pages...
It takes forever this way.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And it feels like I did read your book somewhere...
But not completely.
I think I missed a lot of details.
Maybe I shall go back and read some more.
Although it gets so hard to focus.
I’m so extremely tired.
I think I see those lines in your eyes and I hear them in your voice.
Hopefully your eyes won’t turn into mine.

Life is a constant flood of change.
And I'm going down so deep.
I have never been afraid to get lost.
Cause I've been lost  ever since I got thrown out into this black sea.
There is no comfort and no warmth in the depths of my being.
I'm not at ease ever, just surviving, sometimes even diving into the sand of the bottom.
Just to try not to feel that I'm inside this deep dark mess full of distress with no way out.
No end in sight, just waiting for when the time is right.
But as long as there is time, time is never on my side cause I can't manage any of it.
And it will always be nighttime and never be the right time when I'm trying to escape the water.
Leaving everyone down under when I'm trying to cross over letting my body drift away.

Life is a constant flood of change.
All of our homes will be destroyed and our skin, flesh and bones broken and rotten.
Things can be forgotten eventually but also torture for a while or for a lifetime.
A lifetime that is long when it's not changing in the right ways but the dark ways.
Where the nights are never save and the days will not behave when you have to do something and always fight alone.
It's so dark and I just have to give in to that it's happening.
Trying to sing but actually it's scary even though I'm not really afraid.

Life is a constant flood of change.
It's just all scary when you're alone walking.
Who cares, not me but I'd just really like to see the end somewhere in all of this.
And that I can get my friends to safety when it's their time to move on with me.
Let's take a long awaited journey across the layers that are covering our true identity.
Our spiritual potential and let's claim it again for once and for all.
Let's get out of this place where we have no power over.
Shoot up high and aim for the stars beyond the layers of this prison that we shouldn't have to stay in.
I believe in me and us and so now we only need to trust it will be done.
I want to make this final change for me to get out of this flood of change.
Will you come with me?

Flurazepam sleep.
One at the start of the night, the next one at half past 3. Macrogool digestion, one glass before bedtime. Thyroid meds before breakfast. A blue pill for the overwhelming, the pain, the OCD stress. Anticonception, never having a kid in my life. And vitamins, and one allergies. But Flurazepam sleep or no sleep. Macrogool or no ****.  Thyroid meds or slow death. Blue pill or fast suicide hopefully. And no kid should have to live through this. A mom who can’t take care. And allergies are f*cking annoying! 😁

Dear daughter,

Don’t you feel right now how every little thing is just enough or a little too much?
Wishing for something better, wanting something nice...  

Melancholic from the past.
You and him on the beach.
It’s in your system.  
But now you’re just walking away.
Back to where it all started but you haven’t just started.

You’ve seen and felt it all.
It’s time to finish the circle and be grateful for the past.
And the pain can still be there.
You are ready to face it.
It’s ok.
It’s just sliding off your tired body that feels heavy on your soul.

It’s ok cause you’re going back to where you belong.
Finally you’re ready.
Back where you belong.
It’s ok.
The journey’s over.

I just want a save place to cry and recover.
You can come by.
But I need space and escaping.
Too much is happening.
You and I are doing everything we can.
But it feels like not living most of the time for me.
Surviving torture, just having to still deal with everything.
Life, sensitivity, overwhelming, ocd...
Trying to make things ok, tired and broken.
I want to not feel trapped in life keeping me down.
I want to cycle under bridges screaming, I want to sing and create something.
How can I somehow feel this through all of this happening?
Moving again, changes, draining things, waiting.
You are the reason I’m still willing to give in.
Give in to life because of giving in to love.

While I’m with you I suddenly remember
there was a time where I didn’t want to die.
Now I can’t even remember why.
Tonight an old clock suddenly chimes.
After having been switched off long ago.
It chimes for a while, later just 3 times.
The other clock in front of it starts waking up also.

12 times, 12 chimes.
Then silence without any answers.
About why they did that like non of it matters.
And I’m holding you in my arms as we are dancing.
To the chiming.
In your house with your clocks that should’ve been switched off.
You and I dancing through the pain, the agony of life and the serenity of love.

Some of your special people moved on, some still hang around.
As we dance they can all come join us when they hear their perfect sound.
The flames burn high, move from left to right.
You play Leonard Cohen, his voice is soothing in the night.

I go to bed at 12:03 AM
It’s all just silent like I am.
Finally I’m not waking and you are also slowly heading off to dreamland.
In the morning I still watch you sleep with your bald head on your strong hand.
I love you so.
I silently go.

We’ll meet later for our next mission.
And we do it without tension.
Because we can and we understand.
Everything that happens here and what happens in a far away land.
So far from the layers around this world there is a place for you and me.
I figured that out eventually.
Together with you I remembered why.
Most people never want to die.

There was a time where non of us understood how anybody would.
Just move on, move up, high and far.
To find out who we really are.
I’d love to go and I’d love to know.
Why an old clock suddenly chimes after been switched off long ago.

Call me and say you're sorry, please.
But this can never happen again.
So I should not wish for that.
Cause it's not something that will change immediately.
Something in me wishes: maybe.
But that must be an illusion.
I can't just fix your issues like that.
Even if I kept a close eye.

It's your way of living, your way of dealing with the pain.
The pain you don't deserve.
Causing me pain when you deal with it in a toxic way.
Pain I don't deserve.
I already needed a warrior for my horrible fights but you are wounded too.

Sometimes it works, when the music fills me and I can give you all the love I feel.
Or you give your love to me cause for you it comes so easily.
You really are so loving and giving.
Although admitting defeat is not at all an easy thing for you to do.
Even though you're already perfect in every way and in this world you make mistakes.
It's all part of this Matrix, you see?

But you don't want to see, especially when you bring yourself into a toxic form of serenity.
Listen to that music and feel the loving touch, you may want to try it instead.
Maybe I am just too much with everything else going on.
That is where it hurts the most, that you don't dare to give yourself completely.
Because I can't give myself to life.

I always go so deep or high, never just on the ground, the ground can't hold my heaviness inside.
That heavy feeling or a bursting, never leaving, always exploding.
It's hard when it keeps pushing, when you keep pushing.
I should be running.

But there's no direction in the end as long as I'm here in this world.
I want to fly, dive into the ground, take you with me and turn everything around.
Upside down and rolling over, maybe visit and old place again.
See how everything has changed now so we have something to smile about.

Some things don't change or don't change for the better.
I am more tired than ever now.
But still a warrior although very much in pain all the time.
Just trying to make it to see what's coming.

But what if there's no reason to be a warrior anymore?
You just start wandering without any purpose.
You've done the travelling, you've seen and heard all about most things in life.
You're just walking around the finish line hoping for a way to cross or to fall into a rabbit hole.

Anything that takes you out that's quick and fast.
Oh please let me see a way like that some day soon.
I'll be going gladly and not with so much misery.
Cause some things don't change and leaving this world voluntarily without help is the worst.
To me.
But I either need to live a life or not.
Cause it's no way of being or to be loved when you're wandering and waiting to leave everything.
And be free of this world forever so all of these horrible things will be over.

I want to live in the past.
The present and the future.
Change my hair, shed my skin.
Be all alone in the forest able to see anyone.
Any time, any place, any movement I make is chosen, actually chosen.
Not with the illusion of choice.
When your path is set out fitting.
I want to be creating new things everyday.
And live anywhere with you and alone.
Do what I want when I want to.
Be anything I want to be.
All alone in the forest or at the big lake with the waterfalls.
And see you whenever I choose to.
Sleep comfortably in a large bed in the sky, sing every lullaby.
Or a different song all the time.
Embraces always there.
To find.
I want to live.

Going home because it hurts.
It hurts to be going home.
Like the end of a holiday.
You don’t want to leave.
You want to keep on dreaming that life can be that nice.

I wish to be that special one that always brings you joy.
Like a summer at the beach.
Like a sparkling eye contact in the morning lying next to each other.

Instead we sparkle after an Irish coffee and I leave after a brief vacation.
Packing up my stuff.
It wasn’t always easy without any stress or pain.

It was magical nonetheless and so I can only kiss you and say: I love you, see you, I will miss you.
I’ll try to get through the days and nights just to see you again.
For a nice little short summer trip of love, headaches and wild sparkles. With my dark make up rubbing on your face.

A messy funny night, a messy heavy day, a messy painful morning and a night of pressure, some sleeping and some sun and rain.

I want to close my eyes black and white.
Shiny drops and blurry.
Beer at night, white lace on my dress.

Outside on the grass.
Looking down.
Where are you, where’s the music?

My hair is down and so am I.
My eyes are a mess and so am I.

I close my eyes and run.
I close my eyes and dance.
I close my eyes and dream.

Wish I could sleep.
With you next to me.
For the rest of my life.

My mind wondering off far.
My body at ease.
Carried by love.

All of what I am here buried in this world still now.
I want my body buried…
I’ll be running towards foggy fields.

This energy.
Created by this world.
And me, my life, my body, my mind.

It’s going to stay and it’s going.
Like shiny drops and blurry sight, beer at night.
And lace.

Lying outside on the grass.
With you.
And the music.

I've stopped trying to stop the bleeding.
But I can't ignore the stretching.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
When I think about death I never know what to expect.

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I've seen my best friend block me because of secret activities he did with somebody.
Now the friend request still pending for me after he quit because she didn't want to leave her husband.
You're ashamed of me, right?

Can't sleep, got to eat, I'm tired, so tired, so drained, so heavy.
Always swear to myself I'll never beg for somebody's love anymore.
Still catch myself doing it.
Can't help but feeling sometimes that the love on this earth is just another lie to keep you in line.
I know love is real but it can be so much more real when it's free.
Think about it: when you're not either exhausted or sad, could you love better?

Or do you use love as another drug, like food, like smoke, like drinks, like meds...
Meds either numb you or maybe when you're depressed they can make you believe you're not sad.
If they help at all and not become another way to have you be the guinea pig to experiment on.

Give me money and I will put these meds in your system, treat you, feed you, feed you more (bull)****!
I'm over this nonsense, be real please.
I can cry everyday but I have no tears left but I constantly feel like I can't breathe.
Hold me, it's the only non-toxic way for me to not feel sick!

I've stopped trying to stop the longing.
I will always be longing as long as I'm living.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
But when I think about death I never know what to expect...

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I'm just really looking forward to it.
But I'm still so young.
And the gravity is pulling so ******* my body.
I could almost dive into the tiles I'm running on.
Running through the heavy feeling, running towards the place where I belong.
I'm looking forward to it so much!
Running towards it like running home after having been in labour.
Feeling sick and tired, doing one hard task after another.
Running towards my family.
But my family is still down here too.
One day I'll be there to pick you up when you're running up to this place.
If you fall along the way I'll lift you to embrace you.
Forever cause we made it.
We've already fought these battles down here.
So many from left to right.
But together we'll be home one day.
I'm just really looking forward to it!

Falling asleep finally.
After 3.
Dreaming about a woman with dark brown wavy hair.
A heavy stare.
And colours of fiery orange, red and yellow.
My name appears in white with a bow and arrow.
My first name and middle and they're a being split and seperated.
Looks like they're written like a word in a dictionary, a new word being created.
Sharon Yvon- Syon.
Does it mean anything, are things coming together again with a name?
With a bow and an arrow in a flame.

I wish the days were like the mornings where I see you waking smiling.
When I come lying beside you.
After enough sleeping.
To be cuddling. A little longer..... Never long enough.
I miss the nights when we prepare dinner, play music, drinking Irish coffee.
A little dancing.
Clothes come off and on again.
My dark eye make up.
Smudged.
Love, always feeling loved.

Just enough energy to be happy.
But most days I wake up too early, sleep too late.
There’s no way of resting.
Noises and stress, an uncomfy mess.
Stiff and tired.
Cramped and trying.
Nothing’s working.

I want to be dreaming even though life’s but a dream.
More like a nightmare, a night terror.
Voilent, never silent, never peaceful, full of conflict.
But I can’t leave you there lying alone.
I cannot leave this dream now that you know what if feels like when I don’t let go.
I didn’t want to let you go.
And I couldn’t.

But I’m broken now.
Completely broken.
And I think the terrors are old news but they keep happening here still.
So I’m waiting and walking in a dream for you to come in and say: let’s make a morning today.
Let’s make a day like the morning of cuddling.      
The day should be a little dreamy and still we’re fighting through each battle that comes our way.

I ask you how you feel, you mention the weather, always the weather.
My body feels so heavy, I feel exhausted and everything gets too much.
But people talk about the weather, it's either the cause or the solution.
I go for a long walk every day.
I don't care about the weather at all.
I don't want to hear about the weather when I ask you how you feel anymore.
Tell me something real.
Is it really just the weather?

Purple lights through the heavy curtains being shut.
I'll go with the same intense energy.
As the purity of my rage, my love.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.

I drop my body backwards into this deep dark river.
It's cold but I only feel it for a moment.
I land at a place where the idea of you is true.
And you're not just digging your nails into my hands but holding them forever.

Now I'm hanging by your hands above the deep river that scares you.
Apparently I scare you, offend you, I offended you so bad that you'll never forget.
Good, I hope you'll never forget.
Now drop me, I'm not scared, I've been there, you're always near.

Maybe you should jump in with me some day.
Swim with me and hold my hand.
It will only hurt for a moment.
And your life will hurt a lifetime.
With or without me.

My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
Just to show you how the truth's been covered up for you ever since you opened your eyes.

Purple lights, you call them fake.
They are the truth coming through like the purity of your rage and my love for you.
I'll come to you with the same energy that offended you.
Just because I love you and want to show you every side of the story.

Before the veils fall down again and the heavy curtains are being shut forever.
Grab my hand and dig your nails into the inside of my fingers before letting go again.
I'm not a sucker of your energy like you feared I would be.
Not a sucker, just a feeler.

And a teller of stories.
Just like you but in a different language.
With different endings.
Different characters.
Stranger places.
With purple lights and endless views.
With background music that you never heard.

Your first time.
First concert.
Greatest offense.
First time in the dark deep river.
I'll hold your hand.
Even though you fear me.
You can trust me.

We'll go with the same intense energy.
And we're connected.
You'll hear/see/feel from me!
As the purity of our rage and love drops over this world as we run all over it together.
Your eyes can tell me that they know of the purple light, but you've been told it wasn't real.

It's more real than this world, don't you know by now?
Grab my hand when you seek for anything different.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
But I keep my eyes open just to let you spot the purple light.
And I let you decide for yourself how fake it looks this time.
What do you feel/see/hear?

Just energy, where would you be?
Moving through the universe being able to feel/hear/see through the dark blue river.
It wasn't everything but it changed everything, this life, meeting each other.
It wasn't the ending when I closed my eyes.
When the heavy curtains shut.
You've seen the light, now go outside.

Sometimes you want it to be over,
sometimes you can hold on a little longer.
Sometimes the peace comes from within.
Sometimes somebody else let’s you in.
Holding you, you holding them.
You holding on to whatever keeps you fighting.
And you hold a peaceful body of a person that you love who’s still sleeping.

A peaceful night behind you.
That’s how life rewards a warrior for the courageous fight, continue.
You’re doing well.
You have something special.
You have something special coming.

Trust in it, trust it all.
Ancient warrior, holding your loved one.
Ancient warrior, the fight will never be done.
Not in this world and this life.
So maybe go outside one time and see what you like.....
Something special is coming.

I’m late but I need to take my time.
Nothing goes smoothly.
Because I’m late and because of needing time.
Time to take it easy today.
Not pressuring myself even though I’m not getting where I want to be.
Trying to accept that…

I want much more.
I want to be at a messy party.
Small black dress, dark smudgy eyelids, stones on my neck, wild hair and face.
I’m not that “it-girl” that everybody follows because of her artsy aesthetic.
Perfectly captured, dusky old scene, old looking places.
Young, skinny, bold, dreamy eyes, stained lips smile.

Playing the right music.
Playing in some apartments with silly unmatched objects inside.
Always “out of it”.
Always seeming unbothered.
Or passionately craving, emotionally unstable.

Am I too late?
Am I too bothered, captured by the grasps of this world?
Too much to untangle…
I can have my moments of freedom.
But to get there I’m too late a lot.
I need time.
But I’m late already, always.

***** dark tears ran inside my speakers.
The sound still cracks now when I play my favorite songs.
It will not sound as clear as it used to ever again.
And I crack up when I hear it every day.
Everything breaks.

All good things get destroyed.
I tried to make some stuff right again like all of us do.
But it usually never becomes the same again.
People get ruined and die over and over, break, crack and grow.

It will change.
And it should never be as it was before cause that’s not what life’s about.
Yet the grief is heavy and sometimes too hard to take.

Salty ***** tears destroyed my speakers.
I don’t think I can ever tell my story but I left a lot of poetry.
The ***** ink will last forever and I left it at many places.

Somehow it brought me peace.
Along the way things changed and it will never be the same.
But it has never been ok anyway.
I just used to think it was when I was very young.
But it was all wrong from the start.
It was cracked from the beginning but it sounded somewhat clear.

Now I hope that I can hear a clear sound after I finally escape through the cracks.
I will try to let some of this clear sound escape through the cracks for you to hear as well.
And swim in clear water, make sounds like water creatures.
And hear and see it all so clearly even in the water with the energy that sets me free!
No more ***** tears and cracked up sounds.

All the dark water is still clear and sparkling.
All the dark eyes are deep and clear.
So is the love, so is the freedom, so it the power, so is this place.
Nothing cracks or hurts.

It’s clear forever and it feels right and true.
The deeper I dive in, the more I recognize and realise where I belong.
And my ***** tears stream and my cracked up speakers scream.
I cry for mercy, to be let out.
Like the clear sound that can’t pass through.
Let me escape through the cracks and be where the sound is clear to me.

Where it’s no longer broken.
Where it’s no longer *****.
Where it’s no longer hurting.
And when it will not break.
Where it stays alright and clear forever.

I used to lie down in the fields with the hills late at night.
I know here on earth you have to work for what you need, you have to fight....

Looking up to the sky I asked for knowledge about life.
Let me please find out the reason why I have to be here being tortured, why I have to be alive!

I spread my arms and felt the raindrops on my face and my whole body.
Then I went to the tree in the centre, curled up around it asking for a friend to understand me.

Later I did receive the answers from the years and beautiful people that came by.
So now I should be thankful to receive everything I asked for but I still feel I like I could die.

I also learned to claim my power, everybody is allowed to.
It's a power to get what we wish for, we have a right to, me and you.

Let's claim our power!
It's always been our power.
Our!

When I open my eyes I see a world I don’t like.        
I want red eyes.
And purple short hair.
Swirls on my cheeks and round glasses.
Too many options.
Always keeping me alive.
But the world inside is the world where I hide.    
The world where the music is creating a whole new space.
And I can be the creature that I want to be.

I don’t want to go on.
I’m broken.
There’s nothing left to suffer for.
I used to suffer through saying: I don’t want to go (on).
I hear the voices from the other side of the finish line.
Singing about how the goal is almost reached.                                                         ­       
Why staying in disappointments?
You can get closer to the voices and leave the brokeness behind.
Leave the broken mind.
Leave the mind that can’t give you what your heart deserves.
Leave it all behind, nobody’ll ever save you or they only make it worse.
I want to cry all day, I’m stuck.
Only lying like a vegetable.
Cause now I’m really stuck after trying to be able for too long.
Too many forces working against it so I’m lying here waiting.
Maybe at some point I’ll find a way towards a moment in the day where I can be.
And get it together even though I’m breaking and aching feeling heavy.
Heavy.
Pain.
Bursting.
Brain.
And body.
Nobody can save me.
They make it worse sometimes when I try to make it work.
Because I wanted to make it work, so nice to be together playing and listening.
Nothing ever works though and I’m broken.
I don’t want to go on, no reason left for suffering.
Burning.
Pain.
Heavy.
I hear the voices at the goal singing.
But please be there when I’ll be running cause I’ll have to run to it alone.

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.